Why I never go into Toys R Us anymore.

From The Desk Of The Esteemed Doctor Henry Edward Miller:

A few years ago, when I accually cared about GI Joe action figures and bought them in a public place, I was in Toys R Us in Riverhead NY looking at the action figure section flipping through that "HEAVY WEAPONS ASSAULT TEAM" 5-pack that was crowding the shelfs with his gayness, when I was approached from behind by something that cast a long shadow under the bright florescent lights of the store, I knew right away that I was dealing with either a large child, a large adult, either way I could smell the social ineptness.

A voice called out from behind:

"Oh do you like GI Joes too?"

So I stupidly respond:

"Yeah, I've been collecting them since the 80's.."

"OH MAN I THOUGHT I'D NEVER MEET ANOTHER JOE FAN IN PERSON"

I put that in capitals because this thing was yelling, yes, YELLING this, people in other sections in the store could hear the excited bellowing of this guy. I turned around to see his face. What appeared over my shoulder was something that could not have been less then 450 pounds, something that could not have been wearing a shirt larger then "Medium" and something that looked like he hasn't seen what a shower looks like since Reagan got shot. He must've been at least 25-28 years old, and was visibly excited that he had finally found someone who shared the same interests as him in real life.

"DO YOU LIKE THE NEW SCULPTS?"

Still yelling, loud enough that people over in the RC car isle were probably taking interest. I didn't respond for a few seconds..

"DO YOU LIKE THE NEW POST 2002 WAVE 2 NEW SCULPTS, I DO, I THINK WAVE 3 BEACHHEAD IS JUST SWELL"

I needed to escape, I tried to make a deke to the left to get around this mountain of ranch sauce, he stepped closer, I began to grow scared, I took another look at him, he was wearing a TOOL (fat music for fat people) shirt that as I mentioned before, was at least six sizes too small, and had a tattoo of a dragon on his arm/elbow/hand combo. I tried to move away from the isle, and he followed me, I moved faster, and he tried to keep up, all the while yelling:

"DO YOU WANT TO EXCHANGE E-MAIL ADDRESSES?"

And:

"MY FAVORITE COBRA IS ZARTAN!"

I knew I had an advantage, I could out run this fatty, but somehow his desire to make me into his new best friend had completely override the fact he hasn't moved above the speed of new coupon day at Carl Jr's since the early 90's. I had to get to my car, the car is my only hope, someone this socially retarded doesn't own a car, and the bus only runs every half hour.

I went out the exit with him in hot pursuit, he continued to yell stuff like "DO YOU HAVE THE AGENT FACES MAIL IN FIGURE?" "ARE YOU A MEMBER OF THE PITT MAILING LIST???" all across the parking lot!

I got into my car, and started up the motor, I put the Ronnie Wood Thunder Express Tribute Machine into gear and got out of there as fast as goddamned possible, I did 80 mph all the way out to county road 51. Then it hit me, I had my cell phone out of my pocket back when I was browsing the figures on the rack, and somewhere during that time, I had placed it down, and in the rush to escape from the joelatious blob I forgot it.

The phone had a few business numbers in it that I couldn't lose, so I made a choice to go back, like Raoul Duke driving back to Vegas in the 2nd half of Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas I had to go back and face the paranoia once more.

I pulled into the parking lot that I had sped out of only a few scant moments before, I parked as close to the front entrance as I could. Walking into the store was what my father must've felt walking into the jungles of Vietnam, the enemy could be anywhere, it could be anyone. He could be lurking behind any Polly Pocket display waiting to strike. I gingerly made my way back to the section where my phone was left, I could see it from 20 feet away, it's scuffed sliver finish glistening in the light. No sign of him, was I home free? Did he get on the bus and go back to where he came? I picked up the phone and put it into the pocket of my jeans, I breathed a sign of relief, I might be safe.

I have a habit of thinking too fast. Because from behind I heard...

"OH YOUR BACK!!!!"

Oh fuck.

"HEY MAN DO YOU HAVE A AOL INSTANT MESSAGER NAME?!?"

FUCK

"DO YOU LIKE THE BAND LINKIN PARK? THERE MY FAVORITE WHEN I MAKE CUSTOMS I LISTEN TO THEM TO GET ME READY"

No, no, what did I do to deserve this? I've never broken any laws, okay, got me there, but I never hurt anyone else, what did I do, what horrible fate have I chosen for myself!

He fat-jogged towards me, arms out like he was ready to hug me, but right before he got within arms reach, a voice called out like the gun of Jeanies father and stopped him dead in his tracks.

"Walter, WALTER GET OVER HERE"

"Awww C'monnn Mommmm"

"GET OVER HERE RIGHT NOW OR NO TV FOR YOU TONIGHT"

"Aawwwwwwww MOOOOOM!"

I stood there in stunned silence as this woman came over and grabbed "Walter" and dragged him out of sight, the whole time he protested and whined, I saw this scene play itself out all the way to the exit. I was free, I was safe, this grown mans possessive mother saved me from certain doom.

I collected myself and made my way to the exit. When I got back into my car I made a pact with myself that I would never admit to collecting toys ever again in a public place, or go into Toys R Us ever again. Because somewhere, lurking amongst the bonds that held me to my youth was a army of socially retarded Walters ready to ask me for my E-mail and what my favorite Eco-Warrior was.

I could never look at that store the same way ever again.

Joes from places not America. ALSO DR. HENRY E. MILLER IS IN THE KKK

Big Ben: Had grenades that makes him cooler than Dusty

Back Stop: Canadian, has ugly pants. Died I hope

Skymate: Pink hat? More like Manmate am i rite

Switch Gears: He comes from Columbia not Colombia. Columbia is place where people wear club monaco t-shirts and listen to Brothers Johnson songs. Colombia is where drug dealers and the CIA work

I think that was it for all the Joes that don't come from US. If your suprised remember, this is a xenophobic intolerant line of action figures designed to get stupid ass kids to join the army. At least there was more stuff than Tom Jacks.

Tom Jacks, Esq. On: The New GI Joe Movie

Marlon Wayans as Ripcord.


Marlon Wayans.



Marlon Wayans. Are you sure?

More bad fanfics from jerks

Some guy named "cobra1993rathovercraftzartanfirefly98" sent us this:


ATTAIK ON VERMONT


ZARTAN WAS LIVING IN HIS VERMONT SKI RESULT HOUSE AWAITING A PHONE CALL WHEN SUDDENLY A GI JOE RUMBLER TANK ASSAULTED THROUGH THE TALL GRASS ZARTAN THEN FIRED BACK WITH PHOTOSHOP PAINT BUCKET TOOLS BUT THE GI JOE TEAM THEN SHOT BACK WITH 22. CALIBER BIRD RATED ROUNDS, SUDDENLY ROCK AND ROLL AND FALCON APPEARED IN THE ALL WEATHER ENVIROMENT (AWE) STRIKER AND ASSAULTED THE VERMONT SKY RESORT WITH .5668 HARDBALL ROUNDS FIRED FROM A 33 MILLIMETER CANON FROM THE SIDE FLANK AGAINST THE SNAKES AND ZARTAN SUDDNELY HAD TO FALL BACK TO HIS SERCRET HIDE OUT WHIST SAYING 'AW HECK HOW DID THIS HAPPEN I MUST CALL COBRA COMMANDER AND INFORM HIM THAT THE GI JOES ASSAULTED ME THROUGH THE TALL GRASS AND DID NOT FALL FOR MY JUNGLE DISGISES ALSO ZANDAR GOT DIED"

THE GI JOES CELEBRATED THEIR VICTORY WITH UNREALISTIC DIALOG AND BRIGHT COLORS


____

Man, I'm gonna put that in for a F.L.A.G.G nomination!

Stories jerks sent us

As the leading blog in the G.I.Joe fan community, what with us being the only good one, I feel that Smash the State Figure Review a thon should hand out some fan fiction, yes, that stuff that losers wrote back in the 90's because DSL was too expensive, and they couldn't take pictures. So here's some excerpts:

"ROCK N ROLLS DAY OFF" by Anonymous

"ROCK N ROLL WAS ON LEAF AT HIS HOME. HE DECIDED TO GO BEAT UP PUNK ROCKERS AND GET SOME CHICKS. ROCK N ROLL PUT A EAGLES T SHIRT ON OVER HIS 6 PACK ABS. AT THE SHOW HE RAN AROUND FIGHTING. SUDDENLY HENRY ROLLINS HIT HIM WITH A BOTTLE AND THE FIGHT WAS ON" ROCK N ROLL TURNED AND SAID "YOU THINK YOUR HARD ROLLINS, I DRINK COCA COLA FOR BREAKFAST AND I NEVER GRADUATED FROM HIGH SCHOOL" WHILST PUNCHING ROLLINS IN THE CHEST. ROLLINS THEN SAID "YOUR A DICK ALL RIGHT" AND GAVE SGT CRAIG S MCCONNEL A CRUSHING LEFT HAND ALL OF A SUDDEN COBRA COMMAND COMMANDOS ATTACKED. AN OFFICER WITH HIS GREY UNIFORM AND SILVE FACE MASKED SHOT AND KILLED GREGG GINN WHO WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF PLAYING A MUDDIED SOLO FOR THE HIT SONG BLACK COFFEE. THE REST OF THE BAND SOON WERE KILLED, EXCEPT HENRY GARFIELD AND HE AND ROCK N ROLL USED M60S TOO BLOW AWAY THE THE COBRS. LATER THAT DAY ROLLINS JOINED G.I.JOE HIS CODENAME WAS 6 PACK"

SCARLETTS DATE by unknown

"Scarlett was in her quarters, laying out her outfit waiting for her date with G.I.Joe team leader, Duke, she stood there and slowly dried her wet body..."

there was more to this, but I ain't copying and pasting some shit some nerd wrote so that he could sustain an erection.

"???" by Tommy WHEELIN DEALIN
STEVEN:
WELL I THINK IT WAS COOL.
Dukel:
I DON'T THINK IT WAS, BUT IT HAD TO BE. CAN WE TALK ABOUT ANY THING ELSE?... PLEASE.
SNAKE EYES:
WE LIVE IN A TOUGH PLACE TO LIVE AND YOU WALK AROUND LIKE EVERY THING IS OK.
Gabriel:
WELL I AM NOT AFRAID OF THE GANGS.
ROADBLOCK:
WHAT DO YOU FEAR? (GABRIEL LOOKS RIGHT AT STEVEN AND SAYS IN A COME SEROUS VOICE.)
DUKE:
ONLY ONE THING.. DEMONS.
SNAKE EYES:
WHAT DO YOU MEAN ? (GABRIEL STILL IN HIS SEROUS TONE.)
DUKE:
WELL.. I AM HEAR TO KILL THEM. LETS JUST SAY EVIL IS EVOLVING, SO GOOD HAS TO AS WELL. (THERE ARE SOUNDS OF GUN SHOTS AND A WOMENS VOICE SCREAMING.
OV SCARLETT:
I DON'T HAVE YOUR MONEY. PLEASE GIVE ME ONE MORE DAY.
OV PIMP DESTRO:
FUCK YOU BITCH. YOUR A DEAD HOOKER. (HAND GUN FIRE 2 SHOTS) STEVEN REALIZES IT IS HIS MOTHER IN THE HALLWAY. HE GETS UP AND RUNS WHILE SAYING

Look we updated

THRASHER SUCKS AND WE DON'T CARE THE DREADNOKS FUCKIN RULE AND THRASHER DON'T CARE. TORCH IS A HOMOSEXUAL

--Excerpt from that stupid band Zartan was in in the cartoon from the bootleg "LIVE SOMEWHERE IN NEW GUINEA"

Like the dreadnoks, like the Misfits? Wear a t-shirt with a wolf? well go search for that at Wal Mart, since filesharing is BANK ROBBERY OTAY U GUYZ

Hey look we should have updated

But we didn't Henry E. Miller was too busy in minnieapolis fighting Verne Gange and Dick the bruiser DADDY!

here's the influence for Storm Shadow v25, ya know that one from the comic packin the 25th line

ALSO MEXICO is BETTER THAN SERPENTOR, take that lou dobbs