2001 NEVAR FORGET

For some reason Google made a verison of there search engine that only gets results from 2001 and earlier, so I looked up "G.I JOE" in this time warp voodoo machine:


Yup, the second result is a goddamned sporting goods store that shows up before Yo Joe.

I like this a lot better then 2008!

LET'S STEAL CABLE

THIS IS AN EXPERIMENT

SO WHAT THE FUCK

Jerks are always sayin' stuff

Greetings folks, I had free time and decided it's that time again for stupid shit said this week:

Maybe instead of getting your battle barge caught in the reeds making you settle you should concentrate on something productive: "Airtight and Cobra Officer for $28.99
Outback and Night Viper for $28.99
Munitia, Lt. Flacon and Python Copperhead for $40.99
Yeah, it's a little steep. (ok, it's VERY steep!) but if you're a 25th hater like me, it's what you have to work with."

Hmm: "It would be funny if he had a high altitude sky dive mask on the first half of the movie when he flirts with her, then when she finally sees him she can say "oh i thought you were a wight guy"

Hmm, "skin color like everyone else's skin" is even more racist than the last one: "I have always wondered. Does Destro have on a yellow shirt under his black suite or is that supposed to be his bare chest? And if it is his bare chest why the heck is it yellow and not skin color like everyone else’s skin? What's the deal, yellow shirt or yellow skin?"

Yeah fuck education!: "Definitely agree on the "back to school" issue, and I haven't set foot in a school in about thirty years. But I hated it that much. How much do I still hate it? In my opinion, setting up a back to school department in the average Target or Wal-Mart -- IN EARLY JULY -- RIGHT NEXT TO THE TOY SECTION -- should be tantamount to child abuse."

DOES NOT COMPUTE: Only good stuff. Mainly Metal as it gives me the rage to hate on all the lesser crappier music such as punk and emo and mainstream (c)rap.


People like this rule, it's only jackaninny's who get upset by people caring about their health or if you like movies that suck or if you have a bad hobby: "-People who WILL NOT let you enjoy anything: Eating your favorite food? They'll come up and tell you how many calories are in it. Watching your favorite movie? They'll sit there picking out all of the inconsistencies. Enjoying your new toy purchase? They'll start in about the "ten year old Chinese kids working in a factory." And I'm not talking about people who might do something like this once in awhile, I'm talking about the people who really do seem to get some sadistic pleasure out of trying to ruin everyone's enjoyment of everything. I'm sorry you're unhappy in life, but STFU."


Well that's it, racism, hatred of the education system, jerks who let people get to them, awful taste in music, awful taste in action figures. We laughed nerds cried, all was right with the universe

Smash The State at the movies part three!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ohFLSFGr5I

"I have the AIDS cure"

"There is no mircle AIDS cure!"

Thanks to Common Tater for bringing this extremely creepy looking piece of SVHS cinema to our attention.

This is something like softcore porn, crossed with REALLY BAD DRUGS and a George Clinton record, only it ends up not as great as those three things. This video reminds me of the time me and Johnny Turk spent a night in a field with a a propane tank, a Gang Of Four record and a confused Chinese chimney sweep.

Joe sites summarized

Well I figure it's time to give any of you cats who've never visted other sites a quick synopsis of other joe related websites (remember Smash The State is the best though!)

Joecustoms: used to be decent, now full of self important dudes

Joedios: Decent but 90% of the pictures posted feature the following: Urban scenes, night scenes, Major Bludd being a bad ass, could use some other stuff

Joebattlelines: I think this spawned out of the Sgt. Savage dude's shit. That dude was hilarious as he totally called himself "Brian Savage" to confuse fucking idiots into thinking he was the Joe convention guy. Instead he was DD's MILITARY ADVISOR, and we all know how good DD's comic run was (not good at all)

Hisstank: GUYS THEY QUOTED US LET'S TOTALLY BAN THE GUY WHO DIDN'T HAVE A FUCKING THING TO DO WITH ALL THOSE QUOTES

Yojoe.com: outdated archive, messageboard with usefulness if your looking to buy junk and not swear

Broca Blutch: The best site by undercover communists, also funnier than Smash The State but worse at intermural hockey

That one site with the bible thumping Dio: That site sucks 83 Grunts with camo aren't totally bad ass dude

Generalsjoes: Revolutionary Dio Stories (in 2001)

TheJoeIndex: Imagine yojoe.com with a stupider design

QKTheatre: Not online anymore!

If there's more let me know I'm tired and don't wanna write anymore (fucking Dr. Henry E. Miller and his "Dude I'm not writing an article till you pay me for those percosets" rule)

MAJOR BLUDD'S FIRST ALBUM

In the late 80's after ruining his career as a mercenary, Major Bludd decided "SHIT MATE BEST GO BACK TO THE SONNET BUSINESS AYE" I am the proud owner of the only surviving copy here it is




Tracklist:
1.Empty Uzi Blues
2.Colonel Gadaffi owes me 670 bucks
3.Stars and Stripes of Corruption
4.Variations On The Bruce Foxton Experimental haircut machine (instrumental)
5.Sydney Street Shooting Incident
6.I Shot JFK
7.Pawn Shop Gun
8.Cobra Commander I'm Sorry
9.I shot Reagan (reprise)

More terrible joe fan movies

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EcDxJu28Ch8

I really wish the comedies I shot on SVHS in high school video class we're as entertaining as this.

Backyard hand to hand combat!

What the fuck?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rTIQVdxmyEI

I figured it would be at least six or seven more years before handi-cam shot GI Joe themed softcore porn would start emerging. I guess my calculations we're all off, I'm gonna have to amend my "GI JOE FANDOM SLIPPERY SLOPE TO BEING AS HORRIBLE AS STAR-TREK" chart now.

I was gonna make a post about stupid merchandise

But that wouldn't have been as great as this:




...OOOH WE BETTER RUN

RUN INTO THE MYSTIC NIGHT

RUN UNTIL THEY TAKE US AWAY

TAKE US AWAY

BIG TROUBLE

IN LITTLE CHINNNAAAAH

Merchandizing motherfucker!

There was a time when G.I. Joe figures were like 3 bucks and there were all sorts of other crummy stuff with the joe name on it. I'm sure most of us probably had something all these images were jacked up from YoJoe.com we're hosting them ourselves though so don't step son



G.I. Joe pinball: This thing was great my friend Bert had it, and I wanted it because it had a bad ass giant picture of Stalker. The rest aren't as great


Crayons: SCHOOL QUALITY!



G.I. Joe Valentines: I'm sure there were some joe fans who were in high school who gave these too every chick they met


FUN PONCHO: More like Lame Retarded Vinyl, also what's with the Hamburglar/old tymey criminal mask?


Bike Bar Pad: This thing is only getting mentioned because it's got a goofy ass Green Snake Eyes

INVESTMENT MERCH

When I first saw these in the glass case at the convention I wasn't sure how I felt about them, but now that I have them in my hands I can't believe how BLOWN AWAY I AM.

Wait, this site isn't ran by a Hasbro Lipservice dork!

Lets backup here for a second.

Is Hasbro really being serious here? I mean what the fuck?


Everyone knows Joe fans are total morons when it comes to managing finances and balancing importance of hobbies and will probably buy these and give them to their girlfriends and kids to GET EM STARTED EARLY IN THE PATH TO SETTLIN' FOR LESS. If this is what Hasbro means by "Making GI Joe a market contender again" I start to second guess saying "Gee I sure wish they would make new GI Joe figures" in 1999.

Hopefully next we see a colored vinyl reissue of that 12'' that had a choose your own adventure or some shit, C'mon Hasbro capitalize on Hipster monies!

EVERYBODYS WORKING FOR THE WEEKEND

Rock N Roll makes shit happen!

(Photo by Smash The State field photog Roland)

Everything is not alright, and theres no end in sight.

Theres been like 150 figures produced in 2008 alone, plus coming waves that Masturbatory Collector is PREVIEWIN'EXCLUSIVLEY ON THEY SITE FRESH OUTTA 1998. So what, thats like 20 more figures before 2008 ends, plus next year we have a movie where whole damn places EXPLODE so thats gonna get merched to fuck and back, so thats gonna get a shitload of toys like HAULING-ASS BREAKER and insensitive to other languages Ripcord. Thats gonna add up to like 250 new figures before Hasbro throws this line off the damn boat again because the movie bombed like an abortion clinic. If you're buying every last one of these figures, Hasbro has you by the Jacobs and is looking you right in the eye as they repaint that fucking Cobra Trooper figure again and shove it down your throat.

But c'mon, who doesn't want a fucking figure of Matt Trakker?

What the fuck was the point of the 25th line again?

I remember the 25th line was supposed to be redo's of all the iconic 3/34 inch G.I. Joe action figures and all, but there's been some real "what the fuck" choices, that Russian jerk, Hiss Driver, the black ninja from South America becoming a honky, Grand Slam, and the Jetpack trooper. Here's the latest one:

The Ninja Viper, a lame ass mail in i've never seen, who is now one of G.I. Joe's most important characters. Sorry Zap, the 25th line is more of a Mexican't!

Reasons why Clutch is Great

Clutch is great because he has a beard, a cool jeep and is a womanizer, heres some totally true facts about the best Joe ever:

- Clutch doesn't fuck around, one time Zap locked him out of the barracks, so Clutch dumped his old Christmas Tree on Zap's lawn.

- Clutch is Jewish and doesn't even celebrate Christmas but fuck Zap he has a dead ass tree to worry about.

- Clutch modified the radios in every Joe Vehicle to play Cosmos Factory on loop

- Clutch listens to nothing but Creedance Clearwater Revival, the only time he doesn't is when he listens to "Had To Cry Today" by Blind Faith, but thats only like once a month.

- Clutch and Rock And Roll got hired to build a shed once, but instead of building the shed, they smoked dope in the back of a van and played Nintendo, but still got paid because they got the high score in Double Dragon.

- Clutch named the VAMP "Jewish Lightning"

- Clutch cleaned out the inside of the MOBAT just to hide little slips of paper with Polish jokes on them so Steeler would get sad when he found them. "WHAT DO YOU CALL POLISH BODY ARMOR: STICKING THE TOP HALF OF YOUR BODY OUT OF THE TOP OF THE FUCKING TANK!"

- Clutch took a math test and the question asked "MARY HAS 3 APPLES AND 2 ORANGES BUT WHEN ADDED TOGETHER SHE GOT SIX, WHY IS MARY WRONG?" and Clutch just wrote down "SHES A WOMAN"

- Clutch has a helicopter full of Mr Pibb delivered to his goddamned house once a week

- Clutch was once sleeping in a bus station and got so pissed that the buses made so much noise that he designed a subway and made mad duckets from it, but declined all money and just wanted Tom Fogertys autograph instead. When they told him Tom Fogerty was dead, Clutch burnt down Ohio.

- Clutch wrote all of Neil Young's lyrics

- Clutch hung out with Warren Zevon for like six weeks not paying hotel bills and picking up strange women in North L.A, before he left Warren, he gave him the sheet music for "Excitable Boy"

- Clutch went and hung out with Fidel Castro just so he could pick up some exotic looking bitches.

- Clutch taught Neil Pert how to play drums.

- Clutch is great you jerks.

Here's a survey fill it out!

1. Why don't you vote fire Tom Jacks
a.Who's Tom Jacks?
b.Smash The State Needs a Fall Guy
c.Tom Jacks is totally stringing me along about selling my Hiss 3 drivers

2.Race Riot
a.Don't Buy it
b.Don't Try it

3.Sites better than Smash The State
a.Nigga don't be crazy
b.All of the Above

4.Sexual Prefrence!
a.Joan Jett
b.Debbie Harry
c.DON'T SIN

5.Funskool Tripwire
a.Yeah he's great
b.STRICT MILITARY REALISM

6.Figures better than Rock n Roll v1
a.None of the Above
b.None of the Above
c.None of the Above
d.C.

7.Zartan's many versions
a.Cool
b.PUNK ROOLZ NEW YAWK CITAY
c.Prostitute
d.Ugly and occasionally Clear
e.Man what's with the hockey Jersey
f.Nigga why you so sick?

8.Dr Henry E. Miller's credentials
a.He may be a doctor but I'm not letting him cut me open
b.While he's not actually Nose Ear throat and dick doctor, I'd let him cut me open
c.Mother fucker who's got a doctorate in "SPORTS MARKETING"
d.I don't trust people over the internet

9.Smash The State as a book
a. Won't buy it
b. Give me a free copy
c.I'll wait for the Broca Blutch one
d. THIS IS THE DIGITAL AGE

10.Will you do this survey?
a. No
b. Probably not
c. What's in it for me?


Well that's it folks, please put the answers in the comment section if you actually do this

This shit is giving me a Headache

You know it may have been 16 years ago the last time I took a scriptwriting class, I might just be an out of touch old man who bitterly left the video production field years ago, or maybe I'm just not an idiot, but I think "HE HAULS ASS" and "THE WHOLE DAMN PLACE EXPLODES" aren't good ways to convey action in a script. I wasn't expecting anything good, in fact I was expecting something completely awful but this, this is just embarrassing. I've read almost the entire thing unfortunately and I don't think my mind will recover for a while. It's a horrible mash up of AWFUL sci-fi buzzwords, awful action scenes and horrible dialog and character development. So please, please, do the world a favor and don't go see this when it comes out and help this movie bomb and hopefully kills off any chances of a sequel. I'm not lying when I say horrible dio stories have better dialog then this movie.

Also Cover Girl has like 2 lines of dialog before Storm Shadow kills her OH NO SPOILER ALERT.

Anyway, I'm done digging through this horrible thing, maybe Johnny Turk can take over till his brain melts too. Big thanks to the dude who sent this to us though, secret guy, you're great.

Smash The State Vs Broca Blutch intermural hockey game!

Johnny Turk scored the winning goal, and Dr. Henry E. Miller and D. Venburg both got fighting majors, but not for fighting each other, but for fighting the hotdog vendor for running out of Mr. Pibb.

Fuck that guy!

Hahaha you waited like 26 years for this?

I wonder if Josh Baylock knows they stole his awful storylines! Jesus Archibald Christ this is worse then a Thomas Wheeler filecard.

CINEMATIC GOLD:




The president wears Zubaz!





WHOA MAN

G.I. Joe Script

Well a fan of Smash The State has passed us along a copy of the G.I. Joe script and it stinks. I'm posting a couple highlights of awfulness due to the fact I haven't finished reading it, more will come my main men in the mix. Special thanks too our #1 Replacement Fan!

Duke Joins the army:





Some stupid shit about vipers

This was totally a good idea

Cobras siege on this guys Cankle enters the 16th day, WHAT IS AMERICA DOING TO STOP THIS TERRORIST ONSLAUGHT ON FAT AND REALLY POOR LIFE DECISIONS

GI JOE THE MOVIE SOUNDTRACK

Leaked exclusively to Smash The State, the track listing for the soundtrack for the SUMMER BLOCKBUSTER GI JOE: The Movie: Revenge Of Cobra: The Movie: Omega ResoluteforceDTCconvetionexlcusivemegamugg!

Track 1: Bob Segar - Hollywood Nights.
Track 2: Circle Jerks - Paid Vacation
Track 3: Mojo Nixon - Plastic Jesus
Track 4: Jello Biafra - Names For Bands
Track 5: The Minutemen - One Reporters Opinion
Track 6: D.O.A - World War 3
Track 7: Glenn Danzig - Spook City USA
Track 8: Neil Young - Cortez The Killer
Track 9: Pointed Sticks - Lies
Track 10: Stu Wilson - Untitled Track About Rock And Roll
Track 11: The Johnny Turk Romanian Boys Sound And Fury Jam Band Experience - Rock And Roll V1 Is Great
Track 12: Lovin' Spoonfull - Summer In The City
Track 13: Bob Segar - Hollywood Nights

Actually it wouldn't be that awesome it will probably have songs like CLICK CLICK BOOM HERE COMES THE GENERIC MUSIC and YA'LL GONE MAKE ME USE THIS SONG IN EVERY TRAILER EVER UP IN HERE UP IN HERE and I'M PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN WHERE AT LEAST I KNOW I'M FREE AND I'M PROUD TO MAKE MONEY OFF THE BACKS OF THE LABORERRRRRS.

Remember when G.I.Joe wasn't a serious Collector hobby

Prior to the 25th Anniversary of G.I. Joe, Hasbro marketed G.I. Joe's from 1997-2006 too jerks, cool dudes (Smash The State, it's loyal readers and a few other non jerks), some angry guys, and the nostalgic. This meant that Hasbro mainly focused on making a bunch of awful figures, lying too fans and occasionally doing something good. So there main audience was people who belived they "Really tried hard too make a figure I didn't belive that I would enjoy" as well as people who blew their money on joes because it was an easy thing to collect.

Nowadays, G.I. Joe is serious fucking business, which means not only are they still making awful figures and lying too the fans, but now they've decided to make nerds lose more money, by producing garbage like this:



That's a mighty Mugg, I have no idea what the fuck a Mighty Mugg is, but i'm sure some moron is gonna fork money over for it because G.I. Joe is now SERIOUS GODDAMN BUSINESS AND YOU GOTTA GET TWO OF EVERYTHING (One to open and put on a shelf and another to tack too your wall or put on a hook to make your house look like a fucking Wal Mart)

There's another stupid type of thing like this but I can't remember what they're called, but I do know they're godawful too and this type of expansion is only making this line easier and easier too ignore, back in the good old days of stuff we complained about but would take back in a heart beat this shit wouldn't fly

Alright jerks

Alright which one of you sexless losers was in the Toys R. Us in Times Square at about 6pm on September 10th? Looking through the Joe figurings and mumbling about "PEGGWARMERS" and "DUKE ARMS" to yourself?




Get out of my city.

Convention Exclusives!

G.I. Joe conventions tend to bring out the worst aspects of G.I.Joe, the worst of all is the exclusives so I'll look back at as many of them as I can remember or until I get bored, don't worry though I'm not gonna do anything stupid like that 1993 Backblast that got bagged and sold in like 98 or something.

James DeSimone's convention exclusives:

Cobra Infiltrate Jinx: This figure is great because it was James DeSimone getting a bunch of Jinx's and a Mickey Mouse CC Cobra symbol stencil. I bet that guy makes a batch in his garage every two years

Police Officer: What happens when you take an already ugly figure and make him a cop? A hilarious waste of Stardusters, but I suppose this motherfucker is hella rare what with regular Stardusters being like 60 bucks and these guys never show up. They'd probably go for like 200 bucks, I guess I should make some in my garage and then sell them.

Race Car Driver:I think this is the best coloring of the Ace v1 mold shame it's just a shitty custom

Master Collector Exclusives

2002: Hey remember when Vipers weren't boring and Crimson repaints weren't (really) stupid? yeah the good old days indeed!

2003: The beginning of using "obscure molds" oh well atleast this set didn't prevent any good molds from being used at retail

2004: HELL YEH DREADNOKZ It's pretty bad when the best figures are a Buzzer and Ripper with hilarious and unnoticed ripped off foreign colorschemes. Also this set is the beggining of really hilarious and overpriced other exclusives (I think there was only 1 in 03, here there's a bunch) My favorite being the fifty dollar Zubaz pants Zartan with a TBC Hawk in bad colors and a second one with new sculpt head. Didn't they make a v1 style Zartan head with a balljoint neck in 2001? Why not use that

2005: Hey like 90% of these molds would've done better at retail and not being Iron Grenadiers, seriously fuck the Iron Grenaiders those guys are overrated

2006: What happens when you take some of the lamer molds and make a bunch of fat ass troopers for Major Bludd and Overlord, who also introduces the coil, a sub par convention set, so how do you save it? Throw in a R@RE and cool South American exclusive, just ya know make it worse that the original. This is probably the worst set ever devised by these MC cats mainly due too the fact it throws all the popular Joe fan ideas together and proves they're all godawful. Wait I guess this is the best set.

2007: Some decent updates too classic characters and some cartoon characters. It's lowpoint is pretty much the female Cobra troopers. While not nearly as fucked up as a lot of customs the terrible back mold ruins those figures.

2008: DRUG DEALING ROBOTS CRACK SMACK BZZT LSD

Canadian Joe exclusives: The most expensive customs around, too bad they all suck and aren't even worth the money jerks pay for them.


So in the end, most Joe convention exclusives are terrible (much like this article) and not really worth 300 bones, but then again "HEY U GUYS THERE EXCLUSIVES THEY MIGHT SELL OUT!" which ya know rarely happens

BUY ME (my) STUFF (snake oil) PLZ

Smash The State doesn't want your money!

You see, we don't need it. We don't take GI. Joe serious enough and our readers are usually smarter then that. They wouldn't fork over money or buy our snake oil because we dropped a NIKON KOOLPIX 600004 in the toilet. Or because we totally got to go to a convention where guys eat pepperoni sticks and drink really bad coffee. No you see Smash The State takes responsibility for their actions and financial holdings, plus we own better cameras. I mean seriously my Canon 5D is practically built for abuse and gets used in harsher conditions then GETTIN REAL CLOSE TO THE GROUND and TALL GRASS ACTION STORY. If they spent as much dough on decent cameras as they did on VALOR VS VENOM REPAINT VIPER V5. they might not have to ask for handouts.

Ya know come to think of it, next time Johnny Turk gets thrown in jail for a misunderstanding (burning down Gerry Rafferty's house, blowing up Bob Rock's mailbox because Northern Avenger hasn't come out yet) we could ask you guys to post bail for us, we could use a graphic like this at the top of the page:



THEN WE WOULD BE REALLY COOL!

The Triumphant return of...

Stupid shit said this week!

Hola ese’It’s that time of the week again too find people who have said some stupid shit and post it all in one place too get laughs and get people so angry they “NEVER WANT TO SEE YOUR USERNAME ROUND THESE PARTS AGAIN” also there’s probably a few from blogs but that’s because it’s a lot easier than wading thru junk posts


A guy who is very serious about how he’s a big shot : NO site online run by a stand alone person works hand in hand with Hasbro with as much detail as he does - if so, then why doesn't yojoe.com have an exclusive figure or set once a year? JoeCanuck.com works with Hasbro - so much to the point that they are one of the VERY few sites that are now permitted to use the Joe Logos and Icons with permission from Hasbro Legal

Some dude who thinks that G.I.Joes are actually worth something: Do you have insurance on your collection? If so, who do you use? Do you even prepared for a disaster? If you know it is coming, hurricane specific here, what do you do with your collection?

Some guy who’s pulling a Rock N Roll in G.I.Joe #11: I saw that movie, although I think I was actually watching it for Amanda Bynes. What?
[sees 'She's the Man' and 'What a Girl Wants' on the DVD shelf]
Alright, so she's cute, funny, talented, and is like the last young actress to not do something to embaress herself. I think she is an incredible talent and can pretty much handle any role. She's goofy, and has great comedic timing. She is probably the funniest young actress out there, along with Anna Faris..And I think I saw the Cobra Commander figure


Some dude talking about a gijoe wiki but probably doesn’t realize joe fans are lazy and/or keep their info too themselves to be considered big shots: it doesn't suck, it is only in its infancy. It will get better the more of us that update it. We all have unique Joe related information saved on our computers or in our heads. Why don't we all get together and make it what we want it to be, instead of ripping it up for not being what you imagine it should be

Some dude who’s never read smash the state or he’d be impressed: Well I searched the internet up and down and was fairly unimpress with al of the personal Joe sites. There is always YoJoe.com and the Tank but I wanted something a little more personal.


That's all this week, jerks are spreading the stupidity thin and I ain't looking very hard

What the hell is this?

Now I've always known that Cobra wasn't supposed to be taken seriously or have a good fashion sense, but jesus christ I stumbled upon this and am left with quite a few questions. Number 1 being "Was this shit offical?"the 2nd being "Who the fuck are these jerks" after that I wondered "What the hell happened to the ARBCO Textitles and child labour factories" because these costumes suck.

So would someone please explain to me who the hell the following are?

1.Balrog from Street Fighter 2, what the hell is he doing here?

2.The guy with a turtleneck and stubble beside what looks to be Mindbender. Did COBRA decide to base a guy off the joe fans who don't have ponytails and XXXL dragon shirts?

3.That Dr. Strange looking motherfucker behind Rip It

4.That butler looking motherfucker beside Raptor

5.The bone thru the nose Vulture looking dude behind Battle Armor Cobra Commander?

6.The 12 jerks in black in the third row

7. The guy beside Decimator, did Cobra go back to 1988 and hire Glenn Danzig but remove his steroids?

8.The cue ball black chick, Bam Bam Bigelow and the other white guy beside them who are all in red

9.The guy in the stupid mask with green dreads

There's a bunch more but I don't even care anymore.

As for question #3
when the hell did Tomax and Xamot become gay superheroes
why did Major Bludd get a neck brace?
Why did Ripper and Torch get updated too look even more homosexual?
What's with all the popped collars (Slice, Tomax, Xamot, Bludd have them, and Firefly and Scrap Iron have halfassed ones)
How come of all the jerks Copperhead was the only one who went unchanged?

ADULT COLLECTABLE

Remember those DTC wave 4 figures that nobody in their right mind really gave a fuck about? Remember how nobody in their right mind really cared they never got released? Remember how nobody in their right mind wanted more mediocre repaints? Unless you liked to review things in tandem on a site with no content?

TAKE IT AWAY FRED!

Well now our friends at the serious business action figure club are trying to hock them as ADULT COLLECTIBLES!



You see they are children's toys only for ADULTS, and ADULTS are willing to pay 30 dollars a two pack with 12 dollar shipping for such exciting figures as overweight Lt. Falcon and Female Cobra Male Fantasy With Guns. Those aren't made up numbers folks, thats Masturbatory Collectors actual asking price:


Airtight vs. Cobra Officer- $28.99 Ships October
Outback vs. Night Viper- $28.99 Ships October
Lt. Falcon Vs. Munitia & PP Copperhead- $40.99 Ships January

I mean it would be one thing if they were at least hocking GOOD figures, but these are rehashes from the end of the failed new sculpt experiment. Master Collector should just come out and say it on their website:


Buy our snake oil you retarded disposable income fucks

No, he really isn't a cool character

G.I. Joe fans tend to be morons, they usually grab some obscure figure and make them their own personal Snake Eyes, it's frankly quite embarassing because for every dio story involving a really shitty Grand Slam custom blowing up something in your sandbox, there's like 90 fan fics with the exact same thing happening.

G.I. Joe's who should never be in another fan created thing again:

Grand Slam: That motherfucker is ugly and I've already given an example of his "COOLNESS FACTOR"

Hit and Run: Sure he's a cool figure but really he's the most 1 dimensional character around he likes to run and ain't got a home big whoop. Having him stuck in a giant purple prison of peril for 3 goddamn years doesn't give him a character it means your a jerk who can't write a compelling story.

Barrel Roll: Yeah I don't think a "HIGH ALTITUDE SNIPER" is going to be going behind enemy lines or anything ya know secret agent like. Seriously fuck this guy, he was a decent New Sculpt Figure but if they made him in 2001 he'd be lamer than that guy with Big Ben's torso and dial tone legs

Sure Fire: This guy might be the best figure between 1997-2004 but it doesn't mean he should be in every dio using the same 2 goddamn charcterizations, either "HARD EDGE COP WITH AN ATTITUDE THAT PUTS PEOPLE OFF" or "GUY WHO'S UNLIKABLE BUT GETS THE JOB DONE" Look we all know and hate Steel Brigade as well, but honestly don't hide it either say "THIS GUY IS AN ASSHOLE WHO IS AN INSIDER AND PROBABLY EXCHANGED SEXUAL FAVORS FOR HIS PLACE IN THE GIJCC" or make fun of him for being this David Lane:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/David_Eden_Lane

Cobra's who should never be in another fan created thing again:

Resurrected Serpentor: Ya know I don't have a problem with people who like serpentor, I have a problem with guys who don't really like him and ressurect him and have him squashed by the real CC. This also always leads to the next guy

Overlord: His filecard makes him seem like a Cobra Diehard who actually tried to make Cobra Command a stable organization. So of course everytime he shows up it's as a sniveling fuck up who is in way over his head, and winds up being second in command of "THE COIL" seriously this isn't original stop fucking doing it

Major Bludd: Read Broca Blutch they do make valid points!

There's probably more, maybe you guys can write them. Anyways joe fans should adopt new useless characters to portray as cooler than Snake Eyes, better than Duke and having sexual relations with Scarlett, Lady Jaye and Jinx; like Hardball or Clutch.

Thats goddamned right

FUCK YEAH

Cobra Vehicles that weren't retarded

Vehicles for Cobra Command have been around for like 25 years, and for the most time they were uglier than a two tone haircut. Here's a list of the ones that aren't:

1. The Rattler: anything with the purpose of mudering Steeler is awesome

2. The Stinger: Even though it's armed with "SMALL AMOUNT OF RED MISSLES" It's got a razor blade ramming bar. That's better than more headlights like that pussy vamp 2

3. The Night Raven small pod

4.The Maggot: this thing actually makes a little sense. And has a gun that could blow guys up, no missles (Seriously every fucking thing has missles those things aren't good they run out quickly) and isn't purple or driven by a guy who's got hip boots.

5.The Battle Barge: One time I decided it would be awesome to do a dio with Snake Eyes getting knocked in a river and Duke being all "HEY JUST TREADWATER" and snake eyes bangs his head and drowns. However I remembered it would be awesome to not make a dio because no one would get it and didn't want to waste my time doing that (I had a bag of cheetohs and a VHS of Perry Mason episodes)

6.The Hiss II: This thing is actually a tank, plus has a big gun. Too bad there's Red missles

7.The Rage, this thing is hilarious as it's got more guns that every cobra vehicle from 1983, and it's got a motherfucking mine layer. I have a feeling this thing is not the last Cobra thing around so those goddamn things kill more cobras than the guy from Motley Crue killed friends in car accidents.

That's it, but really I guess things good be worse for Cobra, they could have all those gay Iron Grenadiers vehicles. You'd think an organization run by some jerk who's awesome at designing guns and shit wouldn't design the TANK HELICOPTER DEATHTRAP!


Ps Big thanks to Dr. Henry E. Miller for springing me my bail, and then helping me throw that pipebomb through the St Boniface KFC drive thru. Motherfuckers you make a bunch of chicken things, I'd assume you'd have learned how to make just the chicken skin. I'll destroy a statue of Abe Lincoln if I have too