From The Desk Of The Esteemed Doctor Henry Edward Miller
1985 is considered a banner year for Hasbro and the GI Joe toyline, many of the fan favorite figures who's characters are etched into the very core of Joe mythos, figures like Shipwreck, Crimson Guard and Lady Jaye (Favorite of 25 year old sexless dorks) are considered to go hand in hand with the GI Joe line. Now the good doctor doesn't understand the infatuation with this year among fans, the figures are, lets be honest here: Average. You got a couple of kick ass figures like Footloose, Flint, The Dreadnoks, the Crimson Guard and a couple of really nice drivers, but other then that the figures go from plain average figures like Dusty, Tomax and Xamot and Frostbite (Who would be totally forgettable without his m-16). Some forgettable ones like Tollbooth and Alpine to straight down lame street: Quick Kick, Airtight, Bazooka (Why does every Joe missile specialist have to look like a pedo?) Shipwreck, Lady Jaye and Snake Eyes (Yes I went there you fanboy jerks). But today we profile perhaps the most useless Joe made as of 85': Barbecue
I first got Barbecue along with Airtight and Dusty, Dusty got regulated to the desert VAMP and only came out when I needed to do some battlin' in the pile of sand in the backyard, Airtight was killed off on his first mission and Barbecue I didn't know what to do with. He had a really cool axe, which I gave to Ripper so he could hit jerks with it, but his job was a firefighter. Why the heck would a special forces team need a firefighter? I tossed BBQ's weapons into a drawer and stuck him on my shelf and wondered what to do with him. I never needed my Joes to put out fires, so why would I need some asshole wearing a orange suit with a stupid helmet?
Then it hit me: Team him up with Blowtorch and have my very own situational comedy: Blowtorch lights fires and BBQ puts them out but what happens when they share an apartment together? Comedic conflict! Well accually I stuck BBQ and Blowtorch in the back room of the HQ and pretended they were playing Nintendo all the time with Bazooka and all the other Joe's that never went on missions.
Barbecue continued to be a background character in my childhood Joe-verse, sometimes he'd be hanging out on the Flagg or a gunner on a vehicle that would get ambushed. The much superior 1986 figures like Beachhead and Mr Fuji Roadblock got all the time on the important missions. And by the time 87 and 88 rolled around poor Barbecue was regulated to some bottom of the barrel duty like the secret shoebox base in my closet.
But why was Barbecue so forgotten and thrown to the side?
Well maybe it was his bright color, like Airtight, he conflicted with the rest of the realistically colored Joe's. It could have been his forgettable accessories, a tiny water pistol and a water tank backpack is not exactly what I call "timeless". Or maybe it was just his facelessness, the guy was wearing a sliver helmet all the time, one of the reasons I don't like Airtight. Up until then every Joe had a face, and a distinct headmold, even the repainted heads from 82 were distinct in a way, and here you have a brightly colored guy wearing a sliver helmet that looks like it belongs on a Cobra, and he's here to put out you're fires. It just did not work back then and I cannot justify having this guy in my GI Joe team now. There may not be a place for this figure in the lines history other then "Uninteresting background character" but alas, so many figures fall under that moniker, and somehow, thats fitting for this figure who was just another figure in the line, just another piece of plastic for you're parents to spend money on, just another goofy toy to talk about 23 years after the fact, but hey, any figure that allows me to use a Talking Heads lyric in the title has to be worth something right?
The Doctors Final Thoughts: It amazes me that this mold was repainted, and fittingly in one of the lines most forgettable if not the worst subset ever, It's one of those great mysteries: like having 3 different Tripwires by 1990 or the fact the Hit N Run mold was never used again or just why was 86 Roadblock smiling? We may never know, but rest assured The Doctor will not rest until these mysteries are solved. Or not.
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Monday, July 30, 2007
Focus On: Scoop
1989: The original GI Joe era from 1982-1986 had just ended, and we were in the middle of what I like to call the "second era" of the line, the years of 1986 to 1991. Between these years we had new characters that were replacements (and in some cases, supplements) to original characters, a few new molds and new looks for older characters, and some characters that were so bizarre that their origin and place would forever be cemented in the late 1980's.
1989 was toward the end of this era, and proved to be an interesting one to say the least. The previous year had introduced the first-ever sub themes: Tiger Force and Night Force. Color-coordinated repaints and releases of older favorites became immensely popular among collectors (Night Force Muskrat being a personal favorite). In 1989 Hasbro came back out with two new collections, the Python Patrol (which is possibly the most popular) and Slaughter's Marauders (which is probably the worst, considering the figures were prone to constant crotch and finger breakage). Future favorites Night Viper, Alley Viper, and another Snake Eyes came out in this year as well. Today, I'd like to profile a severely forgotten figure that came out this year: Scoop.
Ask most collectors about Scoop and you'll most likely get puzzled faces. The reason for this? Scoop was only released for one year, was never remade, and his parts were never used again. His specialty would also play into this: Scoop was essentially a journalist/field reporter.
Although his filecard claimed he had (some) military background, I never really saw him as being in any hands-on combat situations, and how he is used in the community concurs with me. As a child, I had disgarded all of his accessories (and gave them to another, perhaps boring figure) and left him with his helmet, using him primarily as a vehicle gunner. Scoop's file card art is a bit silly, if you really analyze it. A man wearing about 60 pounds of television/radio equipment, into combat, and he's only arrmed with a small pistol? A little bit unrealistic if you ask me. However, there was no harm done when it came to Scoop. I have no disdain for the character at all, and view him (at least) as an intresting addition to the Joe line-up.
Unfortunately, I have to take a cynical turn now.
Looking upon the character today, I highly doubt that someone similar today could be added to the "GI Joe" of today. My main reasoning? The bulk of the community that follows the current product hates the media. Period. If a character like this would be relased in this day and age 2007, claims of being part of the biased "liberal-run media" would be slung left and right. Gone now are the days where journalists are viewed as independents, wherenow people judge them to have a bias even before one word comes out of their mouths. (To be fair to the neckbeards, both conservatives and liberals are guilty of doing this.) And a character like this would simply be too controversial in this day and age. It would be like bringing out a doctor and have one fan mention the word "abortion", to the same effect of throwing gas on a fire. Today's world simply cannot handle something too controversial such as a "combat journalist" and its a real shame.
Perhaps, Scoop was just right for his time.
- Tom Jacks, Esq.
1989 was toward the end of this era, and proved to be an interesting one to say the least. The previous year had introduced the first-ever sub themes: Tiger Force and Night Force. Color-coordinated repaints and releases of older favorites became immensely popular among collectors (Night Force Muskrat being a personal favorite). In 1989 Hasbro came back out with two new collections, the Python Patrol (which is possibly the most popular) and Slaughter's Marauders (which is probably the worst, considering the figures were prone to constant crotch and finger breakage). Future favorites Night Viper, Alley Viper, and another Snake Eyes came out in this year as well. Today, I'd like to profile a severely forgotten figure that came out this year: Scoop.
Ask most collectors about Scoop and you'll most likely get puzzled faces. The reason for this? Scoop was only released for one year, was never remade, and his parts were never used again. His specialty would also play into this: Scoop was essentially a journalist/field reporter.
Although his filecard claimed he had (some) military background, I never really saw him as being in any hands-on combat situations, and how he is used in the community concurs with me. As a child, I had disgarded all of his accessories (and gave them to another, perhaps boring figure) and left him with his helmet, using him primarily as a vehicle gunner. Scoop's file card art is a bit silly, if you really analyze it. A man wearing about 60 pounds of television/radio equipment, into combat, and he's only arrmed with a small pistol? A little bit unrealistic if you ask me. However, there was no harm done when it came to Scoop. I have no disdain for the character at all, and view him (at least) as an intresting addition to the Joe line-up.
Unfortunately, I have to take a cynical turn now.
Looking upon the character today, I highly doubt that someone similar today could be added to the "GI Joe" of today. My main reasoning? The bulk of the community that follows the current product hates the media. Period. If a character like this would be relased in this day and age 2007, claims of being part of the biased "liberal-run media" would be slung left and right. Gone now are the days where journalists are viewed as independents, wherenow people judge them to have a bias even before one word comes out of their mouths. (To be fair to the neckbeards, both conservatives and liberals are guilty of doing this.) And a character like this would simply be too controversial in this day and age. It would be like bringing out a doctor and have one fan mention the word "abortion", to the same effect of throwing gas on a fire. Today's world simply cannot handle something too controversial such as a "combat journalist" and its a real shame.
Perhaps, Scoop was just right for his time.
- Tom Jacks, Esq.
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Foreign Figures: The Good, The Bad, The Mispronounced
Today I look at something that either pisses off collectors or dominates them, Foreign Joes, enjoy:
First up on the chopping block is "Abrute Negro" or Black Vulture, this figure looks decent, even though he's like 65% Dee Jay (AKA Space Gigolo 8000). The big problem is that when becoming a honky he also began looking fat. As a character he seems okay but I'm guessing he's some sort of paratrooper because motherfuck learning Portuguese.
I have a problem with the Black Vulture, as 90% of jerks who talk about him refer to him as "Abrute Negro" now I always hear it coming out of their mouths like so many cheeto crumbs as "A Brute Negro" and it bothers the hell out of me. The only other thing about him that is cumbersome is the number of custom figures of him of which 90% are part for part recreations (HAY I GET THIS, NERDS ARE CHEAP) or the occasional Conquistador because you know, Brazil is always the first thing I think of when I think of Spaniards coming and killing the natives of lands they find (for those of you who are slow witted, I'm being sarcastic. Brazil is Portuguese and I think of the Neil Young song Cortez the Killer)
The next one we'll look at is COBRA DE ACO; here's a guy who I think is pretty rad in character context, figure wise he's a neat looking but rather useless figure. Now I could talk about horrible customs or how R@RE AND EXPEN$IVE he is, but that shit is old hat, I'm gonna talk about how I always think of the greatest G.I.Joe board troll in history when I think of this figure.
Mike Fountain was a guy who was the BADDEST MAN ON EBAY. He spent a lot of money on Foreign Figures (like 500 bucks on a Ninja Ku). Fountain was best known for harassing Corey Stintson through e-mail over e-bay auctions and then going on the USENET board with his pal TONYMONTANA (who this modern day hero was we will never know, could have been Mike himself the e-mail addresses are mad similar) and harassing other dudes and coining the greatest name for Stintson in history "Corey Chump Stintson" the Google groups were also a dumping ground for his eBay auctions too. Mike had an ego too, such an ego that he had his own website. Straight out of 1998 with a gaudy background image, a bunch of random pictures and yellow text telling us how he's a warrior. A Warrior on the battlefield of internet auctions. Mike Fountain disappeared around 2000. I figure it's because he got signed by Ottawa, no one likes Ottawa. Rumors persist (between me, and Henry Miller) that he was the original Stiches, but that's probably a cop out answer as we all know that Stiches was the Mexican guy who lives with Tom Jacks, Esq.
The final ones I'll do today are Satan and Ninja Ku the South American Ninjas we all wish we have. I like these guys because it shows me that the Argentineans were awesome and not afraid of offending jerks and crucifucks when they weren't too busy making people disappear and killing communists and trade unionists with CIA money. Satan was rad because he shot arrows that turned into lasers and had a cool name (Whoa Danzig could have wrote a song about him man) and Ninja Ku was a black man about 20 years before Hasbro realized "HAY MAYBE WE SHOULD DIVERSIFY COBRA THEY'RE STARTING TO LOOK LIKE THE KLAN" which makes him cool in my books, he also had Nunchucks which is a sign of a good figure well, if you count any figure other than Storm Shadow v1 a good figure. Too bad jerks try to give Satan a lame PC Yellow fever name of "Sei Tin" which is goofy and the dudes who make Ninja Ku customs seem to forget he's got black skin and isn't another white guy.
On that note, it is the end. Remember if you don't want to look like an asshole say the english version of their Portuguese names, and when you do a custom do a decent one that's got some artistic license not a copy of something designed for children in Brazil.
First up on the chopping block is "Abrute Negro" or Black Vulture, this figure looks decent, even though he's like 65% Dee Jay (AKA Space Gigolo 8000). The big problem is that when becoming a honky he also began looking fat. As a character he seems okay but I'm guessing he's some sort of paratrooper because motherfuck learning Portuguese.
I have a problem with the Black Vulture, as 90% of jerks who talk about him refer to him as "Abrute Negro" now I always hear it coming out of their mouths like so many cheeto crumbs as "A Brute Negro" and it bothers the hell out of me. The only other thing about him that is cumbersome is the number of custom figures of him of which 90% are part for part recreations (HAY I GET THIS, NERDS ARE CHEAP) or the occasional Conquistador because you know, Brazil is always the first thing I think of when I think of Spaniards coming and killing the natives of lands they find (for those of you who are slow witted, I'm being sarcastic. Brazil is Portuguese and I think of the Neil Young song Cortez the Killer)
The next one we'll look at is COBRA DE ACO; here's a guy who I think is pretty rad in character context, figure wise he's a neat looking but rather useless figure. Now I could talk about horrible customs or how R@RE AND EXPEN$IVE he is, but that shit is old hat, I'm gonna talk about how I always think of the greatest G.I.Joe board troll in history when I think of this figure.
Mike Fountain was a guy who was the BADDEST MAN ON EBAY. He spent a lot of money on Foreign Figures (like 500 bucks on a Ninja Ku). Fountain was best known for harassing Corey Stintson through e-mail over e-bay auctions and then going on the USENET board with his pal TONYMONTANA (who this modern day hero was we will never know, could have been Mike himself the e-mail addresses are mad similar) and harassing other dudes and coining the greatest name for Stintson in history "Corey Chump Stintson" the Google groups were also a dumping ground for his eBay auctions too. Mike had an ego too, such an ego that he had his own website. Straight out of 1998 with a gaudy background image, a bunch of random pictures and yellow text telling us how he's a warrior. A Warrior on the battlefield of internet auctions. Mike Fountain disappeared around 2000. I figure it's because he got signed by Ottawa, no one likes Ottawa. Rumors persist (between me, and Henry Miller) that he was the original Stiches, but that's probably a cop out answer as we all know that Stiches was the Mexican guy who lives with Tom Jacks, Esq.
The final ones I'll do today are Satan and Ninja Ku the South American Ninjas we all wish we have. I like these guys because it shows me that the Argentineans were awesome and not afraid of offending jerks and crucifucks when they weren't too busy making people disappear and killing communists and trade unionists with CIA money. Satan was rad because he shot arrows that turned into lasers and had a cool name (Whoa Danzig could have wrote a song about him man) and Ninja Ku was a black man about 20 years before Hasbro realized "HAY MAYBE WE SHOULD DIVERSIFY COBRA THEY'RE STARTING TO LOOK LIKE THE KLAN" which makes him cool in my books, he also had Nunchucks which is a sign of a good figure well, if you count any figure other than Storm Shadow v1 a good figure. Too bad jerks try to give Satan a lame PC Yellow fever name of "Sei Tin" which is goofy and the dudes who make Ninja Ku customs seem to forget he's got black skin and isn't another white guy.
On that note, it is the end. Remember if you don't want to look like an asshole say the english version of their Portuguese names, and when you do a custom do a decent one that's got some artistic license not a copy of something designed for children in Brazil.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Absurd Funskool Filecards: A Caravan Of Fun!
From The Desk Of The Esteemed Doctor Henry E Miller:
Funskool, a toy company from India has been producing GI Joe figures for quite some time now, and with these figures comes some silly accessories and even sillier filecards. Often the Indian filecards are better then the Hasbro ones simply because there way more entertaining then the ones that bum that couldn't even get a writing gig before GI Joe came along ever did, when Thomas Wheeler wrote the 97/98 filecards he could have taken an idea or two from the following, because Anti Tank Canon specialists who "strenghad" there teams are way more entertaining then "COBRA TROOPERS ARE SO DUMB I DON'T KNOW HOW THEY DO STUFF".
General Flagg:
If I ever joined the military, I sure hope my specialty would be "Missile launch" because I would use my extensive training to operate missiles and annihilate those deadly Cobras, would they even stand a chance?
Zarana:
She escaped wearing a granny outfit and shortchanged a Taxi Driver, that sounds like something out of one of the later Police Academy movies, what did they send the rookie, the half blind veteran and the retard to surround this building? Who ever wrote these has a very warped perception of what an evil person is.
Dodger:
Does he keep that confusing garble of words inside the "Secret Chamber"? Its great to know GI Joe has a guy who has 3D glasses, Weather radar, Photoshop and stuff for blinding jerks.
Tunnelrat:
Tunnelrat just may be the fastest chinaman in all of country! He caused a rock slide, and boy, he sure couldn't wait to see them so he could shoot them at point blank range! I'm sure the villagers he crushed under the rockslide sure loved that one.
Tripwire:
"Hey uh Tormond..nice name by the way, okay my main man, heres your new uniform now everyone will know what your job is!"
Cutter:
Well when they predicted the battle with Cobra would continue into the next millennium also, I had no idea how they would strengthenad the GI Joe team with specialists, but thank god here comes the Anti Tank Canon expert code named as CUTTER who check mates every move of Cobras.
Phew, thats a relief!
Here at Smash The State we are all about international love, and these filecards have provided me and my business partners tens of minutes of enjoyment, and we hope they do the same for you. If your GI Joe team ever needs a member of the BOMB SQUAD or a Anti Tank Canon Expert, look towards our friends at Funskool, they got us covered.
The Doctors Final Thoughts: Strengthenad
Funskool, a toy company from India has been producing GI Joe figures for quite some time now, and with these figures comes some silly accessories and even sillier filecards. Often the Indian filecards are better then the Hasbro ones simply because there way more entertaining then the ones that bum that couldn't even get a writing gig before GI Joe came along ever did, when Thomas Wheeler wrote the 97/98 filecards he could have taken an idea or two from the following, because Anti Tank Canon specialists who "strenghad" there teams are way more entertaining then "COBRA TROOPERS ARE SO DUMB I DON'T KNOW HOW THEY DO STUFF".
General Flagg:
If I ever joined the military, I sure hope my specialty would be "Missile launch" because I would use my extensive training to operate missiles and annihilate those deadly Cobras, would they even stand a chance?
Zarana:
She escaped wearing a granny outfit and shortchanged a Taxi Driver, that sounds like something out of one of the later Police Academy movies, what did they send the rookie, the half blind veteran and the retard to surround this building? Who ever wrote these has a very warped perception of what an evil person is.
Dodger:
Does he keep that confusing garble of words inside the "Secret Chamber"? Its great to know GI Joe has a guy who has 3D glasses, Weather radar, Photoshop and stuff for blinding jerks.
Tunnelrat:
Tunnelrat just may be the fastest chinaman in all of country! He caused a rock slide, and boy, he sure couldn't wait to see them so he could shoot them at point blank range! I'm sure the villagers he crushed under the rockslide sure loved that one.
Tripwire:
"Hey uh Tormond..nice name by the way, okay my main man, heres your new uniform now everyone will know what your job is!"
Cutter:
Well when they predicted the battle with Cobra would continue into the next millennium also, I had no idea how they would strengthenad the GI Joe team with specialists, but thank god here comes the Anti Tank Canon expert code named as CUTTER who check mates every move of Cobras.
Phew, thats a relief!
Here at Smash The State we are all about international love, and these filecards have provided me and my business partners tens of minutes of enjoyment, and we hope they do the same for you. If your GI Joe team ever needs a member of the BOMB SQUAD or a Anti Tank Canon Expert, look towards our friends at Funskool, they got us covered.
The Doctors Final Thoughts: Strengthenad
Saturday, July 21, 2007
Comic Packs: A slap to the face of collectors
A lot of people talk about how the Comic Packs were Hasbro's way of reaching out to collectors, but were they really? 90% of them were terrible. Is being 100% accurate to the comics in certain areas all that good an idea? No it's not.
Tiny Heads: So you finally get a chance at an awesome version of Hawk and Stalker, after all the horrible versions since 2000 for Hawk, and 1997 for Stalker, and you get figures who look like jerks because of their tiny heads. I guess the original heads might be a little large, but the comic pack heads were so small you look like an asshole when you put them near any decent figures (01 Sure Fire, 83 Rock N Roll, Mr Fuji Roadblock)
So you think well maybe after they get their kinks out we'll get some awesome figures with good proportions and all that, then you see all the way up to issue #9 and it's all small heads, but hey Zap with the pedo 'stache looks decent compared to Hawk but still it's a little small. And hell they're going to some good issues next, They don't seem to fuck up Roadblock with the new releases he'll turn out fine.
And then you see them, and realize "They really don't care about proportions" this went on till the end, killing some really good figures like Buzzer, Ripper and stupid cowl Zartan (They should have just made the pointed forehead go down to his nose and complete the Zartan to Glenn Danzig allusions I made up with Doctor Miller last week)
Re-molds and part choices: They sure remolded some useless shit (85 Lady Jaye mold for example) and made some dumb part decisions, "Hay this 91 Hawk waist and legs look bad with the 82 torso, should we release it 4-5 times? Of course!.
Colors and appearances: You know what, the yellow wasn't too bad, a bit bright but subdued enough on Zap to be make him the only decent non-snake eyes original 13 figure, but some color schemes were bad, OrangishBrown Zartan with Batman facepaint was terrible, and what the hell was up with Grunt and his purple suit, they should have just made 2 Zap bodies for issue #4 mismatched parted figures are better than whack ass Strike First losers being impersonated by the lamest Joe from 82 not named Grand Slam
So if someone tries to give you that "Hasbro has attempted to cater to collectors" talking point, they're just goons who don't realize that Hasbro was faking that to get them to give them more money (corporations do that. They don't try hard to make things the kids and collectors can both enjoy! they don't care about there products, they care about your dollars)
Tiny Heads: So you finally get a chance at an awesome version of Hawk and Stalker, after all the horrible versions since 2000 for Hawk, and 1997 for Stalker, and you get figures who look like jerks because of their tiny heads. I guess the original heads might be a little large, but the comic pack heads were so small you look like an asshole when you put them near any decent figures (01 Sure Fire, 83 Rock N Roll, Mr Fuji Roadblock)
So you think well maybe after they get their kinks out we'll get some awesome figures with good proportions and all that, then you see all the way up to issue #9 and it's all small heads, but hey Zap with the pedo 'stache looks decent compared to Hawk but still it's a little small. And hell they're going to some good issues next, They don't seem to fuck up Roadblock with the new releases he'll turn out fine.
And then you see them, and realize "They really don't care about proportions" this went on till the end, killing some really good figures like Buzzer, Ripper and stupid cowl Zartan (They should have just made the pointed forehead go down to his nose and complete the Zartan to Glenn Danzig allusions I made up with Doctor Miller last week)
Re-molds and part choices: They sure remolded some useless shit (85 Lady Jaye mold for example) and made some dumb part decisions, "Hay this 91 Hawk waist and legs look bad with the 82 torso, should we release it 4-5 times? Of course!.
Colors and appearances: You know what, the yellow wasn't too bad, a bit bright but subdued enough on Zap to be make him the only decent non-snake eyes original 13 figure, but some color schemes were bad, OrangishBrown Zartan with Batman facepaint was terrible, and what the hell was up with Grunt and his purple suit, they should have just made 2 Zap bodies for issue #4 mismatched parted figures are better than whack ass Strike First losers being impersonated by the lamest Joe from 82 not named Grand Slam
So if someone tries to give you that "Hasbro has attempted to cater to collectors" talking point, they're just goons who don't realize that Hasbro was faking that to get them to give them more money (corporations do that. They don't try hard to make things the kids and collectors can both enjoy! they don't care about there products, they care about your dollars)
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Monkey Ams, Bowlegs And Giant Fists: How the new sculpts ruined Joe forever.
From The Desk Of The Esteemed Doctor Henry Edward Miller:
I don't know how many of you folks were around back in 2001, probably not a great many of you, most of the old timers have been driven away by the overall shit state the fandom and the figures are in. Well back six years ago (Has it really been that long?) the fandom was in a strange place, we had been getting new figures for four years, but the figure choices were strange, not in a bad way, some refreshing repaints emerged out of that strange era in Joe collecting. For guys who really dug obscure figures and characters it was a field day. The line was a shell of its former self, but somehow, Hasbro was doing something right, because the 00-01 line of figures were great. None of the figures are endearing greats like the ones from the early 80's, but almost every figure was worth buying. Even a Dialtone with flesh colored gloves and no mustache had us excited. There was news of a brand new line featuring new sculpts things were finally looking up!
Then we saw pictures of the brand new Joe Vs Cobra figures, new sculpts with NO FUCKING O-RING. From the depths of the internet where our pathetic little ring of websites is located a giant collective scream could be heard, the collectors stood up as one, the "O-Ring MIA" petition began, our Utopian vision of a new GI Joe line was crashing all around us and goddamnit we weren't gonna let them do it! Well that momentary furor died down, the fanboys went back to being fanboys, certain individuals got down on there knees for Hasbro once again, the first wave hit the stores, and it was probably the worst collective group of Joe figures to hit the shelfs at once ever. I'm being serious, not even the neon figures of the 90's or Joes dressed in giant robot costumes was this bad. We now had an entire line of figures that resembled a line of knock offs. The anger died down, the fanboys got worse and we waited.
Then pictures of "Wave 1.5" came out, and the O-ring was coming back! We had classic style figures on the shelfs again (even if it was a bunch of unspectacular repaints) and finally, Hasbro got there heads out of there asses. Maybe, just maybe, things would be good once again.
We got Wave 2, and 3 and so on and so on. Every figure was a horribly proportioned piece of garbage, we had moon boots Flint, a Beachhead that looked like some fatassed 12 year olds notebook drawing, a Mindbender who couldn't move his arms, an anemic Baroness. The entire JVC line is really one of GI Joe's black eyes, the flooding of the market with new figures (Most of them crappy repaints) and the influx of new members to the fandom diluted it, and we haven't been the same since.
The Doctor may have very well given up collecting if it wasn't for the surprisingly well done first wave of Spy Troops, even with the absurd concept, these figures were not too bad, they were a lot like the ARAH assortment from 2000, mostly obscure characters alongside brand new ones. The figures didn't look like garbage, and this lineup produced some of the nicer new style figures (Roadblock, Lab Coat Mindbender, both Destros) but as the year progressed and the line unfolded, the figures began to look terrible again, figures like Widescope, who looks like a 12 year old dressed up for Halloween. Horrible vehicles.They looked like monkeys again, and probably rightfully so, because we were about to get a whole heapin' pile of ape shit thrown in our faces.
Valor Vs Venom: FEATURING ACTION ATTACK.
I'm not touching these, I don't want to go on another four paragraphs about how bad these figures were, nothing good came from his line. Nothing. Nadda, nothing at all.
In the interim Hasbro did collectors Lip Service with a few army builder packs that were in all rights pretty nice. It proved someone at Hasbro hasn't lost it just yet. The Comic Packs had potential even if they were released to shut the collectors up.
Then the line slowly lost steam, the horrible Valor Vs Venom line played it self out, and we got introduced to Sigma Six: A complete bastardization of the Joe name, and I found myself longing for the days of Double Blast and Chameleon. If you wanted figures that weren't 8 inch peices of shit you had to order them off the internet, at last all the nerds could breath easy, they don't have to risk going out among the "mean people" who stare at them mumbling to themselfs about repaints while wiping the pork sweat off there foreheads with handi wipes from there fanny packs. What disgusted me about this was, the fandom had become so accustomed to crap on the shelfs that many of them welcomed Sigma Six, and those who didn't were driven away and ganged up on. Where was the anger that the fandom had in 2002? I guess it was buried under the direct to consumer figures that looked like uninspired customs and even those waves of figures have stopped. The GI Joe's that we grew up with and collected for many years are offically dead, and with that goes my collecting interest. The 25th Anniversary figures look like crap, all those joints will become loose and break and they are goofy as hell. Its offically a fanboys hobby now, and those who bring the alternative opinions to the message boards, I award you.
It's sad really. Who knows where the hobby will be in 10 years, let alone 5. I am preying that Hasbro finally lets the line die, maybe I'm just a grumpy old fuck.
The Doctors Final Thoughts: Not much to say here, other then: GI Joe is dead, and it was the New Sculpts that killed it.
I don't know how many of you folks were around back in 2001, probably not a great many of you, most of the old timers have been driven away by the overall shit state the fandom and the figures are in. Well back six years ago (Has it really been that long?) the fandom was in a strange place, we had been getting new figures for four years, but the figure choices were strange, not in a bad way, some refreshing repaints emerged out of that strange era in Joe collecting. For guys who really dug obscure figures and characters it was a field day. The line was a shell of its former self, but somehow, Hasbro was doing something right, because the 00-01 line of figures were great. None of the figures are endearing greats like the ones from the early 80's, but almost every figure was worth buying. Even a Dialtone with flesh colored gloves and no mustache had us excited. There was news of a brand new line featuring new sculpts things were finally looking up!
Then we saw pictures of the brand new Joe Vs Cobra figures, new sculpts with NO FUCKING O-RING. From the depths of the internet where our pathetic little ring of websites is located a giant collective scream could be heard, the collectors stood up as one, the "O-Ring MIA" petition began, our Utopian vision of a new GI Joe line was crashing all around us and goddamnit we weren't gonna let them do it! Well that momentary furor died down, the fanboys went back to being fanboys, certain individuals got down on there knees for Hasbro once again, the first wave hit the stores, and it was probably the worst collective group of Joe figures to hit the shelfs at once ever. I'm being serious, not even the neon figures of the 90's or Joes dressed in giant robot costumes was this bad. We now had an entire line of figures that resembled a line of knock offs. The anger died down, the fanboys got worse and we waited.
Then pictures of "Wave 1.5" came out, and the O-ring was coming back! We had classic style figures on the shelfs again (even if it was a bunch of unspectacular repaints) and finally, Hasbro got there heads out of there asses. Maybe, just maybe, things would be good once again.
We got Wave 2, and 3 and so on and so on. Every figure was a horribly proportioned piece of garbage, we had moon boots Flint, a Beachhead that looked like some fatassed 12 year olds notebook drawing, a Mindbender who couldn't move his arms, an anemic Baroness. The entire JVC line is really one of GI Joe's black eyes, the flooding of the market with new figures (Most of them crappy repaints) and the influx of new members to the fandom diluted it, and we haven't been the same since.
The Doctor may have very well given up collecting if it wasn't for the surprisingly well done first wave of Spy Troops, even with the absurd concept, these figures were not too bad, they were a lot like the ARAH assortment from 2000, mostly obscure characters alongside brand new ones. The figures didn't look like garbage, and this lineup produced some of the nicer new style figures (Roadblock, Lab Coat Mindbender, both Destros) but as the year progressed and the line unfolded, the figures began to look terrible again, figures like Widescope, who looks like a 12 year old dressed up for Halloween. Horrible vehicles.They looked like monkeys again, and probably rightfully so, because we were about to get a whole heapin' pile of ape shit thrown in our faces.
Valor Vs Venom: FEATURING ACTION ATTACK.
I'm not touching these, I don't want to go on another four paragraphs about how bad these figures were, nothing good came from his line. Nothing. Nadda, nothing at all.
In the interim Hasbro did collectors Lip Service with a few army builder packs that were in all rights pretty nice. It proved someone at Hasbro hasn't lost it just yet. The Comic Packs had potential even if they were released to shut the collectors up.
Then the line slowly lost steam, the horrible Valor Vs Venom line played it self out, and we got introduced to Sigma Six: A complete bastardization of the Joe name, and I found myself longing for the days of Double Blast and Chameleon. If you wanted figures that weren't 8 inch peices of shit you had to order them off the internet, at last all the nerds could breath easy, they don't have to risk going out among the "mean people" who stare at them mumbling to themselfs about repaints while wiping the pork sweat off there foreheads with handi wipes from there fanny packs. What disgusted me about this was, the fandom had become so accustomed to crap on the shelfs that many of them welcomed Sigma Six, and those who didn't were driven away and ganged up on. Where was the anger that the fandom had in 2002? I guess it was buried under the direct to consumer figures that looked like uninspired customs and even those waves of figures have stopped. The GI Joe's that we grew up with and collected for many years are offically dead, and with that goes my collecting interest. The 25th Anniversary figures look like crap, all those joints will become loose and break and they are goofy as hell. Its offically a fanboys hobby now, and those who bring the alternative opinions to the message boards, I award you.
It's sad really. Who knows where the hobby will be in 10 years, let alone 5. I am preying that Hasbro finally lets the line die, maybe I'm just a grumpy old fuck.
The Doctors Final Thoughts: Not much to say here, other then: GI Joe is dead, and it was the New Sculpts that killed it.
Friday, July 13, 2007
Man what happened to you?
From The Desk Of The Esteemed Doctor Henry Edward Miller:
Consider this a follow up to my business partner Johnny Turks post about replacements, instead of taking a look at replacement specialists we will take a look at the members of the original 13 who received new molds later in the line, and in most cases, the results were laughable. I am not including comic pack figures in this, nor the new sculpt figures.
Clutch.
The 82/83/84 Clutch is an amazing figure, and he has the best default character in the lines history, he drives a really cool jeep and hangs out with Rock N Roll.
Then he got a new mold in 1993
In the 10 years since his original figure, he shaved, traded in his green and tan for bright orange and his bitchin' jeep for some retarded APC and came with a tub of playdough that you supposedly mold around his body to protect him from the dangers of Cobras ECO WEAPONS~! (Also known as squirt guns). So instead of an awesome guy with an awesome jeep you have a dude who looks like a traffic cone who is covered in dry play dough and lint. Awesome prank, Hasbro.
I'm not even gonna mention the retarded "DOUBLE CLUTCH" new sculpt figure that came with a dune buggy or something.
Grunt:
His original figure was a generic solider, he was an every day solider, with just the right gear to get the job done.
Fast forward to 1991.
Now hes a dude wearing Razor Ramons shirt, orange pants, and hes always yelling. He reminds me of a 2nd cousin I have who lives in a trailer park in Western PA, hes married to a leather hide with legs and he has two mutant children who smell like toilets. His only redeeming factor is one Christmas he gave me a six pack of Yuengling beer, the real shit right from the brewery, then he proceeded to ruin Christmas by doing coke in my aunts bathroom with his wife and passing out behind a couch.
So yeah, every time I think of 91 Grunt I think of cousin Artie.
Zap:
He had an Egghead and played with rockets and stuff, then he grew a mustache and bought some sliver boots with rockets strapped to them. SOLIDER OF THE FUTURE.
Rock And Roll:
The original Rock and Roll mold is the best figure ever made. Period. The simple, yet effective mold has never been topped, and will never be. He had an awesome shirt with bandoleers of ammo and had a really realistic looking M-60. He played bass in a rock band and surfed and probably did bong hits behind the giant computer in the HQ.
In 1989 they released a decent mold of him with some retarded weapons, not much damage done here, but nothing will ever top the 1982 Rock And Roll. This mold was repainted in awful colors. Then he became a robot.
Then in 1997 he couldn't make up his mind about his race!
Scarlet:
Probably the worst figure of the original assortment, with her bright colors and spandex looking outfit was "updated" in 1993 with thunderthighs and another stupid outfit. She also had a grenade in a very precarious location.
The only good thing about the 1993 scarlet is the GI Joe warfare guy made a very nice custom using the head on the 97' Lady Jaye body way back in the day.
Short Fuse:
He wouldn't see another release aside from a repaint in the 97 Stars And Stripes set where his hair mysteriously was died brown (Something that happened a lot in 1997 I've noticed) until 2004, when he returned as the Downtown mold with a new paint job. Not a bad repaint, and he was in the decent Night Force set.
Stalker:
The Joe's original Jive Soul Bro was the coolest figure in 82 not named Rock and Roll. He had a unique headsculpt, a cool gun, and camouflage. Then in 1989 he traded this all in for an outfit with pants covered a mysterious brown substance and he wore a pair of oven mitts. He was Mr Fujiafied and had a huge backpack in 1991. Lonso wouldn't be done justice again until 1994, when that mold with black highlights (Not the lame yellow ones) was released. The 97 repaint is an underrated figure and if it wasn't for the shady quality of the 97 (HOLY SHIT, that was ten years ago) it would be better remembered.
Snake Eyes.
There has been 28 versions of Snake Eyes since 1982, and none of them as good as the original, with a badass Uzi and a pack of C4.
Hawk:
His original figure was plain, and came with a pretty lame vehicle, nobody who didn't read the comics probably understood that he was the leader of the Joe's. In 1986 he received the best update of all of the original 13 with a bitchin' leather jacket and nice camo pants and a pretty sweet pistol. The hair dying also helped. As the line progressed, he got a bad tan, had a huge backpack, became a space man, a robot. Changed his name again and then changed it yet again.
Really the Hawk Character has not been topped since the 86 mold, and the original was pretty damn lame to begin with so he was an improvement.
Breaker:
This poor bastard got the short end of the stick, first he got shot up by the SAW viper, then in 1997 he shaved his beard and borrowed roadblocks green Macy's vest. His original figure is one of the standout figures from the original line and despite what hamfisted comic book fanboys will tell you, beards are cooler then being shaved.
Steeler:
He was never updated until the Comic Packs, which I am not counting. His original figure is very good, despite coming with probably the lamest tank in the history of the line. Seriously the MOBAT was terrible, I blew mine up with an M-80 and Steeler drove around some knock-off tank instead.
There was also an incredibly rare variant of this figure, but that is a subject for another article
Flash and Grandslam were never updated, probably because they were so damn lame.
The Doctors Final Thoughts: The 1982 Rock And Roll will never, ever be topped, man.
Consider this a follow up to my business partner Johnny Turks post about replacements, instead of taking a look at replacement specialists we will take a look at the members of the original 13 who received new molds later in the line, and in most cases, the results were laughable. I am not including comic pack figures in this, nor the new sculpt figures.
Clutch.
The 82/83/84 Clutch is an amazing figure, and he has the best default character in the lines history, he drives a really cool jeep and hangs out with Rock N Roll.
Then he got a new mold in 1993
In the 10 years since his original figure, he shaved, traded in his green and tan for bright orange and his bitchin' jeep for some retarded APC and came with a tub of playdough that you supposedly mold around his body to protect him from the dangers of Cobras ECO WEAPONS~! (Also known as squirt guns). So instead of an awesome guy with an awesome jeep you have a dude who looks like a traffic cone who is covered in dry play dough and lint. Awesome prank, Hasbro.
I'm not even gonna mention the retarded "DOUBLE CLUTCH" new sculpt figure that came with a dune buggy or something.
Grunt:
His original figure was a generic solider, he was an every day solider, with just the right gear to get the job done.
Fast forward to 1991.
Now hes a dude wearing Razor Ramons shirt, orange pants, and hes always yelling. He reminds me of a 2nd cousin I have who lives in a trailer park in Western PA, hes married to a leather hide with legs and he has two mutant children who smell like toilets. His only redeeming factor is one Christmas he gave me a six pack of Yuengling beer, the real shit right from the brewery, then he proceeded to ruin Christmas by doing coke in my aunts bathroom with his wife and passing out behind a couch.
So yeah, every time I think of 91 Grunt I think of cousin Artie.
Zap:
He had an Egghead and played with rockets and stuff, then he grew a mustache and bought some sliver boots with rockets strapped to them. SOLIDER OF THE FUTURE.
Rock And Roll:
The original Rock and Roll mold is the best figure ever made. Period. The simple, yet effective mold has never been topped, and will never be. He had an awesome shirt with bandoleers of ammo and had a really realistic looking M-60. He played bass in a rock band and surfed and probably did bong hits behind the giant computer in the HQ.
In 1989 they released a decent mold of him with some retarded weapons, not much damage done here, but nothing will ever top the 1982 Rock And Roll. This mold was repainted in awful colors. Then he became a robot.
Then in 1997 he couldn't make up his mind about his race!
Scarlet:
Probably the worst figure of the original assortment, with her bright colors and spandex looking outfit was "updated" in 1993 with thunderthighs and another stupid outfit. She also had a grenade in a very precarious location.
The only good thing about the 1993 scarlet is the GI Joe warfare guy made a very nice custom using the head on the 97' Lady Jaye body way back in the day.
Short Fuse:
He wouldn't see another release aside from a repaint in the 97 Stars And Stripes set where his hair mysteriously was died brown (Something that happened a lot in 1997 I've noticed) until 2004, when he returned as the Downtown mold with a new paint job. Not a bad repaint, and he was in the decent Night Force set.
Stalker:
The Joe's original Jive Soul Bro was the coolest figure in 82 not named Rock and Roll. He had a unique headsculpt, a cool gun, and camouflage. Then in 1989 he traded this all in for an outfit with pants covered a mysterious brown substance and he wore a pair of oven mitts. He was Mr Fujiafied and had a huge backpack in 1991. Lonso wouldn't be done justice again until 1994, when that mold with black highlights (Not the lame yellow ones) was released. The 97 repaint is an underrated figure and if it wasn't for the shady quality of the 97 (HOLY SHIT, that was ten years ago) it would be better remembered.
Snake Eyes.
There has been 28 versions of Snake Eyes since 1982, and none of them as good as the original, with a badass Uzi and a pack of C4.
Hawk:
His original figure was plain, and came with a pretty lame vehicle, nobody who didn't read the comics probably understood that he was the leader of the Joe's. In 1986 he received the best update of all of the original 13 with a bitchin' leather jacket and nice camo pants and a pretty sweet pistol. The hair dying also helped. As the line progressed, he got a bad tan, had a huge backpack, became a space man, a robot. Changed his name again and then changed it yet again.
Really the Hawk Character has not been topped since the 86 mold, and the original was pretty damn lame to begin with so he was an improvement.
Breaker:
This poor bastard got the short end of the stick, first he got shot up by the SAW viper, then in 1997 he shaved his beard and borrowed roadblocks green Macy's vest. His original figure is one of the standout figures from the original line and despite what hamfisted comic book fanboys will tell you, beards are cooler then being shaved.
Steeler:
He was never updated until the Comic Packs, which I am not counting. His original figure is very good, despite coming with probably the lamest tank in the history of the line. Seriously the MOBAT was terrible, I blew mine up with an M-80 and Steeler drove around some knock-off tank instead.
There was also an incredibly rare variant of this figure, but that is a subject for another article
Flash and Grandslam were never updated, probably because they were so damn lame.
The Doctors Final Thoughts: The 1982 Rock And Roll will never, ever be topped, man.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
A group of sexless nerds determined to rule the world!
From the desk of the esteemed Doctor Henry Edward Miller:
The newest way for Master Collector to extort peoples money was reveled today:
http://www.mastercollector.com/neat/gijoe/atlanta/RAHpreview.cfm
Apparently Cobra is hiring BSDM sluts to handle there missions of killing innocents, stealing money and creating unpractical super weapons. Instead of realistic action figures, we get some dorks wet dream.
The Doctors Final Thoughts: The Joe vehicle drivers could save this set, I'm sure you could make after market money selling the female troopers to virgins.
The newest way for Master Collector to extort peoples money was reveled today:
http://www.mastercollector.com/neat/gijoe/atlanta/RAHpreview.cfm
Apparently Cobra is hiring BSDM sluts to handle there missions of killing innocents, stealing money and creating unpractical super weapons. Instead of realistic action figures, we get some dorks wet dream.
The Doctors Final Thoughts: The Joe vehicle drivers could save this set, I'm sure you could make after market money selling the female troopers to virgins.
Monday, July 9, 2007
This Is What You Get When You GIS G.I. Joe
The Google image search tool can prove to be handy at times. It can also give some intresting (and unexpected) results. Let's take a look, shall we?
Oh geez, we're already starting off on the wrong foot. Chalk up a victory to the lonely men.
Looks like our AT Commander got in a fight with some Mexicans.
(If you don't get it, HE GOT STABBED SEVERAL TIMES, THEY STAB)
The AT Commander at a happier time, during his MySpace years.
What's a better Halloween costume then slaping some mud and paint on your child's face and then making him wear pants with way too many pockets? Who would actually by this for their child?
White guy with bad tattoo, bad facepaint, and drinking a crappy light beer?
HE'S ALL MAN, LADIES
Webcomics don't suck at all, what are you talking about?
And lastly:
DAMMIT NERDS, NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU WANT THIS WILL
NEVER, NEVER, EVER HAPPEN JUST MOVE ON
And please put away your damn Decepticon/Cobra logo t-shirts.
White guy with bad tattoo, bad facepaint, and drinking a crappy light beer?HE'S ALL MAN, LADIES
Webcomics don't suck at all, what are you talking about?And lastly:
DAMMIT NERDS, NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU WANT THIS WILLNEVER, NEVER, EVER HAPPEN JUST MOVE ON
And please put away your damn Decepticon/Cobra logo t-shirts.
Sunday, July 8, 2007
The Replacements- More like the money grubbing move to make more jerks buy stuff
A look at the Joes of 1982 and their replacements:
A while back a internet message board had a thread about unpopular opinions on G.I. Joe, a lot of jerks made comments on how 1982 was bad, but were they right read more to find out, and if you don't want to; the answer is "No"
Clutch and Crankcase: Clutch was a scuzzball greaser, Crankcase was some dude with anger problems unless he was driving fast. So I dunno about you, but I'd rather hang out with a dude with a beard and was fun loving and could get you chicks, than some angry speed-freak with a mustache. Also, why the hell did Crankcase wear a sweater?
Snake Eyes and Snake Eyes: This one is kind of a predicament, it's the same dude but in 82 he was a commando and not a ninja, ninjas are lame especially when they're white dudes (Chris Farley I'm looking at you) so it's a draw because it's the same dude with a sword and a ugly head, man they should have made Snake Eyes a cobra spy or something fuck that jerk
Rock and Roll and Mr Fuji Roadblock: This one is a real stretch, since Roadblock didn't technically replace RnR, but they popped another RB out in '86 as the heavy machine gunner. Roadblock was a good character, but Rock and Roll played Bass and surfed so he was just as cool, so I'm gonna compare the figures, the first Rock and Roll had awesome bandoliers and was different from most of the other 82's, Roadblock looked like Mr. Fuji and had an ugly ass vest. I guess if your full of rare figures and such, you could put a 92 Roadblock head on a 1997 "Whitest dude in the entire set is now a black man" Rock and Roll, since that mold is well colored for once.
Breaker and Dial Tone: Breaker had character traits like bubble gum chewing, Dial Tone didn't have anything, in fact it seems like Dial Tone just spent all his time with radios and shit and couldn't get a real job. Why the hell did all the bearded headed 82's get replaced by dudes with mustaches?
Grand Slam and Starduster: This is a fair one since both were unused by all media, and fans like them both. Grand Slam was a nerd who probably had a 2112 shirt, Starduster was a circus jerk who probably had a "Byrdz 1980 county fairwell tour (thats a joke about dead careers and prog and shit), and both were useless. Jet-packs aren't viable in 2007 definitely not in the mid 80's
Flash and Sci-Fi: Flash was a dude with a cool laser and didn't look like a spaceman. Sci-Fi was a dude with sudden bouts of paralysis. Flash wins because he wasn't neon
Stalker and Beach Head: Stalker was some dude who was in a gang and was good at fighting terrorism and them VC's. Beach Head was a dude who didn't get angry according to his filecard, but I'm positive that dude was angry all the time in the cartoon. Stalker didn't wear sweatpants so he beats Beach Head.
Short Fuze was a lucky man, he didn't get replaced till like 1989 or something I'm only going to 86, I ain't a chump.
Hawk became General Hawk and dyed his hair. Self-Hating Aryans are the worst.
Zap and Bazooka: Zap was a dude who very ugly and had a light green set of fatigues. Bazooka had a goddamned football jersey in bright red! Bazooka was depicted as a moronic overweight man, while Zap was a hispanic dude with bad jokes. Who the christ would take Bazooka over Zap?
Steeler and Heavy Metal: Heavy Metal was a good figure so was Steeler. However Steeler has something against him, he comes from a place with all the draculas, fuck the draculas man. Heavy Metal was named after a horrible genre of music so it's a draw.
That's everyone pretty much, I didn't do Scarlett because I'm not a sick freak who cares about female toys for young children.
A while back a internet message board had a thread about unpopular opinions on G.I. Joe, a lot of jerks made comments on how 1982 was bad, but were they right read more to find out, and if you don't want to; the answer is "No"
Clutch and Crankcase: Clutch was a scuzzball greaser, Crankcase was some dude with anger problems unless he was driving fast. So I dunno about you, but I'd rather hang out with a dude with a beard and was fun loving and could get you chicks, than some angry speed-freak with a mustache. Also, why the hell did Crankcase wear a sweater?
Snake Eyes and Snake Eyes: This one is kind of a predicament, it's the same dude but in 82 he was a commando and not a ninja, ninjas are lame especially when they're white dudes (Chris Farley I'm looking at you) so it's a draw because it's the same dude with a sword and a ugly head, man they should have made Snake Eyes a cobra spy or something fuck that jerk
Rock and Roll and Mr Fuji Roadblock: This one is a real stretch, since Roadblock didn't technically replace RnR, but they popped another RB out in '86 as the heavy machine gunner. Roadblock was a good character, but Rock and Roll played Bass and surfed so he was just as cool, so I'm gonna compare the figures, the first Rock and Roll had awesome bandoliers and was different from most of the other 82's, Roadblock looked like Mr. Fuji and had an ugly ass vest. I guess if your full of rare figures and such, you could put a 92 Roadblock head on a 1997 "Whitest dude in the entire set is now a black man" Rock and Roll, since that mold is well colored for once.
Breaker and Dial Tone: Breaker had character traits like bubble gum chewing, Dial Tone didn't have anything, in fact it seems like Dial Tone just spent all his time with radios and shit and couldn't get a real job. Why the hell did all the bearded headed 82's get replaced by dudes with mustaches?
Grand Slam and Starduster: This is a fair one since both were unused by all media, and fans like them both. Grand Slam was a nerd who probably had a 2112 shirt, Starduster was a circus jerk who probably had a "Byrdz 1980 county fairwell tour (thats a joke about dead careers and prog and shit), and both were useless. Jet-packs aren't viable in 2007 definitely not in the mid 80's
Flash and Sci-Fi: Flash was a dude with a cool laser and didn't look like a spaceman. Sci-Fi was a dude with sudden bouts of paralysis. Flash wins because he wasn't neon
Stalker and Beach Head: Stalker was some dude who was in a gang and was good at fighting terrorism and them VC's. Beach Head was a dude who didn't get angry according to his filecard, but I'm positive that dude was angry all the time in the cartoon. Stalker didn't wear sweatpants so he beats Beach Head.
Short Fuze was a lucky man, he didn't get replaced till like 1989 or something I'm only going to 86, I ain't a chump.
Hawk became General Hawk and dyed his hair. Self-Hating Aryans are the worst.
Zap and Bazooka: Zap was a dude who very ugly and had a light green set of fatigues. Bazooka had a goddamned football jersey in bright red! Bazooka was depicted as a moronic overweight man, while Zap was a hispanic dude with bad jokes. Who the christ would take Bazooka over Zap?
Steeler and Heavy Metal: Heavy Metal was a good figure so was Steeler. However Steeler has something against him, he comes from a place with all the draculas, fuck the draculas man. Heavy Metal was named after a horrible genre of music so it's a draw.
That's everyone pretty much, I didn't do Scarlett because I'm not a sick freak who cares about female toys for young children.
Joes have terrible sense of fashion part 1: Pants.
From The Desk Of the Esteemed Doctor Henry Edward Miller.
One of the great struggles the Joe team has fought over the years is not Cobra, but there terrible sense of fashion. High trained commandos tasked with protecting the free world cannot pick out a decent pair of pants! Now, the Doctor is no fashion expert, but I know what not to wear into combat, but apparently these Joe's dont:
1983 Gung-Ho.
This figure is dressed in a pair of pants that look better suited in a break dancing competition then runnin' through the jungle (The devils on the loose). Gung-Ho and his terrible sense of fashion would go uncontested all the way to 1997, when they finally put a respectable version of this figure out.
1984 Roadblock:
This figure started the trend of Joe's wearing orange pants, an epidemic that is still devastating plastic army mans almost 22 years later!
1984 Cutter:
Nice bellbottoms you fruitcup.
1984 Deepsix:
Well your entire body is pretty damn useless so you get a bye here.
1985 Quick Kick:
Put some shoes on man! And a shirt too! Jesus it was a great moment in time when the SAW viper shot your half naked ass halfway across the desert.
1985 Shipwreck:
You and cutter sharing clothes again? Nice bellbottoms asshole.
1986 Dial Tone:
Hey man where did you score those bitchin' green knee-pads?
1986 Beachhead:
You know, every time I looked at Beachhead it reminded me of this kid I knew all throughout school who wore the same brown sweatpants every day. EVERY DAY from 6th grade all the way to graduation. Yeah so I forever associate Beachhead with Rodney Milsworth. Thanks a bunch Hasbro.
1986 Cross Country:
At first glance, it looks like he's wearing his socks up around his knees, only total melvins do that.
1986 Slip Stream:
Leggings are for women dude.
1986 Claymore:
Yeah, listen man, you know the whole Dusty Rhodes idol worship thing, man it just anit working out, I'm gonna drive you to mens warehouse and were gonna pick out a pair of pants with no Polka-Dots on them alright buddy? Lets get some Ice-cream.
1986 Special Missions to Brazil Dialtone:
Since when was the Jungles of Brazil red? for fucks sake, you're a poor breaker replacement, now your trying way to hard!
1987 Crazylegs:
Jesus, iron those things!
1987 Fastdraw:
Strapping Soundproofing to your legs is not gonna protect you from the Zionist leg control lasers turkey.
1989 Stalker:
Homie, you look like you shit yourself.
1989 Hotseat:
THE ORANGE PANTS EPIDEMIC CONTINUES TO SPREAD
1991 Tracker:
Nice pump-ups assface.
The Doctors Final Thoughts :Well what we can conclude here is: The Joes like pants with wacky designs and bright colors.
Next time we take a look at torsos!
One of the great struggles the Joe team has fought over the years is not Cobra, but there terrible sense of fashion. High trained commandos tasked with protecting the free world cannot pick out a decent pair of pants! Now, the Doctor is no fashion expert, but I know what not to wear into combat, but apparently these Joe's dont:
1983 Gung-Ho.
This figure is dressed in a pair of pants that look better suited in a break dancing competition then runnin' through the jungle (The devils on the loose). Gung-Ho and his terrible sense of fashion would go uncontested all the way to 1997, when they finally put a respectable version of this figure out.
1984 Roadblock:
This figure started the trend of Joe's wearing orange pants, an epidemic that is still devastating plastic army mans almost 22 years later!
1984 Cutter:
Nice bellbottoms you fruitcup.
1984 Deepsix:
Well your entire body is pretty damn useless so you get a bye here.
1985 Quick Kick:
Put some shoes on man! And a shirt too! Jesus it was a great moment in time when the SAW viper shot your half naked ass halfway across the desert.
1985 Shipwreck:
You and cutter sharing clothes again? Nice bellbottoms asshole.
1986 Dial Tone:
Hey man where did you score those bitchin' green knee-pads?
1986 Beachhead:
You know, every time I looked at Beachhead it reminded me of this kid I knew all throughout school who wore the same brown sweatpants every day. EVERY DAY from 6th grade all the way to graduation. Yeah so I forever associate Beachhead with Rodney Milsworth. Thanks a bunch Hasbro.
1986 Cross Country:
At first glance, it looks like he's wearing his socks up around his knees, only total melvins do that.
1986 Slip Stream:
Leggings are for women dude.
1986 Claymore:
Yeah, listen man, you know the whole Dusty Rhodes idol worship thing, man it just anit working out, I'm gonna drive you to mens warehouse and were gonna pick out a pair of pants with no Polka-Dots on them alright buddy? Lets get some Ice-cream.
1986 Special Missions to Brazil Dialtone:
Since when was the Jungles of Brazil red? for fucks sake, you're a poor breaker replacement, now your trying way to hard!
1987 Crazylegs:
Jesus, iron those things!
1987 Fastdraw:
Strapping Soundproofing to your legs is not gonna protect you from the Zionist leg control lasers turkey.
1989 Stalker:
Homie, you look like you shit yourself.
1989 Hotseat:
THE ORANGE PANTS EPIDEMIC CONTINUES TO SPREAD
1991 Tracker:
Nice pump-ups assface.
The Doctors Final Thoughts :Well what we can conclude here is: The Joes like pants with wacky designs and bright colors.
Next time we take a look at torsos!
Thursday, July 5, 2007
Name Changes: The Who, The What, The "You're not my real father!"
Hello, Tom Jacks, Esquire here. How are you? I am fine, thank you for asking.
Being a handsome go-getting lawyer like myself, one of the most common cases you'll have to deal with is changing someones name. And strangely enough, this too happens in the G.I. Joe world. These can happen due to several reasons. While I could write a book as long as the list of people Scott Baio has slept with, I'll only be covering the most prolific.
Roadblock/Double Blast:
When the GI Joe line was introduced in 1982, they really didn't have an electric character to provide comic relief, and an occasional spot of wisdom. That all changed in 1983 with the introduction of Roadblock, the heavy machine gunner who had the perchant to rhyme every sentence he said. Literally. (I'm not sure if he did it in the comic books, the only people that care about those are neckbeards.) Roadblock easily became a favorite among children, after all he talked like Mr. T and carried a huge machine gun. Several versions of Roadblock were produced over the years, included the fabled "Mr. Fuji" version.
When the line was re-launched (albeit a bit toned down) in 2000, Roadblock was nowhere to be found. However in 2001, we were introduced to Double Blast. We could all tell this was Roadblock, however according to Double Blast's file card, he was a completely different person all together. His file card proclaimed him to be the MacGuyver of the Joe world. What, was G.I. Joe so under budget that they just gave him Roadblock's old, dirty uniform, perhaps to confuse Cobra? Strangely, just one year later the same mold (colored differently) was released again as Roadblock. We can only assume that Charles L. Griffith was fired from his job as the "big black guy that carries a machine gun" position. Its still unknown if they made him rhyme like Roadblock.
Baroness/Chameleon
Once again, we revisit the ARAH re-launch of 2000-2002. This time however, it is on Cobra's side. The Baroness, a favorite among lonely men, was very important in the Cobra organization. Only two versions of her figure were released in the line's original run, and one of them was hardly seen at all. This made her one of the most sought after figures to collect. In 2000, Hasbro re-released the mold, but strangely, she was named Chameleon. The file card went on to say that this was not the Baroness, but her "illegitimate half-sister". Oh Hasbro, you scamps. Taping into the soap opera market, are we? Thankfully there wasn't an abortion scandal involving Cover Girl, Mutt, and Junkyard. The file card went on to say that Chameleon went to GI Joe, got plastic surgery, and joined Cobra as the Baroness. So somehow, G.I. Joe could afford all this but couldn't get Double Blast a new uniform? The government, go figure.
As for the figure, most people threw out (and rightly so) the storyline and just used the figure as the Baroness. The Chameleon character was never heard from again and it's probably for the best as the whole situation was rather silly. Several new Baroness figures have since been released, summarily burying the whole story. Besides, chameleons blend into their surroundings, not get plastic surgery and assume identities. Stop watching so much Days of Our Lives, Hasbro.
Hawk/Gen. Hawk/Gen. Tomahawk/Gen. Abernathy/Just For Men User
Where as the first two cases were completely new people, this case involves the same person.
In the initial G.I. Joe launch, there wasn't a clear-cut leader. Sure we had Cobra Commander for Cobra, but who would lead the Joes into battle? Why the man who holds a funny box attached to some missiles, who else? Hawk started out as the field leader for the Joes, before Duke was introduced (don't get me started on that guy). Eventually in 1986 he was moved up to general, and assumed command for the good guys. This of course was before the whole confusing introduction of other generals, admirals, the "original" G.I. Joe and others (once again, comic books, see neckbeards.) In 2002, he was re-named Gen. Tomahawk. Although I doubt he has any Native American blood in him whatsoever.
This could prove to be confusing enough, but in 2004 he was released as Gen. Abernathy. The reasoning for the change from Hawk to Tomahawk was a trademark issue, but to lose it again 2 years later? Hasbro must have hired the same legal team that the Oakland Raiders did, because whenever they lost, they would claim victory. Anyways, whatever you call him now, I'm sure you can agree on this: Abernathy is a man that has serious identity crisis issues, uses Just For Men, and was damn sure annoying in the movie.
So what have we learned from all this? Hasbro needs to keep up on their trademarks and copyrights and stop denying the past. There are several more of these cases out there in the Joe world, but that will be for another time.
Don't trust whitey,
Tom Jacks, Esq.
Being a handsome go-getting lawyer like myself, one of the most common cases you'll have to deal with is changing someones name. And strangely enough, this too happens in the G.I. Joe world. These can happen due to several reasons. While I could write a book as long as the list of people Scott Baio has slept with, I'll only be covering the most prolific.
Roadblock/Double Blast:
When the GI Joe line was introduced in 1982, they really didn't have an electric character to provide comic relief, and an occasional spot of wisdom. That all changed in 1983 with the introduction of Roadblock, the heavy machine gunner who had the perchant to rhyme every sentence he said. Literally. (I'm not sure if he did it in the comic books, the only people that care about those are neckbeards.) Roadblock easily became a favorite among children, after all he talked like Mr. T and carried a huge machine gun. Several versions of Roadblock were produced over the years, included the fabled "Mr. Fuji" version.
When the line was re-launched (albeit a bit toned down) in 2000, Roadblock was nowhere to be found. However in 2001, we were introduced to Double Blast. We could all tell this was Roadblock, however according to Double Blast's file card, he was a completely different person all together. His file card proclaimed him to be the MacGuyver of the Joe world. What, was G.I. Joe so under budget that they just gave him Roadblock's old, dirty uniform, perhaps to confuse Cobra? Strangely, just one year later the same mold (colored differently) was released again as Roadblock. We can only assume that Charles L. Griffith was fired from his job as the "big black guy that carries a machine gun" position. Its still unknown if they made him rhyme like Roadblock.
Baroness/Chameleon
Once again, we revisit the ARAH re-launch of 2000-2002. This time however, it is on Cobra's side. The Baroness, a favorite among lonely men, was very important in the Cobra organization. Only two versions of her figure were released in the line's original run, and one of them was hardly seen at all. This made her one of the most sought after figures to collect. In 2000, Hasbro re-released the mold, but strangely, she was named Chameleon. The file card went on to say that this was not the Baroness, but her "illegitimate half-sister". Oh Hasbro, you scamps. Taping into the soap opera market, are we? Thankfully there wasn't an abortion scandal involving Cover Girl, Mutt, and Junkyard. The file card went on to say that Chameleon went to GI Joe, got plastic surgery, and joined Cobra as the Baroness. So somehow, G.I. Joe could afford all this but couldn't get Double Blast a new uniform? The government, go figure.
As for the figure, most people threw out (and rightly so) the storyline and just used the figure as the Baroness. The Chameleon character was never heard from again and it's probably for the best as the whole situation was rather silly. Several new Baroness figures have since been released, summarily burying the whole story. Besides, chameleons blend into their surroundings, not get plastic surgery and assume identities. Stop watching so much Days of Our Lives, Hasbro.
Hawk/Gen. Hawk/Gen. Tomahawk/Gen. Abernathy/Just For Men User
Where as the first two cases were completely new people, this case involves the same person.
In the initial G.I. Joe launch, there wasn't a clear-cut leader. Sure we had Cobra Commander for Cobra, but who would lead the Joes into battle? Why the man who holds a funny box attached to some missiles, who else? Hawk started out as the field leader for the Joes, before Duke was introduced (don't get me started on that guy). Eventually in 1986 he was moved up to general, and assumed command for the good guys. This of course was before the whole confusing introduction of other generals, admirals, the "original" G.I. Joe and others (once again, comic books, see neckbeards.) In 2002, he was re-named Gen. Tomahawk. Although I doubt he has any Native American blood in him whatsoever.
This could prove to be confusing enough, but in 2004 he was released as Gen. Abernathy. The reasoning for the change from Hawk to Tomahawk was a trademark issue, but to lose it again 2 years later? Hasbro must have hired the same legal team that the Oakland Raiders did, because whenever they lost, they would claim victory. Anyways, whatever you call him now, I'm sure you can agree on this: Abernathy is a man that has serious identity crisis issues, uses Just For Men, and was damn sure annoying in the movie.
So what have we learned from all this? Hasbro needs to keep up on their trademarks and copyrights and stop denying the past. There are several more of these cases out there in the Joe world, but that will be for another time.
Don't trust whitey,
Tom Jacks, Esq.
Lawyers Guns and Government Money the 1983 Airborne story
1983 Airborne profile
My first profile will be the first Joe from 1983 I got, and since that's my favorite year it's a good place to start. Airborne is pretty great for an 83 that has a burden of being a character who's got a race based character, a hard to use specialty and someone wearing bright blue.
I've always used Airborne as an infantryman since the Dragonfly sucked and had a horrible pilot (fun fact: as a kid I killed Wild Bill off after he made a joke about Airborne "siouxing" him) sure his codename made no sense, but he was a great figure that I didn't want to give up on missions.
The Airborne mold doesn't get enough credit, it's torso had similar details to the 82 torso mold with the straps, knife and grenade but were completely different. he had forearm and kneepads when barely any other figures did, plus his accesories were better than most other Joe figure's (the M-16 with bayonet was awesome, the helmet was cool and had a lot of detail, and the backpack was bitchin' to the extreme as it was used like 5-6 times) Airborne also had a patch on his arm, that was a rad detail that wasn't used enough because it made the figure look more legit.
My only problems with Airborne was the horrible haircut he had, and the fact he didn't get a repaint in more jungle/forest friendly colors.
Airborne was one of the few figures I had as a kid that never left my joe missions, he looked pretty decent in all enviroments, he wasn't one of the guys who stood out, he was a basic guy who did his job, his gear wasn't specialized and helped his role.
Normally I'd have a couple pictures of the figure in question but I don't, but don't worry if you want to look at Airborne there are websites with picture of him, such as Yojoe. Or you could get an Airborne, they're usually cheap and a good figure too.
My first profile will be the first Joe from 1983 I got, and since that's my favorite year it's a good place to start. Airborne is pretty great for an 83 that has a burden of being a character who's got a race based character, a hard to use specialty and someone wearing bright blue.
I've always used Airborne as an infantryman since the Dragonfly sucked and had a horrible pilot (fun fact: as a kid I killed Wild Bill off after he made a joke about Airborne "siouxing" him) sure his codename made no sense, but he was a great figure that I didn't want to give up on missions.
The Airborne mold doesn't get enough credit, it's torso had similar details to the 82 torso mold with the straps, knife and grenade but were completely different. he had forearm and kneepads when barely any other figures did, plus his accesories were better than most other Joe figure's (the M-16 with bayonet was awesome, the helmet was cool and had a lot of detail, and the backpack was bitchin' to the extreme as it was used like 5-6 times) Airborne also had a patch on his arm, that was a rad detail that wasn't used enough because it made the figure look more legit.
My only problems with Airborne was the horrible haircut he had, and the fact he didn't get a repaint in more jungle/forest friendly colors.
Airborne was one of the few figures I had as a kid that never left my joe missions, he looked pretty decent in all enviroments, he wasn't one of the guys who stood out, he was a basic guy who did his job, his gear wasn't specialized and helped his role.
Normally I'd have a couple pictures of the figure in question but I don't, but don't worry if you want to look at Airborne there are websites with picture of him, such as Yojoe. Or you could get an Airborne, they're usually cheap and a good figure too.
Wednesday, July 4, 2007
Why you so ugly Mister?
From the desk of the Esteemed Doctor Henry E Miller:
As a thinking man, I try to ask the hard questions, like just what was the deal with the Toxo-Zombie? Or what exactly was Princess Peach talking about at the end of the Super Mario Brothers movie? Todays set of burning questions centers around some of the most butt-ugly head molds Hasbro ever produced, why did these figures end up being so distractingly ugly? I'm not one to judge the looks of a 4 inch (3/34ths whatever it is you dorks) piece of plastic, but these guys are just goofy, dumpy, stupid and just plain ugly looking.
1982 Zap:
This guy looks like this egg-headed guy I knew in the 80's who ran a BBS (For you kiddies thats the earliest form of public internet) back in the 80's, that eggheaded creep got busted for kiddie porn, so I forever link Zap with a kiddie-fiddler, growing a mustache didn't help his case there either. To make matters worse, Hasbro used this head on Grunt and Grand Slam.
1986 Roadblock:
Why the fuck are you smiling so much? You look like a black Mr Fuji. I guess he's sure happy he bought that bright green vest from Macy's.
1985 Tele Viper:
It was bad enough that it took hasbro 4 years to get a communications trooper that wasn't a Breaker head on a Cobra body with Breakers Comm-gear (All the cool kids did that custom back then) but to make matters worse, he had a huge head. I hated this figure back in the day and I still hate it now, he became Cobra Commanders retarded brother "Paul". Paul always found a way to fuck something up for Cobra.
1985 Torch:
You look like an aging homosexual wearing Blu-Blocker sun glasses.
1987 Crystal Ball:
With the hair and mustache of every overweight mid 40's Star-trek nerd I know, hes gonna reflect the sun off his teeth and blind those dastardly joe's into submission!
1987 Rumbler:
If A-team ever did a reunion and it turned out Faceman aged terribly and was a drunk who's gone through several divorces I think Rumbler could play the part.
1991 Grunt:
Once again, Grunt gets shafted with a terrible head mold, he always looks like hes yelling, like the Joe's will be lounging around talking about something and he will walk up and go
"HEY GUYS DID YOU CATCH THE SCORE OF THE BRUINS GAME"
"Grunt why are you yell-"
"SAY THERES A SALE ON ORANGE PANTS DOWN AT THE WOODLAWN K-MART HOT DAMN I GOT TO GET DOWN THERE AND RESTOCK"
1988 Armadillo:
It's bad enough you look like a knock-off, now you have a goofy helmet and a stupid oversize tank to drive!
1983 Tripwire:
Your head looks like a penis.
1983 Duke:
YOU. LOOK. LIKE. A. JACKASS.
I'm sure theres lots more ugly mugs to dig through, but the Doctor has other pressing matters to get to, maybe there will be a part-2 to this nonsense.
The Doctors Final Thoughts: Hey, 91 Grunt, Razor Ramon called, he wants his shirt back.
As a thinking man, I try to ask the hard questions, like just what was the deal with the Toxo-Zombie? Or what exactly was Princess Peach talking about at the end of the Super Mario Brothers movie? Todays set of burning questions centers around some of the most butt-ugly head molds Hasbro ever produced, why did these figures end up being so distractingly ugly? I'm not one to judge the looks of a 4 inch (3/34ths whatever it is you dorks) piece of plastic, but these guys are just goofy, dumpy, stupid and just plain ugly looking.
1982 Zap:
This guy looks like this egg-headed guy I knew in the 80's who ran a BBS (For you kiddies thats the earliest form of public internet) back in the 80's, that eggheaded creep got busted for kiddie porn, so I forever link Zap with a kiddie-fiddler, growing a mustache didn't help his case there either. To make matters worse, Hasbro used this head on Grunt and Grand Slam.
1986 Roadblock:
Why the fuck are you smiling so much? You look like a black Mr Fuji. I guess he's sure happy he bought that bright green vest from Macy's.
1985 Tele Viper:
It was bad enough that it took hasbro 4 years to get a communications trooper that wasn't a Breaker head on a Cobra body with Breakers Comm-gear (All the cool kids did that custom back then) but to make matters worse, he had a huge head. I hated this figure back in the day and I still hate it now, he became Cobra Commanders retarded brother "Paul". Paul always found a way to fuck something up for Cobra.
1985 Torch:
You look like an aging homosexual wearing Blu-Blocker sun glasses.
1987 Crystal Ball:
With the hair and mustache of every overweight mid 40's Star-trek nerd I know, hes gonna reflect the sun off his teeth and blind those dastardly joe's into submission!
1987 Rumbler:
If A-team ever did a reunion and it turned out Faceman aged terribly and was a drunk who's gone through several divorces I think Rumbler could play the part.
1991 Grunt:
Once again, Grunt gets shafted with a terrible head mold, he always looks like hes yelling, like the Joe's will be lounging around talking about something and he will walk up and go
"HEY GUYS DID YOU CATCH THE SCORE OF THE BRUINS GAME"
"Grunt why are you yell-"
"SAY THERES A SALE ON ORANGE PANTS DOWN AT THE WOODLAWN K-MART HOT DAMN I GOT TO GET DOWN THERE AND RESTOCK"
1988 Armadillo:
It's bad enough you look like a knock-off, now you have a goofy helmet and a stupid oversize tank to drive!
1983 Tripwire:
Your head looks like a penis.
1983 Duke:
YOU. LOOK. LIKE. A. JACKASS.
I'm sure theres lots more ugly mugs to dig through, but the Doctor has other pressing matters to get to, maybe there will be a part-2 to this nonsense.
The Doctors Final Thoughts: Hey, 91 Grunt, Razor Ramon called, he wants his shirt back.
Surefire is a great figure and you're a jerk.
From the desk of the Esteemed Henry Edward Miller:
The 2000-2001 line of figures produced some real gems, figures that are sadly forgotten among the dulluted "50 figures a year!" trend we suffered through 02-06. Back when the line was being relanched for real, not just a couple TRU packs a year, there was a couple figures that made waves among the Joe fandom. Those two figures being Big Brawler, and the subject of this profile: Surefire. Now I won't touch on Big Brawler other then this: From the neck down he was a great figure, and the entire retarded Brawler joke was old four days after my distant cousin Jose' "Stiches" Cordarez III started it.
With that out of the way, these two figures were named on the filecard and had faces molded after two members of the Steel Brigade GI Joe fanclub, or whatever the fuck it was, all I know is they got in good with Hasbro somehow and ended up on the filecard and it made a lot of people mad for whatever reason, the jerkoff who used to run that "Sgt Savage" site, you know the bald guy who yelled at people all the time and made "~INTERNET TOUGHGUY THREATS~!" He has been completely ran out of the fandom because people finally got it that he was a shmuck. That guy seemed to be the beacon of hate for these two figures and it never made sense to me.
So what, somebody's name ended up on the filecard, who the hell reads those anyway? It was a whole lot of fanboy rage, and because of that nonsense, an amazing figure falls to the wayside, Steel Brigade isn't even relevant anymore for fucks sake! Get over it, your missing out on a great figure!
Onto the figure:
Surefire is painted in an ultra realistic law-enforcement blue, complimented by black highlights, his tactical vest is the proper tone of black, with two sliver smoke grenades molded on. This figure takes the 92 Shockwave mold to another level. This figure can be used as a stand-alone character, or army built as a generic swat-officer. He came packaged with the 90's Low Light mold, who was also painted in the great blue color, parts can be mixed and matched between the two and heads added, and with a couple packs you have a SWAT-team for Cobra to cut down. I once LBC'd an entire SWAT-team together using just those two figures, this was easily the best two pack from the entire 00-01 run. If you're missing out on this figure because of some kind of fanboy hate, toss that hate aside, and learn to love.
Heres a picture with shitty lighting:
The Doctors Final Thoughts: Surefire is one of the best repaints Hasbro has ever produced, and among all this 25th nonsense and new sculpt crap he is a rare gem. If you don't have him, go and pick him up, bonus points if you get the Low Light along with him.
The 2000-2001 line of figures produced some real gems, figures that are sadly forgotten among the dulluted "50 figures a year!" trend we suffered through 02-06. Back when the line was being relanched for real, not just a couple TRU packs a year, there was a couple figures that made waves among the Joe fandom. Those two figures being Big Brawler, and the subject of this profile: Surefire. Now I won't touch on Big Brawler other then this: From the neck down he was a great figure, and the entire retarded Brawler joke was old four days after my distant cousin Jose' "Stiches" Cordarez III started it.
With that out of the way, these two figures were named on the filecard and had faces molded after two members of the Steel Brigade GI Joe fanclub, or whatever the fuck it was, all I know is they got in good with Hasbro somehow and ended up on the filecard and it made a lot of people mad for whatever reason, the jerkoff who used to run that "Sgt Savage" site, you know the bald guy who yelled at people all the time and made "~INTERNET TOUGHGUY THREATS~!" He has been completely ran out of the fandom because people finally got it that he was a shmuck. That guy seemed to be the beacon of hate for these two figures and it never made sense to me.
So what, somebody's name ended up on the filecard, who the hell reads those anyway? It was a whole lot of fanboy rage, and because of that nonsense, an amazing figure falls to the wayside, Steel Brigade isn't even relevant anymore for fucks sake! Get over it, your missing out on a great figure!
Onto the figure:
Surefire is painted in an ultra realistic law-enforcement blue, complimented by black highlights, his tactical vest is the proper tone of black, with two sliver smoke grenades molded on. This figure takes the 92 Shockwave mold to another level. This figure can be used as a stand-alone character, or army built as a generic swat-officer. He came packaged with the 90's Low Light mold, who was also painted in the great blue color, parts can be mixed and matched between the two and heads added, and with a couple packs you have a SWAT-team for Cobra to cut down. I once LBC'd an entire SWAT-team together using just those two figures, this was easily the best two pack from the entire 00-01 run. If you're missing out on this figure because of some kind of fanboy hate, toss that hate aside, and learn to love.
Heres a picture with shitty lighting:
The Doctors Final Thoughts: Surefire is one of the best repaints Hasbro has ever produced, and among all this 25th nonsense and new sculpt crap he is a rare gem. If you don't have him, go and pick him up, bonus points if you get the Low Light along with him.
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
The top 5 What The Christ? figure details:
I've been re-examining some figures recently, and I've noticed for every 1983 Cobra with Garrote there are some details that make me wonder what was the point, some may have reasonable explanations but they still look goofy/bizzarre. Here's the list:
5. 92 Roadblock mold's Earring, what was up with that thing, I know that Roadblock was "cooler" than most Joe team members (he wasn't a bland honky like so many of them) but the damn thing ruins a decent headsculpt but I guess RB should be happy he has ears this time
4. Talking Battle Commanders' Stalker's ninja star. In the middle of his webgear is a ninja star, what the hell man, he was the only main character in Joe who didn't become a goddamn ninja but he's got a ninja star. I guess Shruikens were the weapon of choice in late 60's Detroit.
3. The 92 Roadblock mold's bandana's, when I first noticed them on the Anti Venom Roadblock, I was surprised that they threw in a Bloods reference on a toy for children (or so the talking point goes) I wonder if they were always supposed to be red, but some streetwise Hasbro employee in '92 noticed the blue pants and those being Crips colors and didn't want his figure increasing action figure related gang violence, which had been in decline since 1983.
2.The 1992 Flak Viper Leotard-leggings combo, for real I'm surprised Ol' Flak Viper isn't used in more customs my esteemed colleauge Dr. Henry E. Miller writes witty one liners about, because BABES WEAR THOSE THINGS ON THEIR LEGS MAN, THESE ARE SORTA LIKE THEM. Or intentional (not unintentional like half the ones in the last post) Rocky Horror Show customs. Those would probably be more fun
1. 1985 Lady Jaye Mold's Buttons on chest pockets. Man,what the fuck? not only is it creepy to see on a toy, it's creepier to think some dude probably got his rocks off designing and getting those button nipples approved.
That's all for today kids, soon I'll review some figures like Doc, and Hiss Driver, I'lll be nicer too those guys.
Also, coming soon will be the 1983 Cobra spy that maybe 4 white people ever heard of, and details on the minority marketing campaign that almost killed Joe.
Your pal, J. Turk
5. 92 Roadblock mold's Earring, what was up with that thing, I know that Roadblock was "cooler" than most Joe team members (he wasn't a bland honky like so many of them) but the damn thing ruins a decent headsculpt but I guess RB should be happy he has ears this time
4. Talking Battle Commanders' Stalker's ninja star. In the middle of his webgear is a ninja star, what the hell man, he was the only main character in Joe who didn't become a goddamn ninja but he's got a ninja star. I guess Shruikens were the weapon of choice in late 60's Detroit.
3. The 92 Roadblock mold's bandana's, when I first noticed them on the Anti Venom Roadblock, I was surprised that they threw in a Bloods reference on a toy for children (or so the talking point goes) I wonder if they were always supposed to be red, but some streetwise Hasbro employee in '92 noticed the blue pants and those being Crips colors and didn't want his figure increasing action figure related gang violence, which had been in decline since 1983.
2.The 1992 Flak Viper Leotard-leggings combo, for real I'm surprised Ol' Flak Viper isn't used in more customs my esteemed colleauge Dr. Henry E. Miller writes witty one liners about, because BABES WEAR THOSE THINGS ON THEIR LEGS MAN, THESE ARE SORTA LIKE THEM. Or intentional (not unintentional like half the ones in the last post) Rocky Horror Show customs. Those would probably be more fun
1. 1985 Lady Jaye Mold's Buttons on chest pockets. Man,what the fuck? not only is it creepy to see on a toy, it's creepier to think some dude probably got his rocks off designing and getting those button nipples approved.
That's all for today kids, soon I'll review some figures like Doc, and Hiss Driver, I'lll be nicer too those guys.
Also, coming soon will be the 1983 Cobra spy that maybe 4 white people ever heard of, and details on the minority marketing campaign that almost killed Joe.
Your pal, J. Turk
The Very Worst In: Female Custom Figures.
From The Desk Of the Esteemed Doctor Henry Edward Miller:
If theres one facet of the GI Joe customizing world thats sure to propel us into fits of laughter, and haunt our memories for weeks, its the dark, sexless world of Female Customs. Now, not all female customs are bad, most are average, some are even good, but today we will be taking a look at the tattered underbelly of Customizing.
These customs are downright frightening, projecting the image that the creator is some pathetic dork who's never come closer to a woman than crying on his mothers arm because the "Mean people" made fun of him again.
Lets take a look now shall we:
HAM
Because when I think sexy, I think naked children's toys posing on a printed brick background.
Highly trained commands dress like the sluts who walk around car-shows right? Am I right guys?
I like my customs like I like my women, going through puberty and anorexic!
Thats a bathing suit I'd associate with a heavy smokers voice, leathery skin and the stench of beer, the customizer must have used his wife for inspiration.
Dykes on bykes member #3959
Times the owner has masturbated to this: # 12.
"I'll show her, I'll show her, I'll make my own girlfriend, yes...yes...all mine.."
"STEVEN GET THE FUCK UP HERE AND LET OUT THE CAT DAMNIT"
"MOM WHAT DO YOU WANT I'M RECONFIGURING MY COLLECTION"
Apparently this is the Baroness, it looks like an Xenomorph from Alien, crossed with the lady who offered us a "Fresh crate fulla eggs" when we stopped along the road in Rowelsburg West Virginia.
Enough of this.
The Doctors Final Thoughts: Apple Barrel Paints, Playdoh, Virginity and Action figures don't mix.
If theres one facet of the GI Joe customizing world thats sure to propel us into fits of laughter, and haunt our memories for weeks, its the dark, sexless world of Female Customs. Now, not all female customs are bad, most are average, some are even good, but today we will be taking a look at the tattered underbelly of Customizing.
These customs are downright frightening, projecting the image that the creator is some pathetic dork who's never come closer to a woman than crying on his mothers arm because the "Mean people" made fun of him again.
Lets take a look now shall we:
HAM
Because when I think sexy, I think naked children's toys posing on a printed brick background.
Highly trained commands dress like the sluts who walk around car-shows right? Am I right guys?
I like my customs like I like my women, going through puberty and anorexic!
Thats a bathing suit I'd associate with a heavy smokers voice, leathery skin and the stench of beer, the customizer must have used his wife for inspiration.
Dykes on bykes member #3959
Times the owner has masturbated to this: # 12.
"I'll show her, I'll show her, I'll make my own girlfriend, yes...yes...all mine.."
"STEVEN GET THE FUCK UP HERE AND LET OUT THE CAT DAMNIT"
"MOM WHAT DO YOU WANT I'M RECONFIGURING MY COLLECTION"
Apparently this is the Baroness, it looks like an Xenomorph from Alien, crossed with the lady who offered us a "Fresh crate fulla eggs" when we stopped along the road in Rowelsburg West Virginia.
Enough of this.
The Doctors Final Thoughts: Apple Barrel Paints, Playdoh, Virginity and Action figures don't mix.
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