Man what happened to you?

From The Desk Of The Esteemed Doctor Henry Edward Miller:

Consider this a follow up to my business partner Johnny Turks post about replacements, instead of taking a look at replacement specialists we will take a look at the members of the original 13 who received new molds later in the line, and in most cases, the results were laughable. I am not including comic pack figures in this, nor the new sculpt figures.

Clutch.

The 82/83/84 Clutch is an amazing figure, and he has the best default character in the lines history, he drives a really cool jeep and hangs out with Rock N Roll.

Then he got a new mold in 1993

In the 10 years since his original figure, he shaved, traded in his green and tan for bright orange and his bitchin' jeep for some retarded APC and came with a tub of playdough that you supposedly mold around his body to protect him from the dangers of Cobras ECO WEAPONS~! (Also known as squirt guns). So instead of an awesome guy with an awesome jeep you have a dude who looks like a traffic cone who is covered in dry play dough and lint. Awesome prank, Hasbro.

I'm not even gonna mention the retarded "DOUBLE CLUTCH" new sculpt figure that came with a dune buggy or something.


Grunt:

His original figure was a generic solider, he was an every day solider, with just the right gear to get the job done.

Fast forward to 1991.

Now hes a dude wearing Razor Ramons shirt, orange pants, and hes always yelling. He reminds me of a 2nd cousin I have who lives in a trailer park in Western PA, hes married to a leather hide with legs and he has two mutant children who smell like toilets. His only redeeming factor is one Christmas he gave me a six pack of Yuengling beer, the real shit right from the brewery, then he proceeded to ruin Christmas by doing coke in my aunts bathroom with his wife and passing out behind a couch.

So yeah, every time I think of 91 Grunt I think of cousin Artie.

Zap:

He had an Egghead and played with rockets and stuff, then he grew a mustache and bought some sliver boots with rockets strapped to them. SOLIDER OF THE FUTURE.

Rock And Roll:

The original Rock and Roll mold is the best figure ever made. Period. The simple, yet effective mold has never been topped, and will never be. He had an awesome shirt with bandoleers of ammo and had a really realistic looking M-60. He played bass in a rock band and surfed and probably did bong hits behind the giant computer in the HQ.

In 1989 they released a decent mold of him with some retarded weapons, not much damage done here, but nothing will ever top the 1982 Rock And Roll. This mold was repainted in awful colors. Then he became a robot.

Then in 1997 he couldn't make up his mind about his race!

Scarlet:

Probably the worst figure of the original assortment, with her bright colors and spandex looking outfit was "updated" in 1993 with thunderthighs and another stupid outfit. She also had a grenade in a very precarious location.

The only good thing about the 1993 scarlet is the GI Joe warfare guy made a very nice custom using the head on the 97' Lady Jaye body way back in the day.


Short Fuse:

He wouldn't see another release aside from a repaint in the 97 Stars And Stripes set where his hair mysteriously was died brown (Something that happened a lot in 1997 I've noticed) until 2004, when he returned as the Downtown mold with a new paint job. Not a bad repaint, and he was in the decent Night Force set.

Stalker:

The Joe's original Jive Soul Bro was the coolest figure in 82 not named Rock and Roll. He had a unique headsculpt, a cool gun, and camouflage. Then in 1989 he traded this all in for an outfit with pants covered a mysterious brown substance and he wore a pair of oven mitts. He was Mr Fujiafied and had a huge backpack in 1991. Lonso wouldn't be done justice again until 1994, when that mold with black highlights (Not the lame yellow ones) was released. The 97 repaint is an underrated figure and if it wasn't for the shady quality of the 97 (HOLY SHIT, that was ten years ago) it would be better remembered.

Snake Eyes.

There has been 28 versions of Snake Eyes since 1982, and none of them as good as the original, with a badass Uzi and a pack of C4.

Hawk:

His original figure was plain, and came with a pretty lame vehicle, nobody who didn't read the comics probably understood that he was the leader of the Joe's. In 1986 he received the best update of all of the original 13 with a bitchin' leather jacket and nice camo pants and a pretty sweet pistol. The hair dying also helped. As the line progressed, he got a bad tan, had a huge backpack, became a space man, a robot. Changed his name again and then changed it yet again.

Really the Hawk Character has not been topped since the 86 mold, and the original was pretty damn lame to begin with so he was an improvement.

Breaker:

This poor bastard got the short end of the stick, first he got shot up by the SAW viper, then in 1997 he shaved his beard and borrowed roadblocks green Macy's vest. His original figure is one of the standout figures from the original line and despite what hamfisted comic book fanboys will tell you, beards are cooler then being shaved.

Steeler:

He was never updated until the Comic Packs, which I am not counting. His original figure is very good, despite coming with probably the lamest tank in the history of the line. Seriously the MOBAT was terrible, I blew mine up with an M-80 and Steeler drove around some knock-off tank instead.

There was also an incredibly rare variant of this figure, but that is a subject for another article

Flash and Grandslam were never updated, probably because they were so damn lame.

The Doctors Final Thoughts: The 1982 Rock And Roll will never, ever be topped, man.