RACIAL STEREOTYPES

Joe is a pretty diverse toyline, I mean it's got Blacks, Jews, Indians, Women, Robots and other things most nerds fear, but in a lot of aspects Hasbro would often make one visible minority, and then make one that was beating you over the dome saying "THIS GUY IS THIS" so here's the top whatever number I write about:

Spirit: I imagine the design process was: "Hey that Airborne dude was pretty good, shows how there's lots of different races and creeds in the army" "He was different?" "Yeah he was an Native Indian" "INDIANS HAVE MOCCASINS AND EAGLES AND NAMES LIKE SEEING WOLF AND COMANCHE, MAKE ONE LIKE THAT" and that's why we got a "Tracker" (Whatever that is) who has stupid hair and somewhat dangerous shoes, I've worn moccasins and I don't want to step on busted rocks and shit wearing those.

Spirit also had a ridiculous weapon, I'm no gunsmith (I'm a roadie for ELO) but can a rifle shoot arrows, it doesn't seem plausible to me. Worse than Spirt was Dart, some ugly guy with a small head a 70's eagle chain. I figure he was designed to be an army guy version of a casino indian.

Roadblock: Hey, a black guy with a soul patch and a tank top who's almost as good a rapper as Trunks (BLITZ YA WHOLE TEAM SOMETHING SOMETHING DRUM AND BASS MUSIC SOMETHING SOMETHING INSPECTOR GADGET REFRENCE SOMETHING CLOSE ENCOUNTER OF THE FUCKED UP KIND check out King Geedorah yo) Then he got an earring. Not really a great example of a terrible stereotype until you remember, his original codename was "Bubba"

Now I wonder why Cobra never got any, except maybe the Dreadnoks and their band of homosexuals and Anarchists (Gee they're just Texas' hardcore scene I guess) I wish they would have made a South American Cobra who was like a Contra, but then again I guess he'd have to be a Joe and we can't let people know there's bad stuff being done by the good guyz

This article is a 10 on the scale of bands with Chuck Biscuits!

This is Tom Jacks, Esq., fresh off a trip from Africa seeing the Batsmen of the Kalahari. I just popped in to check on things and found that our old friends MC are at it again. I especially liked this gem the most:

"It may take 2 or three days for it to show up in your statement."

Oh that wacky Master Collector! Can't even decide if they want to spell the number or just type it.

Stay tuned in a few weeks for my comphrensive article, "Black Men in GI Joe: Why Do They Always Carry Big Guns?"

G.I.Joe as a Lifetime movie

Dr. Henry, your fine article made me think "Gee I'm glad I'm not an idiot" but it also made me think the collectors club is like one of those abusive boyfriends, so they'll abuse the nerds for like 6 years until one day some loser dressed like this:



A mix of Cobra Commander and the motherfucking Zodiac Killer decides to shoot the club in the back while it's asleep on the couch. Now I'm not sure if that's a metaphor or if someone's gonna actually shoot dudes in the back I don't got the E.S.P.

Also, I like how jerks who bought their 25 Dollar Hiss Driver, are getting dinged with shipping even if they got it at the goddamn convention. Guess that's what you get for supporting terrorisim

You stupid motherfuckers got worked

From The Desk Of The Esteemed Doctor Henry Edward Miller:

Theres a reason I'm a doctor.

Remember this little debacle from the convention?

http://98oldsmobiledotgov.blogspot.com/2007/09/master-collector-has-sure-fire-way-to.html

Well, I was right, I was right the whole time.

Master Collector came forward with this bullshit line today:

"This is going out to all members:

I am sad to say that we had to cancel the Tanks from the 2007 convention souvenirs. We are not happy to do this, but at this juncture, we have no other options.

As the manufacturer starting punching out the pieces, we found that there was a second boggy wheel tool missing (that would require retooling). Even though we were not prepared for this problem, and we knew it would cause additional delays, we decided to absorb the additional cost of this lost piece and continue on (we already knew we would have to tool one wheel).

However, when they started running the turrets, the tool (mold) broke. They cannot repair it. So, we have cancelled the project and processed the refunds to everyone who purchased or pre-ordered these items. If you paid by credit card, your credit has been placed back on your card. It may take 2 or three days for it to show up in your statement. If you paid by cash, we will be issuing you a check next week as it takes a while to write all the checks to each individual.

We are just as upset as you are about this cancellation as the project had already sold over 80% through. We wish there was something else we could do, but there is not. Here is the way we worked out the refunds: Each person that had picked-up their figures at the convention, will receive a refund less $20 per figure. Each person who pre-ordered will receive a refund less $20 per figure and $5 per order for shipping (foreign $10 per order shipping). If you would like a full refund, you may return your figures to us and we will refund the remainder of your funds paid (no restocking fee).

If you pre-ordered and want to cancel your order, please let us know by Friday, December 21, as we will not start shipping the pre-ordered figures until after Christmas. Again, if you want to cancel the whole order and not receive the figures, there is no restocking fee. We will then issue the appropriate additional credit to you via your card or check. For those of you who are foreign members and received the figures at the show, we will be contacting you as we have other options you may want to explore.

Once all of the pre-orders have been shipped, the remaining Rip-Its will be sold with a Steeler (and file cards) for $50 + shipping (no more than 2 orders allowed per person or address). After the pairs are gone, there will be a few Steelers left at $28 + shipping. There are more Steelers left than Rip-Its as the tanks did not pre-sell at a 1:1 basis and we ran long on the Steelers. These two figures are the shortest run production 3 3/4” figures we have ever produced at only 500 pieces each. Even without the vehicles, these figures are a great addition to this year’s set. We apologize for any inconvenience, as like you, we were very excited about this project. In 12 years, we have never had a tool break but it was bound to happen based on the age of the tools (molds).

Thank you for your understanding and support in this matter as we have exhausted all avenues for resolving this issue.

Brian"

You stupid fucking nerds fell for it. You're not even getting a full refund, then they go on to try to sell you overpriced extra stock.

Ahahahaa.

The Battle Andriod Trooper is goddamned retarded and your all jerks for liking it.

From The Desk Of The Esteemed Doctor Henry Edward Miller

The year was 1986, a good year. Patrick Swayzes career was well and alive, The Cramps and Wang Chung released albums, it was the year of the Final Countdown, and as the rest of the modern world thrived, so did the Joe line.

Classics like Mr Fuji Roadblock, Beachhead, Low Light, Hawk and the original (and best) Viper flooded the shelfs.

But amongst this banner year for the Joe line, there was one of the stupidest things I'd seen to this point. The Battle Android Trooper, or B.A.T for those keeping score at home. This was one of the first steps towards the sci-fi nonsense that plagued the line in its later years, instead of another kickass Cobra trooper to blow up with the mountain howitzer we got some dumb fucking robot with really shortsighted weapons (Really, how the hell is he supposed to refill the grenade launcher or flame thrower?) according to the filecard, the B.A.T's are the "perfect trooper" then it goes on to mention that they shoot anything, and burst into flames like a Pinto when hit from behind, and that they are "incredibly cheap" well, shucks, I didn't know an advanced robot capable of blowing shit up was running so cheap these days! Guess they made them in Honduras or something.

The B.A.T was Hasbro's way of having lots of nameless, bloodless Cobra bad guys on the battlefield of the cartoon to get gunned down by the Joe's and there Red Lasers of goodness and fortitude and Jesus without blood, death or whining from parents about there children watching a cartoon portraying death that was made to be a 22 minute commercial for a toy that included guns and a strange dressed doctor who liked to experiment on people. Go figure, anyway the B.A.T hearkened in the beginning of the end of the line, as the more realistic figures faded out, we got figures like the B.A.T and Cobras who wanted to go space like Timothy Leary.

Unfortunately, Hasbro thought to make yet another B.A.T in 1991, this time with neon highlights and one of those spring loaded missile launcher backpacks, after that, we were treated to fourteen different versions in the new sculpt line, the doctor ignores these because the new sculpts are all pretty lame.

The Doctors Final Thoughts: The B.A.T I had as a kid ended up being a wacky robot sidekick to the EEL, they got into wacky adventures, usually involving the B.A.Ts fear of water and the EELs diabetes.

NEWZ U CAN UZE

Being a hip cat, I tend to be a guy who knows things. So here are some interesting factoids no one knows:

Stiches (remember that guy) happened to be a 4ft 9 Black man named Reginald who worked for the Massachusets beaureau of Tourist information.

The guy who ran Airtight's hostile enviroment was assaulted by hoodlums, and wound up closing his site.

Mike "DE ACO" Fountain was traded to Vancouver and the exchange rate killed his ability to drop 4 bills on Ninja Ku

Eagle Eye Joe would telephone and harass Hasbro for information about upcoming G.I.Joe's, that guy did it for like 6 years

BONUS: part 1 of some original dossiers I found on the web one time in no order:

1985. This is the pinnacle of Joe?

1985 is often hearalded as the pinnacle of the Joe line. But why is there a reason other than nostalgia?

Aside from Flint, Snow Serpent, Eel, Snake Eyes and the Crimson Guard it's a really weak line up. A yellow guy? a dude not wearing shoes, some dweeb in a football jersey, that isn't the realistic Military action figure we'd seen up until this point, this is something different.

There were some realistic figures but Dusty isn't much fun without a desert, and Footloose is an okay figure but he's one of the first examples of a figure made by his accesories, as without them he's pretty lame, plus his ugly head was used 3 damn times on figures worse than him each time. Shipwreck is okay as well, but he's really fucking useless since Sailors are on boats, they
don't go and fight terrorists in the city.

Since like one awesome dude reads this blog (2 if Dr. Henry E. Miller gets out of prison after he finishes up his 8 month bid for numerous crimes INCLUDING MURDA, and gets LIVE:At Cook County Prison recorded 4 wit good behaviour) I'll answer the questions regular riff-raff would ask.

"BUT WHAT ABOUT THE CHARACTERS?" well sure there were some good characters but I don't need Incesteous Siegfried and Roy powerbroking for Cobra Command, nor do I need dumb people fighting dudes.

"THERE WAS BETTER ARTICULATION" Not really, do I need my action figures to hold their heads down in shame? Nope, the 82-84 Heads can look upwards too, you gotta move the torso on both designs. This isn't worthy of the praise we should give swivel arm battle grip people.

"THEY RELEASED THE DREADNOKS THOUGH" Yeah, that's great, the best Enemy figures are year old designs.

"WHAT ABOUT THE VEHICLES?" Vehicles tended to be better than the figures, shit even 88 had a couple of good vehicles.

Really, if you guys think about it both '84 and '86 were much better years, 84 had Firefly, Storm Shadow, Zartan, Ripcord and a better fanboy wetdream figure than 85, whilst 86 was better designed figures (The prototypes show most 85's were to be in the superior 84 neck style, while the 86's were actually designed for that type of neck) and the 86 Cross Country is probably the best figure released in the "Horribly racist figure" category, and he has stiff competition from Spirt and Quick Kick.

1985 was probably the best year for designs that look really really homosexual 20 years later, I mean Tollbooth, the Dreadnoks, and Shipwreck shit that is way better than 86's Dr, Mindbender or the entire ninja force

Subgroups!

Subgroups, people either love 'em or hate 'em. I looked at Tiger Force once, with a peice about gook killing and rape and rap music and all the other things Joe fans seem to equate with my people. But today we're looking at some of the other ones.

Python Patrol: Damn, Copperhead v1 is an ugly figure, what with the greens, the wifebeater, the womens underwear worn above his pants, so let's paint him yellow, black and some ugly shade of greenish brown. He came with a wicked gun though.

Crimson Guard: ˆcrimsonˆisn't an important part of the name at all. But if you have those ninja shadow crimson attack infiltration tigerforce, imperial Guards from that TRU 6 pack, you could swap some heads and have an awesome figure.

The Trooper and the Officer: Well, the molds weren't tired and boring in 1989

Tele-Viper: Hey, I should leave this one for Dr. Henry E. Miller, if he ever gets out of prison

Eventually they released more Python figures, which was kinda cool, I mean we got the Pedo-Viper, the team of Lazer and HEAT Vipers, hot pink SAW VIPER and Major Bludd, stealing Copperhead's spotlight. Oh and Lampreys, I mean boat drivers gotta be stealth to the radar too. The boats not so much.

Slaughters Marauders: Ugly ass figures, that break when you put stuff in their hands! This is quite possibly the worst sub group ever, zany bright blue camo, terrible characters such as Barbeque, and the rest have awkward missing details like Footloose's watch or Spirit's eyebrows, y'know that stuff that doesn't make your figure look like it's got skin diseases or starring roles in community theatre reenditions of The Hills Have Eyes.

Man, Barbecue's figure is peculiar, he's got the most decent looking "HAY DUDES LET'S WEAR UNIFORMS THAT HAVE RANDOM COLOR CHANGES EVERY SECTION OF OUR BODY" as they aren't slanted like Spirit's or seem so completely forced like the others. But Mr. Gabriel's head is bright fucking blue. And so is his shoulder armour so your desire to have a non orange and non blue Barbeque can't happen

Sgt Slaughter is on his fourth version at this point too. Man that's more bizarre than Tripwire getting three releases in the 80s. Here he looks like he hangs out with the Dreadnoks what with the blue tanktop and rape whistle. And shit he had terrible accesories, a baton and nothing else, not even the removeable hat from the 1988 version

Sky Patrol: So you've got a dude who looks like he's straight outta House Party 2, a guy who stole his name, a guy who stole the "Indian guy who jumps outta airplanes" gimmick who also happens to be "the Sgt. Major of the Army" a generic guy, and another generic guy who happens to lead the group despite being in a squad with "THE SGT MAJOR OF THE ARMY". I ain't a stickler for military realisim because I'm not some dude in the army who has to remind you that he's in the army and knows more about kids toys than you, but the rankings there are a little out of whack.

The figures are actually pretty decent but don't have much personality, except for Static Line that cat's got an amazing haircut, which wasn't totally dated at the time, apparently he looks at the floor and finds money, man what a cool guy.

Eco Warriors from 1991: By this point subgroups were both Joe and Cobra, so you got lopsided fights instead of 3 to 1 subgroup fights. That's progress for you.

Flint Radical a new Flint, except he's wearing and green suit and has pink stains on him. Weak. But hey he doesn't look like an asshole with the incredibly lopsided beret. Really could have used a shotgun.

Clean Sweep: Good god this guy looks more like a sexual predator than Torpedo, what the fuck convinced them to make such an ugly guy. He coulda used a molded on helmet. the brown ECO WARRIOR BATTLE DAMAGE STAIN POLLUTION stuff is really fitting.

Ozone: What's with the 70's lumberjack facial hair dude, soon goes to space.

Cesspool: Y'know an evil corporate polluter probably isn't gonna get targeted by an Anti Terrorist Group, it's more like a Terrorist organization to attack the corporations, but I'm pretty sure Cobra was some wacky convoluted metaphor for the communists.

Sludge Viper: This guy was pretty gnarly except for the yellow and turqoise coloring.

Toxo Viper: This guy was pretty gnarly except for the purple and green coloring, also not in a leaky suit.

That's most of the subgroups that people like or hate or whatever, I've come to the conclusion that subgroups are the Warren Zevon to the main line's Jackson Browne. Goofier, occasionally better, less liked by regular people and more likely to be about raping and killing teenager girls

I don't care that you're only 13, 13 is my lucky number

Recently I was looking at G.I. Joe action figures, and noticed "Good christ, Torpedo looks kinda like Brian Peppers wearing a scuba mask" this I found hilarious, and then I remembered Joe fans gave Torpedo the nickname of "pedo". Pedo is short for pedophile, so I got a kick out of a guy who's nickname is synonomus with driving in a van, growing mustaches, and having sex with children, looking a lot like a sexual predator.






thanx too google image search for the rockin' Brian Peppers on velvet image.

Master Collector has a sure fire way to get assholes to fork over money

From The Desk Of The Esteemed Doctor Henry Edward Miller..




Ahahahahahahahhahahahahahahhahahhahahaha

Ahah

Hah

Ooooh

Hah


Basicly Master Collector is telling people to spend money on two crappy looking figures, and this isn't exactly Kraft Mac And Cheese money, this is 78 dollars. When your the average Joe fan who makes 140 bucks a week at the Wendy's in Mt Pocono Pennsylvania or rides the bus to Wal-Mart to buy figures thats a lot of money.

And thats not for both tanks, no, thats for ONE tank.

With MC's background in shitty quality and problems mailing things out I'm sure this will go off without any problems I am 100% percent in belief of this. Wait no I'm not.

To all you people who bought this, you just walked away from the convention with the most expensive HISS driver ever made with nothing to show for it.

What a waste of a great tank.

Stupid cliched internet Joe fan ideas

Joe fans are not creative, wel they were in like 1998 but now-a-days they all think the same damn way and cool cats get ignored so everyone can listen to some hacks who like everything, have bad sense of military lingo and sure as hell enjoying throwing tons of pictures of "BATELZ IN THE TALL GRASS" at people

Anyways, now that I've got that critique of people being sheep off my chest it's time to point out things every jerk seems to do:

#1. Put all international joes into "Action Force" Yeah, I totally see Argentineans going "Sorry Margret Thatcher for that Falklands incident let's all fight terror together!" seriously if your too fucking ignorant to realize "Hey not everybody is gonna want to fight that terrorism together" maybe you should read a book instead of playing with children's toys.

#2. Customs of Female Cobra's named "Black Aria". Seriously there's like 11 better songs by Glenn Danzig to steal names from than some lame ass solo project he did. Also what the fuck is with all of these usually being females who happen to be dark skinned, why is it okay for this or Hitler customs but if someone was to do a custom of Ronald "Jermain" Reagan as a Klansman with a filecard that read "Primary Military specialty: Feeding Corporations Secondary Military Specialty:Terrorisim" there'd be a lynching?

#3. Reusing comic storylines: Serpentor causing Cobra Command to splinter and fight amongst itself while the Joes have to get involved too? I swear I read this in 1988 but now it's just got way more allusions to jesus.

#4. Not creating your own characterizations. "Gee, Mike T. says he potrays this guy as this. I better do so as well" Man, fuck this garbage, you should attempt to have the creatitivity to say "Hmm this guy has a cool idea but I should think up something for myself" and then decide that the part for part Black Vulture custom you just made and insist on calling "A Brute Negro" should be something like "Armor commander" or "Cyber Paratrooper" or something that isn't what every other goddamned person is doing.

#5. Using the Oktober Guard in your present day joeverse/Making a Chinese version of the Oktober Guard: Man, the Oktober Guard is dead and they ain't real OG's either. They didn't have a dude named "Afu" pour a 40 oz on the corner, when they got blown away in some jungle, and making a Chinese version is cool and topical now, but I've met people from China they aren't all martial artists or named "FouJou JouFou" Plus Chinese women don't wear whatever the fuck Chun Li wore on her head in Street Fighter II, sorry all you japanophiles.

#6. Making Grand Slam an important character: Yeah, what the hell is this dudes, trying to live vicariously through 4 inch hunks of plastic (OH NO TOMMY WHEELER, DON'T MAKE A POST ABOUT THIS ON THE INTERNET YELLING ABOUT HOW YOU MET SOME JERK WHO WAS ON THE MOON BECAUSE OF G.I.JOE. THE MOON LANDING WAS FAKE AND YOUR TWO MONTHS BEHIND IN THE RENT) anyways, Grand Slam is a pretty important character when he's not using his jetpack to blow up terrordromes or whatever, he's the original tertierary support character. Without him you would've had a bunch of dudes who are important, or well characterized in the 82 line, so by making him something he's not your really just hurting everyone else.

G.I. Joe is something that can be really fun and make you think when you decide not to use tired old 25 year old stories and put your own spin on things. If I had to use Snake Eyes as Superjoe the amazing silent ninja soldier, I wouldn't have been able to shape my joe world into something I found incredibly well thought out and not full of 10 of every 15 Joe characters being connected to one dude.

Recently I was left in charge of compelteing an article about the new 25th Anniversary joes by everybodies favorite Doctor. Henry E. Miller. However being a dude who's life revolves around drinking up and boogien' down and living off the backs off several in the dark women, I started and didn't finish, after getting through four or five I got bored, and then I received a message from da boss; Ralph Nader (No you angry republican joe fans, not the guy who belives in a better world, helping people and not being a complete and utter whore for corporations like the main parties) who was all "look yu guys arenent bringing dollors in the monies amounts neded. levar is gunn kil my doter" and then he told me he tried to hire a new guy saying something about how he wrote Joe Filecards. Here's his transmissions:

Mr wheeler, it has been well publicized that your FREELANCE WRITER skills are availible. would you, mr Tommy be interestored in performing writing activities for the #1 fastest rising in key democraficks (white guys who are fearing the helter skelter)

now corey you must be asking "How the monetary situation helps me?" well you will receive a per word comission, so the more you write with the more lyrical refrences to the greatest musician of all time Bruce Loose, the more money you receive. How are you mr Tomas Wheelhouse going to compare the lyrical genius of I SAW YOU SHINE to the Battle Android Trooper? I have no clue you will be paid the big bux* for it

Now you may be asking "oh noes ethel** why should I be writing for the blog/" well you must take into account our wonderful incetinve package including "1 autographed by jose cortez the lovrrr III Jeru the Damaoa t-shirt depicting Jero and WTC towa #1 on fire 5 potatoes a package of gum and a used two times copy of MCTDF 9 daddy's revenge also 1 roadpig v2. Also you may be able to forefit all but potatoes 9as americanhero dan quale taught us0 and recieve stock auctionz


also mr thomas stinson, to know how well you fit in with the high class guy of doctor minister and esquire we must know your opinions of #1 the negros 2 women 3 mister bojangles 4. professional wrestler fit finlay and #5 police brutality

about the author: I am a STS public relations department supervisor and figure "that serious business is on the internet" is how we can make money.THIS IS A REAL NOT FAKE JOB OFFER WE GOTTA CLEAN UP THE WAY TO LIBEAL MEDIA OF G.I.JOE. Help the 3 mans I hried who write good things about TIGER FROCE AND DREADKNOKZ

it was sureol 2 be reel

*talk to me about money
**is ethel your wifes name?"

Ralph said he never got a reply. but hey life is cheap so stop living for depression ha ha ha there's no place as bad as southern california the wheel gives me the flipper blues (oh oh ay oh I just made myself 80 bucks)

Sometimes, I wonder why I stay with the hobby, after all that has been pulled with both Hasbro and the community.


And then I realize why: Because of the sheer entertainment the characters provide me. And no one, especially the community, can take that away from me.

Tom Jacks, Esq.

Direct To Consumer Action Figures: A look at stuff I didn't buy!

The DTC line of figures were a funny gimmick "YEAH MAN WE GET TO ORDER THESE OVER THE INTERNET NOW, AND WON'T WASTE GAS LOOKING ALL OVER TOWN!" was the original battle cry for people defending Hasbro's plans, those arguments were still used even after the Toys R Us Stores started stocking them. Also there's lots of websites run by jerks, fanboys or guys who aren't Eugene Son that have pictures of these toys, open a new window and then you can see pictures and read ths stuff.

So all 5 of you who read this, let's look at the bad figures:

Red Zone: Boy this figure has some horrible facial hair, and a terrible name "Red Zone" I wonder if we'll get Night Force All Spice and Slaughters Marauders Right Guard next. His filecard makes him out to be an asshole, saying he beats prisoners during interrogations. "HAY GUYS I ASSAULT MINORITIES AND THE INNOCENT LET ME ON YOUR ANTI TERRORISM TEAM" maybe he should've been Tiger Force instead.

Scrap Iron: What the fuck happened to Scrap Iron? He used to be a rad guy with an awesome vest, a realistic outfit and great weapons, now he looks like a cyberspace insect man wearing a full body sweater and retarded armor. Honestly why did Scrap Iron (who's character is "I hate the world and imperfection") decide "hmm, I shall wear armor that doesn't match" And good god has the ability to sculpt a COBRA gone to hell that much since 1993?

Major Bludd: Gee Bludd, poetry and scarfs losing that eye must've made you really sad

Salvo: Why the fuck did they bother remaking you?

"Med Alert": Your name sounds like one of those products for old people who get swindled easily. Why'd they bother making you, everybody has Lifeline, and he wasn't (always) a schmuck in Orange who carried guns. He had an air mask, a medical pack- something this jerk is missing and a smirk (war crimes...fun) Your just another plain cracker in an ugly costume.

Monkeywrench: Yeah, who doesn't wear metal knee pads on their jeans? Don't worry I'm not gonna compare you're "punk look" to your original "punk look" seeing as you look and still look like a guy who was a huge fan of Slayer and the 10 000 other bands that sound exactly like Slayer. Also Monkeywrench, your hair makes you look like more of an asshole than Keith Morris.

That BAT 6 pack that came out that one year: Well two of these figures were released like 12 times in two years, and the other four look like goddamned Burger King Toys, so the only thing constructive I can add is if you swap a bunch of parts and get the straight arms and antennae'd head you can get a pretty rad old time-y 1950's creature feature Robot (that's how BATs should be used anyways. Fuck this clothed robots with the ability to fire guns noise

Hasbro; what the fuck were you thinking?

Tiger Force is a controversial sub-team in the G.I. Joe most people think "Damn man those yellow fatigues aren't good for Jungle warfare" but there's a few who go "Damn, do we really need a version of Lifeline that's gonna rape and kill a teenage girl and cut off her ears and wear them on a necklace?"



"Take that you little lemon bastard!"

While I realize "Hey, the Tiger Force war crimes stuff wasn't discovered until like 2003" but there are people who go on about G.I. Joe being state of the art and incredibly chock full of Military Realism, so wouldn't Hasbro a multi million dollar corporation have been able to do some homework and realize "Hey maybe this isn't such a good idea?" Of course they could have but damn those cardbacks are a little harder to replace than stigma of war toys not being neccesarily a healthy thing for children to play with.

Shit, it just dawned on me that Hasbro released the TRU Tiger Force 5 pack after the "Uh hey, you guys, we did some really really horrible things to a lot of innocent people forty years ago" news coverage, now that doesn't really seem to be a smart thing to do. I'm surprised more people didn't go "Hey why are toy companies releasing toys celebrating war crimes?" but people are usually too busy to notice that shit I guess. Fanboys should probably rejoice at that as if people made that connection which may be untrue (I for one sure hope Hasbro didn't call them Tiger Force in tribute) the newly relaunched Joe probably would've died a quick death and wouldn't be brought back to the extent it has, oh well would we have lost all that much?

The Tiger Force figures were hit and miss though. Half of them were terrible with yellow pants and chest armor (You know the real common military equipment) and those who were released after 1988 were bad too. But Duke and Flint were really decent figures, Roadblock v2 was pretty rad and had the coolest Joe Helmet ever. And atleast Tiger Force Stalker didn't have the usual "Subject served in the same LRRP unit as Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow during the South East Asian conflict" Stalker FC's usually have.

Which is my face, which is a buiding which is on fire: 1985 Barbecue

From The Desk Of The Esteemed Doctor Henry Edward Miller

1985 is considered a banner year for Hasbro and the GI Joe toyline, many of the fan favorite figures who's characters are etched into the very core of Joe mythos, figures like Shipwreck, Crimson Guard and Lady Jaye (Favorite of 25 year old sexless dorks) are considered to go hand in hand with the GI Joe line. Now the good doctor doesn't understand the infatuation with this year among fans, the figures are, lets be honest here: Average. You got a couple of kick ass figures like Footloose, Flint, The Dreadnoks, the Crimson Guard and a couple of really nice drivers, but other then that the figures go from plain average figures like Dusty, Tomax and Xamot and Frostbite (Who would be totally forgettable without his m-16). Some forgettable ones like Tollbooth and Alpine to straight down lame street: Quick Kick, Airtight, Bazooka (Why does every Joe missile specialist have to look like a pedo?) Shipwreck, Lady Jaye and Snake Eyes (Yes I went there you fanboy jerks). But today we profile perhaps the most useless Joe made as of 85': Barbecue

I first got Barbecue along with Airtight and Dusty, Dusty got regulated to the desert VAMP and only came out when I needed to do some battlin' in the pile of sand in the backyard, Airtight was killed off on his first mission and Barbecue I didn't know what to do with. He had a really cool axe, which I gave to Ripper so he could hit jerks with it, but his job was a firefighter. Why the heck would a special forces team need a firefighter? I tossed BBQ's weapons into a drawer and stuck him on my shelf and wondered what to do with him. I never needed my Joes to put out fires, so why would I need some asshole wearing a orange suit with a stupid helmet?

Then it hit me: Team him up with Blowtorch and have my very own situational comedy: Blowtorch lights fires and BBQ puts them out but what happens when they share an apartment together? Comedic conflict! Well accually I stuck BBQ and Blowtorch in the back room of the HQ and pretended they were playing Nintendo all the time with Bazooka and all the other Joe's that never went on missions.

Barbecue continued to be a background character in my childhood Joe-verse, sometimes he'd be hanging out on the Flagg or a gunner on a vehicle that would get ambushed. The much superior 1986 figures like Beachhead and Mr Fuji Roadblock got all the time on the important missions. And by the time 87 and 88 rolled around poor Barbecue was regulated to some bottom of the barrel duty like the secret shoebox base in my closet.

But why was Barbecue so forgotten and thrown to the side?

Well maybe it was his bright color, like Airtight, he conflicted with the rest of the realistically colored Joe's. It could have been his forgettable accessories, a tiny water pistol and a water tank backpack is not exactly what I call "timeless". Or maybe it was just his facelessness, the guy was wearing a sliver helmet all the time, one of the reasons I don't like Airtight. Up until then every Joe had a face, and a distinct headmold, even the repainted heads from 82 were distinct in a way, and here you have a brightly colored guy wearing a sliver helmet that looks like it belongs on a Cobra, and he's here to put out you're fires. It just did not work back then and I cannot justify having this guy in my GI Joe team now. There may not be a place for this figure in the lines history other then "Uninteresting background character" but alas, so many figures fall under that moniker, and somehow, thats fitting for this figure who was just another figure in the line, just another piece of plastic for you're parents to spend money on, just another goofy toy to talk about 23 years after the fact, but hey, any figure that allows me to use a Talking Heads lyric in the title has to be worth something right?

The Doctors Final Thoughts: It amazes me that this mold was repainted, and fittingly in one of the lines most forgettable if not the worst subset ever, It's one of those great mysteries: like having 3 different Tripwires by 1990 or the fact the Hit N Run mold was never used again or just why was 86 Roadblock smiling? We may never know, but rest assured The Doctor will not rest until these mysteries are solved. Or not.

Focus On: Scoop

1989: The original GI Joe era from 1982-1986 had just ended, and we were in the middle of what I like to call the "second era" of the line, the years of 1986 to 1991. Between these years we had new characters that were replacements (and in some cases, supplements) to original characters, a few new molds and new looks for older characters, and some characters that were so bizarre that their origin and place would forever be cemented in the late 1980's.

1989 was toward the end of this era, and proved to be an interesting one to say the least. The previous year had introduced the first-ever sub themes: Tiger Force and Night Force. Color-coordinated repaints and releases of older favorites became immensely popular among collectors (Night Force Muskrat being a personal favorite). In 1989 Hasbro came back out with two new collections, the Python Patrol (which is possibly the most popular) and Slaughter's Marauders (which is probably the worst, considering the figures were prone to constant crotch and finger breakage). Future favorites Night Viper, Alley Viper, and another Snake Eyes came out in this year as well. Today, I'd like to profile a severely forgotten figure that came out this year: Scoop.




Ask most collectors about Scoop and you'll most likely get puzzled faces. The reason for this? Scoop was only released for one year, was never remade, and his parts were never used again. His specialty would also play into this: Scoop was essentially a journalist/field reporter.



Although his filecard claimed he had (some) military background, I never really saw him as being in any hands-on combat situations, and how he is used in the community concurs with me. As a child, I had disgarded all of his accessories (and gave them to another, perhaps boring figure) and left him with his helmet, using him primarily as a vehicle gunner. Scoop's file card art is a bit silly, if you really analyze it. A man wearing about 60 pounds of television/radio equipment, into combat, and he's only arrmed with a small pistol? A little bit unrealistic if you ask me. However, there was no harm done when it came to Scoop. I have no disdain for the character at all, and view him (at least) as an intresting addition to the Joe line-up.

Unfortunately, I have to take a cynical turn now.

Looking upon the character today, I highly doubt that someone similar today could be added to the "GI Joe" of today. My main reasoning? The bulk of the community that follows the current product hates the media. Period. If a character like this would be relased in this day and age 2007, claims of being part of the biased "liberal-run media" would be slung left and right. Gone now are the days where journalists are viewed as independents, wherenow people judge them to have a bias even before one word comes out of their mouths. (To be fair to the neckbeards, both conservatives and liberals are guilty of doing this.) And a character like this would simply be too controversial in this day and age. It would be like bringing out a doctor and have one fan mention the word "abortion", to the same effect of throwing gas on a fire. Today's world simply cannot handle something too controversial such as a "combat journalist" and its a real shame.

Perhaps, Scoop was just right for his time.

- Tom Jacks, Esq.

Foreign Figures: The Good, The Bad, The Mispronounced

Today I look at something that either pisses off collectors or dominates them, Foreign Joes, enjoy:

First up on the chopping block is "Abrute Negro" or Black Vulture, this figure looks decent, even though he's like 65% Dee Jay (AKA Space Gigolo 8000). The big problem is that when becoming a honky he also began looking fat. As a character he seems okay but I'm guessing he's some sort of paratrooper because motherfuck learning Portuguese.

I have a problem with the Black Vulture, as 90% of jerks who talk about him refer to him as "Abrute Negro" now I always hear it coming out of their mouths like so many cheeto crumbs as "A Brute Negro" and it bothers the hell out of me. The only other thing about him that is cumbersome is the number of custom figures of him of which 90% are part for part recreations (HAY I GET THIS, NERDS ARE CHEAP) or the occasional Conquistador because you know, Brazil is always the first thing I think of when I think of Spaniards coming and killing the natives of lands they find (for those of you who are slow witted, I'm being sarcastic. Brazil is Portuguese and I think of the Neil Young song Cortez the Killer)

The next one we'll look at is COBRA DE ACO; here's a guy who I think is pretty rad in character context, figure wise he's a neat looking but rather useless figure. Now I could talk about horrible customs or how R@RE AND EXPEN$IVE he is, but that shit is old hat, I'm gonna talk about how I always think of the greatest G.I.Joe board troll in history when I think of this figure.

Mike Fountain was a guy who was the BADDEST MAN ON EBAY. He spent a lot of money on Foreign Figures (like 500 bucks on a Ninja Ku). Fountain was best known for harassing Corey Stintson through e-mail over e-bay auctions and then going on the USENET board with his pal TONYMONTANA (who this modern day hero was we will never know, could have been Mike himself the e-mail addresses are mad similar) and harassing other dudes and coining the greatest name for Stintson in history "Corey Chump Stintson" the Google groups were also a dumping ground for his eBay auctions too. Mike had an ego too, such an ego that he had his own website. Straight out of 1998 with a gaudy background image, a bunch of random pictures and yellow text telling us how he's a warrior. A Warrior on the battlefield of internet auctions. Mike Fountain disappeared around 2000. I figure it's because he got signed by Ottawa, no one likes Ottawa. Rumors persist (between me, and Henry Miller) that he was the original Stiches, but that's probably a cop out answer as we all know that Stiches was the Mexican guy who lives with Tom Jacks, Esq.


The final ones I'll do today are Satan and Ninja Ku the South American Ninjas we all wish we have. I like these guys because it shows me that the Argentineans were awesome and not afraid of offending jerks and crucifucks when they weren't too busy making people disappear and killing communists and trade unionists with CIA money. Satan was rad because he shot arrows that turned into lasers and had a cool name (Whoa Danzig could have wrote a song about him man) and Ninja Ku was a black man about 20 years before Hasbro realized "HAY MAYBE WE SHOULD DIVERSIFY COBRA THEY'RE STARTING TO LOOK LIKE THE KLAN" which makes him cool in my books, he also had Nunchucks which is a sign of a good figure well, if you count any figure other than Storm Shadow v1 a good figure. Too bad jerks try to give Satan a lame PC Yellow fever name of "Sei Tin" which is goofy and the dudes who make Ninja Ku customs seem to forget he's got black skin and isn't another white guy.

On that note, it is the end. Remember if you don't want to look like an asshole say the english version of their Portuguese names, and when you do a custom do a decent one that's got some artistic license not a copy of something designed for children in Brazil.

Absurd Funskool Filecards: A Caravan Of Fun!

From The Desk Of The Esteemed Doctor Henry E Miller:

Funskool, a toy company from India has been producing GI Joe figures for quite some time now, and with these figures comes some silly accessories and even sillier filecards. Often the Indian filecards are better then the Hasbro ones simply because there way more entertaining then the ones that bum that couldn't even get a writing gig before GI Joe came along ever did, when Thomas Wheeler wrote the 97/98 filecards he could have taken an idea or two from the following, because Anti Tank Canon specialists who "strenghad" there teams are way more entertaining then "COBRA TROOPERS ARE SO DUMB I DON'T KNOW HOW THEY DO STUFF".

General Flagg:


If I ever joined the military, I sure hope my specialty would be "Missile launch" because I would use my extensive training to operate missiles and annihilate those deadly Cobras, would they even stand a chance?

Zarana:



She escaped wearing a granny outfit and shortchanged a Taxi Driver, that sounds like something out of one of the later Police Academy movies, what did they send the rookie, the half blind veteran and the retard to surround this building? Who ever wrote these has a very warped perception of what an evil person is.

Dodger:


Does he keep that confusing garble of words inside the "Secret Chamber"? Its great to know GI Joe has a guy who has 3D glasses, Weather radar, Photoshop and stuff for blinding jerks.

Tunnelrat:


Tunnelrat just may be the fastest chinaman in all of country! He caused a rock slide, and boy, he sure couldn't wait to see them so he could shoot them at point blank range! I'm sure the villagers he crushed under the rockslide sure loved that one.

Tripwire:



"Hey uh Tormond..nice name by the way, okay my main man, heres your new uniform now everyone will know what your job is!"

Cutter:



Well when they predicted the battle with Cobra would continue into the next millennium also, I had no idea how they would strengthenad the GI Joe team with specialists, but thank god here comes the Anti Tank Canon expert code named as CUTTER who check mates every move of Cobras.

Phew, thats a relief!


Here at Smash The State we are all about international love, and these filecards have provided me and my business partners tens of minutes of enjoyment, and we hope they do the same for you. If your GI Joe team ever needs a member of the BOMB SQUAD or a Anti Tank Canon Expert, look towards our friends at Funskool, they got us covered.


The Doctors Final Thoughts: Strengthenad

Comic Packs: A slap to the face of collectors

A lot of people talk about how the Comic Packs were Hasbro's way of reaching out to collectors, but were they really? 90% of them were terrible. Is being 100% accurate to the comics in certain areas all that good an idea? No it's not.

Tiny Heads: So you finally get a chance at an awesome version of Hawk and Stalker, after all the horrible versions since 2000 for Hawk, and 1997 for Stalker, and you get figures who look like jerks because of their tiny heads. I guess the original heads might be a little large, but the comic pack heads were so small you look like an asshole when you put them near any decent figures (01 Sure Fire, 83 Rock N Roll, Mr Fuji Roadblock)

So you think well maybe after they get their kinks out we'll get some awesome figures with good proportions and all that, then you see all the way up to issue #9 and it's all small heads, but hey Zap with the pedo 'stache looks decent compared to Hawk but still it's a little small. And hell they're going to some good issues next, They don't seem to fuck up Roadblock with the new releases he'll turn out fine.

And then you see them, and realize "They really don't care about proportions" this went on till the end, killing some really good figures like Buzzer, Ripper and stupid cowl Zartan (They should have just made the pointed forehead go down to his nose and complete the Zartan to Glenn Danzig allusions I made up with Doctor Miller last week)

Re-molds and part choices: They sure remolded some useless shit (85 Lady Jaye mold for example) and made some dumb part decisions, "Hay this 91 Hawk waist and legs look bad with the 82 torso, should we release it 4-5 times? Of course!.

Colors and appearances: You know what, the yellow wasn't too bad, a bit bright but subdued enough on Zap to be make him the only decent non-snake eyes original 13 figure, but some color schemes were bad, OrangishBrown Zartan with Batman facepaint was terrible, and what the hell was up with Grunt and his purple suit, they should have just made 2 Zap bodies for issue #4 mismatched parted figures are better than whack ass Strike First losers being impersonated by the lamest Joe from 82 not named Grand Slam

So if someone tries to give you that "Hasbro has attempted to cater to collectors" talking point, they're just goons who don't realize that Hasbro was faking that to get them to give them more money (corporations do that. They don't try hard to make things the kids and collectors can both enjoy! they don't care about there products, they care about your dollars)

Monkey Ams, Bowlegs And Giant Fists: How the new sculpts ruined Joe forever.

From The Desk Of The Esteemed Doctor Henry Edward Miller:

I don't know how many of you folks were around back in 2001, probably not a great many of you, most of the old timers have been driven away by the overall shit state the fandom and the figures are in. Well back six years ago (Has it really been that long?) the fandom was in a strange place, we had been getting new figures for four years, but the figure choices were strange, not in a bad way, some refreshing repaints emerged out of that strange era in Joe collecting. For guys who really dug obscure figures and characters it was a field day. The line was a shell of its former self, but somehow, Hasbro was doing something right, because the 00-01 line of figures were great. None of the figures are endearing greats like the ones from the early 80's, but almost every figure was worth buying. Even a Dialtone with flesh colored gloves and no mustache had us excited. There was news of a brand new line featuring new sculpts things were finally looking up!

Then we saw pictures of the brand new Joe Vs Cobra figures, new sculpts with NO FUCKING O-RING. From the depths of the internet where our pathetic little ring of websites is located a giant collective scream could be heard, the collectors stood up as one, the "O-Ring MIA" petition began, our Utopian vision of a new GI Joe line was crashing all around us and goddamnit we weren't gonna let them do it! Well that momentary furor died down, the fanboys went back to being fanboys, certain individuals got down on there knees for Hasbro once again, the first wave hit the stores, and it was probably the worst collective group of Joe figures to hit the shelfs at once ever. I'm being serious, not even the neon figures of the 90's or Joes dressed in giant robot costumes was this bad. We now had an entire line of figures that resembled a line of knock offs. The anger died down, the fanboys got worse and we waited.

Then pictures of "Wave 1.5" came out, and the O-ring was coming back! We had classic style figures on the shelfs again (even if it was a bunch of unspectacular repaints) and finally, Hasbro got there heads out of there asses. Maybe, just maybe, things would be good once again.

We got Wave 2, and 3 and so on and so on. Every figure was a horribly proportioned piece of garbage, we had moon boots Flint, a Beachhead that looked like some fatassed 12 year olds notebook drawing, a Mindbender who couldn't move his arms, an anemic Baroness. The entire JVC line is really one of GI Joe's black eyes, the flooding of the market with new figures (Most of them crappy repaints) and the influx of new members to the fandom diluted it, and we haven't been the same since.

The Doctor may have very well given up collecting if it wasn't for the surprisingly well done first wave of Spy Troops, even with the absurd concept, these figures were not too bad, they were a lot like the ARAH assortment from 2000, mostly obscure characters alongside brand new ones. The figures didn't look like garbage, and this lineup produced some of the nicer new style figures (Roadblock, Lab Coat Mindbender, both Destros) but as the year progressed and the line unfolded, the figures began to look terrible again, figures like Widescope, who looks like a 12 year old dressed up for Halloween. Horrible vehicles.They looked like monkeys again, and probably rightfully so, because we were about to get a whole heapin' pile of ape shit thrown in our faces.

Valor Vs Venom: FEATURING ACTION ATTACK.

I'm not touching these, I don't want to go on another four paragraphs about how bad these figures were, nothing good came from his line. Nothing. Nadda, nothing at all.

In the interim Hasbro did collectors Lip Service with a few army builder packs that were in all rights pretty nice. It proved someone at Hasbro hasn't lost it just yet. The Comic Packs had potential even if they were released to shut the collectors up.

Then the line slowly lost steam, the horrible Valor Vs Venom line played it self out, and we got introduced to Sigma Six: A complete bastardization of the Joe name, and I found myself longing for the days of Double Blast and Chameleon. If you wanted figures that weren't 8 inch peices of shit you had to order them off the internet, at last all the nerds could breath easy, they don't have to risk going out among the "mean people" who stare at them mumbling to themselfs about repaints while wiping the pork sweat off there foreheads with handi wipes from there fanny packs. What disgusted me about this was, the fandom had become so accustomed to crap on the shelfs that many of them welcomed Sigma Six, and those who didn't were driven away and ganged up on. Where was the anger that the fandom had in 2002? I guess it was buried under the direct to consumer figures that looked like uninspired customs and even those waves of figures have stopped. The GI Joe's that we grew up with and collected for many years are offically dead, and with that goes my collecting interest. The 25th Anniversary figures look like crap, all those joints will become loose and break and they are goofy as hell. Its offically a fanboys hobby now, and those who bring the alternative opinions to the message boards, I award you.

It's sad really. Who knows where the hobby will be in 10 years, let alone 5. I am preying that Hasbro finally lets the line die, maybe I'm just a grumpy old fuck.


The Doctors Final Thoughts: Not much to say here, other then: GI Joe is dead, and it was the New Sculpts that killed it.

Man what happened to you?

From The Desk Of The Esteemed Doctor Henry Edward Miller:

Consider this a follow up to my business partner Johnny Turks post about replacements, instead of taking a look at replacement specialists we will take a look at the members of the original 13 who received new molds later in the line, and in most cases, the results were laughable. I am not including comic pack figures in this, nor the new sculpt figures.

Clutch.

The 82/83/84 Clutch is an amazing figure, and he has the best default character in the lines history, he drives a really cool jeep and hangs out with Rock N Roll.

Then he got a new mold in 1993

In the 10 years since his original figure, he shaved, traded in his green and tan for bright orange and his bitchin' jeep for some retarded APC and came with a tub of playdough that you supposedly mold around his body to protect him from the dangers of Cobras ECO WEAPONS~! (Also known as squirt guns). So instead of an awesome guy with an awesome jeep you have a dude who looks like a traffic cone who is covered in dry play dough and lint. Awesome prank, Hasbro.

I'm not even gonna mention the retarded "DOUBLE CLUTCH" new sculpt figure that came with a dune buggy or something.


Grunt:

His original figure was a generic solider, he was an every day solider, with just the right gear to get the job done.

Fast forward to 1991.

Now hes a dude wearing Razor Ramons shirt, orange pants, and hes always yelling. He reminds me of a 2nd cousin I have who lives in a trailer park in Western PA, hes married to a leather hide with legs and he has two mutant children who smell like toilets. His only redeeming factor is one Christmas he gave me a six pack of Yuengling beer, the real shit right from the brewery, then he proceeded to ruin Christmas by doing coke in my aunts bathroom with his wife and passing out behind a couch.

So yeah, every time I think of 91 Grunt I think of cousin Artie.

Zap:

He had an Egghead and played with rockets and stuff, then he grew a mustache and bought some sliver boots with rockets strapped to them. SOLIDER OF THE FUTURE.

Rock And Roll:

The original Rock and Roll mold is the best figure ever made. Period. The simple, yet effective mold has never been topped, and will never be. He had an awesome shirt with bandoleers of ammo and had a really realistic looking M-60. He played bass in a rock band and surfed and probably did bong hits behind the giant computer in the HQ.

In 1989 they released a decent mold of him with some retarded weapons, not much damage done here, but nothing will ever top the 1982 Rock And Roll. This mold was repainted in awful colors. Then he became a robot.

Then in 1997 he couldn't make up his mind about his race!

Scarlet:

Probably the worst figure of the original assortment, with her bright colors and spandex looking outfit was "updated" in 1993 with thunderthighs and another stupid outfit. She also had a grenade in a very precarious location.

The only good thing about the 1993 scarlet is the GI Joe warfare guy made a very nice custom using the head on the 97' Lady Jaye body way back in the day.


Short Fuse:

He wouldn't see another release aside from a repaint in the 97 Stars And Stripes set where his hair mysteriously was died brown (Something that happened a lot in 1997 I've noticed) until 2004, when he returned as the Downtown mold with a new paint job. Not a bad repaint, and he was in the decent Night Force set.

Stalker:

The Joe's original Jive Soul Bro was the coolest figure in 82 not named Rock and Roll. He had a unique headsculpt, a cool gun, and camouflage. Then in 1989 he traded this all in for an outfit with pants covered a mysterious brown substance and he wore a pair of oven mitts. He was Mr Fujiafied and had a huge backpack in 1991. Lonso wouldn't be done justice again until 1994, when that mold with black highlights (Not the lame yellow ones) was released. The 97 repaint is an underrated figure and if it wasn't for the shady quality of the 97 (HOLY SHIT, that was ten years ago) it would be better remembered.

Snake Eyes.

There has been 28 versions of Snake Eyes since 1982, and none of them as good as the original, with a badass Uzi and a pack of C4.

Hawk:

His original figure was plain, and came with a pretty lame vehicle, nobody who didn't read the comics probably understood that he was the leader of the Joe's. In 1986 he received the best update of all of the original 13 with a bitchin' leather jacket and nice camo pants and a pretty sweet pistol. The hair dying also helped. As the line progressed, he got a bad tan, had a huge backpack, became a space man, a robot. Changed his name again and then changed it yet again.

Really the Hawk Character has not been topped since the 86 mold, and the original was pretty damn lame to begin with so he was an improvement.

Breaker:

This poor bastard got the short end of the stick, first he got shot up by the SAW viper, then in 1997 he shaved his beard and borrowed roadblocks green Macy's vest. His original figure is one of the standout figures from the original line and despite what hamfisted comic book fanboys will tell you, beards are cooler then being shaved.

Steeler:

He was never updated until the Comic Packs, which I am not counting. His original figure is very good, despite coming with probably the lamest tank in the history of the line. Seriously the MOBAT was terrible, I blew mine up with an M-80 and Steeler drove around some knock-off tank instead.

There was also an incredibly rare variant of this figure, but that is a subject for another article

Flash and Grandslam were never updated, probably because they were so damn lame.

The Doctors Final Thoughts: The 1982 Rock And Roll will never, ever be topped, man.

A group of sexless nerds determined to rule the world!

From the desk of the esteemed Doctor Henry Edward Miller:

The newest way for Master Collector to extort peoples money was reveled today:

http://www.mastercollector.com/neat/gijoe/atlanta/RAHpreview.cfm

Apparently Cobra is hiring BSDM sluts to handle there missions of killing innocents, stealing money and creating unpractical super weapons. Instead of realistic action figures, we get some dorks wet dream.

The Doctors Final Thoughts: The Joe vehicle drivers could save this set, I'm sure you could make after market money selling the female troopers to virgins.

This Is What You Get When You GIS G.I. Joe

The Google image search tool can prove to be handy at times. It can also give some intresting (and unexpected) results. Let's take a look, shall we?

Oh geez, we're already starting off on the wrong foot. Chalk up a victory to the lonely men.

Looks like our AT Commander got in a fight with some Mexicans.
(If you don't get it, HE GOT STABBED SEVERAL TIMES, THEY STAB)



The AT Commander at a happier time, during his MySpace years.

What's a better Halloween costume then slaping some mud and paint on your child's face and then making him wear pants with way too many pockets? Who would actually by this for their child?


White guy with bad tattoo, bad facepaint, and drinking a crappy light beer?
HE'S ALL MAN, LADIES




Webcomics don't suck at all, what are you talking about?

And lastly:

DAMMIT NERDS, NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU WANT THIS WILL
NEVER, NEVER, EVER HAPPEN JUST MOVE ON
And please put away your damn Decepticon/Cobra logo t-shirts.

The Replacements- More like the money grubbing move to make more jerks buy stuff

A look at the Joes of 1982 and their replacements:

A while back a internet message board had a thread about unpopular opinions on G.I. Joe, a lot of jerks made comments on how 1982 was bad, but were they right read more to find out, and if you don't want to; the answer is "No"

Clutch and Crankcase: Clutch was a scuzzball greaser, Crankcase was some dude with anger problems unless he was driving fast. So I dunno about you, but I'd rather hang out with a dude with a beard and was fun loving and could get you chicks, than some angry speed-freak with a mustache. Also, why the hell did Crankcase wear a sweater?

Snake Eyes and Snake Eyes: This one is kind of a predicament, it's the same dude but in 82 he was a commando and not a ninja, ninjas are lame especially when they're white dudes (Chris Farley I'm looking at you) so it's a draw because it's the same dude with a sword and a ugly head, man they should have made Snake Eyes a cobra spy or something fuck that jerk

Rock and Roll and Mr Fuji Roadblock: This one is a real stretch, since Roadblock didn't technically replace RnR, but they popped another RB out in '86 as the heavy machine gunner. Roadblock was a good character, but Rock and Roll played Bass and surfed so he was just as cool, so I'm gonna compare the figures, the first Rock and Roll had awesome bandoliers and was different from most of the other 82's, Roadblock looked like Mr. Fuji and had an ugly ass vest. I guess if your full of rare figures and such, you could put a 92 Roadblock head on a 1997 "Whitest dude in the entire set is now a black man" Rock and Roll, since that mold is well colored for once.

Breaker and Dial Tone: Breaker had character traits like bubble gum chewing, Dial Tone didn't have anything, in fact it seems like Dial Tone just spent all his time with radios and shit and couldn't get a real job. Why the hell did all the bearded headed 82's get replaced by dudes with mustaches?

Grand Slam and Starduster: This is a fair one since both were unused by all media, and fans like them both. Grand Slam was a nerd who probably had a 2112 shirt, Starduster was a circus jerk who probably had a "Byrdz 1980 county fairwell tour (thats a joke about dead careers and prog and shit), and both were useless. Jet-packs aren't viable in 2007 definitely not in the mid 80's

Flash and Sci-Fi: Flash was a dude with a cool laser and didn't look like a spaceman. Sci-Fi was a dude with sudden bouts of paralysis. Flash wins because he wasn't neon

Stalker and Beach Head: Stalker was some dude who was in a gang and was good at fighting terrorism and them VC's. Beach Head was a dude who didn't get angry according to his filecard, but I'm positive that dude was angry all the time in the cartoon. Stalker didn't wear sweatpants so he beats Beach Head.

Short Fuze was a lucky man, he didn't get replaced till like 1989 or something I'm only going to 86, I ain't a chump.

Hawk became General Hawk and dyed his hair. Self-Hating Aryans are the worst.

Zap and Bazooka: Zap was a dude who very ugly and had a light green set of fatigues. Bazooka had a goddamned football jersey in bright red! Bazooka was depicted as a moronic overweight man, while Zap was a hispanic dude with bad jokes. Who the christ would take Bazooka over Zap?

Steeler and Heavy Metal: Heavy Metal was a good figure so was Steeler. However Steeler has something against him, he comes from a place with all the draculas, fuck the draculas man. Heavy Metal was named after a horrible genre of music so it's a draw.

That's everyone pretty much, I didn't do Scarlett because I'm not a sick freak who cares about female toys for young children.

Joes have terrible sense of fashion part 1: Pants.

From The Desk Of the Esteemed Doctor Henry Edward Miller.

One of the great struggles the Joe team has fought over the years is not Cobra, but there terrible sense of fashion. High trained commandos tasked with protecting the free world cannot pick out a decent pair of pants! Now, the Doctor is no fashion expert, but I know what not to wear into combat, but apparently these Joe's dont:

1983 Gung-Ho.

This figure is dressed in a pair of pants that look better suited in a break dancing competition then runnin' through the jungle (The devils on the loose). Gung-Ho and his terrible sense of fashion would go uncontested all the way to 1997, when they finally put a respectable version of this figure out.


1984 Roadblock:

This figure started the trend of Joe's wearing orange pants, an epidemic that is still devastating plastic army mans almost 22 years later!

1984 Cutter:

Nice bellbottoms you fruitcup.

1984 Deepsix:

Well your entire body is pretty damn useless so you get a bye here.

1985 Quick Kick:

Put some shoes on man! And a shirt too! Jesus it was a great moment in time when the SAW viper shot your half naked ass halfway across the desert.

1985 Shipwreck:

You and cutter sharing clothes again? Nice bellbottoms asshole.

1986 Dial Tone:

Hey man where did you score those bitchin' green knee-pads?

1986 Beachhead:

You know, every time I looked at Beachhead it reminded me of this kid I knew all throughout school who wore the same brown sweatpants every day. EVERY DAY from 6th grade all the way to graduation. Yeah so I forever associate Beachhead with Rodney Milsworth. Thanks a bunch Hasbro.

1986 Cross Country:

At first glance, it looks like he's wearing his socks up around his knees, only total melvins do that.

1986 Slip Stream:

Leggings are for women dude.

1986 Claymore:

Yeah, listen man, you know the whole Dusty Rhodes idol worship thing, man it just anit working out, I'm gonna drive you to mens warehouse and were gonna pick out a pair of pants with no Polka-Dots on them alright buddy? Lets get some Ice-cream.

1986 Special Missions to Brazil Dialtone:

Since when was the Jungles of Brazil red? for fucks sake, you're a poor breaker replacement, now your trying way to hard!

1987 Crazylegs:

Jesus, iron those things!

1987 Fastdraw:

Strapping Soundproofing to your legs is not gonna protect you from the Zionist leg control lasers turkey.

1989 Stalker:

Homie, you look like you shit yourself.

1989 Hotseat:

THE ORANGE PANTS EPIDEMIC CONTINUES TO SPREAD

1991 Tracker:

Nice pump-ups assface.

The Doctors Final Thoughts :Well what we can conclude here is: The Joes like pants with wacky designs and bright colors.

Next time we take a look at torsos!

Name Changes: The Who, The What, The "You're not my real father!"

Hello, Tom Jacks, Esquire here. How are you? I am fine, thank you for asking.

Being a handsome go-getting lawyer like myself, one of the most common cases you'll have to deal with is changing someones name. And strangely enough, this too happens in the G.I. Joe world. These can happen due to several reasons. While I could write a book as long as the list of people Scott Baio has slept with, I'll only be covering the most prolific.

Roadblock/Double Blast:
When the GI Joe line was introduced in 1982, they really didn't have an electric character to provide comic relief, and an occasional spot of wisdom. That all changed in 1983 with the introduction of Roadblock, the heavy machine gunner who had the perchant to rhyme every sentence he said. Literally. (I'm not sure if he did it in the comic books, the only people that care about those are neckbeards.) Roadblock easily became a favorite among children, after all he talked like Mr. T and carried a huge machine gun. Several versions of Roadblock were produced over the years, included the fabled "Mr. Fuji" version.

When the line was re-launched (albeit a bit toned down) in 2000, Roadblock was nowhere to be found. However in 2001, we were introduced to Double Blast. We could all tell this was Roadblock, however according to Double Blast's file card, he was a completely different person all together. His file card proclaimed him to be the MacGuyver of the Joe world. What, was G.I. Joe so under budget that they just gave him Roadblock's old, dirty uniform, perhaps to confuse Cobra? Strangely, just one year later the same mold (colored differently) was released again as Roadblock. We can only assume that Charles L. Griffith was fired from his job as the "big black guy that carries a machine gun" position. Its still unknown if they made him rhyme like Roadblock.

Baroness/Chameleon
Once again, we revisit the ARAH re-launch of 2000-2002. This time however, it is on Cobra's side. The Baroness, a favorite among lonely men, was very important in the Cobra organization. Only two versions of her figure were released in the line's original run, and one of them was hardly seen at all. This made her one of the most sought after figures to collect. In 2000, Hasbro re-released the mold, but strangely, she was named Chameleon. The file card went on to say that this was not the Baroness, but her "illegitimate half-sister". Oh Hasbro, you scamps. Taping into the soap opera market, are we? Thankfully there wasn't an abortion scandal involving Cover Girl, Mutt, and Junkyard. The file card went on to say that Chameleon went to GI Joe, got plastic surgery, and joined Cobra as the Baroness. So somehow, G.I. Joe could afford all this but couldn't get Double Blast a new uniform? The government, go figure.

As for the figure, most people threw out (and rightly so) the storyline and just used the figure as the Baroness. The Chameleon character was never heard from again and it's probably for the best as the whole situation was rather silly. Several new Baroness figures have since been released, summarily burying the whole story. Besides, chameleons blend into their surroundings, not get plastic surgery and assume identities. Stop watching so much Days of Our Lives, Hasbro.


Hawk/Gen. Hawk/Gen. Tomahawk/Gen. Abernathy/Just For Men User
Where as the first two cases were completely new people, this case involves the same person.
In the initial G.I. Joe launch, there wasn't a clear-cut leader. Sure we had Cobra Commander for Cobra, but who would lead the Joes into battle? Why the man who holds a funny box attached to some missiles, who else? Hawk started out as the field leader for the Joes, before Duke was introduced (don't get me started on that guy). Eventually in 1986 he was moved up to general, and assumed command for the good guys. This of course was before the whole confusing introduction of other generals, admirals, the "original" G.I. Joe and others (once again, comic books, see neckbeards.) In 2002, he was re-named Gen. Tomahawk. Although I doubt he has any Native American blood in him whatsoever.

This could prove to be confusing enough, but in 2004 he was released as Gen. Abernathy. The reasoning for the change from Hawk to Tomahawk was a trademark issue, but to lose it again 2 years later? Hasbro must have hired the same legal team that the Oakland Raiders did, because whenever they lost, they would claim victory. Anyways, whatever you call him now, I'm sure you can agree on this: Abernathy is a man that has serious identity crisis issues, uses Just For Men, and was damn sure annoying in the movie.

So what have we learned from all this? Hasbro needs to keep up on their trademarks and copyrights and stop denying the past. There are several more of these cases out there in the Joe world, but that will be for another time.

Don't trust whitey,
Tom Jacks, Esq.

Lawyers Guns and Government Money the 1983 Airborne story

1983 Airborne profile

My first profile will be the first Joe from 1983 I got, and since that's my favorite year it's a good place to start. Airborne is pretty great for an 83 that has a burden of being a character who's got a race based character, a hard to use specialty and someone wearing bright blue.

I've always used Airborne as an infantryman since the Dragonfly sucked and had a horrible pilot (fun fact: as a kid I killed Wild Bill off after he made a joke about Airborne "siouxing" him) sure his codename made no sense, but he was a great figure that I didn't want to give up on missions.

The Airborne mold doesn't get enough credit, it's torso had similar details to the 82 torso mold with the straps, knife and grenade but were completely different. he had forearm and kneepads when barely any other figures did, plus his accesories were better than most other Joe figure's (the M-16 with bayonet was awesome, the helmet was cool and had a lot of detail, and the backpack was bitchin' to the extreme as it was used like 5-6 times) Airborne also had a patch on his arm, that was a rad detail that wasn't used enough because it made the figure look more legit.

My only problems with Airborne was the horrible haircut he had, and the fact he didn't get a repaint in more jungle/forest friendly colors.

Airborne was one of the few figures I had as a kid that never left my joe missions, he looked pretty decent in all enviroments, he wasn't one of the guys who stood out, he was a basic guy who did his job, his gear wasn't specialized and helped his role.

Normally I'd have a couple pictures of the figure in question but I don't, but don't worry if you want to look at Airborne there are websites with picture of him, such as Yojoe. Or you could get an Airborne, they're usually cheap and a good figure too.

Why you so ugly Mister?

From the desk of the Esteemed Doctor Henry E Miller:

As a thinking man, I try to ask the hard questions, like just what was the deal with the Toxo-Zombie? Or what exactly was Princess Peach talking about at the end of the Super Mario Brothers movie? Todays set of burning questions centers around some of the most butt-ugly head molds Hasbro ever produced, why did these figures end up being so distractingly ugly? I'm not one to judge the looks of a 4 inch (3/34ths whatever it is you dorks) piece of plastic, but these guys are just goofy, dumpy, stupid and just plain ugly looking.


1982 Zap:

This guy looks like this egg-headed guy I knew in the 80's who ran a BBS (For you kiddies thats the earliest form of public internet) back in the 80's, that eggheaded creep got busted for kiddie porn, so I forever link Zap with a kiddie-fiddler, growing a mustache didn't help his case there either. To make matters worse, Hasbro used this head on Grunt and Grand Slam.

1986 Roadblock:

Why the fuck are you smiling so much? You look like a black Mr Fuji. I guess he's sure happy he bought that bright green vest from Macy's.

1985 Tele Viper:

It was bad enough that it took hasbro 4 years to get a communications trooper that wasn't a Breaker head on a Cobra body with Breakers Comm-gear (All the cool kids did that custom back then) but to make matters worse, he had a huge head. I hated this figure back in the day and I still hate it now, he became Cobra Commanders retarded brother "Paul". Paul always found a way to fuck something up for Cobra.

1985 Torch:

You look like an aging homosexual wearing Blu-Blocker sun glasses.

1987 Crystal Ball:

With the hair and mustache of every overweight mid 40's Star-trek nerd I know, hes gonna reflect the sun off his teeth and blind those dastardly joe's into submission!

1987 Rumbler:

If A-team ever did a reunion and it turned out Faceman aged terribly and was a drunk who's gone through several divorces I think Rumbler could play the part.

1991 Grunt:

Once again, Grunt gets shafted with a terrible head mold, he always looks like hes yelling, like the Joe's will be lounging around talking about something and he will walk up and go

"HEY GUYS DID YOU CATCH THE SCORE OF THE BRUINS GAME"
"Grunt why are you yell-"
"SAY THERES A SALE ON ORANGE PANTS DOWN AT THE WOODLAWN K-MART HOT DAMN I GOT TO GET DOWN THERE AND RESTOCK"

1988 Armadillo:

It's bad enough you look like a knock-off, now you have a goofy helmet and a stupid oversize tank to drive!

1983 Tripwire:

Your head looks like a penis.

1983 Duke:

YOU. LOOK. LIKE. A. JACKASS.


I'm sure theres lots more ugly mugs to dig through, but the Doctor has other pressing matters to get to, maybe there will be a part-2 to this nonsense.

The Doctors Final Thoughts: Hey, 91 Grunt, Razor Ramon called, he wants his shirt back.

Surefire is a great figure and you're a jerk.

From the desk of the Esteemed Henry Edward Miller:

The 2000-2001 line of figures produced some real gems, figures that are sadly forgotten among the dulluted "50 figures a year!" trend we suffered through 02-06. Back when the line was being relanched for real, not just a couple TRU packs a year, there was a couple figures that made waves among the Joe fandom. Those two figures being Big Brawler, and the subject of this profile: Surefire. Now I won't touch on Big Brawler other then this: From the neck down he was a great figure, and the entire retarded Brawler joke was old four days after my distant cousin Jose' "Stiches" Cordarez III started it.

With that out of the way, these two figures were named on the filecard and had faces molded after two members of the Steel Brigade GI Joe fanclub, or whatever the fuck it was, all I know is they got in good with Hasbro somehow and ended up on the filecard and it made a lot of people mad for whatever reason, the jerkoff who used to run that "Sgt Savage" site, you know the bald guy who yelled at people all the time and made "~INTERNET TOUGHGUY THREATS~!" He has been completely ran out of the fandom because people finally got it that he was a shmuck. That guy seemed to be the beacon of hate for these two figures and it never made sense to me.

So what, somebody's name ended up on the filecard, who the hell reads those anyway? It was a whole lot of fanboy rage, and because of that nonsense, an amazing figure falls to the wayside, Steel Brigade isn't even relevant anymore for fucks sake! Get over it, your missing out on a great figure!

Onto the figure:

Surefire is painted in an ultra realistic law-enforcement blue, complimented by black highlights, his tactical vest is the proper tone of black, with two sliver smoke grenades molded on. This figure takes the 92 Shockwave mold to another level. This figure can be used as a stand-alone character, or army built as a generic swat-officer. He came packaged with the 90's Low Light mold, who was also painted in the great blue color, parts can be mixed and matched between the two and heads added, and with a couple packs you have a SWAT-team for Cobra to cut down. I once LBC'd an entire SWAT-team together using just those two figures, this was easily the best two pack from the entire 00-01 run. If you're missing out on this figure because of some kind of fanboy hate, toss that hate aside, and learn to love.

Heres a picture with shitty lighting:



The Doctors Final Thoughts: Surefire is one of the best repaints Hasbro has ever produced, and among all this 25th nonsense and new sculpt crap he is a rare gem. If you don't have him, go and pick him up, bonus points if you get the Low Light along with him.

The top 5 What The Christ? figure details:

I've been re-examining some figures recently, and I've noticed for every 1983 Cobra with Garrote there are some details that make me wonder what was the point, some may have reasonable explanations but they still look goofy/bizzarre. Here's the list:

5. 92 Roadblock mold's Earring, what was up with that thing, I know that Roadblock was "cooler" than most Joe team members (he wasn't a bland honky like so many of them) but the damn thing ruins a decent headsculpt but I guess RB should be happy he has ears this time

4. Talking Battle Commanders' Stalker's ninja star. In the middle of his webgear is a ninja star, what the hell man, he was the only main character in Joe who didn't become a goddamn ninja but he's got a ninja star. I guess Shruikens were the weapon of choice in late 60's Detroit.

3. The 92 Roadblock mold's bandana's, when I first noticed them on the Anti Venom Roadblock, I was surprised that they threw in a Bloods reference on a toy for children (or so the talking point goes) I wonder if they were always supposed to be red, but some streetwise Hasbro employee in '92 noticed the blue pants and those being Crips colors and didn't want his figure increasing action figure related gang violence, which had been in decline since 1983.

2.The 1992 Flak Viper Leotard-leggings combo, for real I'm surprised Ol' Flak Viper isn't used in more customs my esteemed colleauge Dr. Henry E. Miller writes witty one liners about, because BABES WEAR THOSE THINGS ON THEIR LEGS MAN, THESE ARE SORTA LIKE THEM. Or intentional (not unintentional like half the ones in the last post) Rocky Horror Show customs. Those would probably be more fun

1. 1985 Lady Jaye Mold's Buttons on chest pockets. Man,what the fuck? not only is it creepy to see on a toy, it's creepier to think some dude probably got his rocks off designing and getting those button nipples approved.


That's all for today kids, soon I'll review some figures like Doc, and Hiss Driver, I'lll be nicer too those guys.

Also, coming soon will be the 1983 Cobra spy that maybe 4 white people ever heard of, and details on the minority marketing campaign that almost killed Joe.

Your pal, J. Turk

The Very Worst In: Female Custom Figures.

From The Desk Of the Esteemed Doctor Henry Edward Miller:

If theres one facet of the GI Joe customizing world thats sure to propel us into fits of laughter, and haunt our memories for weeks, its the dark, sexless world of Female Customs. Now, not all female customs are bad, most are average, some are even good, but today we will be taking a look at the tattered underbelly of Customizing.

These customs are downright frightening, projecting the image that the creator is some pathetic dork who's never come closer to a woman than crying on his mothers arm because the "Mean people" made fun of him again.

Lets take a look now shall we:




HAM





Because when I think sexy, I think naked children's toys posing on a printed brick background.





Highly trained commands dress like the sluts who walk around car-shows right? Am I right guys?




I like my customs like I like my women, going through puberty and anorexic!





Thats a bathing suit I'd associate with a heavy smokers voice, leathery skin and the stench of beer, the customizer must have used his wife for inspiration.




Dykes on bykes member #3959



Times the owner has masturbated to this: # 12.



"I'll show her, I'll show her, I'll make my own girlfriend, yes...yes...all mine.."
"STEVEN GET THE FUCK UP HERE AND LET OUT THE CAT DAMNIT"
"MOM WHAT DO YOU WANT I'M RECONFIGURING MY COLLECTION"




Apparently this is the Baroness, it looks like an Xenomorph from Alien, crossed with the lady who offered us a "Fresh crate fulla eggs" when we stopped along the road in Rowelsburg West Virginia.

Enough of this.

The Doctors Final Thoughts: Apple Barrel Paints, Playdoh, Virginity and Action figures don't mix.