Guys, guys, why do I have too use a revolver with a goddamn scope?

And other awful G.I. Joe weapons (Yet again, I'm jacking images from the website yojoe, fuck you I ain't scanning a gun I don't own)

1984 Baroness gun:


This gun is really bad, it doesn't fit in a single figure's hands, and of the 6 Baroness' that I've owned over the years, every 2nd one came with the accesory pack version. I don't want this fucking gun in red.

1985 Buzzer thing:


I don't know what it's supposed too be, but it defies physics, unlike Storm Shadow's nunchucks that could atleast bend. Miscellaneous fact: Torch the only one of the original 3 Dreadnoks not too come with another instrument of destruction, was supposed too have a Entrenching tool, I assume Torch was a big enough tool.

Monkeywrench: EXPLOSIVE EXPERT HARPOON!

This thing is awful, and what's with 86 guys being so under-accesorized. 1982 Figures came with more than a shitty gun


1990 Grid Iron: FOOTBALL GRENADE

These are hilarious, because I always imagine these being intercepted by some jerk Joe like Downtown. And then Footloose is all "TOO BAD EL BLANCHO NINO THIS JOKE IS 6 YEARS OLD"

Skypatrol guy brown gun thing:


What the hell is this?

1991 Hawk Revolver


This thing is awful, I mean Dirty Harry didn't need a scope for police brutality (SORRY FOR RIPPING U GUYZ OFF BROCA BLUTCH) but damn it's gold so I like it

Incinerator Catapult of death:

Apparently this was a Napalm catapult (Thanx Cobra Cabana) If so this is a pretty horrible thing, much like those Remco (I think) figures with "BATTLE SCENT" which apparently smelled like napalm

That's all for this week, have a happy new year.

More Goddamn ridiculous Filecards

This update 1997-2001; The fan and mail room guy years!

1997 Iceberg


Guys he's always cool--In more ways than one! This filecard tells me things. 1. Iceberg doesn't have a wife too cook for him thus everything he eats is a Tee Vee dinner. 2. He builds igloos, now I'm not a goddamn arctic survivalist or anything (I sell forged Garth Hudson autographs) but jesus christ I think the army doesn't use igloos. Because they take a fuck ton of time too build, and unless your an eskimo you can't build a structually sound one. 3. Iceberg looks hella white in his card art

1997 Destro

His filename isn't even spelled correctly. Oh and Iron Grenaiders technically came before Cobra, so the G.I. Joe comic continuity goes like this Issues 75-100 totally happened before Issue 1. Great work Tommy Wheelin' Dealin' Wheeler, this caused more damage too G.I. Joe than paintwipes

1997 Duke

Guys he's not from 1982, but he's totally cool. Like really he's better than Zap man. Jesus whichever jerk fanboy wrote this just decided too paraphrase his 84 Filecard, called him a "Man of Action" and then made graduating Airborne School to be the most important education. I guess Flint's a genius

1998 Torpedo

"That dude's weird he doesn't eat meat, let's not talk too him" I like his secondary Military Specialty "COMMAND" you could totally get away with a lot with that one.

2000 Duke

Shit, Duke was a joe before Hawk and Stalker. Take that Snake Eyes, you mute moron. Were there many EXCLAMATION POINTS! on old filecards? There sure are here

2000 Chameleon

Holy fuck, that's dumber than the dio stories about god, and anything Hawk ever wrote. How is Chameleon sabotaging COBRA missions, having them get a victory?

Crossfire and Double Blast




Two heavy machine gunner who can build guns in the dark. IN THE SAME TWO PACK. No wonder these guys have no following

that's it

FIGHT WITH A TACK

Today is the day when we look at the TALKING BATTLE COMMANDERS

These figures we're great because they we're the total embodiment of 90's toy gimmicks: Bright colors, watch batteries and SOUND EFFECTS!

Plus they had huge fucking backpacks that we're always attached unless you took a screwdriver to the figure, the backpack would cause them to fall over onto their backs and be stuck like a goddamned turtle, a turtle that had a backpack that made sound effects!

First you had Cobra Commander, who was dressed in a pastel-purple with a rag over his head that somehow fit perfectly. He yelled stuff like: "Vipers attack!" that sounded more like "FIGHT WITH A TACK!

http://www.yojoe.com/action/91/tbc/cc2.wav

Next you had General Hawk who had the worst goddamned tan ever and was dressed in "Desert" colors (ya know for killin' all those sand niggers with the PATRIOT MISSILE) who unconvincingly yelled "Eat lead, Cobra!" and had a giant gold gun, you know made from the gold plundered from Middle Eastern countries.

Then there was OVERKILL the commander of the B.A.T.S who was painted in a menacing shade of bright green with a gold head and ROBOT PANTS. Overkill was such a goddamned advanced robot that he could surf, because he yelled "Wipe out!"

http://www.yojoe.com/action/91/tbc/over2.wav

Then you had Stalker who partied so hard he was always grinning halfway between pain and the pleasure you get when you puke all over some jerks car in the parking lot of the Grand Union that one time when I was 19. He also ATTACKED and BLITZED people, he had a fucking Ninja Star, so basically this Stalker was a black guy in a 70's kung fu movie.

I think all of these molds have been used again, Overkill was in that internet exclusive set that Corey Stintson is always mad about, Cobra Commander and General Hawk err I'm sorry GENERAL TOMAHAWK came about again in 2000. Stalker came around again in that super forgettable Tiger Force set looking like some crazy homeless dude with a black jacket and orange Zubaz pants. I guess years of PARTYING and BLITZING take their toll on a guy. Or it was gulf war syndrome.

EVEN MORE absurd filecards from places not America!

http://98oldsmobiledotgov.blogspot.com/2007/07/absurd-funskool-filecards-caravan-of.html
This is part 2! again we're jacking images from yojoe. THANX E. SON



I guess Sun Ra was big in England, and why did Payload become a terrorist over there?



I like the whole spiel about Australia in brackets. Oh UK you sure are bizarre


Jesus fuck, Muskrat is apparently a guy with unstopping bullets, and the term "Crackhouse" on a filecard



Outside of the name nothing is changed, but it reminded me how awful it was too have a figure named "Skidmark" who was apparently maddenly well groomed



AKA REDBEARD, I hope he still rips jerks off


I like this Snake Eyes better than "MUTE GUY WHO NEVER LOSES"



Translation from yojoe.com Code Name: TNT
FILE NAME: Ted Nicolas Thomas
PRIMARY MILITARY SPECIALITY: Artillery Engineer
SECONDARY MILITARY SPECIALITY:�Explosives deactivator
GRADE:�M-16
He lost his father in Korea's war, victim of a booby trap. This suggested to him his future and as soon as he could he entered G.I. JOE forces, taking this complex specialty. His brave skills have saved many times�the Heroic Commands from traps that could have been deadly.

I like how is grade is a rifle, and his codename is also his initials.

God bless foreign G.I. Joe, your fun and in some ways MORE SERIOUS BUSINESS ARMY GUYZ than Joe fans would actually want

Thats how I escaped my certain fate

Kill the body and the head will die.

ALL WORLD TOY ROMANCE PART 2

The sad part is I first stumbled onto the fanfic he's reading in like 2002. There was many more hosted at some site, ranging from GI JOE RAPE FANTASY to bizarre shit like a Tomax/Xamot-Misfits crossover, I wish I could find them again.

ALL WORLD TOY ROMANCE

Aaaaah yeah baby GI Joe romance coming right the fuck on baby, toys in love, aaaaaaw yeah lets get it on:


http://www.fanfiction.net/s/1839050/1/Its_Not_What_You_Think

"Several minutes later, Scarlett stirred again, Duke's strong arms still wrapped around her. Not fully awake by any means, she started placing small kisses on his bare chest. Duke, beginning to awake from his sleep, stroked the length of her hair with one hand and placed the other hand gently on Scarlett's cheek. He lowered himself to her level and lightly kissed her lips. To his surprise, Scarlett didn't pull away, but instead, she drew closer to him and returned the kiss.

They ran their arms up and down each other's backs as they continued to kiss, each kiss becoming more and more passionate as time went on. Duke realized his hand went further down Scarlett's back than it should have. He braced himself for some sort of kick or punch and was again shocked that she didn't. "What is it with her? Surely, she hasn't been dreaming of this also," he thought.

Duke eventually found himself on top of Scarlett. He undid her sash and the robe fell open, exposing her. "Oh god... so perfect," Duke muttered very softly. He left a trail of warm, soft kisses as he worked his way down.

Duke became more and more aroused as Scarlett surprisingly encouraged him. He finally forgot about the fraternization regulations, the fact that they were just friends and that she could cause him severe bodily harm if she wanted to. Duke had been so consumed with exploring his partner's body that it took him a while to realize one of his partner's hands had left his back.

Duke moved back up and placed a long, breathtaking kiss on Scarlett's lips. When he couldn't stand it any longer, Duke lifted himself and removed Scarlett's robe so that there was absolutely nothing but air between their bodies.

At just the right, inopportune moment, Scarlett whispered very seductively, "Joey..."

Immediately upon hearing Scarlett whisper another man's name, Duke sprung out of the bed, jumping so high he nearly hit his head on the ceiling fan's blade. "


Awww yea-wait what?

1991 Grunt is still angry

"Grunt this vest is the best, it helps me dress to impress" "WHERE THE FUCK IS MY VEST


Roadblock's respect of Clutch's property pisses Grunt off



Grunt is angry at the shitty G.I. Joe parking Garage



Grunt is angry at Cliffhangers

Hey guys I made my floor look like Wal-Mart

At the end of the video he looks like he has a telescope or a camera on a tripod with a telephoto lens, probably for looking into the windows of his neighbors.

Also nasty feet.