As a blog on the CUTTING EDGE OF THE FAST PACED ONLINE INTERNET ACTION FIGURE BLOGOSPHERE (our PR guy Levar came up with that) we we're granted the RIGHT to ask Hasbro 4 questions about the GI JOE MILITARY ACTION FIGURE LINE so me and Johnny Turk knocked back a case of Natural Ice and typed up 4 questions for Hasbro, and they answered them! (Only after our lawyer Ralph Nader threatened them with a class action lawsuit)
So heres the QUESTIONS and ANSWERS about a CHILDRENS TOYLINE THAT WE LOVE SO MUCH THAT WE NEED ADVERTISING ROBOT LIPSERVICE:
Smash The State: Ee'yo Hasbro whats with re-releasing pretty much every figure from the first 25th assortment multiple times?
Hasbro: Well we figured that Joe fans have made an entire existence out of settling for less and spending there hard earned burger flipping dollars on dead end investments. So us at Hasbro Toys figured we could release the first few waves with crippling articulation problems in boxsets, then release them on single cards with some of the problems fixed, then release them repainted on single cards with most of the problems fixed while reusing the same six molds two dozen times. It's a marketing device called "Nerds will buy lame shit".
Smash The State: Hey Hasbro which Jackson Browne album is better, Running On Empty or Lives In The Balance?
Hasbro: Whichever one he wrote when he was beating up Joni Mitchel!
Smash The State: Soooo whats the deal with all these variant figures?
Hasbro: Well we figured in order to be cool like other "Collector oriented toylines" like Marvel Legends and every Star Wars figure after 1998 we needed inject chase variants so we could watch people who take toys too seriously running around getting sweaty over a Destro with a head colored black for no reason! We figured Joe fans need to look "Legit" among the pages of such cool magazines as Toyfare and Tomarts whateverthefuck.
Smash The State: So why do you guys keep giving Larry Hama a steady gig? I mean with his recent flops like the Spy Troops cartoon and those issues he did for Devils Due the guy kinda lost whatever touch he might've had.
Hasbro: Well we figure Joe fans are really into crappy old bands who stick around way past their due date, Just look at how many Metallica fans are also Joe fans! So we applied the same mentally to our new comic book. We could keep wheeling out Hama and Joe fans will keep lining our pockets!
Well there you have it folks, a Large muti-national corporation only concerned about the bottom line paid for by parents and manchilds with disposable income really does care about us!
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Toyfare. You can read their "features" about how there should be a new toyline and live action movie for INHUMANOIDS or SPIRAL ZONE or JEM or some other hokey 80's toyline. And how about that MEGO Spiderman, wasn't he funny for a few years?! Those inside jokes about the magazine's staff...priceless.
But nothing compares to LEE'S OUR MAGAZINE TITLE IS TOO LONG FOR SUCH AN AMATUERISH PUBLICATION ABOUT TOYS with its Hot Wheels collector price guide expert who, going by the same photo of him they use every issue, looks at best mildly retarded.
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