No fun, to be alone

Feelin' that same old way.

Well you jerks and jerkettes, Smash The State Figure Review-A-Thon has reached the end of its usable life, in two short years we accomplished all the things we set out to do:

1. Piss off nerds - Check
2. Write stupid things about stupid toys - Check
3. 1991 Grunt - Check
4. In jokes about stuff that happened 8 years ago - Check

So instead of seeing ourselfs start to get confortable and lazy (like we kinda are now) we're gonna call this whole thing off.

With that said I'd like to say a few things to some people:

Joecustoms - Your site stopped being cool in 2002, and has been going down hill and has fallen out of relevancy, despite you never wanting to admit it, Hisstank has done what you, JBL, Sgt Savage and all the other "BIG GUYS" failed to do, corner the major news and discussion market. Not to mention customizing has been getting worse and worse since 2001. We really enjoyed your signatures about us too! Go hog wild!

Hisstank - Thank you for being so paranoid about stupid things jerks say that you blocked my IP Address so I can't read your website, I'm so bummed I can't see CUSTOMS OF THE WEEK and pictures of toyz i'll never buy. PS: Keep being better at monopolying the fandom then everyone else so they get butthurt and "boycott" you.

Thomas Wheeler - We are sorry you have to be Thomas Wheeler.

General Hawk - You seem like an okay dude, but I still don't really dig your website or your spiel.

Mike 'De Aco' Fountain - The world misses your music.

All our Blogging Friends and Readers - Keep up the good work.

So what I am getting too is, with Johnny Turk not wanting to carry on, I do not want to carry on, so this places STS on indefinate hiatus, we could be back one day, but for now it's time to say goodbye or fuck you depending on who you are.

standing on the verge of ruining gi joe

This looks more like Dennis Quaid then the Dennis Quaid figure does.

Nostalgia For An Age That Never Existed

Thats right, 25th anniversary versions of figures that came out...3 years ago? Are we supposed to get sappy about the stuff that ruined G.I Joe? Knock Offs of Knock Offs?

Is there a chase version of duke with a goddamned button sticking out of his ass?

Remember when G.I.Joe wasn't a serious Collector hobby

Prior to the 25th Anniversary of G.I. Joe, Hasbro marketed G.I. Joe's from 1997-2006 too jerks, cool dudes (Smash The State, it's loyal readers and a few other non jerks), some angry guys, and the nostalgic. This meant that Hasbro mainly focused on making a bunch of awful figures, lying too fans and occasionally doing something good. So there main audience was people who belived they "Really tried hard too make a figure I didn't belive that I would enjoy" as well as people who blew their money on joes because it was an easy thing to collect.

Nowadays, G.I. Joe is serious fucking business, which means not only are they still making awful figures and lying too the fans, but now they've decided to make nerds lose more money, by producing garbage like this:



That's a mighty Mugg, I have no idea what the fuck a Mighty Mugg is, but i'm sure some moron is gonna fork money over for it because G.I. Joe is now SERIOUS GODDAMN BUSINESS AND YOU GOTTA GET TWO OF EVERYTHING (One to open and put on a shelf and another to tack too your wall or put on a hook to make your house look like a fucking Wal Mart)

There's another stupid type of thing like this but I can't remember what they're called, but I do know they're godawful too and this type of expansion is only making this line easier and easier too ignore, back in the good old days of stuff we complained about but would take back in a heart beat this shit wouldn't fly

ADULT COLLECTABLE

Remember those DTC wave 4 figures that nobody in their right mind really gave a fuck about? Remember how nobody in their right mind really cared they never got released? Remember how nobody in their right mind wanted more mediocre repaints? Unless you liked to review things in tandem on a site with no content?

TAKE IT AWAY FRED!

Well now our friends at the serious business action figure club are trying to hock them as ADULT COLLECTIBLES!



You see they are children's toys only for ADULTS, and ADULTS are willing to pay 30 dollars a two pack with 12 dollar shipping for such exciting figures as overweight Lt. Falcon and Female Cobra Male Fantasy With Guns. Those aren't made up numbers folks, thats Masturbatory Collectors actual asking price:


Airtight vs. Cobra Officer- $28.99 Ships October
Outback vs. Night Viper- $28.99 Ships October
Lt. Falcon Vs. Munitia & PP Copperhead- $40.99 Ships January

I mean it would be one thing if they were at least hocking GOOD figures, but these are rehashes from the end of the failed new sculpt experiment. Master Collector should just come out and say it on their website:


Buy our snake oil you retarded disposable income fucks

Jerks are going to pay a lot of money for this

The Collectors Club "free" figure, ya know the one that you get for your 42 bucks you get a figure that's been released twice in sets that have been army built, now you get one that matches your 300 dollar ugly group of figures like small head Destro and glued helmet Gnawgahyde. Of course you might be one of the unlucky ones who gets sent the 12 inch "BLACK TALKING COMMANDER" I truly hope that means he can speak jive.

Websites we totally miss

The Joe community has had a bunch of tools who like everything, a lot of poorly designed websites and a few that kicked a lot of ass that no longer exist or aren't updated. Here's a few I wish were still around:

Zartans Domain. Too bad a negative comment about a shitty comic got guys pissed off enough to report censored drawings of toys fucking.

The Cobra Cabana http://www.geocities.com/amazingaman/cobracabana.html the dio stories on this are better than a certain one featuring a biblepuncher, or one where HIT AND RUN ESCAPES IN THE VERMONTILLIAN RAINFOREST

Felix DeCobra's website, man this guy knew how to army build stuff, because like 12 mint and complete Crimson Guards is way better than 80 Wave 1.5 Vipers

The G.I.Joe Warfare dios, hey good stories and ya know not writing in characters because you gotta show guys you like Obscure dudes!

Extensive Enterprises, fuck I can't even remember which this site was about it's been so long.

The BADDEST MEN ON EbAY: Fuck you guys Wolves and sewer grates are the best

Raven's castings, I'd much rather have bootleged hasbro weapons that I know won't fuck my figure's hands up.

Anyways this list was a lot bigger in my head, but I totally forgot a lot of them because nowadays the community is so fractured into "Idiots" and "Regular dudes" and then the idiots have stuck themselves into Site with to many rules 1 Site With to Many Rules and an outdated Archive, and A site full of new fans and lenient moderation. And this site I hope

The Doctors Short Takes Part Duex

Don't you idiots get it that by getting your panties in a bunch over the RARE AND EXCLUSIVE FIGURRRRUZ! that we ONLY HAVE ONE CHANCE TO GETTTT! you are creating your own fucking problem and building a market for the scalpers you detest so much?

It's like junkies who hate their heroin.

Even more dumb shit jerks said

This is a new weekly thing until we get bored, also it's gonna happen on Sundays instead of Monday because it's easier or something (read: I found some really stupid shit jerks said and didn't want to forget about this) so here's this week in joe stupidity:

Some guy making noise about some ugly 25thA Scarlett figure like honestly I've read this twice and still don't get it: "now we can see what's underneth scarlett's helmet and it look like she has her hair ties or twisted like a bund, I just ask the hasbro team if they can remove her helmet to see what kind of hair style does she has there. I think that is a really nice figure of scarlett, let's see how she will turn out, maybe she would fit in the gijoe/transformer continuity era."

Some guy on a 5 minute cartoon that will probably get cancelled due to the fact you can't make money on commercials for something 5 goddamn minutes long: "It's like Sigma 6 on steroids, but more "real world", more adult, and with toys at a 3 3/4" scale. It's G.I. Joe perfection in my eyes."


Some guy who is out of step with society and probably would not find the musical stylings of MDC (Millions of Dead Cops) good: "I suppose what I find funny are certain newspaper comic strips. I have quite a vast collection of book compilations of assorted newspaper comic strips. These I find funny. BC. Wizard of Id. Dennis the Menace. Get Fuzzy. FoxTrot. Dilbert. etc. These I find funny, although not all of them. I don't see how people find "Pearls Before Swine" funny, and I have no use for overtly political strips (and I wish Get Fuzzy would stop sailing into those waters)."


Some dude who thinks to change things up you should take an already bad figure and make it shittier: "If they want to release single carded versions of DVD/comic pack figures I'd want them to be signifigantly different than their previous versions. Quick Kick in parka, Slaughter's Marauders Falcon, etc.."

A guy on his terrible spending habits: "i usually spend about 300 to 400 which is much better than last year when i was spending between 1200 to 1500 a month"

Some dude who seems insecure about how he wastes his money on kids toys: "As a non-smoker, non-drinker, workaholic father of 2 kids, I think I'm entitled to a vice of my choosing that does not hurt nor affect anyone around me and at the same time, will pan out to be a financial asset (based on what I buy) going forward."

Another dude who was probably a real cool guy in High School:"I could care less what anyone says about what I spend on MY toys, with MY MONEY. I do find it funny when they try to be a smartass with the comments, but then shut them up quick, when I ask what do they have to show for $100 bucks they wasted on partying vs what I spent on my collection."

Well that's all the retardedness for this week that I could find, and remember $100 is like 10 toys, or a quarter oz a six pack and bad sex. If you chose the toys your probably married and lame or lame, or an Ian McKaye emulating jerk who likes toys instead of Lyle Preslar

SERIOUS COLLECTORS, REALISTIC MILITARY ACTION, WILLIE THE PIMP

What better way to extort jerks out of like 80 bucks then a figure that looks like a fucking pimp:



"Eyo man you better pay up or I'm gonna take this here hair dryer and make you all unconfortable motherfucker!"

I like how Hasbro is trying to make Joe into a "LEGIT COLLECTORS TOYLINE" now that they finally got there heads out of there asses and got it nobody but 30 year olds with fast food paychecks and blood sugar problems are buying these things. So they made a shit load of CHASE FIGURES~! and BAD DISTRUBUTION~! to make Joe look legit among the ranks of toylines that take them selfs far too seriously. Now we have 80 dollar COLLECTIBLE WAR DOLLS hitting the market! Ya know I'm all for jerks spending way too much of their money on things with no retroactive value (Yes, there will be no vintage Joe market in 10 years, deal with it) but stuff like this is promoting more assholes like scalpers and jerks who send out 10 minute old carded figures to get an AFA grade like anyone cares about your lame fucking toys.

Toys R Us 6 Packs

For a while, the only way to get a decent new G.I.Joe was through the Toys R Us 6 packs, since the regular figures were body building monkey armed pinheaded macho types, with problems far greater than "GODDAMN THIS ANNHILATOR IS COOL BUT PUMPKIN ORANGE, WEAK MAN" so I'm going to criticize these 6 packs for fun some were good but did they sustain popularity? (no)


Tiger Force: First off all this set wasn't even a fucking six pack but I can't think of another mold I would want to see painted orange and blue. The 88 Tiger Force were okay figures some were bad like Lifeline and Bazooka. While others like Flint and Duke and Roadblock and Recondo were really cool. Then in the 90s Europe got 6 really ugly motherfuckers, the most useful one is Outback and he looks like Santa goddamn claus, so in 2003 when they decided to make them they used the Euro scheme. Gee thanks Hasbro.

Python Patrol: In 89 they had a really goofy idea of "let's repaint the old figures and make money!" and then decided to use 3 different colorschemes, and made the trooper unable to hold his gun, I've got five and can't get a goddamn gun in their hands fuck those guys. So in 2003 they redid them but this time instead of using cool figures like Cobra Officer and Strato Viper they used fucking Laser Viper and SAW viper and gave them a maroon and black scheme and a ton of Gold paint. They looked like prostitutes or drag queens or something

I can't remember which came next so I'm claiming it's the one with Mutt. This set was probably the best Joe set even though it had weird Steel Brigade helmets, But hey it gave the fans what they wanted, useless obscure characters who no one actually uses.

Cobra Infantry 6 Pack: This was an amazing set it featured at least one brand new part, it had everything people liked, vintage looking figures, cool colors, army builders and only army builders no Major Bludd, Destro, Jesus, Metal Head, Dreadnoks, Storm Shadow, Major Altitude or Firefly. Although the weapons sucked they were still better than some of the 2 pack figures.

Night Force: Hey let's use Funskool molds also let's give them ridiculously busy uniforms and take Tracker out and put in the British guy, but that British guy just happens to be G.I. Joe but hey what the fuck people don't care about Tracker. Also ROADBLOCK LOOKS SPOOKED

Ninja 6 pack: Hey let's pack two awesome red ninjas, a decent black ninja and a cool Storm Shadow with two AWFUL female figures with ugly ass wall paper patterns on them, because painted details work well on a figures compared to molded details on the ones in the same damn set. Also what the fuck kind of ninja weapon is a Duffel bag?

Desert Team!: Ugh, you get a lowlight made from two figures, you've got awful detailing, and terrible figures, like Dusty with a stretcher head who looks like he's got a neck brace. Or Stalker with no Mustache and random silver rings on his shoulders, also another Tunnel Rat

Uh I dunno what came next so I'll mix three Cobra profiles into one! The Crimson guard sets: 2 were the same but with a different leader Tomax or Xamot, but the CG's still sucked with their awful REMOVABLE HELMET heads that looked like a bad custom by some dude with a screen name like "COBRARATHOVERCRAFTFIREFLYZARTAN1993" "Jasongijoe" or something else stupid. Also there was one where it was 6 CG's in black (yeah, real fuckin' crimson) and Ninja weapons, seriously what the fuck?

Arctic Team: Hell yeah that guy from Battle Force 2000, in 2006. Hell yeah another Snake Eyes, and Stalker, hell yeah Lowlight's Sniper and bi-pod in the same color it was in 86, what the fuck? why is Mirage clear! hell yeah the Snowjob mold as some other guy again!, .hell yeah that guy from 1988 who was an arctic guy as Short Fuse!

Urban Division: Ugh Ninja Force Storm Shadow, ugh Firefly again, hey Scrap Iron!. For some reason this set had a ton of characters and a ton of different color schemes, atleast the Flak Viper didn't suck.

Imperial Procession: Ugly

Greenshirts: More like greenshit

Night Watch: Very disapointing would have been better if they didn't be lazy and used the 04 Trooper mold.

Yeah, looking back those 6 packs were hella goofy but some good figures came out of it.

G.I. Joe comic re-boot!

One thing a lot of joe fans have clung to since 1995 was the G.I.Joe continuity. Mainly because they've got no real personality and didn't buy health insurance until the OXY CLEAN GUY WHO YELLS A LOT started endorsing it. And now that Devils Due (dudes I never heard of prior to the joe comic) lost that license and some more guys I've never heard of got it and have decided "LOL THIS HERE COMIC BOOK WITH IT'S LAST CHOICE WRITER THAT MARVEL DIDN'T CARE ENOUGH ABOUT TO EVEN BOTHER TEACHING ANYONE ELSE ABOUT THE JOES TO REPLACE HIM" 25+ year old continuity is in need of a reboot.

Nerds hate change. So this is bad news for them, even though the new comic will be written by Larry Hama again, and jerks will still praise him as some amazing fuckin writer even though all 155 issues were to sell some goddamn childrens toys. They weren't even realistic about army problems, do you guys remember the issue where Clutch and Rock N Roll killed a bunch of Cobra soldiers and then trafficked drugs? Or the time Shipwreck wasn't allowed to serve due to the no open gays in the military rule, or the time Flash got PTSD and was shipped back home and then became homeless?

Me neither, and until they do a Joe comic that doesn't suck make mine jokes about Funskool Tripwire and Thomas Wheeler

Master Collector doesn't reply to my email

Some how I wound up on the mastercollector mailing list. So instead of being polite and requesting off I trolled those guys, too bad they didn't reply, anyways here it is: SIR OR MADAMN YOU SEEM TO HAVE GOTTEN THIS JOHNNY TURK CONFUSED WITH ANOTHER. IT IS VERY COMMON NAME, SEE. THIS E-MAIL IS USED TOO DISCUSS HARDCORE PUNK ROCK MUSIKS WITH MEN, I DO NOT WISH TO RECEIVE YOUR CONSUMER FACIST PROPAGANDA, YA SEE THIS IS NOT WHAT I SIGNED UP FOR AS I DID NOT SIGN UP. I DID CHECK YOUR WEBSIGHT AND IT IS A HARD NAVIGATION, I WOULD POST THIS ON YOUR BBS HOWEVER I (A TECHNOLOGY MAN) COULD NOT FIGURE IT OUT. THIS IS NOT CHILDREN IN HEAT MAN.Cellophane sex, a new way of life
With your heart in your throat
And the other alive
You've been pissin', pissin' blood
Pissin' blood for seven days. GLENN DANZIG IS VERY TALENTED SING. DO YOU LIKE HIM, I LIKE HIM MUCH MORE THAN JERU. HOW ABOUT DEAD KENNEDYS (NO THE)


Master collector if you read this (Please do, we totally meant every negative comment, and all that praise we didn't write but felt because your getting like 3 wendy's checks)

The Doctors Short Takes Part: 9

Hey fuck your fascist sequential numbering schemes I do what I want!


Ever notice, on any of the popular Joe message boards that some twit is pining and waxing-longingly for a reissue of some vehicle that is considered a classic. We all know well and full that Hasbro would screw the pooch with the mold like they have with any of the older complex molds like the rattler and the vaporware tanks that jerks paid way to much for. It's one thing to make the HISS over and over, that thing could be carved out of wood, but to accually think that Hasbro has all the parts to make a Skystriker or even the fucking F.L.A.G.G is retarded nostalgia for an age that never existed.

The Doctors Short Takes Part 1:

From The Desk Of The Esteemed Doctor Henry Edward Miller:

Ever notice how, in almost every wave since the new sculpts started, that theres been one or more figure that has some kind of disabling construction aliment that makes it move, and sometimes look incredibly stupid. C.L.A.W's Commander and his lower arms, Blackout, a sniper whos supposed to you know, hold his rifle up to his face, can't do that with his shitty arms. Even the new 25th anniversary nerd money pit figures have these problems. It's 2008 can't we get a action figure that you know, a kid or a overweight single fuck can play with?

Because we sure as shit had them 20 years ago.

LOOK OUT THERE'S DRUG DEALERS!

Looks like this year's convention is gonna be about drug dealers, why can't they do something G.I.Joe fans actually deal with like COBRA attacks church with the powers of common sense, or Cobra attacks the republican national convention so that people can get health care and not get drafted, Joe fans would want to stop terrorism then!

Here's a pic of the first ugly figure:

Now all the drug dealers I've met haven't been white dudes with bad hair or skull belt buckles, also they didn't have poorly photoshopped shadows.

Also are the spears in the skull supposed to feed the scared white person's fear of dem dere spearchuckers

Why I never go into Toys R Us anymore.

From The Desk Of The Esteemed Doctor Henry Edward Miller:

A few years ago, when I accually cared about GI Joe action figures and bought them in a public place, I was in Toys R Us in Riverhead NY looking at the action figure section flipping through that "HEAVY WEAPONS ASSAULT TEAM" 5-pack that was crowding the shelfs with his gayness, when I was approached from behind by something that cast a long shadow under the bright florescent lights of the store, I knew right away that I was dealing with either a large child, a large adult, either way I could smell the social ineptness.

A voice called out from behind:

"Oh do you like GI Joes too?"

So I stupidly respond:

"Yeah, I've been collecting them since the 80's.."

"OH MAN I THOUGHT I'D NEVER MEET ANOTHER JOE FAN IN PERSON"

I put that in capitals because this thing was yelling, yes, YELLING this, people in other sections in the store could hear the excited bellowing of this guy. I turned around to see his face. What appeared over my shoulder was something that could not have been less then 450 pounds, something that could not have been wearing a shirt larger then "Medium" and something that looked like he hasn't seen what a shower looks like since Reagan got shot. He must've been at least 25-28 years old, and was visibly excited that he had finally found someone who shared the same interests as him in real life.

"DO YOU LIKE THE NEW SCULPTS?"

Still yelling, loud enough that people over in the RC car isle were probably taking interest. I didn't respond for a few seconds..

"DO YOU LIKE THE NEW POST 2002 WAVE 2 NEW SCULPTS, I DO, I THINK WAVE 3 BEACHHEAD IS JUST SWELL"

I needed to escape, I tried to make a deke to the left to get around this mountain of ranch sauce, he stepped closer, I began to grow scared, I took another look at him, he was wearing a TOOL (fat music for fat people) shirt that as I mentioned before, was at least six sizes too small, and had a tattoo of a dragon on his arm/elbow/hand combo. I tried to move away from the isle, and he followed me, I moved faster, and he tried to keep up, all the while yelling:

"DO YOU WANT TO EXCHANGE E-MAIL ADDRESSES?"

And:

"MY FAVORITE COBRA IS ZARTAN!"

I knew I had an advantage, I could out run this fatty, but somehow his desire to make me into his new best friend had completely override the fact he hasn't moved above the speed of new coupon day at Carl Jr's since the early 90's. I had to get to my car, the car is my only hope, someone this socially retarded doesn't own a car, and the bus only runs every half hour.

I went out the exit with him in hot pursuit, he continued to yell stuff like "DO YOU HAVE THE AGENT FACES MAIL IN FIGURE?" "ARE YOU A MEMBER OF THE PITT MAILING LIST???" all across the parking lot!

I got into my car, and started up the motor, I put the Ronnie Wood Thunder Express Tribute Machine into gear and got out of there as fast as goddamned possible, I did 80 mph all the way out to county road 51. Then it hit me, I had my cell phone out of my pocket back when I was browsing the figures on the rack, and somewhere during that time, I had placed it down, and in the rush to escape from the joelatious blob I forgot it.

The phone had a few business numbers in it that I couldn't lose, so I made a choice to go back, like Raoul Duke driving back to Vegas in the 2nd half of Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas I had to go back and face the paranoia once more.

I pulled into the parking lot that I had sped out of only a few scant moments before, I parked as close to the front entrance as I could. Walking into the store was what my father must've felt walking into the jungles of Vietnam, the enemy could be anywhere, it could be anyone. He could be lurking behind any Polly Pocket display waiting to strike. I gingerly made my way back to the section where my phone was left, I could see it from 20 feet away, it's scuffed sliver finish glistening in the light. No sign of him, was I home free? Did he get on the bus and go back to where he came? I picked up the phone and put it into the pocket of my jeans, I breathed a sign of relief, I might be safe.

I have a habit of thinking too fast. Because from behind I heard...

"OH YOUR BACK!!!!"

Oh fuck.

"HEY MAN DO YOU HAVE A AOL INSTANT MESSAGER NAME?!?"

FUCK

"DO YOU LIKE THE BAND LINKIN PARK? THERE MY FAVORITE WHEN I MAKE CUSTOMS I LISTEN TO THEM TO GET ME READY"

No, no, what did I do to deserve this? I've never broken any laws, okay, got me there, but I never hurt anyone else, what did I do, what horrible fate have I chosen for myself!

He fat-jogged towards me, arms out like he was ready to hug me, but right before he got within arms reach, a voice called out like the gun of Jeanies father and stopped him dead in his tracks.

"Walter, WALTER GET OVER HERE"

"Awww C'monnn Mommmm"

"GET OVER HERE RIGHT NOW OR NO TV FOR YOU TONIGHT"

"Aawwwwwwww MOOOOOM!"

I stood there in stunned silence as this woman came over and grabbed "Walter" and dragged him out of sight, the whole time he protested and whined, I saw this scene play itself out all the way to the exit. I was free, I was safe, this grown mans possessive mother saved me from certain doom.

I collected myself and made my way to the exit. When I got back into my car I made a pact with myself that I would never admit to collecting toys ever again in a public place, or go into Toys R Us ever again. Because somewhere, lurking amongst the bonds that held me to my youth was a army of socially retarded Walters ready to ask me for my E-mail and what my favorite Eco-Warrior was.

I could never look at that store the same way ever again.

Stories jerks sent us

As the leading blog in the G.I.Joe fan community, what with us being the only good one, I feel that Smash the State Figure Review a thon should hand out some fan fiction, yes, that stuff that losers wrote back in the 90's because DSL was too expensive, and they couldn't take pictures. So here's some excerpts:

"ROCK N ROLLS DAY OFF" by Anonymous

"ROCK N ROLL WAS ON LEAF AT HIS HOME. HE DECIDED TO GO BEAT UP PUNK ROCKERS AND GET SOME CHICKS. ROCK N ROLL PUT A EAGLES T SHIRT ON OVER HIS 6 PACK ABS. AT THE SHOW HE RAN AROUND FIGHTING. SUDDENLY HENRY ROLLINS HIT HIM WITH A BOTTLE AND THE FIGHT WAS ON" ROCK N ROLL TURNED AND SAID "YOU THINK YOUR HARD ROLLINS, I DRINK COCA COLA FOR BREAKFAST AND I NEVER GRADUATED FROM HIGH SCHOOL" WHILST PUNCHING ROLLINS IN THE CHEST. ROLLINS THEN SAID "YOUR A DICK ALL RIGHT" AND GAVE SGT CRAIG S MCCONNEL A CRUSHING LEFT HAND ALL OF A SUDDEN COBRA COMMAND COMMANDOS ATTACKED. AN OFFICER WITH HIS GREY UNIFORM AND SILVE FACE MASKED SHOT AND KILLED GREGG GINN WHO WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF PLAYING A MUDDIED SOLO FOR THE HIT SONG BLACK COFFEE. THE REST OF THE BAND SOON WERE KILLED, EXCEPT HENRY GARFIELD AND HE AND ROCK N ROLL USED M60S TOO BLOW AWAY THE THE COBRS. LATER THAT DAY ROLLINS JOINED G.I.JOE HIS CODENAME WAS 6 PACK"

SCARLETTS DATE by unknown

"Scarlett was in her quarters, laying out her outfit waiting for her date with G.I.Joe team leader, Duke, she stood there and slowly dried her wet body..."

there was more to this, but I ain't copying and pasting some shit some nerd wrote so that he could sustain an erection.

"???" by Tommy WHEELIN DEALIN
STEVEN:
WELL I THINK IT WAS COOL.
Dukel:
I DON'T THINK IT WAS, BUT IT HAD TO BE. CAN WE TALK ABOUT ANY THING ELSE?... PLEASE.
SNAKE EYES:
WE LIVE IN A TOUGH PLACE TO LIVE AND YOU WALK AROUND LIKE EVERY THING IS OK.
Gabriel:
WELL I AM NOT AFRAID OF THE GANGS.
ROADBLOCK:
WHAT DO YOU FEAR? (GABRIEL LOOKS RIGHT AT STEVEN AND SAYS IN A COME SEROUS VOICE.)
DUKE:
ONLY ONE THING.. DEMONS.
SNAKE EYES:
WHAT DO YOU MEAN ? (GABRIEL STILL IN HIS SEROUS TONE.)
DUKE:
WELL.. I AM HEAR TO KILL THEM. LETS JUST SAY EVIL IS EVOLVING, SO GOOD HAS TO AS WELL. (THERE ARE SOUNDS OF GUN SHOTS AND A WOMENS VOICE SCREAMING.
OV SCARLETT:
I DON'T HAVE YOUR MONEY. PLEASE GIVE ME ONE MORE DAY.
OV PIMP DESTRO:
FUCK YOU BITCH. YOUR A DEAD HOOKER. (HAND GUN FIRE 2 SHOTS) STEVEN REALIZES IT IS HIS MOTHER IN THE HALLWAY. HE GETS UP AND RUNS WHILE SAYING

Hey look we should have updated

But we didn't Henry E. Miller was too busy in minnieapolis fighting Verne Gange and Dick the bruiser DADDY!

here's the influence for Storm Shadow v25, ya know that one from the comic packin the 25th line

ALSO MEXICO is BETTER THAN SERPENTOR, take that lou dobbs

G.I.Joe as a Lifetime movie

Dr. Henry, your fine article made me think "Gee I'm glad I'm not an idiot" but it also made me think the collectors club is like one of those abusive boyfriends, so they'll abuse the nerds for like 6 years until one day some loser dressed like this:



A mix of Cobra Commander and the motherfucking Zodiac Killer decides to shoot the club in the back while it's asleep on the couch. Now I'm not sure if that's a metaphor or if someone's gonna actually shoot dudes in the back I don't got the E.S.P.

Also, I like how jerks who bought their 25 Dollar Hiss Driver, are getting dinged with shipping even if they got it at the goddamn convention. Guess that's what you get for supporting terrorisim