From the desk of the Esteemed Doctor Henry E Miller:
As a thinking man, I try to ask the hard questions, like just what was the deal with the Toxo-Zombie? Or what exactly was Princess Peach talking about at the end of the Super Mario Brothers movie? Todays set of burning questions centers around some of the most butt-ugly head molds Hasbro ever produced, why did these figures end up being so distractingly ugly? I'm not one to judge the looks of a 4 inch (3/34ths whatever it is you dorks) piece of plastic, but these guys are just goofy, dumpy, stupid and just plain ugly looking.
1982 Zap:
This guy looks like this egg-headed guy I knew in the 80's who ran a BBS (For you kiddies thats the earliest form of public internet) back in the 80's, that eggheaded creep got busted for kiddie porn, so I forever link Zap with a kiddie-fiddler, growing a mustache didn't help his case there either. To make matters worse, Hasbro used this head on Grunt and Grand Slam.
1986 Roadblock:
Why the fuck are you smiling so much? You look like a black Mr Fuji. I guess he's sure happy he bought that bright green vest from Macy's.
1985 Tele Viper:
It was bad enough that it took hasbro 4 years to get a communications trooper that wasn't a Breaker head on a Cobra body with Breakers Comm-gear (All the cool kids did that custom back then) but to make matters worse, he had a huge head. I hated this figure back in the day and I still hate it now, he became Cobra Commanders retarded brother "Paul". Paul always found a way to fuck something up for Cobra.
1985 Torch:
You look like an aging homosexual wearing Blu-Blocker sun glasses.
1987 Crystal Ball:
With the hair and mustache of every overweight mid 40's Star-trek nerd I know, hes gonna reflect the sun off his teeth and blind those dastardly joe's into submission!
1987 Rumbler:
If A-team ever did a reunion and it turned out Faceman aged terribly and was a drunk who's gone through several divorces I think Rumbler could play the part.
1991 Grunt:
Once again, Grunt gets shafted with a terrible head mold, he always looks like hes yelling, like the Joe's will be lounging around talking about something and he will walk up and go
"HEY GUYS DID YOU CATCH THE SCORE OF THE BRUINS GAME"
"Grunt why are you yell-"
"SAY THERES A SALE ON ORANGE PANTS DOWN AT THE WOODLAWN K-MART HOT DAMN I GOT TO GET DOWN THERE AND RESTOCK"
1988 Armadillo:
It's bad enough you look like a knock-off, now you have a goofy helmet and a stupid oversize tank to drive!
1983 Tripwire:
Your head looks like a penis.
1983 Duke:
YOU. LOOK. LIKE. A. JACKASS.
I'm sure theres lots more ugly mugs to dig through, but the Doctor has other pressing matters to get to, maybe there will be a part-2 to this nonsense.
The Doctors Final Thoughts: Hey, 91 Grunt, Razor Ramon called, he wants his shirt back.
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