And it's gonna hit every theatre in America. There is a g.i. joe movie coming out, now most people think this is a good idea I guess, but hey they're not intelligent like me or Dr. Henry E. Miller. So we figure that the G.I. Joe fan boy spin doctors are gonna see said Joe Movie and then post about it on the internet and then do DAMAGE CONTROL when it sucks because you know war movies about AMERIKA THE BEAUTIFUL HOME OF THE BRAVE AND HOME OF THE SLAVES are gonna regurgitate all over the net. Here's our bets:
THEY DIDN'T HAVE TIMELESS CHARACTERS LIKE COPPERHEAD THATS WHY IT DIDN'T DO GOOD
GUYS LISTEN THEY TRIED TO ADAPT THE CHARACTERS TO MODERN TIMES
NO ONE CAN RELATE TOO RIPCORD BEING A BLACK AMERICAN
LARRY HAMA DIDN'T HAVE ENOUGH CREATIVE CONTROL
THE HOLLYWOOD LEFT DIDN'T ALLOW IT TOO SUCCEED
THEY DIDN'T LET THOMAS WHEELER HAVE ANY SAY, HE DID AMAZING ON THE FILECARDS
THEY PROBABLY LET STEEL BRIGADE HAVE TOO MUCH SAY F*** YOU DAVID LANE
THE ORIGINAL HYPE FOR THE MOVIE WAS TERRIBLE. NO ONE WANTS A G.I. JOE THAT ISN'T TRUE TOO IT'S ROOTS AND DOWNPLAY'S IT'S PATIROTISIM.GI JOE IS AN AMERICAN ORGINZATION NOT INTERNATIONAL
THEY DIDN'T ALLOW THEM TO WEAR THEIR ORIGINAL COSTUMEZ
there will be more but, fuck that shitty movie is like a year away and hey maybe we'll luck out and it won't ever finish, or it'll bomb so bad hasbro goes outta bidness and a bunch of fat guys get real jobs.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Sunday, May 25, 2008
More Dreadnoks as Misfits
I'm sure no one wants to read more about the Dreadnoks as the Misfits but I don't care.
Torch is Mr. Jim, they both suck
Ripper is Franche Coma which means he was involved in better things than Thrasher.
Road Pig is Robo: Both are scary don't wear shirts and probably tried to get blowjobs from 15 year olds (Go buy American Hardcore the book and read the chapter on the Misfits it's in there, I cite refrences)
Monkey Wrench is Michael Graves: He's just a clone of an old member
Gnawgahyde is lame
That's all the dreadnoks I remember if I missed any oh well, 80% of them sucked anyways. THRASHER IS AN ASSHOLE FUCKIN' CUNT
Torch is Mr. Jim, they both suck
Ripper is Franche Coma which means he was involved in better things than Thrasher.
Road Pig is Robo: Both are scary don't wear shirts and probably tried to get blowjobs from 15 year olds (Go buy American Hardcore the book and read the chapter on the Misfits it's in there, I cite refrences)
Monkey Wrench is Michael Graves: He's just a clone of an old member
Gnawgahyde is lame
That's all the dreadnoks I remember if I missed any oh well, 80% of them sucked anyways. THRASHER IS AN ASSHOLE FUCKIN' CUNT
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Stars and Gripes of Mediocrity
There was a little set in 1997 that should have been the greatest thing in history but instead it was probably the biggest case of blue balls imaginiable. It was the Stars and Stripes Forever set. It's G.I. Joe's 15th Anniversary (Look, I know there were some in the 60s but guess what only old dudes with too much goddamn money care about those, go die in a fire) so Hasbro winds up fucking things up. Funny that happened 10 years later.
Here are the original prototypes, and it looks a lot better in some areas, but worse in others:
Why does Zap/Clutch have a broken thumb? Why is Snake Eyes really just Grunt photoshopped black? Why the hell does Breaker not have a helmet. And why the fuck is Flash (it's actually grand slam) here?
The released version was quite shoddy, from helmets that did not fit. Too awful color schemes and replacement parts. The Grunt, Zap and Short Fuse figures are good for generic guys. Stalker is an amazing figure, Snake Eyes is okay too. Scarlett is for people who can only sustain an erection from looking at an ugly peice of plastic designed too get 7 year old girls to play army toys. Breaker and Rock n Roll are the worst figures ever made.
Here are the original prototypes, and it looks a lot better in some areas, but worse in others:
Why does Zap/Clutch have a broken thumb? Why is Snake Eyes really just Grunt photoshopped black? Why the hell does Breaker not have a helmet. And why the fuck is Flash (it's actually grand slam) here?
The released version was quite shoddy, from helmets that did not fit. Too awful color schemes and replacement parts. The Grunt, Zap and Short Fuse figures are good for generic guys. Stalker is an amazing figure, Snake Eyes is okay too. Scarlett is for people who can only sustain an erection from looking at an ugly peice of plastic designed too get 7 year old girls to play army toys. Breaker and Rock n Roll are the worst figures ever made.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Lets go crazy, lets go nuts, lets put on a purple bananna till our glider snaps in two!
Yes, thats a Prince reference, no It doesn't make any sense.
For every Stinger, Rattler and HISS Cobra had there was some vehicles that were well, useless. From the absurd to the impractical, lets take a look:
The Viper Glider:
Made out of the same material as a knock-off Dixie cup (Yes, they do exist) this thing came out of the box snapped in two, or exploded on contact with a particle of dust, also why the hell would cobra need gliders? They have tanks, guys with metal masks, a dude with an awesome last name and a leader who wielded a hairdryer as a weapon. The "Viper-pilot" was the original rare figure in the Joe line, and I'm happy to say mine was butchered into a custom at an early age. The joes also had one, and it was the same useless hunk of junk as the Cobra one, also it came with a tan Grunt. Who can be found with broken arms and cracked torsos thanks to all the times the glider caught a downwind and smacked into the driveway. Whoever the guy is who thought this would be a good idea is a jerk.
The Cobra Stellar Stilletto.
More like the Shitter Shitello. Okay, lemme break it down for you here, Cobra has no business in space, GI Joe has no business in space. There was nothing "Stellar" about a giant red spear shaped thing that I can't use realistically with the rest of my planes. It did have a pretty good driver though.
Cobra Battle Barge:
What happens if it gets caught on some reeds or something? This thing has no motor, just 3 guns
and a device to get HBO on illegally. I like how the boxart depicts 3 of the lamest figures ever made driving it. I guess Cobra could use this thing to fish off of.
Cobra Battle Field Robot Hovercraft:
Its a goddamned mattress with some guns! It also has the atypical cobra armament of "Lots of red missiles"
Destros Dominator:
It's a tank, that becomes a helicopter! HOW COOL! Too bad it can't hold it self up and is held together and doesn't make sense as a tank or a helicopter.
Cobra STUN:
Two guns that are way too big
For every Stinger, Rattler and HISS Cobra had there was some vehicles that were well, useless. From the absurd to the impractical, lets take a look:
The Viper Glider:
Made out of the same material as a knock-off Dixie cup (Yes, they do exist) this thing came out of the box snapped in two, or exploded on contact with a particle of dust, also why the hell would cobra need gliders? They have tanks, guys with metal masks, a dude with an awesome last name and a leader who wielded a hairdryer as a weapon. The "Viper-pilot" was the original rare figure in the Joe line, and I'm happy to say mine was butchered into a custom at an early age. The joes also had one, and it was the same useless hunk of junk as the Cobra one, also it came with a tan Grunt. Who can be found with broken arms and cracked torsos thanks to all the times the glider caught a downwind and smacked into the driveway. Whoever the guy is who thought this would be a good idea is a jerk.
The Cobra Stellar Stilletto.
More like the Shitter Shitello. Okay, lemme break it down for you here, Cobra has no business in space, GI Joe has no business in space. There was nothing "Stellar" about a giant red spear shaped thing that I can't use realistically with the rest of my planes. It did have a pretty good driver though.
Cobra Battle Barge:
What happens if it gets caught on some reeds or something? This thing has no motor, just 3 guns
and a device to get HBO on illegally. I like how the boxart depicts 3 of the lamest figures ever made driving it. I guess Cobra could use this thing to fish off of.
Cobra Battle Field Robot Hovercraft:
Its a goddamned mattress with some guns! It also has the atypical cobra armament of "Lots of red missiles"
Destros Dominator:
It's a tank, that becomes a helicopter! HOW COOL! Too bad it can't hold it self up and is held together and doesn't make sense as a tank or a helicopter.
Cobra STUN:
Two guns that are way too big
The Dreadnoks as the Misfits
Me and the fine Doctor know a lot about punk rock, that's why we don't go "There is a huge difference between the "punk look" of the 80's and the "punk look" these days" when we talk about fucking Monkeywrench. But hey we're not like most joe fans, we aren't crazy ass republicans and/or emotionally stunted man children who wind up falling back to toys because girls don't understand them or they married the first woman to give them a handjob. But hey what the fuck I'll tell you 1 guy about how the Dreadnoks could be construed as chariactures of the Misfits, a Horrocore punk band that was pretty bad, is merchandised to hell and back and has spawned a good band that has an Italian.
Glenn Danzig, he would be Zartan, they both don't wear shirts, and are a lot lamer than people think
Bobby Steele (gimpy leg an all) would be Thrasher. They have the same hair and both have a cane
Jerry Only would be Zanzibar: they both suck and have horrible hair
Buzzer would be Arthur Googy: The goog fought with Danzig over cheeseburgers, I could see that hapening with Buzzer and Zartan.
I'll do the other guys at a later date, because hey fuck you I don't want to write about homosexuals and people from New Jersey all that much
Glenn Danzig, he would be Zartan, they both don't wear shirts, and are a lot lamer than people think
Bobby Steele (gimpy leg an all) would be Thrasher. They have the same hair and both have a cane
Jerry Only would be Zanzibar: they both suck and have horrible hair
Buzzer would be Arthur Googy: The goog fought with Danzig over cheeseburgers, I could see that hapening with Buzzer and Zartan.
I'll do the other guys at a later date, because hey fuck you I don't want to write about homosexuals and people from New Jersey all that much
The Doctors Short Takes Part: 9
Hey fuck your fascist sequential numbering schemes I do what I want!
Ever notice, on any of the popular Joe message boards that some twit is pining and waxing-longingly for a reissue of some vehicle that is considered a classic. We all know well and full that Hasbro would screw the pooch with the mold like they have with any of the older complex molds like the rattler and the vaporware tanks that jerks paid way to much for. It's one thing to make the HISS over and over, that thing could be carved out of wood, but to accually think that Hasbro has all the parts to make a Skystriker or even the fucking F.L.A.G.G is retarded nostalgia for an age that never existed.
Ever notice, on any of the popular Joe message boards that some twit is pining and waxing-longingly for a reissue of some vehicle that is considered a classic. We all know well and full that Hasbro would screw the pooch with the mold like they have with any of the older complex molds like the rattler and the vaporware tanks that jerks paid way to much for. It's one thing to make the HISS over and over, that thing could be carved out of wood, but to accually think that Hasbro has all the parts to make a Skystriker or even the fucking F.L.A.G.G is retarded nostalgia for an age that never existed.
Thursday, May 8, 2008
The Doctors Short Takes Part 3:
Ever notice how almost EVERY 83 HQ you see pictures of has mysterious brown stains?
Seriously, 90 percent of 83 HQ owners probably have mysterious brown stains, so they probably don't see this as much as an issue. They simply see it as a extension of them selfs and there poor hygiene so they can FINALLY FIGHT TERRORISM.
Seriously, 90 percent of 83 HQ owners probably have mysterious brown stains, so they probably don't see this as much as an issue. They simply see it as a extension of them selfs and there poor hygiene so they can FINALLY FIGHT TERRORISM.
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Johnny Turk reviews the 25th:
As a roadie for E.L.O. I have a lot of disposable income and a lot of free time since those niggas haven't toured in like 30 years or something. Anyways I'm reviewing the 25th jerks I own:
Storm Shadow: Nigga what kinda of ninja dresses up as little red riding hood. 1/10
Red Ninja: Man what's with the ginormus fireplace poker? 4/5
Hawk: Hell yeah forgettable figure from 82, what the fuck is with the gloves? B-
Stalker: Hell yeah black guy with a mustache and a knife (you see one Willie Horton you've seen them all) this guy is good except that he should check out the skin on his hands, motherfucking wrinkly The Subhumans (9/10)
Cobra/Cobra Officer/Cobra AIR TROOPER: Not bad better than the fucking Neo Viper
Cobra Commander: Atleast his back isn't flat this time 6/10
Flash: Dude your ugly but better than Sci Fi
Grand Slam: Dude, why the fuck did they make you? 0/0
Storm Shadow: Nigga what kinda of ninja dresses up as little red riding hood. 1/10
Red Ninja: Man what's with the ginormus fireplace poker? 4/5
Hawk: Hell yeah forgettable figure from 82, what the fuck is with the gloves? B-
Stalker: Hell yeah black guy with a mustache and a knife (you see one Willie Horton you've seen them all) this guy is good except that he should check out the skin on his hands, motherfucking wrinkly The Subhumans (9/10)
Cobra/Cobra Officer/Cobra AIR TROOPER: Not bad better than the fucking Neo Viper
Cobra Commander: Atleast his back isn't flat this time 6/10
Flash: Dude your ugly but better than Sci Fi
Grand Slam: Dude, why the fuck did they make you? 0/0
BIG LOBB MAKES HIS MOVE!
Big Lobb was fucking awesome and totally deserves a figure because he's cool.
Scared white Joe fans don't like him because hes a loud black guy who's good at sports. I'd rather have him then that fucking lame-a-noid from MASK, oh wait I'm not buying those lame fucking figures I spend my money on much cooler short sighted investments, like the original 1978 printing of the Disco Sucks single.
Jesus Christ the 25th anniversary got dumber
"We got confirmation that Matt Trakker Leader of M.A.S.K. (Mobile Armored Strike Kommand) will be released as Specialist Trakker in Modern Era A Real American Hero Wave 10 or 11.
M.A.S.K. was a hybrid of popular 80's cartoons G.I. Joe and Transformers. It featured a special task force, led by Matt Trakker, with transforming vehicles engaged in an ongoing battle against V.E.N.O.M. (Vicious Evil Network Of Mayhem), with an emphasis on super-powered helmets called masks worn by the characters on the show."
HELL YEA MAN! WHEN I THINK OF THE LONG HISTORY OF G.I. JOE IT'S NOT MR FUJI ROADBLOCK. DEADBEAT DAD BEACH HEAD (MOTHERFUCKER IS WEARING SWEATPANTS) OR FUCKING THRASHER. I THINK OF MASK YA KNOW THAT GOOFY SHIT WITH CARS AND TINY ASS FIGURES AND THE CAR TURNS INTO A GODDAMN HELICOPTER!
Jesus Hasbro, swallow a horse
M.A.S.K. was a hybrid of popular 80's cartoons G.I. Joe and Transformers. It featured a special task force, led by Matt Trakker, with transforming vehicles engaged in an ongoing battle against V.E.N.O.M. (Vicious Evil Network Of Mayhem), with an emphasis on super-powered helmets called masks worn by the characters on the show."
HELL YEA MAN! WHEN I THINK OF THE LONG HISTORY OF G.I. JOE IT'S NOT MR FUJI ROADBLOCK. DEADBEAT DAD BEACH HEAD (MOTHERFUCKER IS WEARING SWEATPANTS) OR FUCKING THRASHER. I THINK OF MASK YA KNOW THAT GOOFY SHIT WITH CARS AND TINY ASS FIGURES AND THE CAR TURNS INTO A GODDAMN HELICOPTER!
Jesus Hasbro, swallow a horse
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