Master Collector has a sure fire way to get assholes to fork over money

From The Desk Of The Esteemed Doctor Henry Edward Miller..




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Basicly Master Collector is telling people to spend money on two crappy looking figures, and this isn't exactly Kraft Mac And Cheese money, this is 78 dollars. When your the average Joe fan who makes 140 bucks a week at the Wendy's in Mt Pocono Pennsylvania or rides the bus to Wal-Mart to buy figures thats a lot of money.

And thats not for both tanks, no, thats for ONE tank.

With MC's background in shitty quality and problems mailing things out I'm sure this will go off without any problems I am 100% percent in belief of this. Wait no I'm not.

To all you people who bought this, you just walked away from the convention with the most expensive HISS driver ever made with nothing to show for it.

What a waste of a great tank.

Stupid cliched internet Joe fan ideas

Joe fans are not creative, wel they were in like 1998 but now-a-days they all think the same damn way and cool cats get ignored so everyone can listen to some hacks who like everything, have bad sense of military lingo and sure as hell enjoying throwing tons of pictures of "BATELZ IN THE TALL GRASS" at people

Anyways, now that I've got that critique of people being sheep off my chest it's time to point out things every jerk seems to do:

#1. Put all international joes into "Action Force" Yeah, I totally see Argentineans going "Sorry Margret Thatcher for that Falklands incident let's all fight terror together!" seriously if your too fucking ignorant to realize "Hey not everybody is gonna want to fight that terrorism together" maybe you should read a book instead of playing with children's toys.

#2. Customs of Female Cobra's named "Black Aria". Seriously there's like 11 better songs by Glenn Danzig to steal names from than some lame ass solo project he did. Also what the fuck is with all of these usually being females who happen to be dark skinned, why is it okay for this or Hitler customs but if someone was to do a custom of Ronald "Jermain" Reagan as a Klansman with a filecard that read "Primary Military specialty: Feeding Corporations Secondary Military Specialty:Terrorisim" there'd be a lynching?

#3. Reusing comic storylines: Serpentor causing Cobra Command to splinter and fight amongst itself while the Joes have to get involved too? I swear I read this in 1988 but now it's just got way more allusions to jesus.

#4. Not creating your own characterizations. "Gee, Mike T. says he potrays this guy as this. I better do so as well" Man, fuck this garbage, you should attempt to have the creatitivity to say "Hmm this guy has a cool idea but I should think up something for myself" and then decide that the part for part Black Vulture custom you just made and insist on calling "A Brute Negro" should be something like "Armor commander" or "Cyber Paratrooper" or something that isn't what every other goddamned person is doing.

#5. Using the Oktober Guard in your present day joeverse/Making a Chinese version of the Oktober Guard: Man, the Oktober Guard is dead and they ain't real OG's either. They didn't have a dude named "Afu" pour a 40 oz on the corner, when they got blown away in some jungle, and making a Chinese version is cool and topical now, but I've met people from China they aren't all martial artists or named "FouJou JouFou" Plus Chinese women don't wear whatever the fuck Chun Li wore on her head in Street Fighter II, sorry all you japanophiles.

#6. Making Grand Slam an important character: Yeah, what the hell is this dudes, trying to live vicariously through 4 inch hunks of plastic (OH NO TOMMY WHEELER, DON'T MAKE A POST ABOUT THIS ON THE INTERNET YELLING ABOUT HOW YOU MET SOME JERK WHO WAS ON THE MOON BECAUSE OF G.I.JOE. THE MOON LANDING WAS FAKE AND YOUR TWO MONTHS BEHIND IN THE RENT) anyways, Grand Slam is a pretty important character when he's not using his jetpack to blow up terrordromes or whatever, he's the original tertierary support character. Without him you would've had a bunch of dudes who are important, or well characterized in the 82 line, so by making him something he's not your really just hurting everyone else.

G.I. Joe is something that can be really fun and make you think when you decide not to use tired old 25 year old stories and put your own spin on things. If I had to use Snake Eyes as Superjoe the amazing silent ninja soldier, I wouldn't have been able to shape my joe world into something I found incredibly well thought out and not full of 10 of every 15 Joe characters being connected to one dude.

Recently I was left in charge of compelteing an article about the new 25th Anniversary joes by everybodies favorite Doctor. Henry E. Miller. However being a dude who's life revolves around drinking up and boogien' down and living off the backs off several in the dark women, I started and didn't finish, after getting through four or five I got bored, and then I received a message from da boss; Ralph Nader (No you angry republican joe fans, not the guy who belives in a better world, helping people and not being a complete and utter whore for corporations like the main parties) who was all "look yu guys arenent bringing dollors in the monies amounts neded. levar is gunn kil my doter" and then he told me he tried to hire a new guy saying something about how he wrote Joe Filecards. Here's his transmissions:

Mr wheeler, it has been well publicized that your FREELANCE WRITER skills are availible. would you, mr Tommy be interestored in performing writing activities for the #1 fastest rising in key democraficks (white guys who are fearing the helter skelter)

now corey you must be asking "How the monetary situation helps me?" well you will receive a per word comission, so the more you write with the more lyrical refrences to the greatest musician of all time Bruce Loose, the more money you receive. How are you mr Tomas Wheelhouse going to compare the lyrical genius of I SAW YOU SHINE to the Battle Android Trooper? I have no clue you will be paid the big bux* for it

Now you may be asking "oh noes ethel** why should I be writing for the blog/" well you must take into account our wonderful incetinve package including "1 autographed by jose cortez the lovrrr III Jeru the Damaoa t-shirt depicting Jero and WTC towa #1 on fire 5 potatoes a package of gum and a used two times copy of MCTDF 9 daddy's revenge also 1 roadpig v2. Also you may be able to forefit all but potatoes 9as americanhero dan quale taught us0 and recieve stock auctionz


also mr thomas stinson, to know how well you fit in with the high class guy of doctor minister and esquire we must know your opinions of #1 the negros 2 women 3 mister bojangles 4. professional wrestler fit finlay and #5 police brutality

about the author: I am a STS public relations department supervisor and figure "that serious business is on the internet" is how we can make money.THIS IS A REAL NOT FAKE JOB OFFER WE GOTTA CLEAN UP THE WAY TO LIBEAL MEDIA OF G.I.JOE. Help the 3 mans I hried who write good things about TIGER FROCE AND DREADKNOKZ

it was sureol 2 be reel

*talk to me about money
**is ethel your wifes name?"

Ralph said he never got a reply. but hey life is cheap so stop living for depression ha ha ha there's no place as bad as southern california the wheel gives me the flipper blues (oh oh ay oh I just made myself 80 bucks)

Sometimes, I wonder why I stay with the hobby, after all that has been pulled with both Hasbro and the community.


And then I realize why: Because of the sheer entertainment the characters provide me. And no one, especially the community, can take that away from me.

Tom Jacks, Esq.