Name Changes: The Who, The What, The "You're not my real father!"

Hello, Tom Jacks, Esquire here. How are you? I am fine, thank you for asking.

Being a handsome go-getting lawyer like myself, one of the most common cases you'll have to deal with is changing someones name. And strangely enough, this too happens in the G.I. Joe world. These can happen due to several reasons. While I could write a book as long as the list of people Scott Baio has slept with, I'll only be covering the most prolific.

Roadblock/Double Blast:
When the GI Joe line was introduced in 1982, they really didn't have an electric character to provide comic relief, and an occasional spot of wisdom. That all changed in 1983 with the introduction of Roadblock, the heavy machine gunner who had the perchant to rhyme every sentence he said. Literally. (I'm not sure if he did it in the comic books, the only people that care about those are neckbeards.) Roadblock easily became a favorite among children, after all he talked like Mr. T and carried a huge machine gun. Several versions of Roadblock were produced over the years, included the fabled "Mr. Fuji" version.

When the line was re-launched (albeit a bit toned down) in 2000, Roadblock was nowhere to be found. However in 2001, we were introduced to Double Blast. We could all tell this was Roadblock, however according to Double Blast's file card, he was a completely different person all together. His file card proclaimed him to be the MacGuyver of the Joe world. What, was G.I. Joe so under budget that they just gave him Roadblock's old, dirty uniform, perhaps to confuse Cobra? Strangely, just one year later the same mold (colored differently) was released again as Roadblock. We can only assume that Charles L. Griffith was fired from his job as the "big black guy that carries a machine gun" position. Its still unknown if they made him rhyme like Roadblock.

Baroness/Chameleon
Once again, we revisit the ARAH re-launch of 2000-2002. This time however, it is on Cobra's side. The Baroness, a favorite among lonely men, was very important in the Cobra organization. Only two versions of her figure were released in the line's original run, and one of them was hardly seen at all. This made her one of the most sought after figures to collect. In 2000, Hasbro re-released the mold, but strangely, she was named Chameleon. The file card went on to say that this was not the Baroness, but her "illegitimate half-sister". Oh Hasbro, you scamps. Taping into the soap opera market, are we? Thankfully there wasn't an abortion scandal involving Cover Girl, Mutt, and Junkyard. The file card went on to say that Chameleon went to GI Joe, got plastic surgery, and joined Cobra as the Baroness. So somehow, G.I. Joe could afford all this but couldn't get Double Blast a new uniform? The government, go figure.

As for the figure, most people threw out (and rightly so) the storyline and just used the figure as the Baroness. The Chameleon character was never heard from again and it's probably for the best as the whole situation was rather silly. Several new Baroness figures have since been released, summarily burying the whole story. Besides, chameleons blend into their surroundings, not get plastic surgery and assume identities. Stop watching so much Days of Our Lives, Hasbro.


Hawk/Gen. Hawk/Gen. Tomahawk/Gen. Abernathy/Just For Men User
Where as the first two cases were completely new people, this case involves the same person.
In the initial G.I. Joe launch, there wasn't a clear-cut leader. Sure we had Cobra Commander for Cobra, but who would lead the Joes into battle? Why the man who holds a funny box attached to some missiles, who else? Hawk started out as the field leader for the Joes, before Duke was introduced (don't get me started on that guy). Eventually in 1986 he was moved up to general, and assumed command for the good guys. This of course was before the whole confusing introduction of other generals, admirals, the "original" G.I. Joe and others (once again, comic books, see neckbeards.) In 2002, he was re-named Gen. Tomahawk. Although I doubt he has any Native American blood in him whatsoever.

This could prove to be confusing enough, but in 2004 he was released as Gen. Abernathy. The reasoning for the change from Hawk to Tomahawk was a trademark issue, but to lose it again 2 years later? Hasbro must have hired the same legal team that the Oakland Raiders did, because whenever they lost, they would claim victory. Anyways, whatever you call him now, I'm sure you can agree on this: Abernathy is a man that has serious identity crisis issues, uses Just For Men, and was damn sure annoying in the movie.

So what have we learned from all this? Hasbro needs to keep up on their trademarks and copyrights and stop denying the past. There are several more of these cases out there in the Joe world, but that will be for another time.

Don't trust whitey,
Tom Jacks, Esq.