CONTENT MOTHERFUCKERS

So the other day I was in Wal-Mart and decided for some sick reason to go over to the isle where the action figures are, why I did this, and after my last encounter in a toy isle I do not know.

So I walked over to where they keep the military action figures and what greeted me was a very large neckbeard, I'm talking like 450 pounds + neck beard, he had a death grip on one of those whiteboy Ninja-Ku's and was sweating profusely and panting heavily.

You know what, fuck the toy isle.

Also heres a picture from the top secret GI Joe operation "SIEGE OF COUNTRY KITCHEN BUFFET":



YO JOE.


Also "Stupid Things Jerks Said" will be returning soon. Johnny Turk has to get bailed out of prison in Winnipeg first.

100 posts jerks!

Smash The State's 100th post, rather than make fun of more jerks or actually review a figure we're just gonna take the easy way out and post all our tags, the real humor of the site! (except for the tom jacks ones, they suck and I forgot to add them):

Nerds Losing Money
BOMB SQUAD
Dirtbikes
Levon Helm
Wait the guys from aerosmith are still alive?
Rain is hot I KNOW
The History of America
Ronaldo Reagano
Guys with beards
REALISTIC MILITARY ACTION
Geddy Lee
DON'T YOU DARE BEND THAT CARD
Levon Helm Is the Single Greatest Motherfucker This side of Rick Danko
Better than Yojoe
Straight Edge
Larry Hama is No friend of mine
RICHARD HELL
IT’S A SERIOUS HOBBY I SPEND LOTS OF MONEY ON IT
Rick Danko
Break The News Pepote Rouge is coming to town
It Makes No Difference
SHUT THE FUCK UP DONNY
Walter Mondale
Eric Bloom
HAYSTACKS CALHOON
Joe Fans Are cheap
I hope these guys try to sue us
ON EBAY
YOU CAN BRING ON
Margaret Thatcher
Chuck Biscuits
Sun is cold
Legal Threats
Bootlegs
Lovin’ Spoonful
GUYS THERES GONNA BE A TERRORDROME REISSUE FOR 15 BUCKS
If You Want Me here I is
Corey Stinson ill show you what this baddest of the bad shit is all about
Adult Virgins
WE SAY THIS IN PUBLIC BECAUSE SMASH THE STATE FEARS NO MAN
KODDACHROMMMMMMME
Satanic Cults
Tags about Neil Young
GET IN MY CAR
DRIVE TO THE GREAT AMERICAN BASH
Guys Getting Sued
Keith Morris
Mister Blue Sky
Vote fire Tom Jacks
Tom Jacks doesn’t get a cut
Taco Stains
The Band
CCR
We're Firing Tom Jacks
A Season In Hell
Richard Manuel has great eyebrows
I WILL CONTACT THE SHOPPING CENTER SECURITY FORCE
I hope Thomas wheeler gets drafted
Zero Hour
SEX BOMB BABY
The Dicks hate the police
Heroes
Nerds upset by the internet
Keith Morris
Keith Moon
Tina Weymouth
Nerds Wanting History
Mike Fountain
Are Ya Going to Bermuda
Wesley Willis
The Contras
Johnny Turk was a member of the Floorlords for six minutes
BADDEST MEN
Leave the lights on I forgot where the fuck it is
Mike Watt
Maderic and Rocfella are the same person
Bomb Squad
Dwindling Creativity
Jailbait jailbait statutory rape
When ya dance you can really love
Dr Henry E Miller sold Chris benoit steroids in exchange for pictures of his wife
Organized Religion
MALE INNZ
Spook City USA
shout out to all my homies on hisstank.com
Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Cherry bomb
Sorry Levar we have to let you go
Rick Danko got a lot of screen time
You're Living All Over Me is the best Dinosaur jr. Album
Smash The State Never Loses
Nerds Getting Angry
Jpeg compression
Tom Waits
Slam and Worm
Why haven’t you made effects yet
REMEMBER WHEN THE JOE COMMUNITY WAS LIKE 6 SITES
Nerds With Bad Websites
Rick Danko is great
STUDIO SESSION
Mike Fountain is no friend of mine
Jerks spending stimulus checks on dumb shit
guys who know things
Gangland Killings
Decapitations
My Guitar Wants to kill your action Figures
Mike Fountain Killed My Father
Nerds Getting Butthurt
Running On Empty
Nerds With Healthcare
Live Rust
BIG BAD TOY FRAUD
HATE BLOGGERS WHOA
Fall
Keep on Searching for a heart of gold
Sweetheart of the Rodeo
God
Christianity
Ringo Starr
Chest Fever man, Garth Hudson plays it for like 17 minutes
TOM JACKS IS THE FALL GUY
Time Fades away
Rick Danko is the best
Tom Jacks Is On Thin Ice
Rick Danko Knows Things
Wolf Shirts
Malicious hair dryers
This is it
RED LOGO STATIC ATTACK
Convention Exclusives cause domestic abuse
Corpus Christi
General Hawk Writes Propaganda Songs
BLITZ YA WHOLE TEAM YA NIGGAS NEED TO COME CLEAN
Guys they really do care
Thomas Wheeler failed his road test 19 times
They try really hard to make toys we the collector enjoy
Rock n roll once beat up some new wave band for not covering a ccr song
Jello Biafra
Robbie Robertson
Danzig
Tom Jacks Reform
The Elderly
MUTHAAAA I'M A BUILDING A PATIO I HAVE A SKID A BRIIIICKS
Outsourced action figures
Oh God The Weather Is Bad
Sherman Anti Trust act
Fuck the PAC/RAT
Stage Fright
OFFSHORING OF NERDS LOSING MONEY
Back To Africa
Hardcore 81
Wheelchair Epidemic
Devilock
GO
GO GO GO GOOOOOO
YEAH
COME ON UP TO THE DEVILS WHOREHOUSE
Nerds Reaching Puberty Late
Scooters
Corner you in an elevator
REISSUED FLAGG
Little Feat
Tall Grass
Nerds preordering bad figures
Showdown at big sky
Bad Ideas
Snowmobiles
This Is It Vancouver
Zodiac Killer
WHOA OH OOH
Well I turned into A Martian
Charles Bronson
Prison
These are True
Coca cola bottle from outer space
I hope Thomas Wheeler get drafted
I blew up my deep six with a cherry bomb
Willie The Pimp
Terrorists
BRIAN SAVAGE
Pederast
I Knew A Man Bojangles
DEATH BY COPS
HE HAS 2 BROKEN STRINGS IS THAT PUNK ENOUGH FOR YOU
Gorilla Your a Desperado
I think My walkie talkie’s broke
Is this some kind of joke
ROLL ME AWAY
G.I.Joe
THE FUTURE OF AMERICA
Tripwire
Thomas Wheeler was probably in youth of today
America Under Attack
Henry Rollins Fanfiction
Nerds Getting Arrested
Nerds With Fucked Up Priorities
Pedadelphia PA
Thomas Wheeler
Nerds With No Money
THEY HAD NO BUSINESS DOING THAT MAN
Reaganomics worked for me
Thomas wheeler does not believe in music
Nerds Fear Darkies
Thomas Wheeler is gonna sue us
ANARCHY IN TANZANIA
SEALs
DIY TOY NEWSLETTERS
Pointed Sticks
mailed in articles
Willie Horton
With a knife
PHOTOSHOP
GIVE ME A V for TEXAS
Talking bout the gambler I think
Rack Focus
There's an a bomb on wardour street
Captain America
Black Flag had a guitarist worse than the Bay City Rollers
Death Wish 3
Bay City Rollers
I HOPE WE DON'T GET SUED
Search it Out
Patriots
George Clinton stole the covers of from my trashcans
MORE LIKE AT THE PUBLIC HEALTH CLINIC
Joe Fans Are idiots
Buzzer
Whats the ugliest part of your body
The Neccesities of Life
TSOL
Cobra
YOU’RE A REAL DICK ALRIGHT
I hope you get drafted
Thomas wheeler is too much of a wimp to go to a training camp
Harvest
Comic Pack
Terrorism
Like That Reagan Quote about eating children
Sweet Caroline
Guys who could use a beard
MAKE THE RIGHT CHOICE
Jerks

Well thank you for sifting through a list of obscure music references, personal attacks against a guy neither of us know, a few things actually referencing G.I. Joe and like 14 variations of the “Nerd “verb” “noun”” gag.

Sincerely the Smash The State Figure Review Team (Johnny Turk and Dr. Henry E. Miller)

Short Takin'

You know what was pretty fucking swell?

The whirlwind! A big fucking gun that doesn't take shit from nobody!



Look at that fucking thing, Rock N Roll is totally laying into some prick with twin Gatling Guns. Throwing serious lead at some lame Adventure People toy on the shelf next to it. Take that TV Van with Reporter!

The Whirlwind was the first and best of many small Joe battle accessories that kicked serious ass and didn't suck. Giant machine guns are better then LOTS OF RED MISSILES any fucking day!

Funskool Tripwire

Smash The State has decided to review a figure, so here's Funskool Tripwire during his party days:



As a figure he's wicked good, he's got more details than all Four american releases. Why the fuck were there four Tripwires? He was released more often than Snake Eyes was in the 80s, And every version was worse than the one before. 83's was more boring than the scuba diving kiddie diddler. 85's was the ugliest figure released prior to 1993, honestly, red and orange did nothing for Tripwire. 1988's hilarious as he actually wasn't terrible until you notice the big ass tiger print chest protector. Mother fucker was either a pimp or white trash. Then in 2001 he got released in colors that made the 83 version look exciting plus he was packaged with something that in 2003 had a "Hilarious" joke about him.

That joke was so "hilarious" that motherfuckers 5 goddamn years later who weren't even around at the time quote it not realizing it was the most blatant troll on that site. Anyways, then Funskool released a Tripwire that wasn't gay and had a stamp on his chest revealing his affiliation.

However his head still looked like a Penis

Smash The State Story amended version!

1960: Thomas Wheeler is born I think

1976: Johnny Turk is conceived at a concert

1977: Running On Empty is released

1982: Johnny Turk received a straight arm Rock N Roll

1984: Johnny Turk lends Duke to a chinaman

1988: Johnny Turk decides "Space G.I. Joes, what the fuck?"

1988: Dr. Henry E. Miller testifies against the mob

1993: Johnny Turk sends over 400 dollars in money orders for Smash The State Issue #1, does not show up so he does not know the lyrics to Transformer Man, also thought it was Southern Man

1994: Johnny Turk graduates high school. Also finally receives that issue decides to do his own version does not credit Dr. Henry E. Miller for all the articles stolen

1995: Johnny Turk is no longer allowed in a certain comic book store, in response threw a watermelon at a fat guy buying wonderwoman comics

1997: Mike Fountain makes enough Hockey Dollars to totally blow it on Ninja Ku's

1997: Thomas Wheeler writes awful filecards

1998: Dr. Henry E. Miller Is kicked out of the coast guard

1998: Mike Fountain spends thousands of dollars on foreign G.I. Joes

1998:Thomas Wheeler writes more awful filecards

1998: Johnny Turk cancels his Smash The State subscription after 2000 dollars and 5 and a half issues

1999: Mike Fountain sells most of his foreign G.I. Joes

2000: Dr. Henry E. Miller mails Johnny Turk a letter saying; "Turk, your not a giant jerkface, ps. HA HA HA rick danko is dead"

2001: Mike Fountain leaves america and ridicule behind

2004: Some spinless guy appeases his volunteers by railroading DR. Henry E. Miller

2006: Johnny Turk decides maybe Smash The state can make him more money than engineering the ill fated "A punk Tribute Oliver North"

2007:Smash The State is back in bidness, no one cares! Gets duke back from that chinaman!

2008: Nerds lose money, Nerds get upset at being quoted, Thomas Wheeler hasn't written any filecards thank god!

2009?: Smash The State bootlegs man!

The Smash The State Story

Smash The State Timeline:

1982 - A young Henry Miller recieves a VAMP with Clutch for Christmas, little did he know this would lead to 25 years of jerks.

1984 - Henry Miller hits Bobby R. Watts in the goddamned face for snapping the thumb on his breaker.

1990 - Henry Miller trades two Huffy's for a photocopier and a copy of Meat Puppets II.

1992 - Henry Miller graduates from High School

1993 - Henry Miller remembers he owns a photocopier, and after a case of PBR he decides to make a "GI. Joe fanzine" for shits and giggles, he decided to name it "Smash The State". Smash The State issue #1 features an article about useless joe accessories, 91' Grunt, 86' Roadblocks vest and the lyrics to "Transformer Man" by Neil Young.

1994 - Johnny Turk somehow receives a copy of STS #1 in the mail.

1995 - Henry Miller becomes Doctor Henry E. Miller after getting a doctorate in socico-American-historical-study from a place thats totally real and legit.

1995 - Johnny Turk meets Todd Mcfarlane and calls him a "Real jerk alright"

1996 - Smash The State #6 is printed, the cover story is a retrospective on how lame Deep Six was.

1999 - Johnny Turk is banned from Rhode Island for reasons that cannot be disclosed in public.

2001 - Johnny Turk and Dr. Henry E. Miller meet and discuss how lame GI. Joe fans can be and how awesome and great Rock And Roll V1 really is.

2005 - Doctor Henry E. Miller dies for like six months, in the meantime Johnny Turk gets drunk and passes out on the mini-golf course and gets kicked off after spraypainting "IT'S LIKE SOME PORNOGRAPHIC MAGAZINE" on the wall of that house with the door thats a total dick and open and closes when you want to putt goddamnit.

2007 - Johnny Turk buys the URL of a blog devoted to Model 98 Oldsmobile's and government conspiracy's against the Oldsmobile Corporation while drunk. Not knowing what to do, he contacts Dr. Henry E. Miller and asks if he wants to resurrect the dormant Smash The State name with the intent on pissing off people they didn't like.

2008 - Smash The State becomes the leading source of things that jerks said about GI. Joe action figures on the internet.

2009 - Tom Jacks gets fired?

Open letter to jerks/ Cool stuff said by guys in recent memory

Well, since negativity is totally not cool with G.I. Joe fans, I decided "Maybe instead of being "hater bloggers [whoa oooh oh]" we should just be elitests instead" because G.I. Joe fans hate that even more than "mean people who quote people on the internet for saying really stupid stupid shit like, mainly because I doubt kids collect G.I.Joes and they sure as hell aren't going to place with a url stolen from a Public Enemy song:

ok so i was checking hiss tank and saw this shit i mean what the fuck ! i fucking hate assholes if they want to talk shit about ppl and hasbro do it on a closed board like us not a fucking blog were kids can find it. fuck these guys!!!!!!!!!!.
http://98oldsmobiledotgov.blogspot.com/

But hey, we say this in public so that people who and don't agree with us have the oppurtunity to voice their opinions too. Maybe we should "THINK OF THE CHILDREN" Also we don't twist anything, usually just commentary is added to it, we're like Glenn Beck except more along the lines of Jeff Beck and not on CNN but anyways here's the next gem:

"well when he copies what ppl says and twists it . it is his right but not on an open board were kids can read it. what if your daughter came across this ? i know i would flip out as it is a public site not closed. if they want to do then go ahead but close the fucking thing like we do."

and even more! (This is something I assume is about the special edition of Stupid shit said by jerks with the convention exclusive domestic abuse, which is funny seeing how Dr. Henry E. Miller just quoted a dude named "concrete" on hisstank.com)

"that is so true the guy is a dirt bag big time. the thing with the wife was fucked up."

And finally this:"you dont want to i was just skimming to see if i was quoted. and saw that one were he would hit his wife for spending his joe toy money. thats when i stopped. as i was getting sick and pissed at the same time. i dont need to get pissed at some fag on the net. i have real life shit to get pissed at lol."

I'd suggest you get to that. As it's not worth getting angry about a dude quoting another dude, I'm not getting mad about you missing the title of "Stupid Things Jerks Said: "SPECIAL EDITION
THIS EDITION OF STUPID THINGS JERKS SAID IS ALMOST AS RARE AS THE FIGURE THIS GUY IS GONNA BEAT HIS WIFE OVER!"

Anyways, I doubt somethingawful gets as much grief we do for the weekend web, which is all that Stupid stuff said this week, was a rip off of, and remember that there hasn't been an original idea since like 1986 regarding anything involving entertainment.

Now on to cool stuff said by radical dudes and a few people I don't know but agree with what they said:

After the words "ADULT COLLECTABLE: NOT INTENDED FOR CHILDREN" was noticed on the G.I.Joe collectors club packaging for Copperhead the gambling speedboatin' ninja; "That's nice, actually. When the figures break right out of the package, they can say WE TOLD YOU IT WASN'T A TOY."

Also regarding NINJA Copperhead's interesting packaging: Didn't notice that. Glad I don't collect exclusives, it's a sad day when a toy is labeled for adults

Someone clearing up misconceptions: "1:18 is modelling terminology, 1/18th of life size (right?). It's used by people who think collecting toys should be considered a serious hobby."

Some dude who totally got the point of a picture of Duke being a jerk with an apt description: WHAT A DICK. JUST LIKE CONRAD TO BOOST HIMSELF TO GREAT HEIGHTS"

Some guy who's decided to re-evaluate how he collects and what he expects from Hasbro: "all i know is i have become VERY selective with the figures i buy as too many are just lazy rehashes by a lazy design team. I mean they say oh well the figures would be more expensive, well shit they're already almost ten bucks for one fracking figure anyways so if you're gonna be charging us so much i want every single goddamn figure in this line to be perfect for these prices."

A cool dude who knows funny stuff when he sees it: "i will buy a figure of ripcord just because he is an icon to me. an icon that hilariously made so many gi joe fans so angry. he will be the best gi joe ever."

This explains a lot of stuff: I don't know about you but the only thing worse than robot-assisted terrorism is indecent robot-assisted terrorism. Kudos to Cobra for showing some morals in these turbulent times.

This guy might actually write for Smash The State which is a win-win, as we'll have someone who might do more work than Tom Jacks, and someone to appeal to the South! He can be the Levon helm to my Rick Danko and Dr. Henry E. Miller's Bob Dylan and Tom Jacks' Lita Ford: "I'm from Alabama, and Dude you have no idea! I thought it was manditory for ALL cops to be rednecks."

There were probably more but I got bored and decided to not waste my time, thanks for not being jerks guys!

Really swell knock offs

THOSE GUYS FROM THE OTHER GALAXY?

Nope these are real figures! Hasbro is coming for your minimum wage!

Three figures they don't need to make. One mold they have shoved down peoples throats for 2 years (seriously, when jerks get sick of cobra troopers you're fucking up big time) a rehash of a figure that was lame 19 years ago and leopard print homosexual jaws of life!

ACES!

Smash The State Presents: Someone we can all believe in.

Since Republicans and Democrats are two parts of the same seven headed dragon, we feel that AMERICA needs someone who they can trust and believe in, so representing the "Cool Dudes With Tudes" party we give you:



GOD BLESS AMERICA AND THIS GUY

Man, fuck Joe Colton

Well my friends the overdubs of Toto XVI are almost done but I have to use some African zombie voodoo shit to ressurect the dead dude because albums need all the original guys or it's just not worth doing I still get things done faster than Bob Rock! Anyways, lately I've noticed a trend of jerks deciding that the 3 3/4 inch G.I. Joe line needs to have the original G.I.Joe as a character, now I know "good idea" and "G.I. Joe fan" don't really go together, but there's been a few (the most obvious is this site!) but really, why the fuck do we even want that fucking jerk? here's what I gather are the reasons guys decide this:

1. "HE WAS IN THE COMIC" Yeah, so? Most comic fans want their joes to age seeing as they all fought in nam and that was 40 years ago that makes Stalker like 60. G.I. Joe would probably be on his deathbed in a moldy old VA hospital, cursing his 4 kids and their lousy kids for not visiting. HE LOST HIS SHINS GODDAMNIT!

2. "He's historical" Yeah, you know what else is historical and important, the bubonic plauge but I don't here joe fans demanding that get carded and sold in stores. Well I actually think they should, it would really thin out the ranks!

3. "But Johnny, what about his sweet mail-in figure that figure was pretty good" Yeah, I guess but that figure came with a Gung Ho v3 gun, and Gung Ho v3 is the worst version of Gung Ho not dressed up like homosexual in an off broadway performance of Platoon, or a guy who runs around yelling SEMPER FI while drunk and waving his sword at women on the base. So G.I Joe shouldn't get a figure due to having a lame mail in with a jerkwad's gun.

So if you want G.I.Joe with your fun action figures, stop collecting. Your not secure enough with your hobby that you need some lame ass old dude to join it so you can claim to the hot 17 year old cashier "YEAH, THIS HAS 40 YEARS OF HISTORY BEHIND IT, THAT'S LIKE SPIDER MAN AND FANTASTIC FOUR, WANT TO COME TO MY PLACE AND WATCH A VHS OF INFOMERCIALS?"

A stupid thing a jerk said this week.

Since Johnny Turk is still laying down the overdubs for Toto and Tom Jacks is useless I have to post stupid things for this week (LOOKING HARD ENOUGH HISSTANK?) Since I'm lazy and this can't really be topped we only have one, from our favorite guy:

There's a Barnes & Noble bookstore in the mall next to this Wal-Mart. I planned to go over to the B&N, spend a little time there (by the way, I got ToyFare there, and the new Masters Classics Skeletor is on the cover, as well as a comprehensive article within, and I am IMPRESSED!) and then return to the Wal-Mart, snag the toys, and do some grocery shopping. Since I am on foot, I did not want to carry heavy and/or perishable food items all the way down to the B&N.

So -- I hid the Halo and the ninja -- WAAAAYYY over in the preschool section behind what looked like some overgrown My Little Ponies. Boxed items. Not entirely sure what they were, but there was room enough behind them.

I get back to the Wal-Mart less than an hour later -- GONE! WTF?! Had they been discovered? THERE!??!? I've hidden stuff for over TEN DAYS at that Wal-Mart and nobody's found it. They're not back on their assigned racks, either.


ARGH MY TOYS AND MY LACK OF STEADY PAY AND A CAR CAN'T YOU SEE THIS IS SERIOUS, PEOPLE ARE BUYING TOYS THAT HAVE BEEN WILLED TO ME BY THE LORD AND SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST.

Also you probably looked hella creepy lurking around the pre-school section hiding things.

Johnny Turk attacks Canada!

You know what's lame? Newsletters, seeing how they're generally used by your annoying family members who think you actually give a fuck if they're shithead kid can ride a bike or not, and community associations telling you when the next event your not going to attend is. But what's lamer is an E-Newsletter combining two lame things: kids toys and Canada (I'm a guy who knows things about Canada I live there) so of course that exists!

I found out about the Canadian Joe newsletter on one of the "HEY GUYS LET'S SPAM THE SAME POST ACROSS 6 BOARDS" posts or on the main page of some site that is really busy but has no actual content. This newsletter is hilarious (not like smash the state, where we're serious about making cool people laugh and nerds cry) I mean it's got all sorts of useless or regurgitated like customizing guides or a fucking wordsearch. Wordsearches are for children, I assume children do not read .pdf's about goddamn action figures.

Then there's the only thing worse than the webcomic, and that's grainy pictures of poorly posed action figures with "witty" banter. Also they're shitty reviews of mass produced customs (An idea totally ripped off from SMASH THE STATE issue #5 that had then "Grad student Hank Miller review the DESIMONE RACECAR DRIVE) oh and "Character spotlights" ya know where some guy talks about action figures while pretending they're actually significant. Also that guy who's a mod at every fourm ever contributes


So pretty much, newsletters are stupid, Canadian joe fans not named Johnny GODDAMN Turk wouldn't understand cool if it beat up their wives and made their parents get divorced

ONE TWO SURFS UP! Chuckles is a party animal!

Back in 1987 a new lounge act took the world by storm, his soothing vocals, steel guitar and cheap Hawaiian shirts stunned the audiences of Maxies Tiki Bar of Fort Collins Colorado (Don't look for it, it's not there no more) every Tuesday night from 8pm to 10pm. His blazing covers of Paul Simon's "Kodachrome" and "Me and Julio Down By The Schoolyard" his powerful steel guitar six string fury would propel crowds into fits of passing interest.



"Hey all you classy ladies in the crowd tonight, this next one is where I want to take ya, it's an old Roky Erikson tune called Bermuda and it goes like a one-two-a-shinin'-my-shoe..."


Well accually it turned out Chuckles was an undercover CIA agent who was trying to infiltrate the dangerous underground of illegal lounge singing, it was his expert skills on this mission, and that he was responsible for the capture of up to forty Jimmy Buffet cover bands that got him a spot on the GI Joe team. His first mission was awkwardly bumping into Dial Tone at a buffet line at a party, wearing his signature Hawaiian shirt, he successfully made Dial Tone drop the tongs for the ribs onto the floor, exposing him as a real numbskull! In the after action report, squad leader Duke said: "Aahaha oh man dude you totally made fagstache over there drop that shit lets go play some fucking volleyball!". Duke then sent Chuckles on such dangerous operations like posing as a Hawaiian Traffic Cone and blocking that one spot so he could totally park near the door of the PIT so he can be "THE FUCK OUTTA DODGE RACECAR!" by 4:45 on a Friday afternoon. After a few years of inactivity, Chuckles left the Joe team after a dispute over whether or not Hawaiian shirts we're en-vogue or not. He then developed a nasty cocaine addiction and hit rock bottom when he crashed his I-ROC Z128 into a telephone pole in Tampa Florida in 1992.

He slowly worked his way back into the music scene playing slide guitar for a Lounge adaptation of Cheap Trick called "Surrender: The music of Cheap Trick played in a Lounge". After a few months bustin' out solos on the Party Deck of "Deitrichs On The Sands" he was asked to rejoin a new subteam of GI Joe called Tactical Weapons Aerial Training, otherwise known as "T.W.A.T". This team was started by Duke so he could go around GI Joe HQ using the word twat without worrying about suffering the same sensitivity training as Crankcase did for his racially charged comment. Chuckles and the other T.W.A.T's (Dialtone, Blowtorch, Tollbooth and ROBO-Joe) first mission was stealing the Jutebox from a Bar owned by The Headman so it could have a voice recording bug placed into it, the mission was successful, but the Jutebox was never returned because Duke kept putting quarters into it so he could play "Thunder Road" repeatably, around this time The GI. Joe team disbanded and Duke entered rehab and Chuckles went back to the Village Green and continues to wait for the day when Hawaiian shirts will one day be cool again.

Man, what the fuck.

Smash The State under attack!

While I was alone making sure the snare sounded correct on "TOTO 12: THIS ONE IS ALSO ABOUT AFRICA" I learned that Smash The State's primary objective of "Make nerds angry" came true on Hisstank.com, while they gave Dr. Henry E. Miller credit for my hard work, I don't care because apparently they got very angry about Smash The State, so they visited our good site.

So to the guy who called us the "G.I.Joe Hater Bloggers" I would like to thank you for probably wasting more time on http://98oldsmobiledotgov.blogspot.com than the following people: Me, Dr. Henry E. Miller, Tom Jacks, God, Muammar Gaddafi, the guy who produced The Pretender, Chuck Biscuits, Funskool, All of our loyal readers, the dude who stole my lawnmower in 1997, Jackson Browne, the homeless drunk who once busted out the window of 1986 Toyota Tercel, Ronald McDonald, Mike Fountain, the kid from the Dubble Bubble comics,Mike Fountain, Robert Robert Watts, Stu Wilson and East Bay Ray. Because by doing that it means we win and your a nerd losing time.


Also thanks Dr. Henry E. Miller for telling that activist judge I was too busy bombing an abortion clinic to have spray painted "GANG GREEN #100" on the fence of the dude from the Pointed Sticks

MAD DUCKETS

According to this website:


http://directory.sootle.com/website-worth

We are worth $583.00

Me and Johnny Turk are gonna sell the blog to German investors and go grab a case of PBR and a ELO record and party out in a field in Wyoming for a week!

So if posts suddenly drop off, we didn't get sued by Thomas Wheeler or the guy who called us HATER BLOGGERS we cut our loses and passed out in a field near Gillette Wyoming.

Websites we do miss

Since the good doctor and Johnny Turk have covered sites we could do without, its my job to mention the ones we do miss:

YoJoe.com - While its still around, it is by all means a hollowed shell of its former self. If a website takes 10 minutes to load due to sponsor ads, you've got a problem.

TSO44.com - The website that introduced the world to stubot (for better or worse) had a small yet intresting life. Where else could you pick up 12 packs of BAT figures that no one else wanted and have them packed by a break dancing, science class teaching, TALKING ABOUT THE GAMBLER KARAOKE singing' robot. I think Stu killed Sean and sold him to some Canadiens. (Or, Canadians for you Americans.)

That one website that had a picture of Copperhead skateboarding - Enough said.

And while we're on the subject, ignore all this talk of me "getting fired". I have power of attorney here, and if they try and do that I'll send their home addresses and phone numbers to guys with names like "turbomagnus", "joezforme43" and "HammerFlist".

Websites we don't totally miss.

A little while ago my main man Johnny Turk did one of these about cool websites we miss, well Johnny is currently mixing the new Toto album and appearing in court in Vancouver for defacing the lead singer from Pointed Sticks fence, so he's busy and can't post this, so I am!

Sgt Savage's Site: Take the biggest self important douchebags from the Devils Due board, give the biggest of them all a site with zero content and a lame forum and you have this site. I think Savage got ran out of town for being a total clownshoe when everyone finally wised up and it evolved into another contentless site, Joe Battle Lines.

Covert Missions: Guys posting about toys on an "invite only" forum is much like a MENSA meeting. I've never been to a MENSA meeting, so I can only assume it's full of the types of people who wear sweater vests and listen to the Dave Matthews Band.

Eagle Eye Joe's Site: The best thing that happened to this place was the time it got hacked and said he died.

MADERIC's Dio Stories: I remember this guy posted about how his super dio was going to be so amazing, you know full of cardboard battleships and Mighty Ducks T-shirts. Then when he posted his first "chapter" it was blurry pictures that looked like they we're taken with a disposable camera.

Devils Due Forum: DOCSETH81 IS A KOOL GUY

Well thats all the ones I can think of right now, I gotta go because I probably have to drive up to Canada and bust Johnny Turk out of the metal clink.

Hey Hasbro

According to some dude on the internet apparently you guys read this site, and are going to sue us for libel or something I wasn't paying attention anyways if you sue, please remember Ralph Nader, Levar Burton, Bobby Steele, and a bunch of dudes with a lot of money will help me, and it was Tom Jacks who did that shit anyways.

Send us your questions!

Hey you butts, do you ever wonder about how many doctorates I really have? Or just why Johnny Turk cannot enter Rhode Island? Or how you can hire Levar Burton to do public relations?

Well E-mail these things to this E-mail address and maybe me and Johnny Turk will answer them.

Smash.The.State.Figure.Review@gmail.com

The Doctors Short Takes: FUCK COUNTING!

Ever notice how the coolest dudes in the Line have facial hair? 82 Rock and Roll, awesome, awesome figure, probably the best GI Joe ever made. Clutch, another awesome figure with quite possibly the best default character in the history of the line. Breaker came with awesome accessories and looked like Bob Seger during a time where Bob Seger didn't even know what Bob Seger looked like. Stalker had a mustache and was the original and only jive-soul jukebox jerrycurl brotha on the team.

I always had Clutch and Rock And Roll hanging out in Joe HQ listening to Cosmos Factory, and Breaker would do awesome stuff like have a beard and be cooler then that fagstache Dial tone.

And yet jerks want Breaker to be a boring clean shaven dork like he was in the Larry Hama Toy Commerical That Ran For Too Long. This furthers my theory that most Joe fans have no idea what cool is!

Jerks say Stupid shit this week

Well, hopefully it’s as good as last week’s.

GUYS I CAN’T HAVE FABRIC WITH MY ACTION FIGURES. I AM NOT SOME SORT OF HOMOSEXUAL!: Cobra Commander - I'll say it now, I prefer plastic capes draped perfectly. Cloth and action figures makes me feel like I have barbie dolls.

I don’t know what the hell this means: “Roadblock. He's been my bodyguard for 25 years.....”

Some dude in his “HEY I DRESSED UP LIKE THE JOKER AND POSTED IT ON THE INTERNET” thread, where he reveals his girlfriend is probably a juggalo: This is what happens when my girlfriend goes away for the weekend and leaves her makeup lying around...boredom sets in...AND THIS HAPPENS!!!DAMN HER!!!!!!!!!

INTERNET TOUGH GUY: I'd beat them to a pulp. It happens here in Socal all the time. TRU should be wise to what they have on the shelf. And be smart about what they take back as a return. I'm really shocked at WalMart though. Walmarts out here hardly have the GI Joe line.

Some guy who sure likes useless characters: “They couldn't give us Grand Slam in a single episode, but they had no qualms giving us Sparks, Ladder Trooper, and Duke's brother. Still love it though.”

Wow… You’ve wasted your time: Wow... I've reached 1,000 posts!

Some dude who totally bought the Hama is a good writer line and is now learning otherwise: I know Larry can write better stories, even under the constraints of a single issue. Look at any issue of Special Missions. I'm hoping the poor quality/silliness of these is because of Hasbro, and not Hama. Otherwise I'm not sure I want to try the new IDW series

This guy doesn’t realize that there are two types of Joe fans, the guys who read SMASH THE STATE FIGURE REVIEW and idiots: “It was to stress that there is NO STANDARD to judge fandom and to back offa people who take a different approach to collecting then you. That was the point. Capeesh?”

Dude, maybe this Hobby isn’t for you: It's really hard for me to turn down joes I see that I don't have. I start thinking..yeah I can fit this in, then a week later im wondering why Im eating a double cheese burger rather than a full home cooked meal.

Some tool on action figure toolings: “But the Viper has no downside at all, anywhere. Great design, great execution of that great design, great accessories. And great repaints and great repros (once they got rid of the BAT boots, at least).”

This is the same dude from the who’s Mike De Aco shit from last week: who is corey stinston?

HEY GUYS I’M THE REASON YOU GOT LIKE 4 HYDROFOILS IN THE 2000’S: if they were to do the killer whale they would have to remold it.. I actually own a couple of the molds to the whale.. I bought them a couple years ago on ebay...

GUYS I COULDN’T FIND MY TOYS SERIOUSLY FUCK THAT STORE!: I think they should just wrap it up. Seriously. They have nothing good, even non JOE related stuff is rare as hell. Been to 3 TRU's in three weeks and they don't have shit.

They should just go out of business.

They are not what they used to be, I have stayed the same in my collecting habits FOREVER. TRU has just been letting everyone across the board down in all aspects from every brand.

I don’t think he knows what he just said: Tough call between 'Pedo & Snow Job. 'Pedo wins though... an awesome figure.

Jesus this idea is worse than “DESTRO ARMS SALESMAN WITH HONOR”: “Destro's castle would have been cool, but for some reason, I always saw Destro as more comic book a villain than the rest, so I wanted him to have a space station fortress.”

I once read that close to 90% of people talking about sex on the internet are liars. With this guy I figure it’s 100%: I dunno about you guys-but the wife just LOVES my Cobra Commander Helmet.

This week my main man in giving me free prescriptions Dr Henry E. Miller, received a request so he passed it to me along with all my Quaaludes. So here’s stupid shit said about Issac Hayes dying:

Hmm, I haven’t met you but I could assume the same about you: “I've met Isaac Hayes and he was an @$$ hole. You'd think Chef would be a nice guy, but nope!”

This is a guy who probably works at wendy’s: “most ppl with lots of money are!”

Some guy who is an idiot, usually when someone dies dudes lie about how great they are. This guy really should have: “RIP Chef. I knew him more as Chef than Issac Hayes cause I didnt grow up to his music or saw Shaft. however, I did get to see him for all those years as chef(Before that fruity little club”

Some guy who met dudes known for making awful music. And then licensing it to professional Wrestling: [Saliva is] “Just an example of new school musicians from Memphis who aren't @$$ holes.”


Well folks, remember this, all of you are jerks for the way you voted in the latest poll, The Good The Bad The Kowalskis is a classic song, it’s up there with The Saga of Pepote Rouge, Sweet Hitch Hiker, Let’s Wreck The Party, Sun King, and Flesh Dunce.

Jerks are going to pay a lot of money for this

The Collectors Club "free" figure, ya know the one that you get for your 42 bucks you get a figure that's been released twice in sets that have been army built, now you get one that matches your 300 dollar ugly group of figures like small head Destro and glued helmet Gnawgahyde. Of course you might be one of the unlucky ones who gets sent the 12 inch "BLACK TALKING COMMANDER" I truly hope that means he can speak jive.

Stupid Things Jerks Said: SPECIAL EDITION

THIS EDITION OF STUPID THINGS JERKS SAID IS ALMOST AS RARE AS THE FIGURE THIS GUY IS GONNA BEAT HIS WIFE OVER!

"im so fucking pissed! i went to the link in time to get the 1 figure i wanted, only to find out that my wife spent all the funds on my debt card. she knows that i put x amount of dollars on it for shit like this,basically its my online gi joe purchases card. this card is suppose to be off limits to her but i can understand if it was an emergency expence like my son needing medicine or something but her theiving ass used it to have a fucking day at the spa and go to the nailshop. she just got paid,shit she makes more than me,why she got to mess with my little money? she had the nerve to say she didnt think i would mind since i never use the card and that i dont typically buy joes off line. by the time i found one of our bankcards hts was sold out. i feel like bustin her in her fucking mouth, she always fucks me out of shit and then she cops an attitude like im in the wrong."

EY DONNA DOZE IS MY FUCKINGS TOYS MONEY GET IN THE FUCWKIN CAR DONNA C'MON DONNA GET IN THE FUCWKIN CAHR!

Websites we totally miss

The Joe community has had a bunch of tools who like everything, a lot of poorly designed websites and a few that kicked a lot of ass that no longer exist or aren't updated. Here's a few I wish were still around:

Zartans Domain. Too bad a negative comment about a shitty comic got guys pissed off enough to report censored drawings of toys fucking.

The Cobra Cabana http://www.geocities.com/amazingaman/cobracabana.html the dio stories on this are better than a certain one featuring a biblepuncher, or one where HIT AND RUN ESCAPES IN THE VERMONTILLIAN RAINFOREST

Felix DeCobra's website, man this guy knew how to army build stuff, because like 12 mint and complete Crimson Guards is way better than 80 Wave 1.5 Vipers

The G.I.Joe Warfare dios, hey good stories and ya know not writing in characters because you gotta show guys you like Obscure dudes!

Extensive Enterprises, fuck I can't even remember which this site was about it's been so long.

The BADDEST MEN ON EbAY: Fuck you guys Wolves and sewer grates are the best

Raven's castings, I'd much rather have bootleged hasbro weapons that I know won't fuck my figure's hands up.

Anyways this list was a lot bigger in my head, but I totally forgot a lot of them because nowadays the community is so fractured into "Idiots" and "Regular dudes" and then the idiots have stuck themselves into Site with to many rules 1 Site With to Many Rules and an outdated Archive, and A site full of new fans and lenient moderation. And this site I hope

GOD WHEN WILL THEY STOP DESICRATING GI JOE LIKE THIS I MEAN SERIOUS ITS A SERIOUS THING THATS A *NATIONWIDE PROBLEM*

Listen chumpbuckets, I know you guys like to get your underroos all twisted and tangled because someone bought a pack, then returned it with swapped out figures, but you know theres much more important things to worry about like: Corporate Vandalism, Which Dinosaur Jr album is better, 2008 Election, Reading Smash The State, reflecting on your lame existence and Whether or not the Islanders will win more then 15 games next season.

So next time you see a Ace/Wild Wiesel pack swapped with Hat Trick Lemonade and Double Blast don't get all *FILES INTO A RAGE, PUNCHES BATMAN TOYS, IS 600 POUNDS* just go about your daily life and stop worrying about fucking toys you don't even own.

SMASH THE STATE PRESENTS: STUPID SHIT SAID THIS WEEK!

Greetings friends! Toy collectors are weird, here’s the dumbest/creepiest/funniest shit jerks have said this week:

ARGH CUSTOMER SERVICE PEOPLE DON’T KNOW MUCH ABOUT ACTION FIGURES AS ME: Just ONCE I think it'd be funny as hell if the clerk working the returns desk had a working knowledge of action figures and said (in this case for instance), "Excuse me, but this isn't Double Clutch. It's Duke. You've obviously stolen the Clutch figure and replaced it with this Duke figure which you got who knows where. Not only am I not giving you a refund for this, I'm calling security and I'm going to have you arrested for shoplifting."

Some guy with a serious problem that results in drawing (and probably masturbating to) naked lady toys: Man, I just wish there was a place on the internet for my love of Scarlett's distress.
I mean, there's girls eating poop out of each other's butts, and that's okay somewhere,
but I can't find a place for stuff that took me 20 years to learn how to do.

Some dude who likes Ambush: “Ambush was very memorable in that I always thought he was astrailian or british, I think it was the mustashe (I had only seen it on peoples from those contrys at the time). Still I liked him a great deal.”

With this attitude it’s going to stay like that: "YEAH YOU SEEN ME AT EVERY TARGET TOYS R US WAL-MART K-MART STOP N SHOP IN THE COUNTY
IM THAT GUY BUYING JOES FOR HIMSELF NOT HIS KID
CUZ I DONT HAVE ONE "

Overactive imagination, underactive brain:
watching the new mummy got me think about 2 things. wo wold win between a werewolf and a yeti? and who do you think would win between jackie chan and jet li? you can vote twice, once in the werewolf vs yeti, and once in the jackie chan and jet li.


The Mike “de aco” Fountain saga (these are all by the same guy):
“Who is Mike Fountain?”
“Why is he the baddest on ebay?what is his id?”
“Is Mike De Aco the biggest foreign gi joe collector in US?


Preety sure your incorrect: “Pretty sure these DVD box sets are the Best Joe product to hit shelves since at least 1991.”

We Tried!: “(BTW, anybody wanna hire a very reasonably priced freelance writer and photographer?)”
GOD DAMNIT I WANT MY TOYS CHEAP: “Family dollar--apparently-- has raised prices. I found two televipers, which had the $2 sticker on them, but they rang up $3 each. I didn't get to buy them because I had no cash, and their worthless debit machine was down.”

Some dude who totally underestimates the cheapness and retardation of G.I. Joe fans, and to answer his final question, everywhere: If you go to walmart or TRU right now they will have these big $100+ toys sitting on shelves. They are there..TRUST ME... NOW, if you boxxed up GOOD, BIG joe stuff..you know what..?? IT WOULD ALL BE GONE..

If hasbro got the BALLS to repack the Flagg or even better , the DEFIANT, and put $400 on it..you know what? you wouldent be able to find one...

I am just VERY disappointed with the quality and boxxed presentation of the vehicles...

Where am I going wrong here?

Hey it’s someone following the Mantra, also how the fuck are they reaching out to you if your not interested?: “Matt Trakker...while I could care less about MASK, today and in the 1980s, I DO give the design team an A+ for reaching out to make us, the collector, happy.”

That's all this week, sorry it was so long, but people are stupid!

Hasbro answers our questions!

As a blog on the CUTTING EDGE OF THE FAST PACED ONLINE INTERNET ACTION FIGURE BLOGOSPHERE (our PR guy Levar came up with that) we we're granted the RIGHT to ask Hasbro 4 questions about the GI JOE MILITARY ACTION FIGURE LINE so me and Johnny Turk knocked back a case of Natural Ice and typed up 4 questions for Hasbro, and they answered them! (Only after our lawyer Ralph Nader threatened them with a class action lawsuit)

So heres the QUESTIONS and ANSWERS about a CHILDRENS TOYLINE THAT WE LOVE SO MUCH THAT WE NEED ADVERTISING ROBOT LIPSERVICE:

Smash The State: Ee'yo Hasbro whats with re-releasing pretty much every figure from the first 25th assortment multiple times?

Hasbro: Well we figured that Joe fans have made an entire existence out of settling for less and spending there hard earned burger flipping dollars on dead end investments. So us at Hasbro Toys figured we could release the first few waves with crippling articulation problems in boxsets, then release them on single cards with some of the problems fixed, then release them repainted on single cards with most of the problems fixed while reusing the same six molds two dozen times. It's a marketing device called "Nerds will buy lame shit".

Smash The State: Hey Hasbro which Jackson Browne album is better, Running On Empty or Lives In The Balance?

Hasbro: Whichever one he wrote when he was beating up Joni Mitchel!

Smash The State: Soooo whats the deal with all these variant figures?

Hasbro: Well we figured in order to be cool like other "Collector oriented toylines" like Marvel Legends and every Star Wars figure after 1998 we needed inject chase variants so we could watch people who take toys too seriously running around getting sweaty over a Destro with a head colored black for no reason! We figured Joe fans need to look "Legit" among the pages of such cool magazines as Toyfare and Tomarts whateverthefuck.

Smash The State: So why do you guys keep giving Larry Hama a steady gig? I mean with his recent flops like the Spy Troops cartoon and those issues he did for Devils Due the guy kinda lost whatever touch he might've had.

Hasbro: Well we figure Joe fans are really into crappy old bands who stick around way past their due date, Just look at how many Metallica fans are also Joe fans! So we applied the same mentally to our new comic book. We could keep wheeling out Hama and Joe fans will keep lining our pockets!

Well there you have it folks, a Large muti-national corporation only concerned about the bottom line paid for by parents and manchilds with disposable income really does care about us!

This Weeks Stupid Shit Said By Jerks

A dude who takes his Action Figure costumes really seriously: Headhunter Stormtrooper: I've never been a big fan of this helmet.
The largest reason is I see no where for the wearer's chin to go, since the helmet slopes back where the chin should be

A dude who obviously doesn't know Joe fans very well: I just don't see why the only comeback to someone who doesn't like Marlon Wayans as Ripcord is that they're a racist. Is this some major victory for the civil rights movement! "YES! Martin Luther King Jr's dream has been realized. We've made Ripcord black!". Or maybe it could just be about the few kids who got a Ripcord toy when they were young and thought he was the bee's knees. Maybe the same people who hate the black costumes and Duke's goofy facial hair also wanted a more traditional Ripcord? Nah... It's gotta be racism. It's always racism.

Some guy who doesn't read Smash The State or the google newsgroup: Who is Mike Fountain?

This guy has learned that 90% of joe fans are like Tom Jacks: It seems like everyone else has these awesome, thorough branches of Wikipedia and the Joepedia is completely useless.

IT'S A SERIOUS HOBBY YOU GUYS I SPEND LOTS OF MONEY ON IT: And C*******... you don't deserve to call yourself a GI Joe fan. Suck it up pal. Life's rough. Get a helmet.

A dude who much perfers the guiding red lasers of Jesus and America: They killed off that many characters? Man this is why the cartoons are better.......`

Some guy with overrated taste in figures and music: Spirit looks like Johhy Cash

A bunch of comments on the Vincent Li and Tim McLean Beheading incident:
Huh. dude must have found out the other guy was a card bender and decided to fix the problem lol.

I have always felt safe in Canada for some reason. I guess it goes to show, your not really safe any where.

well, in the guys defense, the other guy should have left at least 1 bat on the peg.

Our number 1 target who's almost 50 and buys kids toys on television warnings: So I was watching some TV tonight, and a storm started to blow through, and as sometimes happens, the show I was watching was interrupted by a ribbon running across the screen, and a brief audio announcement about the storm, via the National Weather Service.

Okay, fine and well. But part of the announcement states, "This advisory is in effect for the next 40 minutes..."

Except the individual reading the announcement pronounced "minutes" as if it were "min-yoo-etts".

How in the hell can someone even get a job with the National Weather Service without knowing how to pronounce as basic a word as "minutes"?!???!

And THESE are the people keeping track of dangerous weather patterns on our behalf?

That just FILLS me with confidence...!

And this weeks AWESOME STUFF SAID BY A COOL DUDE is:Wow judging from the pole results, GI.Joe is a very serious subject, not to be taken lightly.

The Doctors Short Takes Part Duex

Don't you idiots get it that by getting your panties in a bunch over the RARE AND EXCLUSIVE FIGURRRRUZ! that we ONLY HAVE ONE CHANCE TO GETTTT! you are creating your own fucking problem and building a market for the scalpers you detest so much?

It's like junkies who hate their heroin.