A while back Dr. Henry E. Miller criticized Cobra's vehicles like the shitter shitello, and since I doubt anyone cares about the "PIN THE BLAME ON TOM JACKS BECAUSE HE'S UNFIRABLE" legal drama plans, I'll yell at terrible G.I. Joe vehicles:
1983 PAC/RATS: Hell yeah robots man! you've got the missle launcher that would be empty in a minute, the machine gun that's got more firepower than every arctic vehicle prior to 1988, and the flame throw, because nothing says defend freedom and liberty like a robot that goes and sets people different from you on fire.
1984 S.H.A.R.C. fuck this ugly thing, it defies common sense, it's retarded and the only thing worse than this is it's driver.
1985:Silver Mirage man what the hell, it's like some old timey WWII nazi motorbike with the sidecar, and that dumbass backsheild thing aren't going to save you from the fact it's a goddamn death trap. Now i'm not a guy who does the following: Ride motorcycles, Fight a war so some old dude can get rich off my young blood, or enjoy the musical stylings of one Phil Collins, but I'm pretty sure if your on a motorbike firing a goddamn missle off it could probably cause a problem.
Snowcat: Cool an oddly shaped, useless arctic vehicle. Couldn't a gun atleast be sculpted on? Honestly after those 4 missles and 2 Ski PEDOS are fired the damn thing is useless "LOOK OUT COBRA WE'LL GET YOU WITH OUR WINDSHIELD WIPER"
Forward Observer: Fuck that tent.
1986:LCV recon sled. Yeah I totally want to drive on some weird ass thing where I have to lie on my el stomacho and look through a periscope.
Outpost Defender: Hell yeah what looks to be sheet metal, drift wood and a pile of sandbags, I didn't think the joes had THAT many hillbillies
1987 Coastal Defender: Hell yeah a shed on a trailer bed, those hillbillies sure were popular in the late 80s
Defiant: Yes those terrorists on the moon sure are gonna take us out!
Battle Force 2000's stuff, man fuck this garbage.
I could go on and on but basically it's just worse from here on out
Showing posts with label I knew a man Bojangles. Show all posts
Showing posts with label I knew a man Bojangles. Show all posts
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Master Collector doesn't reply to my email
Some how I wound up on the mastercollector mailing list. So instead of being polite and requesting off I trolled those guys, too bad they didn't reply, anyways here it is: SIR OR MADAMN YOU SEEM TO HAVE GOTTEN THIS JOHNNY TURK CONFUSED WITH ANOTHER. IT IS VERY COMMON NAME, SEE. THIS E-MAIL IS USED TOO DISCUSS HARDCORE PUNK ROCK MUSIKS WITH MEN, I DO NOT WISH TO RECEIVE YOUR CONSUMER FACIST PROPAGANDA, YA SEE THIS IS NOT WHAT I SIGNED UP FOR AS I DID NOT SIGN UP. I DID CHECK YOUR WEBSIGHT AND IT IS A HARD NAVIGATION, I WOULD POST THIS ON YOUR BBS HOWEVER I (A TECHNOLOGY MAN) COULD NOT FIGURE IT OUT. THIS IS NOT CHILDREN IN HEAT MAN.Cellophane sex, a new way of life
With your heart in your throat
And the other alive
You've been pissin', pissin' blood
Pissin' blood for seven days. GLENN DANZIG IS VERY TALENTED SING. DO YOU LIKE HIM, I LIKE HIM MUCH MORE THAN JERU. HOW ABOUT DEAD KENNEDYS (NO THE)
Master collector if you read this (Please do, we totally meant every negative comment, and all that praise we didn't write but felt because your getting like 3 wendy's checks)
With your heart in your throat
And the other alive
You've been pissin', pissin' blood
Pissin' blood for seven days. GLENN DANZIG IS VERY TALENTED SING. DO YOU LIKE HIM, I LIKE HIM MUCH MORE THAN JERU. HOW ABOUT DEAD KENNEDYS (NO THE)
Master collector if you read this (Please do, we totally meant every negative comment, and all that praise we didn't write but felt because your getting like 3 wendy's checks)
Thursday, May 15, 2008
The Dreadnoks as the Misfits
Me and the fine Doctor know a lot about punk rock, that's why we don't go "There is a huge difference between the "punk look" of the 80's and the "punk look" these days" when we talk about fucking Monkeywrench. But hey we're not like most joe fans, we aren't crazy ass republicans and/or emotionally stunted man children who wind up falling back to toys because girls don't understand them or they married the first woman to give them a handjob. But hey what the fuck I'll tell you 1 guy about how the Dreadnoks could be construed as chariactures of the Misfits, a Horrocore punk band that was pretty bad, is merchandised to hell and back and has spawned a good band that has an Italian.
Glenn Danzig, he would be Zartan, they both don't wear shirts, and are a lot lamer than people think
Bobby Steele (gimpy leg an all) would be Thrasher. They have the same hair and both have a cane
Jerry Only would be Zanzibar: they both suck and have horrible hair
Buzzer would be Arthur Googy: The goog fought with Danzig over cheeseburgers, I could see that hapening with Buzzer and Zartan.
I'll do the other guys at a later date, because hey fuck you I don't want to write about homosexuals and people from New Jersey all that much
Glenn Danzig, he would be Zartan, they both don't wear shirts, and are a lot lamer than people think
Bobby Steele (gimpy leg an all) would be Thrasher. They have the same hair and both have a cane
Jerry Only would be Zanzibar: they both suck and have horrible hair
Buzzer would be Arthur Googy: The goog fought with Danzig over cheeseburgers, I could see that hapening with Buzzer and Zartan.
I'll do the other guys at a later date, because hey fuck you I don't want to write about homosexuals and people from New Jersey all that much
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Foreign Figures: The Good, The Bad, The Mispronounced
Today I look at something that either pisses off collectors or dominates them, Foreign Joes, enjoy:
First up on the chopping block is "Abrute Negro" or Black Vulture, this figure looks decent, even though he's like 65% Dee Jay (AKA Space Gigolo 8000). The big problem is that when becoming a honky he also began looking fat. As a character he seems okay but I'm guessing he's some sort of paratrooper because motherfuck learning Portuguese.
I have a problem with the Black Vulture, as 90% of jerks who talk about him refer to him as "Abrute Negro" now I always hear it coming out of their mouths like so many cheeto crumbs as "A Brute Negro" and it bothers the hell out of me. The only other thing about him that is cumbersome is the number of custom figures of him of which 90% are part for part recreations (HAY I GET THIS, NERDS ARE CHEAP) or the occasional Conquistador because you know, Brazil is always the first thing I think of when I think of Spaniards coming and killing the natives of lands they find (for those of you who are slow witted, I'm being sarcastic. Brazil is Portuguese and I think of the Neil Young song Cortez the Killer)
The next one we'll look at is COBRA DE ACO; here's a guy who I think is pretty rad in character context, figure wise he's a neat looking but rather useless figure. Now I could talk about horrible customs or how R@RE AND EXPEN$IVE he is, but that shit is old hat, I'm gonna talk about how I always think of the greatest G.I.Joe board troll in history when I think of this figure.
Mike Fountain was a guy who was the BADDEST MAN ON EBAY. He spent a lot of money on Foreign Figures (like 500 bucks on a Ninja Ku). Fountain was best known for harassing Corey Stintson through e-mail over e-bay auctions and then going on the USENET board with his pal TONYMONTANA (who this modern day hero was we will never know, could have been Mike himself the e-mail addresses are mad similar) and harassing other dudes and coining the greatest name for Stintson in history "Corey Chump Stintson" the Google groups were also a dumping ground for his eBay auctions too. Mike had an ego too, such an ego that he had his own website. Straight out of 1998 with a gaudy background image, a bunch of random pictures and yellow text telling us how he's a warrior. A Warrior on the battlefield of internet auctions. Mike Fountain disappeared around 2000. I figure it's because he got signed by Ottawa, no one likes Ottawa. Rumors persist (between me, and Henry Miller) that he was the original Stiches, but that's probably a cop out answer as we all know that Stiches was the Mexican guy who lives with Tom Jacks, Esq.
The final ones I'll do today are Satan and Ninja Ku the South American Ninjas we all wish we have. I like these guys because it shows me that the Argentineans were awesome and not afraid of offending jerks and crucifucks when they weren't too busy making people disappear and killing communists and trade unionists with CIA money. Satan was rad because he shot arrows that turned into lasers and had a cool name (Whoa Danzig could have wrote a song about him man) and Ninja Ku was a black man about 20 years before Hasbro realized "HAY MAYBE WE SHOULD DIVERSIFY COBRA THEY'RE STARTING TO LOOK LIKE THE KLAN" which makes him cool in my books, he also had Nunchucks which is a sign of a good figure well, if you count any figure other than Storm Shadow v1 a good figure. Too bad jerks try to give Satan a lame PC Yellow fever name of "Sei Tin" which is goofy and the dudes who make Ninja Ku customs seem to forget he's got black skin and isn't another white guy.
On that note, it is the end. Remember if you don't want to look like an asshole say the english version of their Portuguese names, and when you do a custom do a decent one that's got some artistic license not a copy of something designed for children in Brazil.
First up on the chopping block is "Abrute Negro" or Black Vulture, this figure looks decent, even though he's like 65% Dee Jay (AKA Space Gigolo 8000). The big problem is that when becoming a honky he also began looking fat. As a character he seems okay but I'm guessing he's some sort of paratrooper because motherfuck learning Portuguese.
I have a problem with the Black Vulture, as 90% of jerks who talk about him refer to him as "Abrute Negro" now I always hear it coming out of their mouths like so many cheeto crumbs as "A Brute Negro" and it bothers the hell out of me. The only other thing about him that is cumbersome is the number of custom figures of him of which 90% are part for part recreations (HAY I GET THIS, NERDS ARE CHEAP) or the occasional Conquistador because you know, Brazil is always the first thing I think of when I think of Spaniards coming and killing the natives of lands they find (for those of you who are slow witted, I'm being sarcastic. Brazil is Portuguese and I think of the Neil Young song Cortez the Killer)
The next one we'll look at is COBRA DE ACO; here's a guy who I think is pretty rad in character context, figure wise he's a neat looking but rather useless figure. Now I could talk about horrible customs or how R@RE AND EXPEN$IVE he is, but that shit is old hat, I'm gonna talk about how I always think of the greatest G.I.Joe board troll in history when I think of this figure.
Mike Fountain was a guy who was the BADDEST MAN ON EBAY. He spent a lot of money on Foreign Figures (like 500 bucks on a Ninja Ku). Fountain was best known for harassing Corey Stintson through e-mail over e-bay auctions and then going on the USENET board with his pal TONYMONTANA (who this modern day hero was we will never know, could have been Mike himself the e-mail addresses are mad similar) and harassing other dudes and coining the greatest name for Stintson in history "Corey Chump Stintson" the Google groups were also a dumping ground for his eBay auctions too. Mike had an ego too, such an ego that he had his own website. Straight out of 1998 with a gaudy background image, a bunch of random pictures and yellow text telling us how he's a warrior. A Warrior on the battlefield of internet auctions. Mike Fountain disappeared around 2000. I figure it's because he got signed by Ottawa, no one likes Ottawa. Rumors persist (between me, and Henry Miller) that he was the original Stiches, but that's probably a cop out answer as we all know that Stiches was the Mexican guy who lives with Tom Jacks, Esq.
The final ones I'll do today are Satan and Ninja Ku the South American Ninjas we all wish we have. I like these guys because it shows me that the Argentineans were awesome and not afraid of offending jerks and crucifucks when they weren't too busy making people disappear and killing communists and trade unionists with CIA money. Satan was rad because he shot arrows that turned into lasers and had a cool name (Whoa Danzig could have wrote a song about him man) and Ninja Ku was a black man about 20 years before Hasbro realized "HAY MAYBE WE SHOULD DIVERSIFY COBRA THEY'RE STARTING TO LOOK LIKE THE KLAN" which makes him cool in my books, he also had Nunchucks which is a sign of a good figure well, if you count any figure other than Storm Shadow v1 a good figure. Too bad jerks try to give Satan a lame PC Yellow fever name of "Sei Tin" which is goofy and the dudes who make Ninja Ku customs seem to forget he's got black skin and isn't another white guy.
On that note, it is the end. Remember if you don't want to look like an asshole say the english version of their Portuguese names, and when you do a custom do a decent one that's got some artistic license not a copy of something designed for children in Brazil.
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