Toys R Us 6 Packs

For a while, the only way to get a decent new G.I.Joe was through the Toys R Us 6 packs, since the regular figures were body building monkey armed pinheaded macho types, with problems far greater than "GODDAMN THIS ANNHILATOR IS COOL BUT PUMPKIN ORANGE, WEAK MAN" so I'm going to criticize these 6 packs for fun some were good but did they sustain popularity? (no)


Tiger Force: First off all this set wasn't even a fucking six pack but I can't think of another mold I would want to see painted orange and blue. The 88 Tiger Force were okay figures some were bad like Lifeline and Bazooka. While others like Flint and Duke and Roadblock and Recondo were really cool. Then in the 90s Europe got 6 really ugly motherfuckers, the most useful one is Outback and he looks like Santa goddamn claus, so in 2003 when they decided to make them they used the Euro scheme. Gee thanks Hasbro.

Python Patrol: In 89 they had a really goofy idea of "let's repaint the old figures and make money!" and then decided to use 3 different colorschemes, and made the trooper unable to hold his gun, I've got five and can't get a goddamn gun in their hands fuck those guys. So in 2003 they redid them but this time instead of using cool figures like Cobra Officer and Strato Viper they used fucking Laser Viper and SAW viper and gave them a maroon and black scheme and a ton of Gold paint. They looked like prostitutes or drag queens or something

I can't remember which came next so I'm claiming it's the one with Mutt. This set was probably the best Joe set even though it had weird Steel Brigade helmets, But hey it gave the fans what they wanted, useless obscure characters who no one actually uses.

Cobra Infantry 6 Pack: This was an amazing set it featured at least one brand new part, it had everything people liked, vintage looking figures, cool colors, army builders and only army builders no Major Bludd, Destro, Jesus, Metal Head, Dreadnoks, Storm Shadow, Major Altitude or Firefly. Although the weapons sucked they were still better than some of the 2 pack figures.

Night Force: Hey let's use Funskool molds also let's give them ridiculously busy uniforms and take Tracker out and put in the British guy, but that British guy just happens to be G.I. Joe but hey what the fuck people don't care about Tracker. Also ROADBLOCK LOOKS SPOOKED

Ninja 6 pack: Hey let's pack two awesome red ninjas, a decent black ninja and a cool Storm Shadow with two AWFUL female figures with ugly ass wall paper patterns on them, because painted details work well on a figures compared to molded details on the ones in the same damn set. Also what the fuck kind of ninja weapon is a Duffel bag?

Desert Team!: Ugh, you get a lowlight made from two figures, you've got awful detailing, and terrible figures, like Dusty with a stretcher head who looks like he's got a neck brace. Or Stalker with no Mustache and random silver rings on his shoulders, also another Tunnel Rat

Uh I dunno what came next so I'll mix three Cobra profiles into one! The Crimson guard sets: 2 were the same but with a different leader Tomax or Xamot, but the CG's still sucked with their awful REMOVABLE HELMET heads that looked like a bad custom by some dude with a screen name like "COBRARATHOVERCRAFTFIREFLYZARTAN1993" "Jasongijoe" or something else stupid. Also there was one where it was 6 CG's in black (yeah, real fuckin' crimson) and Ninja weapons, seriously what the fuck?

Arctic Team: Hell yeah that guy from Battle Force 2000, in 2006. Hell yeah another Snake Eyes, and Stalker, hell yeah Lowlight's Sniper and bi-pod in the same color it was in 86, what the fuck? why is Mirage clear! hell yeah the Snowjob mold as some other guy again!, .hell yeah that guy from 1988 who was an arctic guy as Short Fuse!

Urban Division: Ugh Ninja Force Storm Shadow, ugh Firefly again, hey Scrap Iron!. For some reason this set had a ton of characters and a ton of different color schemes, atleast the Flak Viper didn't suck.

Imperial Procession: Ugly

Greenshirts: More like greenshit

Night Watch: Very disapointing would have been better if they didn't be lazy and used the 04 Trooper mold.

Yeah, looking back those 6 packs were hella goofy but some good figures came out of it.

Lets go crazy, lets go nuts, lets put on a purple bananna till our glider snaps in two!

Yes, thats a Prince reference, no It doesn't make any sense.


For every Stinger, Rattler and HISS Cobra had there was some vehicles that were well, useless. From the absurd to the impractical, lets take a look:


The Viper Glider:

Made out of the same material as a knock-off Dixie cup (Yes, they do exist) this thing came out of the box snapped in two, or exploded on contact with a particle of dust, also why the hell would cobra need gliders? They have tanks, guys with metal masks, a dude with an awesome last name and a leader who wielded a hairdryer as a weapon. The "Viper-pilot" was the original rare figure in the Joe line, and I'm happy to say mine was butchered into a custom at an early age. The joes also had one, and it was the same useless hunk of junk as the Cobra one, also it came with a tan Grunt. Who can be found with broken arms and cracked torsos thanks to all the times the glider caught a downwind and smacked into the driveway. Whoever the guy is who thought this would be a good idea is a jerk.

The Cobra Stellar Stilletto.

More like the Shitter Shitello. Okay, lemme break it down for you here, Cobra has no business in space, GI Joe has no business in space. There was nothing "Stellar" about a giant red spear shaped thing that I can't use realistically with the rest of my planes. It did have a pretty good driver though.

Cobra Battle Barge:

What happens if it gets caught on some reeds or something? This thing has no motor, just 3 guns
and a device to get HBO on illegally. I like how the boxart depicts 3 of the lamest figures ever made driving it. I guess Cobra could use this thing to fish off of.


Cobra Battle Field Robot Hovercraft:

Its a goddamned mattress with some guns! It also has the atypical cobra armament of "Lots of red missiles"

Destros Dominator:

It's a tank, that becomes a helicopter! HOW COOL! Too bad it can't hold it self up and is held together and doesn't make sense as a tank or a helicopter.

Cobra STUN:

Two guns that are way too big

Johnny Turk reviews the 25th:

As a roadie for E.L.O. I have a lot of disposable income and a lot of free time since those niggas haven't toured in like 30 years or something. Anyways I'm reviewing the 25th jerks I own:

Storm Shadow: Nigga what kinda of ninja dresses up as little red riding hood. 1/10

Red Ninja: Man what's with the ginormus fireplace poker? 4/5

Hawk: Hell yeah forgettable figure from 82, what the fuck is with the gloves? B-

Stalker: Hell yeah black guy with a mustache and a knife (you see one Willie Horton you've seen them all) this guy is good except that he should check out the skin on his hands, motherfucking wrinkly The Subhumans (9/10)

Cobra/Cobra Officer/Cobra AIR TROOPER: Not bad better than the fucking Neo Viper

Cobra Commander: Atleast his back isn't flat this time 6/10

Flash: Dude your ugly but better than Sci Fi

Grand Slam: Dude, why the fuck did they make you? 0/0

Dio stories part 1

If taking pictures of childrens toys is considered normal, you still probably can't justify taking pictures and then making a story about them. Dio stories are one way to get some neckbeards as friends because they want to know what happens when your darling character (usually an obscure jerk people don't like, like I dunno Countdown) gets his time in the sun. Here's a list of of some things that make them bad:

1. Awful photography. Gee it's blurry, or your pictures are all overexposed use lights or take photos when there isn't cloud cover jesus christ.

2. Awful sets. Hey guys I live in the northeast, my background in October is gonna make an awesome South America right? And don't forget the great TALL GRASS shots. The Tall Grass is such a common battlefield it's annoying. The only thing worse is the fucking sandbox of doom, nothing sez AMERICAN INGENUITY like a bunch of buildings with no roofs or back walls in the desert while fighting the TERRORISTS. Or the homemade ones, because foamcore looks like walls and tables are made out of a circle and a spool of thread.

3. Awful dialogue. You know I'm sure all the TERRERISTS the US fights use all the standard Military lingo, "COME ON EEL 45 WE GOTTA MEET THE GROUND POUNDERS 45 KLICKS TO THE WEST" And then use your friends last names to sound edgy "EEL 45 WHATS THE MATTER. EEL 45 COME IN. ARE YOU OKAY YAMADA-GARZA?" And if you want to differentiate, throw in allusions to god, and no one curses. Not drug dealers, not guys who just saw there best friends face turn into a pile of goo and not terrorists.

I've got way more gripes but this is enough for now, I'm sure all 4 of you stopped reading after the word "if'. I'll probably criticize that one fat guy next.

LOOK OUT THERE'S DRUG DEALERS!

Looks like this year's convention is gonna be about drug dealers, why can't they do something G.I.Joe fans actually deal with like COBRA attacks church with the powers of common sense, or Cobra attacks the republican national convention so that people can get health care and not get drafted, Joe fans would want to stop terrorism then!

Here's a pic of the first ugly figure:

Now all the drug dealers I've met haven't been white dudes with bad hair or skull belt buckles, also they didn't have poorly photoshopped shadows.

Also are the spears in the skull supposed to feed the scared white person's fear of dem dere spearchuckers

Why I never go into Toys R Us anymore.

From The Desk Of The Esteemed Doctor Henry Edward Miller:

A few years ago, when I accually cared about GI Joe action figures and bought them in a public place, I was in Toys R Us in Riverhead NY looking at the action figure section flipping through that "HEAVY WEAPONS ASSAULT TEAM" 5-pack that was crowding the shelfs with his gayness, when I was approached from behind by something that cast a long shadow under the bright florescent lights of the store, I knew right away that I was dealing with either a large child, a large adult, either way I could smell the social ineptness.

A voice called out from behind:

"Oh do you like GI Joes too?"

So I stupidly respond:

"Yeah, I've been collecting them since the 80's.."

"OH MAN I THOUGHT I'D NEVER MEET ANOTHER JOE FAN IN PERSON"

I put that in capitals because this thing was yelling, yes, YELLING this, people in other sections in the store could hear the excited bellowing of this guy. I turned around to see his face. What appeared over my shoulder was something that could not have been less then 450 pounds, something that could not have been wearing a shirt larger then "Medium" and something that looked like he hasn't seen what a shower looks like since Reagan got shot. He must've been at least 25-28 years old, and was visibly excited that he had finally found someone who shared the same interests as him in real life.

"DO YOU LIKE THE NEW SCULPTS?"

Still yelling, loud enough that people over in the RC car isle were probably taking interest. I didn't respond for a few seconds..

"DO YOU LIKE THE NEW POST 2002 WAVE 2 NEW SCULPTS, I DO, I THINK WAVE 3 BEACHHEAD IS JUST SWELL"

I needed to escape, I tried to make a deke to the left to get around this mountain of ranch sauce, he stepped closer, I began to grow scared, I took another look at him, he was wearing a TOOL (fat music for fat people) shirt that as I mentioned before, was at least six sizes too small, and had a tattoo of a dragon on his arm/elbow/hand combo. I tried to move away from the isle, and he followed me, I moved faster, and he tried to keep up, all the while yelling:

"DO YOU WANT TO EXCHANGE E-MAIL ADDRESSES?"

And:

"MY FAVORITE COBRA IS ZARTAN!"

I knew I had an advantage, I could out run this fatty, but somehow his desire to make me into his new best friend had completely override the fact he hasn't moved above the speed of new coupon day at Carl Jr's since the early 90's. I had to get to my car, the car is my only hope, someone this socially retarded doesn't own a car, and the bus only runs every half hour.

I went out the exit with him in hot pursuit, he continued to yell stuff like "DO YOU HAVE THE AGENT FACES MAIL IN FIGURE?" "ARE YOU A MEMBER OF THE PITT MAILING LIST???" all across the parking lot!

I got into my car, and started up the motor, I put the Ronnie Wood Thunder Express Tribute Machine into gear and got out of there as fast as goddamned possible, I did 80 mph all the way out to county road 51. Then it hit me, I had my cell phone out of my pocket back when I was browsing the figures on the rack, and somewhere during that time, I had placed it down, and in the rush to escape from the joelatious blob I forgot it.

The phone had a few business numbers in it that I couldn't lose, so I made a choice to go back, like Raoul Duke driving back to Vegas in the 2nd half of Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas I had to go back and face the paranoia once more.

I pulled into the parking lot that I had sped out of only a few scant moments before, I parked as close to the front entrance as I could. Walking into the store was what my father must've felt walking into the jungles of Vietnam, the enemy could be anywhere, it could be anyone. He could be lurking behind any Polly Pocket display waiting to strike. I gingerly made my way back to the section where my phone was left, I could see it from 20 feet away, it's scuffed sliver finish glistening in the light. No sign of him, was I home free? Did he get on the bus and go back to where he came? I picked up the phone and put it into the pocket of my jeans, I breathed a sign of relief, I might be safe.

I have a habit of thinking too fast. Because from behind I heard...

"OH YOUR BACK!!!!"

Oh fuck.

"HEY MAN DO YOU HAVE A AOL INSTANT MESSAGER NAME?!?"

FUCK

"DO YOU LIKE THE BAND LINKIN PARK? THERE MY FAVORITE WHEN I MAKE CUSTOMS I LISTEN TO THEM TO GET ME READY"

No, no, what did I do to deserve this? I've never broken any laws, okay, got me there, but I never hurt anyone else, what did I do, what horrible fate have I chosen for myself!

He fat-jogged towards me, arms out like he was ready to hug me, but right before he got within arms reach, a voice called out like the gun of Jeanies father and stopped him dead in his tracks.

"Walter, WALTER GET OVER HERE"

"Awww C'monnn Mommmm"

"GET OVER HERE RIGHT NOW OR NO TV FOR YOU TONIGHT"

"Aawwwwwwww MOOOOOM!"

I stood there in stunned silence as this woman came over and grabbed "Walter" and dragged him out of sight, the whole time he protested and whined, I saw this scene play itself out all the way to the exit. I was free, I was safe, this grown mans possessive mother saved me from certain doom.

I collected myself and made my way to the exit. When I got back into my car I made a pact with myself that I would never admit to collecting toys ever again in a public place, or go into Toys R Us ever again. Because somewhere, lurking amongst the bonds that held me to my youth was a army of socially retarded Walters ready to ask me for my E-mail and what my favorite Eco-Warrior was.

I could never look at that store the same way ever again.