Monkey Ams, Bowlegs And Giant Fists: How the new sculpts ruined Joe forever.

From The Desk Of The Esteemed Doctor Henry Edward Miller:

I don't know how many of you folks were around back in 2001, probably not a great many of you, most of the old timers have been driven away by the overall shit state the fandom and the figures are in. Well back six years ago (Has it really been that long?) the fandom was in a strange place, we had been getting new figures for four years, but the figure choices were strange, not in a bad way, some refreshing repaints emerged out of that strange era in Joe collecting. For guys who really dug obscure figures and characters it was a field day. The line was a shell of its former self, but somehow, Hasbro was doing something right, because the 00-01 line of figures were great. None of the figures are endearing greats like the ones from the early 80's, but almost every figure was worth buying. Even a Dialtone with flesh colored gloves and no mustache had us excited. There was news of a brand new line featuring new sculpts things were finally looking up!

Then we saw pictures of the brand new Joe Vs Cobra figures, new sculpts with NO FUCKING O-RING. From the depths of the internet where our pathetic little ring of websites is located a giant collective scream could be heard, the collectors stood up as one, the "O-Ring MIA" petition began, our Utopian vision of a new GI Joe line was crashing all around us and goddamnit we weren't gonna let them do it! Well that momentary furor died down, the fanboys went back to being fanboys, certain individuals got down on there knees for Hasbro once again, the first wave hit the stores, and it was probably the worst collective group of Joe figures to hit the shelfs at once ever. I'm being serious, not even the neon figures of the 90's or Joes dressed in giant robot costumes was this bad. We now had an entire line of figures that resembled a line of knock offs. The anger died down, the fanboys got worse and we waited.

Then pictures of "Wave 1.5" came out, and the O-ring was coming back! We had classic style figures on the shelfs again (even if it was a bunch of unspectacular repaints) and finally, Hasbro got there heads out of there asses. Maybe, just maybe, things would be good once again.

We got Wave 2, and 3 and so on and so on. Every figure was a horribly proportioned piece of garbage, we had moon boots Flint, a Beachhead that looked like some fatassed 12 year olds notebook drawing, a Mindbender who couldn't move his arms, an anemic Baroness. The entire JVC line is really one of GI Joe's black eyes, the flooding of the market with new figures (Most of them crappy repaints) and the influx of new members to the fandom diluted it, and we haven't been the same since.

The Doctor may have very well given up collecting if it wasn't for the surprisingly well done first wave of Spy Troops, even with the absurd concept, these figures were not too bad, they were a lot like the ARAH assortment from 2000, mostly obscure characters alongside brand new ones. The figures didn't look like garbage, and this lineup produced some of the nicer new style figures (Roadblock, Lab Coat Mindbender, both Destros) but as the year progressed and the line unfolded, the figures began to look terrible again, figures like Widescope, who looks like a 12 year old dressed up for Halloween. Horrible vehicles.They looked like monkeys again, and probably rightfully so, because we were about to get a whole heapin' pile of ape shit thrown in our faces.

Valor Vs Venom: FEATURING ACTION ATTACK.

I'm not touching these, I don't want to go on another four paragraphs about how bad these figures were, nothing good came from his line. Nothing. Nadda, nothing at all.

In the interim Hasbro did collectors Lip Service with a few army builder packs that were in all rights pretty nice. It proved someone at Hasbro hasn't lost it just yet. The Comic Packs had potential even if they were released to shut the collectors up.

Then the line slowly lost steam, the horrible Valor Vs Venom line played it self out, and we got introduced to Sigma Six: A complete bastardization of the Joe name, and I found myself longing for the days of Double Blast and Chameleon. If you wanted figures that weren't 8 inch peices of shit you had to order them off the internet, at last all the nerds could breath easy, they don't have to risk going out among the "mean people" who stare at them mumbling to themselfs about repaints while wiping the pork sweat off there foreheads with handi wipes from there fanny packs. What disgusted me about this was, the fandom had become so accustomed to crap on the shelfs that many of them welcomed Sigma Six, and those who didn't were driven away and ganged up on. Where was the anger that the fandom had in 2002? I guess it was buried under the direct to consumer figures that looked like uninspired customs and even those waves of figures have stopped. The GI Joe's that we grew up with and collected for many years are offically dead, and with that goes my collecting interest. The 25th Anniversary figures look like crap, all those joints will become loose and break and they are goofy as hell. Its offically a fanboys hobby now, and those who bring the alternative opinions to the message boards, I award you.

It's sad really. Who knows where the hobby will be in 10 years, let alone 5. I am preying that Hasbro finally lets the line die, maybe I'm just a grumpy old fuck.


The Doctors Final Thoughts: Not much to say here, other then: GI Joe is dead, and it was the New Sculpts that killed it.