Really bad G.I. Joe vehicles!

A while back Dr. Henry E. Miller criticized Cobra's vehicles like the shitter shitello, and since I doubt anyone cares about the "PIN THE BLAME ON TOM JACKS BECAUSE HE'S UNFIRABLE" legal drama plans, I'll yell at terrible G.I. Joe vehicles:

1983 PAC/RATS: Hell yeah robots man! you've got the missle launcher that would be empty in a minute, the machine gun that's got more firepower than every arctic vehicle prior to 1988, and the flame throw, because nothing says defend freedom and liberty like a robot that goes and sets people different from you on fire.

1984 S.H.A.R.C. fuck this ugly thing, it defies common sense, it's retarded and the only thing worse than this is it's driver.

1985:Silver Mirage man what the hell, it's like some old timey WWII nazi motorbike with the sidecar, and that dumbass backsheild thing aren't going to save you from the fact it's a goddamn death trap. Now i'm not a guy who does the following: Ride motorcycles, Fight a war so some old dude can get rich off my young blood, or enjoy the musical stylings of one Phil Collins, but I'm pretty sure if your on a motorbike firing a goddamn missle off it could probably cause a problem.

Snowcat: Cool an oddly shaped, useless arctic vehicle. Couldn't a gun atleast be sculpted on? Honestly after those 4 missles and 2 Ski PEDOS are fired the damn thing is useless "LOOK OUT COBRA WE'LL GET YOU WITH OUR WINDSHIELD WIPER"

Forward Observer: Fuck that tent.

1986:LCV recon sled. Yeah I totally want to drive on some weird ass thing where I have to lie on my el stomacho and look through a periscope.

Outpost Defender: Hell yeah what looks to be sheet metal, drift wood and a pile of sandbags, I didn't think the joes had THAT many hillbillies

1987 Coastal Defender: Hell yeah a shed on a trailer bed, those hillbillies sure were popular in the late 80s

Defiant: Yes those terrorists on the moon sure are gonna take us out!

Battle Force 2000's stuff, man fuck this garbage.

I could go on and on but basically it's just worse from here on out

Exclusive! Leaked pages from the GI Joe Live Action Script!

Since we're kool guyz like Sgt Savage and Eagle Eye Joe we have contacts at Hasbro that leak us EXCLUSIVE INFORMATION and one of our FRIENDS IN HIGH PLACES leaked us a few pages from the upcoming GI Joe Live Action Movie!

Smash The State is on the cutting edge!

Here it is, from a script titled "GI JOE VS LIBERAL BUDGET CUTS (EARLY WORKING TITLE)"

The first scene is from the ORIGIN OF SNAKE EYES portion of the movie:

IN THE SCHOOL YARD IS WEAR ALL THE KIDS MEET IN THERE GRADES AREA. SNAKE EYES SEES A ALL THE KIDS KILLING A BIRD. SNAKE EYES HEAR THE BIRDS CRIES . IT IS SCREAMING FOR HELP. THE BELL RINGS. ALL THE KIDS ARE LINING UP GOING IN THE SCHOOL.SNAKE EYES WALKS UP TO SEE THE BIRD ON THE FLORE. HE LOOKS AT IT. THEN HE PICKS IT UP AND PETS IT. THE WORLD IS SPINNING AROUND ALL IN THE BACK GROUND IS OUT OF FOCUS.THEN THE BIRDS WINGS FLAP. IN THE CLASS ALL THE KIDS ARE WHISPERING DID HE BRING BACK THE BIRD.KEAVEN LOOKS AT SNAKE EYES. WITH EVIL INTENSION. AT THE SCHOOL YARD. KEAVEN WALKS BUT TO SNAKE EYES.GABRIEL SMILES AT KEAVEN.

GABRIEL:

HOW CAN I HELP YOU ?

KEAVEN:

I WANT YOU DEAD.

SNAKE EYES:

WELL I DON'T TO DIE. SO I GUESS I CAN NOT HELP..

KEAVEN:

YOU AND ME TONIGHT. HEAR AT 8.

SNAKE EYES:

IT IS DARK AT THAT TIME. I CAN'T GO OUT THAT.

KEAVEN:

YOU BETTER.

SNAKE EYES:

OK.

FIGHT WITH KEAVEN IT IS DARK AT THE SCHOOL YARD. THE SUN SETTING. THE BRICK SCHOOL GLOWING BRIGHT RED. WITH THE GROUND BLACK. THERE IS KEAVEN WALKING FROM THE SOUTH AND SNAKE EYES FROM THE NORTH. THEY STOP AND LOOK AT EACH OTHER.

SNAKE EYES:

I REALLY DON'T WANT TO FIGHT.

KEAVEN:

YOU SCARED? YOU SHOULD BE, I TAKE ON 5TH GRADERS ALL THE TIME.

SNAKE EYES:

NO I AM NOT SCARED, BUT YOU ARE.

KEAVEN THROWS A PUNCH ON SNAKE EYES.(Frisbee SHOT OF KEAVENS HAND GOING AT SNAKE EYES. THEN SNAKE EYES FLIES BACK TEN FEET.LONG ANGEL SLOW motion. SEEING HIM FACE UP DEAD CENTER IN THE FRAME WHILE THE BACK IS SHOOTING THE GAVEL. SNAKE EYES MOVING HIS ARMS. THEN HITS THE SIDE THE WALL.GOES TO NORMAL MOTION. WHEN HE FALLS DOWN. HIT THE GROUND HARD IN ONE SOLID SHOT. GABRIEL GETS UP BUT NEEDS TO USE THE WALL FOR SUPPORT. KEAVEN STARTS FOR A RUN. GABRIEL LOOKS AT KEAVEN THEN LOOKS AT THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WALL. LOOKS AT KEAVEN AGAIN THINKS HE IS PICKING HIM UP. KEAVEN IS OPEN IN THE AIR. GABRIEL MENTALLY THROWS KEAVEN INTO THE WALL FAST.KEAVEN IS IN MASSIVE PAIN. (SOUNDS OF HIS BONES CRACK.) KEAVEN SHATTERED IN PAIN. SCREAMING IN PURE AGONY.GABRIEL GETS UP AND LOOKS ONLY ONCE AT WHAT HE HAS DONE.THEN WALKS AWAY.

SNAKE EYES WALKS IN TO A NEW SCHOOL THIS TIME IT IS BEEN 5 YEARS SINCE LAST SCENE. SNAKE EYES HAS THE SAME OLD LOOK. HE WALKS UP AND SEES ALL THE KIDS COMING IN TO THIS SUMMER CAMP. HE FEW GROUPS OF BOYS HANGING OUT.TWO GIRLS ON THE BLEACHERS TALK ALL ALONE FROM THE REST. SEES A BOY THAT IS A LONER. SNAKE EYES WALKS UP TO HIM.

SNAKE EYES:

I FEEL LIKE THIS PLACE IS CHAOS.

BIG LOBB:

THIS IS THE WORST THEY HAD IT. I THINK THIS CAN BE A TOUGH SUMMER.

SNAKE EYES:

DON'T WORRY.. I GOT YOUR BACK. THERE NOT WHAT I FEAR.

BIG LOBB:

HOW DO YOU KNOW?

SNAKE EYES

I'M A GUY WHO KNOWS THINGS.

BIG LOBB:

THEN WHAT DO YOU GOT TO FEAR? (DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT )

Man this movie looks like it could be the biggest summer blockbuster of all time!

DIO STORIEZ PART 2: THRU THE EEEEYES OF DA ENNEMY

A while back I made post scrutinizing dio stories, and I'm back to do it some more. Now I've already mentioned "Bad photography" "Refrences to Jesus" and probably other things but I'm not going back to read it so if I cover something twice, it's because I can.

-Bad posing and sets. Nothing can ruin your dio story about The G.I.Joe team liberating the south from the terrorists than it taking place on your dirty kitchen floor with a goddamn case of Mello Yello in the background. Or maybe the setting is the HQ (with mysterious brown stains) however I don't want to see your goddamn kitchen table in the background with 11 1993 Battle Corps neon guys just lying there while the guys in the HQ look like they're those jerks who bend their elbows but never move their arms away from their torso.

Also, I guess I wouldn't want to see a Dio Story about liberating the south anyways so maybe the kitchen table doesn't matter much.

-Random outfit changes and character introductions. Oh hey Stalker is wearing his 1997 get up this is pretty cool, 8 scenes later he's wearing a black shirt and a neon green jacket and has grown a goatee, now I'm no doctor but that doesn't make a lot of sense. Also when your reading it and suddenly some other jerk is now in the squad that is fighting COBRA COMMAND in the jungles of south america that ya know happens to be trees after the leaves changed and fell and pine trees is really fucking stupid. Honestly if you can't keep the attention of someone who sought out this thing because you have a similar hobby then you must've gotten an F in creative writing.

G.I.Joe as a Lifetime movie

Dr. Henry, your fine article made me think "Gee I'm glad I'm not an idiot" but it also made me think the collectors club is like one of those abusive boyfriends, so they'll abuse the nerds for like 6 years until one day some loser dressed like this:



A mix of Cobra Commander and the motherfucking Zodiac Killer decides to shoot the club in the back while it's asleep on the couch. Now I'm not sure if that's a metaphor or if someone's gonna actually shoot dudes in the back I don't got the E.S.P.

Also, I like how jerks who bought their 25 Dollar Hiss Driver, are getting dinged with shipping even if they got it at the goddamn convention. Guess that's what you get for supporting terrorisim