Feelin' that same old way.
Well you jerks and jerkettes, Smash The State Figure Review-A-Thon has reached the end of its usable life, in two short years we accomplished all the things we set out to do:
1. Piss off nerds - Check
2. Write stupid things about stupid toys - Check
3. 1991 Grunt - Check
4. In jokes about stuff that happened 8 years ago - Check
So instead of seeing ourselfs start to get confortable and lazy (like we kinda are now) we're gonna call this whole thing off.
With that said I'd like to say a few things to some people:
Joecustoms - Your site stopped being cool in 2002, and has been going down hill and has fallen out of relevancy, despite you never wanting to admit it, Hisstank has done what you, JBL, Sgt Savage and all the other "BIG GUYS" failed to do, corner the major news and discussion market. Not to mention customizing has been getting worse and worse since 2001. We really enjoyed your signatures about us too! Go hog wild!
Hisstank - Thank you for being so paranoid about stupid things jerks say that you blocked my IP Address so I can't read your website, I'm so bummed I can't see CUSTOMS OF THE WEEK and pictures of toyz i'll never buy. PS: Keep being better at monopolying the fandom then everyone else so they get butthurt and "boycott" you.
Thomas Wheeler - We are sorry you have to be Thomas Wheeler.
General Hawk - You seem like an okay dude, but I still don't really dig your website or your spiel.
Mike 'De Aco' Fountain - The world misses your music.
All our Blogging Friends and Readers - Keep up the good work.
So what I am getting too is, with Johnny Turk not wanting to carry on, I do not want to carry on, so this places STS on indefinate hiatus, we could be back one day, but for now it's time to say goodbye or fuck you depending on who you are.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Monday, February 2, 2009
This is done, go home!
This little Smash The State experiment is now long gone dead, it ain't fun for me so I'm outta here. I'm gonna do what I planned on doing the last time I said I was peacing. Dr Henry E. Miller can keep this place running if he wants I'm confident in his ability, anyways this place accomplished more than I figured it would (Was read by other people, made Hisstank cry, apparently made some guys on JC have signatures about us, and made General Hawk say the "f" word)
Anyways it was fun while the fun lasted and I did get too meet some cool non jerks, like Bravo, and his pals who I've been impressed by for years, some cool dudes on Joedios, those okay guys from that blog that was a total rip off Smash The State who I never would have acknowledged.
see ya
Anyways it was fun while the fun lasted and I did get too meet some cool non jerks, like Bravo, and his pals who I've been impressed by for years, some cool dudes on Joedios, those okay guys from that blog that was a total rip off Smash The State who I never would have acknowledged.
see ya
Saturday, January 31, 2009
standing on the verge of ruining gi joe
This looks more like Dennis Quaid then the Dennis Quaid figure does.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
R.I.P. Dial Tone's penis!
Dial Tone is a woman now, I guess your thinking "That fag with the beret and mustache? I thought he was just French" Yes, I mean that guy, but now he's a woman. So now your thinking "Who cares it's Dial Tone, I hate French people so fuck him, maybe Brock Lee can do art of her in a bikini. That'd be cool and would remind me of COBRAAA.com"
I guess people don't seem too care, I mean no one likes Frogs and everyone digs BIKINI FAN ART! But I think you people are forgetting stuff. That stuff is that Dial Tone is a real fucking human being. Look at this image, this is what Dial Tone is doing right fucking now, since some goddamn skirt stole his job:
Alright I haven't seen this one. Hopefully they do an update on Women stealing Millitary jobs, fucking Doc had it happen too!
With the G.I. Joe team, which people complain about not enough new blood, they decide "fuck making new characters let's just replace gay homosexual Frenchmen and Uncle Tom's (if your a leader of Street Gang, or a cook or have a House Party 2 Haircut you can stay) with Womyn"
We here at Smash The State don't really care because Dial Tone is totally not as cool as Leatherneck, and by Leatherneck I mean Toxo Viper
FUCK YEAH THIS IS THE ONE WHERE THEY INVESTIGATE KURT COBAIN'S DEATH.
muchos gracias too Felix and Swindle for providing BEANZ eatin' dial tone. You are true heros
I guess people don't seem too care, I mean no one likes Frogs and everyone digs BIKINI FAN ART! But I think you people are forgetting stuff. That stuff is that Dial Tone is a real fucking human being. Look at this image, this is what Dial Tone is doing right fucking now, since some goddamn skirt stole his job:
TONIGHT ON UNSOLVED MYSTERIES I YELL UPDATE!
Alright I haven't seen this one. Hopefully they do an update on Women stealing Millitary jobs, fucking Doc had it happen too!
With the G.I. Joe team, which people complain about not enough new blood, they decide "fuck making new characters let's just replace gay homosexual Frenchmen and Uncle Tom's (if your a leader of Street Gang, or a cook or have a House Party 2 Haircut you can stay) with Womyn"
We here at Smash The State don't really care because Dial Tone is totally not as cool as Leatherneck, and by Leatherneck I mean Toxo Viper
FUCK YEAH THIS IS THE ONE WHERE THEY INVESTIGATE KURT COBAIN'S DEATH.
muchos gracias too Felix and Swindle for providing BEANZ eatin' dial tone. You are true heros
Thursday, January 22, 2009
SMASH THE TRAFFIC FIGURES
This post is too thank our dear friends at Broca Blutch R.I.P. for all the traffic they gave us. You guys are No 2. on the list but number one in my heart!
Other cats who gave us traffic: Plastic Nothing, despite being a place with some scary imagery! LBAM I think you gave us some either way I find your stuff entertaining except for your hatred of Eric W. Brenstan is uncalled for! The Cobra Cabana Blog version also gave us traffic thank you Barry Manilow you secret Crimson Guard!
Surprisingly #3 on the list of "JERKZ WHO SEND JERKZ HERE" is joecustoms.com, I bet if I searched that forum I wouldn't find a single link here, it's probably all in the "SUPER SECRET MODERATOR ONLY--NO GURLZ ALOUD" board. Why do I figure it's there? Well a while back there was a "PLAY NICE OR CLOSE UP SHOP" thead on STS FIGURE REVIEW NOW REVIEWS MESSAGE BOARDS-A-THON from a known JC guy who hasn't returned after not hearing what he wanted to hear. Anyways if you have a problem with us, talk too us like adults (despite that most of us own toys designed to be purchased by our parents so we would shut the fuck up when we were 8 years old) or just call us "MOTHERFUCKERS" in all caps you can do that too
PS: THANKS FOR THE TRAFFIC BRADLEY BEAVER
Other cats who gave us traffic: Plastic Nothing, despite being a place with some scary imagery! LBAM I think you gave us some either way I find your stuff entertaining except for your hatred of Eric W. Brenstan is uncalled for! The Cobra Cabana Blog version also gave us traffic thank you Barry Manilow you secret Crimson Guard!
Surprisingly #3 on the list of "JERKZ WHO SEND JERKZ HERE" is joecustoms.com, I bet if I searched that forum I wouldn't find a single link here, it's probably all in the "SUPER SECRET MODERATOR ONLY--NO GURLZ ALOUD" board. Why do I figure it's there? Well a while back there was a "PLAY NICE OR CLOSE UP SHOP" thead on STS FIGURE REVIEW NOW REVIEWS MESSAGE BOARDS-A-THON from a known JC guy who hasn't returned after not hearing what he wanted to hear. Anyways if you have a problem with us, talk too us like adults (despite that most of us own toys designed to be purchased by our parents so we would shut the fuck up when we were 8 years old) or just call us "MOTHERFUCKERS" in all caps you can do that too
PS: THANKS FOR THE TRAFFIC BRADLEY BEAVER
Saturday, January 17, 2009
PLAY THIS WHEN WAVE 14 COMES OUT!
Better reviews are done by LBAM, and other friends of SMASH THE STATE.
Friday, January 16, 2009
NERDS LOOSSING MOENY
GREETINGS FRIENDS are broken, the STATE WEBSITE of the review of the TOY of action is now under new ownersshio? YES, THAT is TRUE RUSSIAN FIRM of mass-media, "QUITSTALIN" has bought IMPACT, the REVIEW of ACTION of the STAKE (and the maintenance of a box of underwear of girlfriends of Turks Джонни) is not afraid of names (names) of such greater people as jack of Volume and doctor Harold, matlby will keep there places on a word renowed a website not enojyed blu the moon kuentucky WELL NEW FEEATURES INCL UDE edbedding musical advertising for Russia punsk rocks senstations the bolisviks
The post contnet cassandras was quit with mirrlers cowards draewr interview to John talley джонс RUSSIAN писсуаров rock groups of a hit (impact) PROPOGANDA DIO the HISTORY, named (caused) " PROTECTION OKTOBER AGAINST the TRANSFORMER ", the REVIEW of ALL four figures (numbers) of action of PROTECTION OKTOBER, ARRIVING SOON we SHALL buy PLASTIK NOTHKING BROCA the COTTAGE, And all over again the BEST ANGRY LAST REVIEW FUCKS DEMOCRAZY
The post contnet cassandras was quit with mirrlers cowards draewr interview to John talley джонс RUSSIAN писсуаров rock groups of a hit (impact) PROPOGANDA DIO the HISTORY, named (caused) " PROTECTION OKTOBER AGAINST the TRANSFORMER ", the REVIEW of ALL four figures (numbers) of action of PROTECTION OKTOBER, ARRIVING SOON we SHALL buy PLASTIK NOTHKING BROCA the COTTAGE, And all over again the BEST ANGRY LAST REVIEW FUCKS DEMOCRAZY
Thursday, January 15, 2009
PANCAKE HEAD
Remember like five years ago when youtube was just clips from old movies and obscure ass live performances.
With his mask on, NOBODY KNOWS WHAT HES TOWING, COULD JUST BE SOME JUNK.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Topics you don't see on G.I Joe message boards anymore.
Remember when G.I Joe internet forums we're fun? Me neither!
You never see the following topics anymore:
- "Will we ever get an army builder pack?"
- "PAINTWIPES ARGH"
- "Guys the single card should totally make a comeback so I can buy 150 repaint vipers"
- "WILL WE EVER SEE SUCH CLASSIC MOLDS AS TRIPWIRE EVER AGAIN?"
- "USING CORPS FIGURES AS NEW COBRA ARMY BUILDERS"
- "Those India folk should give back molds like the Crimson Guard and Cross Country!"
- "NOT ENOUGH CRIMSON"
- "I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE FIRST ISSUE OF THE DEVILS DUE COMIC THIS IS THE DAWN OF A NEW ERROR IN G.I JOE"
- "Send back action attack!"
- "GUYS T-CROTCHES WONT BE SO BAD G.I JOE IS G.I JOE RITE"
- "Improved proportions on wave 3 in 2003!"
- "I wonder if they have the Skyhawk mold"
- "UR DREAM LIST OF FIGURES YOU WANT MADE"
- "Heavy Duty: Underrated character"
- "Whats your dream cast for the G.I Joe movie MY CHOICE FOR BREAKER IS DOLPH LUNDGREN"
Those are all pretty retarded, almost as retarded as such great topics and posts as "RIPCORD SHOULD BE A WHITE REDHEAD GUY FROM THE USA"
Dang
You never see the following topics anymore:
- "Will we ever get an army builder pack?"
- "PAINTWIPES ARGH"
- "Guys the single card should totally make a comeback so I can buy 150 repaint vipers"
- "WILL WE EVER SEE SUCH CLASSIC MOLDS AS TRIPWIRE EVER AGAIN?"
- "USING CORPS FIGURES AS NEW COBRA ARMY BUILDERS"
- "Those India folk should give back molds like the Crimson Guard and Cross Country!"
- "NOT ENOUGH CRIMSON"
- "I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE FIRST ISSUE OF THE DEVILS DUE COMIC THIS IS THE DAWN OF A NEW ERROR IN G.I JOE"
- "Send back action attack!"
- "GUYS T-CROTCHES WONT BE SO BAD G.I JOE IS G.I JOE RITE"
- "Improved proportions on wave 3 in 2003!"
- "I wonder if they have the Skyhawk mold"
- "UR DREAM LIST OF FIGURES YOU WANT MADE"
- "Heavy Duty: Underrated character"
- "Whats your dream cast for the G.I Joe movie MY CHOICE FOR BREAKER IS DOLPH LUNDGREN"
Those are all pretty retarded, almost as retarded as such great topics and posts as "RIPCORD SHOULD BE A WHITE REDHEAD GUY FROM THE USA"
Dang
Friday, January 9, 2009
2009 Predictions!
1. Hisstank.com, enemy of Smash The State far before it was cool, will still be far more popular than the following sites: Joecustoms.com, Joebattlelines.com, Yojoe.com and the Baddest Men on eBay site. No word if it'll be more popular than Johio though.
2. One of those sites that are less popular than Hisstank will probably find Smash The State, DRAMA!
3. Tom Jacks Esq's job'll be on the line
4. The Economy will still be bad, nerds will lose money
5. The Smash The State "ORANGE CALENDAR FEATURING THINGS THAT REMIND YOU OF SMASH THE STATE" will probably be made by june.
6. Broca Blutch won't update often
7. G.I. Joe'll probably bomb, but most normal people will join the STS forum if they enjoy the movie, unless they sign up anywhere else and get scared off by seriously fucked up people
8. Smash The State won't apologize for their actions
9. The G.I. Joe club will fuck up again
10. You fucks best buy Dan Sartain's music
11. The Convention will probably be hilarious, Kansas City is apparently rough
12. The Store on 44 won't make good on anything!
13. is the lucky number of the folllowing people places and things: Roman Polanski, NAMBLA, 1983 SEAL codenamed: 'PEDO.
14. No one will catch the Zodiac Killer
15. Big Lob still won't be made. Arctic Hooded Cobra Commander will though (GET IT, RACISM!)
16. G.I. Joe forums will start to merge.
17. No one will like the 1997 Stars and Stripes set
18. Hasbro will totally do some K-Mart exclusive and throw a Yellow Stalker re-release in it
19. Ken Nordine won't return Dr. Henry E. Miller's phone calls about doing "Smash The State Word Jazz radio jingles"
20. The Gross income of Smash The State'll be higher than Bobby Steele's royalties from the Misfits
21. *INSERT SILENT OVERRATED STORY HERE*
22. Johnny Turk'll get pissed off about Smash The State like 9 times
23. 98oldsmobile.gov will continue too regurgitate the same 5 Post Templates over and over (List about shit, Blatant attack towards commuinty darling, history lesson part 3, Post pictures and give commentary, that other one we do a lot but I can't remember)
24. Randy Rampage won't re-join D.O.A.
25. 1991 Grunt'll calm down SPOILER ALERT
26. IS NOT AS GOOD A NUMBER TOO END AT AS 27
27. IS A GOOD NUMBER TO END AT
28. But I'm not Dr. Henry E. Miller so I'll post differently than him
29. Rick Danko refrences will come back once more people rip me off by stopping with hilarious tags.
30. Go out it's friday night!
2. One of those sites that are less popular than Hisstank will probably find Smash The State, DRAMA!
3. Tom Jacks Esq's job'll be on the line
4. The Economy will still be bad, nerds will lose money
5. The Smash The State "ORANGE CALENDAR FEATURING THINGS THAT REMIND YOU OF SMASH THE STATE" will probably be made by june.
6. Broca Blutch won't update often
7. G.I. Joe'll probably bomb, but most normal people will join the STS forum if they enjoy the movie, unless they sign up anywhere else and get scared off by seriously fucked up people
8. Smash The State won't apologize for their actions
9. The G.I. Joe club will fuck up again
10. You fucks best buy Dan Sartain's music
11. The Convention will probably be hilarious, Kansas City is apparently rough
12. The Store on 44 won't make good on anything!
13. is the lucky number of the folllowing people places and things: Roman Polanski, NAMBLA, 1983 SEAL codenamed: 'PEDO.
14. No one will catch the Zodiac Killer
15. Big Lob still won't be made. Arctic Hooded Cobra Commander will though (GET IT, RACISM!)
16. G.I. Joe forums will start to merge.
17. No one will like the 1997 Stars and Stripes set
18. Hasbro will totally do some K-Mart exclusive and throw a Yellow Stalker re-release in it
19. Ken Nordine won't return Dr. Henry E. Miller's phone calls about doing "Smash The State Word Jazz radio jingles"
20. The Gross income of Smash The State'll be higher than Bobby Steele's royalties from the Misfits
21. *INSERT SILENT OVERRATED STORY HERE*
22. Johnny Turk'll get pissed off about Smash The State like 9 times
23. 98oldsmobile.gov will continue too regurgitate the same 5 Post Templates over and over (List about shit, Blatant attack towards commuinty darling, history lesson part 3, Post pictures and give commentary, that other one we do a lot but I can't remember)
24. Randy Rampage won't re-join D.O.A.
25. 1991 Grunt'll calm down SPOILER ALERT
26. IS NOT AS GOOD A NUMBER TOO END AT AS 27
27. IS A GOOD NUMBER TO END AT
28. But I'm not Dr. Henry E. Miller so I'll post differently than him
29. Rick Danko refrences will come back once more people rip me off by stopping with hilarious tags.
30. Go out it's friday night!
Sunday, January 4, 2009
ILOVEBLACKRIPCORD.COM
WITH PHOTGRAPHIC PROOF!
Jesus who thinks voting for the first or 3rd option is a good idea?
Black people, bananas? You draw comparisons
ARGH MY SUPERHEROES!
I guess Snake Eyes is cast wrong, as he's from AMERICA LAND OF THE FREE HOME OF THE BRAVE. Not some Scottish guy
GUYS THEY'RE NOT THE SAME AS 27 YEARS AGO! says the guy with the re-envisioned Lifeline avatar
GUYS THE G.I. JOE MOVIE IS ONLY A SCAM TOO MAKE MONEY! THESE LIBERAL HOLLYWOOD BIG-WIGZ DON'T CARE ABOUT G.I. JOE. I ONLY TRUST LARRY HAMA THE ONLY GUY TOO DO ANYTHING WITH G.I. JOE, HE DID EVERYTHING, SCULPT, PAINT, NAME, FINANCE, DRAW, AND PACKAGE EVERY G.I. JOE EVER!
Jesus who thinks voting for the first or 3rd option is a good idea?
Black people, bananas? You draw comparisons
ARGH MY SUPERHEROES!
I guess Snake Eyes is cast wrong, as he's from AMERICA LAND OF THE FREE HOME OF THE BRAVE. Not some Scottish guy
GUYS THEY'RE NOT THE SAME AS 27 YEARS AGO! says the guy with the re-envisioned Lifeline avatar
GUYS THE G.I. JOE MOVIE IS ONLY A SCAM TOO MAKE MONEY! THESE LIBERAL HOLLYWOOD BIG-WIGZ DON'T CARE ABOUT G.I. JOE. I ONLY TRUST LARRY HAMA THE ONLY GUY TOO DO ANYTHING WITH G.I. JOE, HE DID EVERYTHING, SCULPT, PAINT, NAME, FINANCE, DRAW, AND PACKAGE EVERY G.I. JOE EVER!
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Guys, guys, why do I have too use a revolver with a goddamn scope?
And other awful G.I. Joe weapons (Yet again, I'm jacking images from the website yojoe, fuck you I ain't scanning a gun I don't own)
1984 Baroness gun:
This gun is really bad, it doesn't fit in a single figure's hands, and of the 6 Baroness' that I've owned over the years, every 2nd one came with the accesory pack version. I don't want this fucking gun in red.
1985 Buzzer thing:
I don't know what it's supposed too be, but it defies physics, unlike Storm Shadow's nunchucks that could atleast bend. Miscellaneous fact: Torch the only one of the original 3 Dreadnoks not too come with another instrument of destruction, was supposed too have a Entrenching tool, I assume Torch was a big enough tool.
Monkeywrench: EXPLOSIVE EXPERT HARPOON!
This thing is awful, and what's with 86 guys being so under-accesorized. 1982 Figures came with more than a shitty gun
1990 Grid Iron: FOOTBALL GRENADE
These are hilarious, because I always imagine these being intercepted by some jerk Joe like Downtown. And then Footloose is all "TOO BAD EL BLANCHO NINO THIS JOKE IS 6 YEARS OLD"
Skypatrol guy brown gun thing:
What the hell is this?
1991 Hawk Revolver
This thing is awful, I mean Dirty Harry didn't need a scope for police brutality (SORRY FOR RIPPING U GUYZ OFF BROCA BLUTCH) but damn it's gold so I like it
Incinerator Catapult of death:
Apparently this was a Napalm catapult (Thanx Cobra Cabana) If so this is a pretty horrible thing, much like those Remco (I think) figures with "BATTLE SCENT" which apparently smelled like napalm
That's all for this week, have a happy new year.
1984 Baroness gun:
This gun is really bad, it doesn't fit in a single figure's hands, and of the 6 Baroness' that I've owned over the years, every 2nd one came with the accesory pack version. I don't want this fucking gun in red.
1985 Buzzer thing:
I don't know what it's supposed too be, but it defies physics, unlike Storm Shadow's nunchucks that could atleast bend. Miscellaneous fact: Torch the only one of the original 3 Dreadnoks not too come with another instrument of destruction, was supposed too have a Entrenching tool, I assume Torch was a big enough tool.
Monkeywrench: EXPLOSIVE EXPERT HARPOON!
This thing is awful, and what's with 86 guys being so under-accesorized. 1982 Figures came with more than a shitty gun
1990 Grid Iron: FOOTBALL GRENADE
These are hilarious, because I always imagine these being intercepted by some jerk Joe like Downtown. And then Footloose is all "TOO BAD EL BLANCHO NINO THIS JOKE IS 6 YEARS OLD"
Skypatrol guy brown gun thing:
What the hell is this?
1991 Hawk Revolver
This thing is awful, I mean Dirty Harry didn't need a scope for police brutality (SORRY FOR RIPPING U GUYZ OFF BROCA BLUTCH) but damn it's gold so I like it
Incinerator Catapult of death:
Apparently this was a Napalm catapult (Thanx Cobra Cabana) If so this is a pretty horrible thing, much like those Remco (I think) figures with "BATTLE SCENT" which apparently smelled like napalm
That's all for this week, have a happy new year.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
More Goddamn ridiculous Filecards
This update 1997-2001; The fan and mail room guy years!
1997 Iceberg
Guys he's always cool--In more ways than one! This filecard tells me things. 1. Iceberg doesn't have a wife too cook for him thus everything he eats is a Tee Vee dinner. 2. He builds igloos, now I'm not a goddamn arctic survivalist or anything (I sell forged Garth Hudson autographs) but jesus christ I think the army doesn't use igloos. Because they take a fuck ton of time too build, and unless your an eskimo you can't build a structually sound one. 3. Iceberg looks hella white in his card art
1997 Destro
His filename isn't even spelled correctly. Oh and Iron Grenaiders technically came before Cobra, so the G.I. Joe comic continuity goes like this Issues 75-100 totally happened before Issue 1. Great work Tommy Wheelin' Dealin' Wheeler, this caused more damage too G.I. Joe than paintwipes
1997 Duke
Guys he's not from 1982, but he's totally cool. Like really he's better than Zap man. Jesus whichever jerk fanboy wrote this just decided too paraphrase his 84 Filecard, called him a "Man of Action" and then made graduating Airborne School to be the most important education. I guess Flint's a genius
1998 Torpedo
"That dude's weird he doesn't eat meat, let's not talk too him" I like his secondary Military Specialty "COMMAND" you could totally get away with a lot with that one.
2000 Duke
Shit, Duke was a joe before Hawk and Stalker. Take that Snake Eyes, you mute moron. Were there many EXCLAMATION POINTS! on old filecards? There sure are here
2000 Chameleon
Holy fuck, that's dumber than the dio stories about god, and anything Hawk ever wrote. How is Chameleon sabotaging COBRA missions, having them get a victory?
Crossfire and Double Blast
Two heavy machine gunner who can build guns in the dark. IN THE SAME TWO PACK. No wonder these guys have no following
that's it
1997 Iceberg
Guys he's always cool--In more ways than one! This filecard tells me things. 1. Iceberg doesn't have a wife too cook for him thus everything he eats is a Tee Vee dinner. 2. He builds igloos, now I'm not a goddamn arctic survivalist or anything (I sell forged Garth Hudson autographs) but jesus christ I think the army doesn't use igloos. Because they take a fuck ton of time too build, and unless your an eskimo you can't build a structually sound one. 3. Iceberg looks hella white in his card art
1997 Destro
His filename isn't even spelled correctly. Oh and Iron Grenaiders technically came before Cobra, so the G.I. Joe comic continuity goes like this Issues 75-100 totally happened before Issue 1. Great work Tommy Wheelin' Dealin' Wheeler, this caused more damage too G.I. Joe than paintwipes
1997 Duke
Guys he's not from 1982, but he's totally cool. Like really he's better than Zap man. Jesus whichever jerk fanboy wrote this just decided too paraphrase his 84 Filecard, called him a "Man of Action" and then made graduating Airborne School to be the most important education. I guess Flint's a genius
1998 Torpedo
"That dude's weird he doesn't eat meat, let's not talk too him" I like his secondary Military Specialty "COMMAND" you could totally get away with a lot with that one.
2000 Duke
Shit, Duke was a joe before Hawk and Stalker. Take that Snake Eyes, you mute moron. Were there many EXCLAMATION POINTS! on old filecards? There sure are here
2000 Chameleon
Holy fuck, that's dumber than the dio stories about god, and anything Hawk ever wrote. How is Chameleon sabotaging COBRA missions, having them get a victory?
Crossfire and Double Blast
Two heavy machine gunner who can build guns in the dark. IN THE SAME TWO PACK. No wonder these guys have no following
that's it
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
FIGHT WITH A TACK
Today is the day when we look at the TALKING BATTLE COMMANDERS
These figures we're great because they we're the total embodiment of 90's toy gimmicks: Bright colors, watch batteries and SOUND EFFECTS!
Plus they had huge fucking backpacks that we're always attached unless you took a screwdriver to the figure, the backpack would cause them to fall over onto their backs and be stuck like a goddamned turtle, a turtle that had a backpack that made sound effects!
First you had Cobra Commander, who was dressed in a pastel-purple with a rag over his head that somehow fit perfectly. He yelled stuff like: "Vipers attack!" that sounded more like "FIGHT WITH A TACK!
http://www.yojoe.com/action/91/tbc/cc2.wav
Next you had General Hawk who had the worst goddamned tan ever and was dressed in "Desert" colors (ya know for killin' all those sand niggers with the PATRIOT MISSILE) who unconvincingly yelled "Eat lead, Cobra!" and had a giant gold gun, you know made from the gold plundered from Middle Eastern countries.
Then there was OVERKILL the commander of the B.A.T.S who was painted in a menacing shade of bright green with a gold head and ROBOT PANTS. Overkill was such a goddamned advanced robot that he could surf, because he yelled "Wipe out!"
http://www.yojoe.com/action/91/tbc/over2.wav
Then you had Stalker who partied so hard he was always grinning halfway between pain and the pleasure you get when you puke all over some jerks car in the parking lot of the Grand Union that one time when I was 19. He also ATTACKED and BLITZED people, he had a fucking Ninja Star, so basically this Stalker was a black guy in a 70's kung fu movie.
I think all of these molds have been used again, Overkill was in that internet exclusive set that Corey Stintson is always mad about, Cobra Commander and General Hawk err I'm sorry GENERAL TOMAHAWK came about again in 2000. Stalker came around again in that super forgettable Tiger Force set looking like some crazy homeless dude with a black jacket and orange Zubaz pants. I guess years of PARTYING and BLITZING take their toll on a guy. Or it was gulf war syndrome.
These figures we're great because they we're the total embodiment of 90's toy gimmicks: Bright colors, watch batteries and SOUND EFFECTS!
Plus they had huge fucking backpacks that we're always attached unless you took a screwdriver to the figure, the backpack would cause them to fall over onto their backs and be stuck like a goddamned turtle, a turtle that had a backpack that made sound effects!
First you had Cobra Commander, who was dressed in a pastel-purple with a rag over his head that somehow fit perfectly. He yelled stuff like: "Vipers attack!" that sounded more like "FIGHT WITH A TACK!
http://www.yojoe.com/action/91/tbc/cc2.wav
Next you had General Hawk who had the worst goddamned tan ever and was dressed in "Desert" colors (ya know for killin' all those sand niggers with the PATRIOT MISSILE) who unconvincingly yelled "Eat lead, Cobra!" and had a giant gold gun, you know made from the gold plundered from Middle Eastern countries.
Then there was OVERKILL the commander of the B.A.T.S who was painted in a menacing shade of bright green with a gold head and ROBOT PANTS. Overkill was such a goddamned advanced robot that he could surf, because he yelled "Wipe out!"
http://www.yojoe.com/action/91/tbc/over2.wav
Then you had Stalker who partied so hard he was always grinning halfway between pain and the pleasure you get when you puke all over some jerks car in the parking lot of the Grand Union that one time when I was 19. He also ATTACKED and BLITZED people, he had a fucking Ninja Star, so basically this Stalker was a black guy in a 70's kung fu movie.
I think all of these molds have been used again, Overkill was in that internet exclusive set that Corey Stintson is always mad about, Cobra Commander and General Hawk err I'm sorry GENERAL TOMAHAWK came about again in 2000. Stalker came around again in that super forgettable Tiger Force set looking like some crazy homeless dude with a black jacket and orange Zubaz pants. I guess years of PARTYING and BLITZING take their toll on a guy. Or it was gulf war syndrome.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
EVEN MORE absurd filecards from places not America!
http://98oldsmobiledotgov.blogspot.com/2007/07/absurd-funskool-filecards-caravan-of.html
This is part 2! again we're jacking images from yojoe. THANX E. SON
I guess Sun Ra was big in England, and why did Payload become a terrorist over there?
I like the whole spiel about Australia in brackets. Oh UK you sure are bizarre
Jesus fuck, Muskrat is apparently a guy with unstopping bullets, and the term "Crackhouse" on a filecard
Outside of the name nothing is changed, but it reminded me how awful it was too have a figure named "Skidmark" who was apparently maddenly well groomed
AKA REDBEARD, I hope he still rips jerks off
I like this Snake Eyes better than "MUTE GUY WHO NEVER LOSES"
Translation from yojoe.com Code Name: TNT
FILE NAME: Ted Nicolas Thomas
PRIMARY MILITARY SPECIALITY: Artillery Engineer
SECONDARY MILITARY SPECIALITY:�Explosives deactivator
GRADE:�M-16
He lost his father in Korea's war, victim of a booby trap. This suggested to him his future and as soon as he could he entered G.I. JOE forces, taking this complex specialty. His brave skills have saved many times�the Heroic Commands from traps that could have been deadly.
I like how is grade is a rifle, and his codename is also his initials.
God bless foreign G.I. Joe, your fun and in some ways MORE SERIOUS BUSINESS ARMY GUYZ than Joe fans would actually want
This is part 2! again we're jacking images from yojoe. THANX E. SON
I guess Sun Ra was big in England, and why did Payload become a terrorist over there?
I like the whole spiel about Australia in brackets. Oh UK you sure are bizarre
Jesus fuck, Muskrat is apparently a guy with unstopping bullets, and the term "Crackhouse" on a filecard
Outside of the name nothing is changed, but it reminded me how awful it was too have a figure named "Skidmark" who was apparently maddenly well groomed
AKA REDBEARD, I hope he still rips jerks off
I like this Snake Eyes better than "MUTE GUY WHO NEVER LOSES"
Translation from yojoe.com Code Name: TNT
FILE NAME: Ted Nicolas Thomas
PRIMARY MILITARY SPECIALITY: Artillery Engineer
SECONDARY MILITARY SPECIALITY:�Explosives deactivator
GRADE:�M-16
He lost his father in Korea's war, victim of a booby trap. This suggested to him his future and as soon as he could he entered G.I. JOE forces, taking this complex specialty. His brave skills have saved many times�the Heroic Commands from traps that could have been deadly.
I like how is grade is a rifle, and his codename is also his initials.
God bless foreign G.I. Joe, your fun and in some ways MORE SERIOUS BUSINESS ARMY GUYZ than Joe fans would actually want
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Monday, December 8, 2008
ALL WORLD TOY ROMANCE PART 2
The sad part is I first stumbled onto the fanfic he's reading in like 2002. There was many more hosted at some site, ranging from GI JOE RAPE FANTASY to bizarre shit like a Tomax/Xamot-Misfits crossover, I wish I could find them again.
ALL WORLD TOY ROMANCE
Aaaaah yeah baby GI Joe romance coming right the fuck on baby, toys in love, aaaaaaw yeah lets get it on:
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/1839050/1/Its_Not_What_You_Think
Awww yea-wait what?
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/1839050/1/Its_Not_What_You_Think
"Several minutes later, Scarlett stirred again, Duke's strong arms still wrapped around her. Not fully awake by any means, she started placing small kisses on his bare chest. Duke, beginning to awake from his sleep, stroked the length of her hair with one hand and placed the other hand gently on Scarlett's cheek. He lowered himself to her level and lightly kissed her lips. To his surprise, Scarlett didn't pull away, but instead, she drew closer to him and returned the kiss.
They ran their arms up and down each other's backs as they continued to kiss, each kiss becoming more and more passionate as time went on. Duke realized his hand went further down Scarlett's back than it should have. He braced himself for some sort of kick or punch and was again shocked that she didn't. "What is it with her? Surely, she hasn't been dreaming of this also," he thought.
Duke eventually found himself on top of Scarlett. He undid her sash and the robe fell open, exposing her. "Oh god... so perfect," Duke muttered very softly. He left a trail of warm, soft kisses as he worked his way down.
Duke became more and more aroused as Scarlett surprisingly encouraged him. He finally forgot about the fraternization regulations, the fact that they were just friends and that she could cause him severe bodily harm if she wanted to. Duke had been so consumed with exploring his partner's body that it took him a while to realize one of his partner's hands had left his back.
Duke moved back up and placed a long, breathtaking kiss on Scarlett's lips. When he couldn't stand it any longer, Duke lifted himself and removed Scarlett's robe so that there was absolutely nothing but air between their bodies.
At just the right, inopportune moment, Scarlett whispered very seductively, "Joey..."
Immediately upon hearing Scarlett whisper another man's name, Duke sprung out of the bed, jumping so high he nearly hit his head on the ceiling fan's blade. "Awww yea-wait what?
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
1991 Grunt is still angry
"Grunt this vest is the best, it helps me dress to impress" "WHERE THE FUCK IS MY VEST
Roadblock's respect of Clutch's property pisses Grunt off
Grunt is angry at the shitty G.I. Joe parking Garage
Grunt is angry at Cliffhangers
Roadblock's respect of Clutch's property pisses Grunt off
Grunt is angry at the shitty G.I. Joe parking Garage
Grunt is angry at Cliffhangers
Monday, December 1, 2008
Hey guys I made my floor look like Wal-Mart
At the end of the video he looks like he has a telescope or a camera on a tripod with a telephoto lens, probably for looking into the windows of his neighbors.
Also nasty feet.
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