Direct To Consumer Action Figures: A look at stuff I didn't buy!

The DTC line of figures were a funny gimmick "YEAH MAN WE GET TO ORDER THESE OVER THE INTERNET NOW, AND WON'T WASTE GAS LOOKING ALL OVER TOWN!" was the original battle cry for people defending Hasbro's plans, those arguments were still used even after the Toys R Us Stores started stocking them. Also there's lots of websites run by jerks, fanboys or guys who aren't Eugene Son that have pictures of these toys, open a new window and then you can see pictures and read ths stuff.

So all 5 of you who read this, let's look at the bad figures:

Red Zone: Boy this figure has some horrible facial hair, and a terrible name "Red Zone" I wonder if we'll get Night Force All Spice and Slaughters Marauders Right Guard next. His filecard makes him out to be an asshole, saying he beats prisoners during interrogations. "HAY GUYS I ASSAULT MINORITIES AND THE INNOCENT LET ME ON YOUR ANTI TERRORISM TEAM" maybe he should've been Tiger Force instead.

Scrap Iron: What the fuck happened to Scrap Iron? He used to be a rad guy with an awesome vest, a realistic outfit and great weapons, now he looks like a cyberspace insect man wearing a full body sweater and retarded armor. Honestly why did Scrap Iron (who's character is "I hate the world and imperfection") decide "hmm, I shall wear armor that doesn't match" And good god has the ability to sculpt a COBRA gone to hell that much since 1993?

Major Bludd: Gee Bludd, poetry and scarfs losing that eye must've made you really sad

Salvo: Why the fuck did they bother remaking you?

"Med Alert": Your name sounds like one of those products for old people who get swindled easily. Why'd they bother making you, everybody has Lifeline, and he wasn't (always) a schmuck in Orange who carried guns. He had an air mask, a medical pack- something this jerk is missing and a smirk (war crimes...fun) Your just another plain cracker in an ugly costume.

Monkeywrench: Yeah, who doesn't wear metal knee pads on their jeans? Don't worry I'm not gonna compare you're "punk look" to your original "punk look" seeing as you look and still look like a guy who was a huge fan of Slayer and the 10 000 other bands that sound exactly like Slayer. Also Monkeywrench, your hair makes you look like more of an asshole than Keith Morris.

That BAT 6 pack that came out that one year: Well two of these figures were released like 12 times in two years, and the other four look like goddamned Burger King Toys, so the only thing constructive I can add is if you swap a bunch of parts and get the straight arms and antennae'd head you can get a pretty rad old time-y 1950's creature feature Robot (that's how BATs should be used anyways. Fuck this clothed robots with the ability to fire guns noise