Even more dumb shit jerks said

This is a new weekly thing until we get bored, also it's gonna happen on Sundays instead of Monday because it's easier or something (read: I found some really stupid shit jerks said and didn't want to forget about this) so here's this week in joe stupidity:

Some guy making noise about some ugly 25thA Scarlett figure like honestly I've read this twice and still don't get it: "now we can see what's underneth scarlett's helmet and it look like she has her hair ties or twisted like a bund, I just ask the hasbro team if they can remove her helmet to see what kind of hair style does she has there. I think that is a really nice figure of scarlett, let's see how she will turn out, maybe she would fit in the gijoe/transformer continuity era."

Some guy on a 5 minute cartoon that will probably get cancelled due to the fact you can't make money on commercials for something 5 goddamn minutes long: "It's like Sigma 6 on steroids, but more "real world", more adult, and with toys at a 3 3/4" scale. It's G.I. Joe perfection in my eyes."


Some guy who is out of step with society and probably would not find the musical stylings of MDC (Millions of Dead Cops) good: "I suppose what I find funny are certain newspaper comic strips. I have quite a vast collection of book compilations of assorted newspaper comic strips. These I find funny. BC. Wizard of Id. Dennis the Menace. Get Fuzzy. FoxTrot. Dilbert. etc. These I find funny, although not all of them. I don't see how people find "Pearls Before Swine" funny, and I have no use for overtly political strips (and I wish Get Fuzzy would stop sailing into those waters)."


Some dude who thinks to change things up you should take an already bad figure and make it shittier: "If they want to release single carded versions of DVD/comic pack figures I'd want them to be signifigantly different than their previous versions. Quick Kick in parka, Slaughter's Marauders Falcon, etc.."

A guy on his terrible spending habits: "i usually spend about 300 to 400 which is much better than last year when i was spending between 1200 to 1500 a month"

Some dude who seems insecure about how he wastes his money on kids toys: "As a non-smoker, non-drinker, workaholic father of 2 kids, I think I'm entitled to a vice of my choosing that does not hurt nor affect anyone around me and at the same time, will pan out to be a financial asset (based on what I buy) going forward."

Another dude who was probably a real cool guy in High School:"I could care less what anyone says about what I spend on MY toys, with MY MONEY. I do find it funny when they try to be a smartass with the comments, but then shut them up quick, when I ask what do they have to show for $100 bucks they wasted on partying vs what I spent on my collection."

Well that's all the retardedness for this week that I could find, and remember $100 is like 10 toys, or a quarter oz a six pack and bad sex. If you chose the toys your probably married and lame or lame, or an Ian McKaye emulating jerk who likes toys instead of Lyle Preslar

Really bad G.I. Joe vehicles!

A while back Dr. Henry E. Miller criticized Cobra's vehicles like the shitter shitello, and since I doubt anyone cares about the "PIN THE BLAME ON TOM JACKS BECAUSE HE'S UNFIRABLE" legal drama plans, I'll yell at terrible G.I. Joe vehicles:

1983 PAC/RATS: Hell yeah robots man! you've got the missle launcher that would be empty in a minute, the machine gun that's got more firepower than every arctic vehicle prior to 1988, and the flame throw, because nothing says defend freedom and liberty like a robot that goes and sets people different from you on fire.

1984 S.H.A.R.C. fuck this ugly thing, it defies common sense, it's retarded and the only thing worse than this is it's driver.

1985:Silver Mirage man what the hell, it's like some old timey WWII nazi motorbike with the sidecar, and that dumbass backsheild thing aren't going to save you from the fact it's a goddamn death trap. Now i'm not a guy who does the following: Ride motorcycles, Fight a war so some old dude can get rich off my young blood, or enjoy the musical stylings of one Phil Collins, but I'm pretty sure if your on a motorbike firing a goddamn missle off it could probably cause a problem.

Snowcat: Cool an oddly shaped, useless arctic vehicle. Couldn't a gun atleast be sculpted on? Honestly after those 4 missles and 2 Ski PEDOS are fired the damn thing is useless "LOOK OUT COBRA WE'LL GET YOU WITH OUR WINDSHIELD WIPER"

Forward Observer: Fuck that tent.

1986:LCV recon sled. Yeah I totally want to drive on some weird ass thing where I have to lie on my el stomacho and look through a periscope.

Outpost Defender: Hell yeah what looks to be sheet metal, drift wood and a pile of sandbags, I didn't think the joes had THAT many hillbillies

1987 Coastal Defender: Hell yeah a shed on a trailer bed, those hillbillies sure were popular in the late 80s

Defiant: Yes those terrorists on the moon sure are gonna take us out!

Battle Force 2000's stuff, man fuck this garbage.

I could go on and on but basically it's just worse from here on out

UH OH WE'LLGET SENT TO COURT ONE OF THESE DAYS

Dr. Henry E Miller, who used his bermuda medical college degree to get 4 divorces in an hour (he's faster than motherfuckin lenscrafters) and I discussed the possiblities of lawsuits seeing how this is pretty much a site devoted to personal attacks against a few select people (a 50 year old who buys kids toys, the pope, the president and the big rock star who made a lot of money). So to make our court troubles easy we decided that in 12 years when those people finally discover this blog and decide they want our dollars, we'll use this as our defense:




As you can see Tom Jacks Esquire is a guy who will go to prison for us, he's got connections his crackerjack ass will wind up in a country club prison (HE'LL STILL GET EATEN ALIVE)

SERIOUS COLLECTORS, REALISTIC MILITARY ACTION, WILLIE THE PIMP

What better way to extort jerks out of like 80 bucks then a figure that looks like a fucking pimp:



"Eyo man you better pay up or I'm gonna take this here hair dryer and make you all unconfortable motherfucker!"

I like how Hasbro is trying to make Joe into a "LEGIT COLLECTORS TOYLINE" now that they finally got there heads out of there asses and got it nobody but 30 year olds with fast food paychecks and blood sugar problems are buying these things. So they made a shit load of CHASE FIGURES~! and BAD DISTRUBUTION~! to make Joe look legit among the ranks of toylines that take them selfs far too seriously. Now we have 80 dollar COLLECTIBLE WAR DOLLS hitting the market! Ya know I'm all for jerks spending way too much of their money on things with no retroactive value (Yes, there will be no vintage Joe market in 10 years, deal with it) but stuff like this is promoting more assholes like scalpers and jerks who send out 10 minute old carded figures to get an AFA grade like anyone cares about your lame fucking toys.

Stupid stuff jerks said this week

Please note my esteemed colleauge, Dr. Henry E Miller did all the footwork and then weasled his way out of it because apparently it's illegal to have four brides

On Semantics and stuff "I was just reading your recoil review and it is not a gripe or accosting but I do believe Wild Bill was a Lurp too"

On something I'm not sure about: "i'm actually worried about shipwreck. he was always my favorite growing up, and now i'm wondering if they'll mess him up. i mean, buttoned shirt, bell-bottoms with a sailor hat is easy enough... but what if that's not "practical" enough for them and give him a generic wet suit with a sailor hat as the exclusive? i'm kinda worried."

On how the (LIBERAL) media portrays his creed: "why do people who don't collect always stereo type us as "childish and weird" or some unshaven dude who lives in his mothers basement. i heard a guy on espn radio today going on and on about how it was childish and weird for anyone over the age of 30 to camp out to see "the dark knight". really ticked my off. there is nothing weird about having collecting as your hobby, it is just as legitimate as women who have 25 pairs of shoes, whats the real difference, or a guy who has a sports car that he tools with. "PLEASE UNDERSTAND I AM NOT DIRECTING THIS TOWARD YOUR WIFE OR HER PERSONALLY" Just the perception we all know is out there."

2 dudes on poor decisions: "I hated buying gold pimp for $40 during last day on ebay.
HAHA I would have loved to pay that!
$124.00 for me 2 months after the last Con
LOL yeah.

But back then it was expensive. i skipped lunch for a week to afford it."

On this guys fear of a lack of representation of Homosexual strong men and aliens and shit: "does hasbro have a plan to make dr.mindbender? in the 25th series?
he is crucial to the cobra ''team'' i guess u can call it. and are they going to ditch all cobra-la plot line?? i want me a Golobulus!!!!! and Pythona!!!! i know Nemesis Enforcer is out and i am hunting him down!"

Some guy on SERIOUS FUCKING WEIRD PERSONALITY ISSUES. LIKE HONESTLY WHAT THE FUCK MAN? REALLY WHAT THE FUCK WOULD MAKE YOU THINK THIS IS A THING YOU SHOULD POST ON THE INTERNET REALLY: " would love to still play with my Joes, but i just do not have the imagination anymore...i take it all way to seriosly just like inthe movies when your like, "that cold never happen"...and somehow, it always turns sexual...i'm a sicko, i know...when i first got a couple, i would pose them in various "positions" to try and give my wife hints..."

That's all for this week, please worry about Dr. Henry E. Miller, he could be going upstate for a long time

Toys R Us 6 Packs

For a while, the only way to get a decent new G.I.Joe was through the Toys R Us 6 packs, since the regular figures were body building monkey armed pinheaded macho types, with problems far greater than "GODDAMN THIS ANNHILATOR IS COOL BUT PUMPKIN ORANGE, WEAK MAN" so I'm going to criticize these 6 packs for fun some were good but did they sustain popularity? (no)


Tiger Force: First off all this set wasn't even a fucking six pack but I can't think of another mold I would want to see painted orange and blue. The 88 Tiger Force were okay figures some were bad like Lifeline and Bazooka. While others like Flint and Duke and Roadblock and Recondo were really cool. Then in the 90s Europe got 6 really ugly motherfuckers, the most useful one is Outback and he looks like Santa goddamn claus, so in 2003 when they decided to make them they used the Euro scheme. Gee thanks Hasbro.

Python Patrol: In 89 they had a really goofy idea of "let's repaint the old figures and make money!" and then decided to use 3 different colorschemes, and made the trooper unable to hold his gun, I've got five and can't get a goddamn gun in their hands fuck those guys. So in 2003 they redid them but this time instead of using cool figures like Cobra Officer and Strato Viper they used fucking Laser Viper and SAW viper and gave them a maroon and black scheme and a ton of Gold paint. They looked like prostitutes or drag queens or something

I can't remember which came next so I'm claiming it's the one with Mutt. This set was probably the best Joe set even though it had weird Steel Brigade helmets, But hey it gave the fans what they wanted, useless obscure characters who no one actually uses.

Cobra Infantry 6 Pack: This was an amazing set it featured at least one brand new part, it had everything people liked, vintage looking figures, cool colors, army builders and only army builders no Major Bludd, Destro, Jesus, Metal Head, Dreadnoks, Storm Shadow, Major Altitude or Firefly. Although the weapons sucked they were still better than some of the 2 pack figures.

Night Force: Hey let's use Funskool molds also let's give them ridiculously busy uniforms and take Tracker out and put in the British guy, but that British guy just happens to be G.I. Joe but hey what the fuck people don't care about Tracker. Also ROADBLOCK LOOKS SPOOKED

Ninja 6 pack: Hey let's pack two awesome red ninjas, a decent black ninja and a cool Storm Shadow with two AWFUL female figures with ugly ass wall paper patterns on them, because painted details work well on a figures compared to molded details on the ones in the same damn set. Also what the fuck kind of ninja weapon is a Duffel bag?

Desert Team!: Ugh, you get a lowlight made from two figures, you've got awful detailing, and terrible figures, like Dusty with a stretcher head who looks like he's got a neck brace. Or Stalker with no Mustache and random silver rings on his shoulders, also another Tunnel Rat

Uh I dunno what came next so I'll mix three Cobra profiles into one! The Crimson guard sets: 2 were the same but with a different leader Tomax or Xamot, but the CG's still sucked with their awful REMOVABLE HELMET heads that looked like a bad custom by some dude with a screen name like "COBRARATHOVERCRAFTFIREFLYZARTAN1993" "Jasongijoe" or something else stupid. Also there was one where it was 6 CG's in black (yeah, real fuckin' crimson) and Ninja weapons, seriously what the fuck?

Arctic Team: Hell yeah that guy from Battle Force 2000, in 2006. Hell yeah another Snake Eyes, and Stalker, hell yeah Lowlight's Sniper and bi-pod in the same color it was in 86, what the fuck? why is Mirage clear! hell yeah the Snowjob mold as some other guy again!, .hell yeah that guy from 1988 who was an arctic guy as Short Fuse!

Urban Division: Ugh Ninja Force Storm Shadow, ugh Firefly again, hey Scrap Iron!. For some reason this set had a ton of characters and a ton of different color schemes, atleast the Flak Viper didn't suck.

Imperial Procession: Ugly

Greenshirts: More like greenshit

Night Watch: Very disapointing would have been better if they didn't be lazy and used the 04 Trooper mold.

Yeah, looking back those 6 packs were hella goofy but some good figures came out of it.

G.I. Joe comic re-boot!

One thing a lot of joe fans have clung to since 1995 was the G.I.Joe continuity. Mainly because they've got no real personality and didn't buy health insurance until the OXY CLEAN GUY WHO YELLS A LOT started endorsing it. And now that Devils Due (dudes I never heard of prior to the joe comic) lost that license and some more guys I've never heard of got it and have decided "LOL THIS HERE COMIC BOOK WITH IT'S LAST CHOICE WRITER THAT MARVEL DIDN'T CARE ENOUGH ABOUT TO EVEN BOTHER TEACHING ANYONE ELSE ABOUT THE JOES TO REPLACE HIM" 25+ year old continuity is in need of a reboot.

Nerds hate change. So this is bad news for them, even though the new comic will be written by Larry Hama again, and jerks will still praise him as some amazing fuckin writer even though all 155 issues were to sell some goddamn childrens toys. They weren't even realistic about army problems, do you guys remember the issue where Clutch and Rock N Roll killed a bunch of Cobra soldiers and then trafficked drugs? Or the time Shipwreck wasn't allowed to serve due to the no open gays in the military rule, or the time Flash got PTSD and was shipped back home and then became homeless?

Me neither, and until they do a Joe comic that doesn't suck make mine jokes about Funskool Tripwire and Thomas Wheeler

GI JOE IS A PERFECTLY LEGIT HOBBY FOR NORMAL PEOPLE WITH GOOD JOBS AND FRIENDS wait

One year later and Joe fandom consists of 99% percent assholes, so theres no reason to stop writing about how much cooler we are then people who listen to Tool and Kid Rock and work at In And Out Burger.

Heres a list of things I've learned about Joe fans in the last year:

1. They wear stained t-shirts
2. Fat
3. They make stupid customs
4. EVERYONE IN FIREFIGHTS USES TRACER ROUNDS
5. They still have stupid opinions
6. Mike Fountain is no friend of mine
7. Reading drama from the fall of 2001 is entertaining
8. Hasbro makes a great looking Torpedo, then goes and fucks up Rock And Roll and the Viper.
9. Tom Jacks has a poor work ethic
10. Bobby Steele is an okay guy
11. Thomas Wheeler is a socially retarded manchild
12. Fat
13. Basic model building skills such as painting, masking and weathering are unheard of
14. Customizing continues to be a primitive hobby due to the fact nobody listens to good advice
15. Tall grass in Vermont is totally the jungle
16. Stu Wilson touches all the bases
17. Johnny Turk is banned from entering the state of Rhode Island for reasons that cannot be legally disclosed on a public forum
18. You're gonna pay for your stupid stickball
19. Fat
20. Jesus
21. Joe fans like horrible music
22. Working at Wendys is a socially acceptable job to have at age 38
23. Al Capone was a hoodlum
24. Size 2xl T-shirts
25. Funskool Tripwire won the rigged election
26. Fast food paychecks buy lots of shitty figures
27. TWENTY SEVEN IS A GOOD NUMBER TO END ON

Hey fuck you

Well it's been one year and me and Dr. Henry E. Miller (Who is going to fight Eric Blume in the opening round of a gay rodeo in Utah soon) have continuously half assed thinly veiled threats towards people like Thomas Wheeler, Mike Fountain, and the roman catholic church on a semi regularly basis. So thank you, you three people who have read this, your almost as big a hero as the Doctor.

Also Tom Jacks Esquire is a useless guy and I'd fire him if I knew how to.


Peace out!