A dude who takes his Action Figure costumes really seriously: Headhunter Stormtrooper: I've never been a big fan of this helmet.
The largest reason is I see no where for the wearer's chin to go, since the helmet slopes back where the chin should be
A dude who obviously doesn't know Joe fans very well: I just don't see why the only comeback to someone who doesn't like Marlon Wayans as Ripcord is that they're a racist. Is this some major victory for the civil rights movement! "YES! Martin Luther King Jr's dream has been realized. We've made Ripcord black!". Or maybe it could just be about the few kids who got a Ripcord toy when they were young and thought he was the bee's knees. Maybe the same people who hate the black costumes and Duke's goofy facial hair also wanted a more traditional Ripcord? Nah... It's gotta be racism. It's always racism.
Some guy who doesn't read Smash The State or the google newsgroup: Who is Mike Fountain?
This guy has learned that 90% of joe fans are like Tom Jacks: It seems like everyone else has these awesome, thorough branches of Wikipedia and the Joepedia is completely useless.
IT'S A SERIOUS HOBBY YOU GUYS I SPEND LOTS OF MONEY ON IT: And C*******... you don't deserve to call yourself a GI Joe fan. Suck it up pal. Life's rough. Get a helmet.
A dude who much perfers the guiding red lasers of Jesus and America: They killed off that many characters? Man this is why the cartoons are better.......`
Some guy with overrated taste in figures and music: Spirit looks like Johhy Cash
A bunch of comments on the Vincent Li and Tim McLean Beheading incident:
Huh. dude must have found out the other guy was a card bender and decided to fix the problem lol.
I have always felt safe in Canada for some reason. I guess it goes to show, your not really safe any where.
well, in the guys defense, the other guy should have left at least 1 bat on the peg.
Our number 1 target who's almost 50 and buys kids toys on television warnings: So I was watching some TV tonight, and a storm started to blow through, and as sometimes happens, the show I was watching was interrupted by a ribbon running across the screen, and a brief audio announcement about the storm, via the National Weather Service.
Okay, fine and well. But part of the announcement states, "This advisory is in effect for the next 40 minutes..."
Except the individual reading the announcement pronounced "minutes" as if it were "min-yoo-etts".
How in the hell can someone even get a job with the National Weather Service without knowing how to pronounce as basic a word as "minutes"?!???!
And THESE are the people keeping track of dangerous weather patterns on our behalf?
That just FILLS me with confidence...!
And this weeks AWESOME STUFF SAID BY A COOL DUDE is:Wow judging from the pole results, GI.Joe is a very serious subject, not to be taken lightly.
Showing posts with label leave the lights on i forgot where the fuck this one is. Show all posts
Showing posts with label leave the lights on i forgot where the fuck this one is. Show all posts
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Hey fuck you
Well it's been one year and me and Dr. Henry E. Miller (Who is going to fight Eric Blume in the opening round of a gay rodeo in Utah soon) have continuously half assed thinly veiled threats towards people like Thomas Wheeler, Mike Fountain, and the roman catholic church on a semi regularly basis. So thank you, you three people who have read this, your almost as big a hero as the Doctor.
Also Tom Jacks Esquire is a useless guy and I'd fire him if I knew how to.
Peace out!
Also Tom Jacks Esquire is a useless guy and I'd fire him if I knew how to.
Peace out!
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Lets go crazy, lets go nuts, lets put on a purple bananna till our glider snaps in two!
Yes, thats a Prince reference, no It doesn't make any sense.
For every Stinger, Rattler and HISS Cobra had there was some vehicles that were well, useless. From the absurd to the impractical, lets take a look:
The Viper Glider:
Made out of the same material as a knock-off Dixie cup (Yes, they do exist) this thing came out of the box snapped in two, or exploded on contact with a particle of dust, also why the hell would cobra need gliders? They have tanks, guys with metal masks, a dude with an awesome last name and a leader who wielded a hairdryer as a weapon. The "Viper-pilot" was the original rare figure in the Joe line, and I'm happy to say mine was butchered into a custom at an early age. The joes also had one, and it was the same useless hunk of junk as the Cobra one, also it came with a tan Grunt. Who can be found with broken arms and cracked torsos thanks to all the times the glider caught a downwind and smacked into the driveway. Whoever the guy is who thought this would be a good idea is a jerk.
The Cobra Stellar Stilletto.
More like the Shitter Shitello. Okay, lemme break it down for you here, Cobra has no business in space, GI Joe has no business in space. There was nothing "Stellar" about a giant red spear shaped thing that I can't use realistically with the rest of my planes. It did have a pretty good driver though.
Cobra Battle Barge:
What happens if it gets caught on some reeds or something? This thing has no motor, just 3 guns
and a device to get HBO on illegally. I like how the boxart depicts 3 of the lamest figures ever made driving it. I guess Cobra could use this thing to fish off of.
Cobra Battle Field Robot Hovercraft:
Its a goddamned mattress with some guns! It also has the atypical cobra armament of "Lots of red missiles"
Destros Dominator:
It's a tank, that becomes a helicopter! HOW COOL! Too bad it can't hold it self up and is held together and doesn't make sense as a tank or a helicopter.
Cobra STUN:
Two guns that are way too big
For every Stinger, Rattler and HISS Cobra had there was some vehicles that were well, useless. From the absurd to the impractical, lets take a look:
The Viper Glider:
Made out of the same material as a knock-off Dixie cup (Yes, they do exist) this thing came out of the box snapped in two, or exploded on contact with a particle of dust, also why the hell would cobra need gliders? They have tanks, guys with metal masks, a dude with an awesome last name and a leader who wielded a hairdryer as a weapon. The "Viper-pilot" was the original rare figure in the Joe line, and I'm happy to say mine was butchered into a custom at an early age. The joes also had one, and it was the same useless hunk of junk as the Cobra one, also it came with a tan Grunt. Who can be found with broken arms and cracked torsos thanks to all the times the glider caught a downwind and smacked into the driveway. Whoever the guy is who thought this would be a good idea is a jerk.
The Cobra Stellar Stilletto.
More like the Shitter Shitello. Okay, lemme break it down for you here, Cobra has no business in space, GI Joe has no business in space. There was nothing "Stellar" about a giant red spear shaped thing that I can't use realistically with the rest of my planes. It did have a pretty good driver though.
Cobra Battle Barge:
What happens if it gets caught on some reeds or something? This thing has no motor, just 3 guns
and a device to get HBO on illegally. I like how the boxart depicts 3 of the lamest figures ever made driving it. I guess Cobra could use this thing to fish off of.
Cobra Battle Field Robot Hovercraft:
Its a goddamned mattress with some guns! It also has the atypical cobra armament of "Lots of red missiles"
Destros Dominator:
It's a tank, that becomes a helicopter! HOW COOL! Too bad it can't hold it self up and is held together and doesn't make sense as a tank or a helicopter.
Cobra STUN:
Two guns that are way too big
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Why I never go into Toys R Us anymore.
From The Desk Of The Esteemed Doctor Henry Edward Miller:
A few years ago, when I accually cared about GI Joe action figures and bought them in a public place, I was in Toys R Us in Riverhead NY looking at the action figure section flipping through that "HEAVY WEAPONS ASSAULT TEAM" 5-pack that was crowding the shelfs with his gayness, when I was approached from behind by something that cast a long shadow under the bright florescent lights of the store, I knew right away that I was dealing with either a large child, a large adult, either way I could smell the social ineptness.
A voice called out from behind:
"Oh do you like GI Joes too?"
So I stupidly respond:
"Yeah, I've been collecting them since the 80's.."
"OH MAN I THOUGHT I'D NEVER MEET ANOTHER JOE FAN IN PERSON"
I put that in capitals because this thing was yelling, yes, YELLING this, people in other sections in the store could hear the excited bellowing of this guy. I turned around to see his face. What appeared over my shoulder was something that could not have been less then 450 pounds, something that could not have been wearing a shirt larger then "Medium" and something that looked like he hasn't seen what a shower looks like since Reagan got shot. He must've been at least 25-28 years old, and was visibly excited that he had finally found someone who shared the same interests as him in real life.
"DO YOU LIKE THE NEW SCULPTS?"
Still yelling, loud enough that people over in the RC car isle were probably taking interest. I didn't respond for a few seconds..
"DO YOU LIKE THE NEW POST 2002 WAVE 2 NEW SCULPTS, I DO, I THINK WAVE 3 BEACHHEAD IS JUST SWELL"
I needed to escape, I tried to make a deke to the left to get around this mountain of ranch sauce, he stepped closer, I began to grow scared, I took another look at him, he was wearing a TOOL (fat music for fat people) shirt that as I mentioned before, was at least six sizes too small, and had a tattoo of a dragon on his arm/elbow/hand combo. I tried to move away from the isle, and he followed me, I moved faster, and he tried to keep up, all the while yelling:
"DO YOU WANT TO EXCHANGE E-MAIL ADDRESSES?"
And:
"MY FAVORITE COBRA IS ZARTAN!"
I knew I had an advantage, I could out run this fatty, but somehow his desire to make me into his new best friend had completely override the fact he hasn't moved above the speed of new coupon day at Carl Jr's since the early 90's. I had to get to my car, the car is my only hope, someone this socially retarded doesn't own a car, and the bus only runs every half hour.
I went out the exit with him in hot pursuit, he continued to yell stuff like "DO YOU HAVE THE AGENT FACES MAIL IN FIGURE?" "ARE YOU A MEMBER OF THE PITT MAILING LIST???" all across the parking lot!
I got into my car, and started up the motor, I put the Ronnie Wood Thunder Express Tribute Machine into gear and got out of there as fast as goddamned possible, I did 80 mph all the way out to county road 51. Then it hit me, I had my cell phone out of my pocket back when I was browsing the figures on the rack, and somewhere during that time, I had placed it down, and in the rush to escape from the joelatious blob I forgot it.
The phone had a few business numbers in it that I couldn't lose, so I made a choice to go back, like Raoul Duke driving back to Vegas in the 2nd half of Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas I had to go back and face the paranoia once more.
I pulled into the parking lot that I had sped out of only a few scant moments before, I parked as close to the front entrance as I could. Walking into the store was what my father must've felt walking into the jungles of Vietnam, the enemy could be anywhere, it could be anyone. He could be lurking behind any Polly Pocket display waiting to strike. I gingerly made my way back to the section where my phone was left, I could see it from 20 feet away, it's scuffed sliver finish glistening in the light. No sign of him, was I home free? Did he get on the bus and go back to where he came? I picked up the phone and put it into the pocket of my jeans, I breathed a sign of relief, I might be safe.
I have a habit of thinking too fast. Because from behind I heard...
"OH YOUR BACK!!!!"
Oh fuck.
"HEY MAN DO YOU HAVE A AOL INSTANT MESSAGER NAME?!?"
FUCK
"DO YOU LIKE THE BAND LINKIN PARK? THERE MY FAVORITE WHEN I MAKE CUSTOMS I LISTEN TO THEM TO GET ME READY"
No, no, what did I do to deserve this? I've never broken any laws, okay, got me there, but I never hurt anyone else, what did I do, what horrible fate have I chosen for myself!
He fat-jogged towards me, arms out like he was ready to hug me, but right before he got within arms reach, a voice called out like the gun of Jeanies father and stopped him dead in his tracks.
"Walter, WALTER GET OVER HERE"
"Awww C'monnn Mommmm"
"GET OVER HERE RIGHT NOW OR NO TV FOR YOU TONIGHT"
"Aawwwwwwww MOOOOOM!"
I stood there in stunned silence as this woman came over and grabbed "Walter" and dragged him out of sight, the whole time he protested and whined, I saw this scene play itself out all the way to the exit. I was free, I was safe, this grown mans possessive mother saved me from certain doom.
I collected myself and made my way to the exit. When I got back into my car I made a pact with myself that I would never admit to collecting toys ever again in a public place, or go into Toys R Us ever again. Because somewhere, lurking amongst the bonds that held me to my youth was a army of socially retarded Walters ready to ask me for my E-mail and what my favorite Eco-Warrior was.
I could never look at that store the same way ever again.
A few years ago, when I accually cared about GI Joe action figures and bought them in a public place, I was in Toys R Us in Riverhead NY looking at the action figure section flipping through that "HEAVY WEAPONS ASSAULT TEAM" 5-pack that was crowding the shelfs with his gayness, when I was approached from behind by something that cast a long shadow under the bright florescent lights of the store, I knew right away that I was dealing with either a large child, a large adult, either way I could smell the social ineptness.
A voice called out from behind:
"Oh do you like GI Joes too?"
So I stupidly respond:
"Yeah, I've been collecting them since the 80's.."
"OH MAN I THOUGHT I'D NEVER MEET ANOTHER JOE FAN IN PERSON"
I put that in capitals because this thing was yelling, yes, YELLING this, people in other sections in the store could hear the excited bellowing of this guy. I turned around to see his face. What appeared over my shoulder was something that could not have been less then 450 pounds, something that could not have been wearing a shirt larger then "Medium" and something that looked like he hasn't seen what a shower looks like since Reagan got shot. He must've been at least 25-28 years old, and was visibly excited that he had finally found someone who shared the same interests as him in real life.
"DO YOU LIKE THE NEW SCULPTS?"
Still yelling, loud enough that people over in the RC car isle were probably taking interest. I didn't respond for a few seconds..
"DO YOU LIKE THE NEW POST 2002 WAVE 2 NEW SCULPTS, I DO, I THINK WAVE 3 BEACHHEAD IS JUST SWELL"
I needed to escape, I tried to make a deke to the left to get around this mountain of ranch sauce, he stepped closer, I began to grow scared, I took another look at him, he was wearing a TOOL (fat music for fat people) shirt that as I mentioned before, was at least six sizes too small, and had a tattoo of a dragon on his arm/elbow/hand combo. I tried to move away from the isle, and he followed me, I moved faster, and he tried to keep up, all the while yelling:
"DO YOU WANT TO EXCHANGE E-MAIL ADDRESSES?"
And:
"MY FAVORITE COBRA IS ZARTAN!"
I knew I had an advantage, I could out run this fatty, but somehow his desire to make me into his new best friend had completely override the fact he hasn't moved above the speed of new coupon day at Carl Jr's since the early 90's. I had to get to my car, the car is my only hope, someone this socially retarded doesn't own a car, and the bus only runs every half hour.
I went out the exit with him in hot pursuit, he continued to yell stuff like "DO YOU HAVE THE AGENT FACES MAIL IN FIGURE?" "ARE YOU A MEMBER OF THE PITT MAILING LIST???" all across the parking lot!
I got into my car, and started up the motor, I put the Ronnie Wood Thunder Express Tribute Machine into gear and got out of there as fast as goddamned possible, I did 80 mph all the way out to county road 51. Then it hit me, I had my cell phone out of my pocket back when I was browsing the figures on the rack, and somewhere during that time, I had placed it down, and in the rush to escape from the joelatious blob I forgot it.
The phone had a few business numbers in it that I couldn't lose, so I made a choice to go back, like Raoul Duke driving back to Vegas in the 2nd half of Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas I had to go back and face the paranoia once more.
I pulled into the parking lot that I had sped out of only a few scant moments before, I parked as close to the front entrance as I could. Walking into the store was what my father must've felt walking into the jungles of Vietnam, the enemy could be anywhere, it could be anyone. He could be lurking behind any Polly Pocket display waiting to strike. I gingerly made my way back to the section where my phone was left, I could see it from 20 feet away, it's scuffed sliver finish glistening in the light. No sign of him, was I home free? Did he get on the bus and go back to where he came? I picked up the phone and put it into the pocket of my jeans, I breathed a sign of relief, I might be safe.
I have a habit of thinking too fast. Because from behind I heard...
"OH YOUR BACK!!!!"
Oh fuck.
"HEY MAN DO YOU HAVE A AOL INSTANT MESSAGER NAME?!?"
FUCK
"DO YOU LIKE THE BAND LINKIN PARK? THERE MY FAVORITE WHEN I MAKE CUSTOMS I LISTEN TO THEM TO GET ME READY"
No, no, what did I do to deserve this? I've never broken any laws, okay, got me there, but I never hurt anyone else, what did I do, what horrible fate have I chosen for myself!
He fat-jogged towards me, arms out like he was ready to hug me, but right before he got within arms reach, a voice called out like the gun of Jeanies father and stopped him dead in his tracks.
"Walter, WALTER GET OVER HERE"
"Awww C'monnn Mommmm"
"GET OVER HERE RIGHT NOW OR NO TV FOR YOU TONIGHT"
"Aawwwwwwww MOOOOOM!"
I stood there in stunned silence as this woman came over and grabbed "Walter" and dragged him out of sight, the whole time he protested and whined, I saw this scene play itself out all the way to the exit. I was free, I was safe, this grown mans possessive mother saved me from certain doom.
I collected myself and made my way to the exit. When I got back into my car I made a pact with myself that I would never admit to collecting toys ever again in a public place, or go into Toys R Us ever again. Because somewhere, lurking amongst the bonds that held me to my youth was a army of socially retarded Walters ready to ask me for my E-mail and what my favorite Eco-Warrior was.
I could never look at that store the same way ever again.
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