An awful G.I Joe cosplay spooktacluar!

Well since it's like the best holiday of the year (fuck you Columbus day!) and the one time of year it's not totally socially unacceptable to dress up as a cartoon character. Here at Smash The State we are gonna take another special look at weirdos who do it the other 364 days of the year!














Remember folks, it's never cool to dress you and your homely looking wife/girlfriend up as a cartoon character!

And to all you neckbeards, we got your money in our hands!

No you see, it's worth a lot of money because it's in a clear plastic box and has a sticker on it that was put there by an ACTION FIGURE ATHORITY it's not a toy it's an investment item!

Just once I wish I was some rich jerk, I'd buy all of those and smash the cases and open the figures. Remember when G.I Joe's we're just some toys we bought at dusty tables in flea markets?

This is a terrible hobby now.

G.I. Joe comix

I just realized that with the new G.I. Joe continuity coming like 25 years of the good the bad and the awful shit with the comics are over. I guess life is a carnival and I'm gonna explain what I sorta remember about them.

Issues #1-20: The best written shit I sorta remember, showed how hacky Hama was after he killed off Kwinn, Scarface, that jerk in the shades and Dr. Venom. Clutch was good though.

Issues #21-whenever the fuck they invaded Springfield. Yeah SILENCE! Ripcord doing stuff, Scrap Iron killing a goddamn old fat guy with a rocket, Serpentor!

After what I described until the Civil War: Can't remember anything!

The Cobra Civil war; There was one panel with a televiper with a bullet hole in his helmet. That was cool, so was Short Fuse showing up. 

The first like 15 issues of the 100's, Jerks got killed finally, including homoerotic scientists, Breaker showing up and dying, Steeler showing up out of fucking nowhere!

The rest of the Marvel run: Stupid shit, drug dealers, Eco Force, Mindbender refrences cheers, Transformers, Wade Collins' kid,  Quick Kick cameo, I don't read this stuff like a schmo!

DDP/Image: Hey guys let's draw everyone the same! let's make shitty refrences to the cartoon, let's kill off characters, let's re do stuff just worse, Let's totally rush the last thing and call it World War 3... Well fuck that shit, the only media related World War 3 I'll deal with is:

The Baddest Card (not) On E-Bay!

Johnny Turk Is Gonna Buy This And Hang It Up In His House

Nostalgia For An Age That Never Existed

Thats right, 25th anniversary versions of figures that came out...3 years ago? Are we supposed to get sappy about the stuff that ruined G.I Joe? Knock Offs of Knock Offs?

Is there a chase version of duke with a goddamned button sticking out of his ass?

SPONSORSHIP NEWZ

BIG BAD SNAKE OIL SALESMEN ARE HAVING A SALE ON GAY VARIANTS YOU SHOULDN'T BUY OR ENABLE!

!~RARE~! CHASE VARIANT OF BREAKER WITH THE BUBBLEGUM BUBBLE THAT DOESN'T FULLY FIT INTO HIS GODDAMNED HEAD IS MARKED DOWN FROM $54.45 TO $53.00 FOR THIS WEEK ONLY!

And at SMALLSMHOES.COM we are having a sale on SERIOUS MILITARY MODELS that are made out of FAULTY MATERIALS and cost $80.00 a goddamned unit, but buy them so you can spend your middle-management tech support dollars and have a serious business shelf of nazi war criminals!

ANNND don't forget the Brains Toyuz Newsletter #267, they are having a sale on some lameass transformers toys and TOYS R US EXCLUSIVE extreme conditions set they sent their intern out to buy out from under every store in the area!


This Post was written by Shameless Shill Jushin on October 15th 2006

Posted Under: Excuses For Content, Give Your Money Away To Feed The Machine, Moderating Every Forum

INTERNET GANG WARZ

Ya know what's funny, nerds getting angry about stupid shit. The latest debacle of retardedness is that Hisstank.com doesn't want people coming and going "LOL CHECK THIS OUT @ TNI" which is kinda retarded but doesn't actually strike me as such a douchebag move as it's being made out too be. Hisstank is not on Smash The State's list of "Cool sites that aren't run by jerks" because that list is the link section, and The Cobra Cabana and that messageboard Felix De Cobra runs. However I do recognize that it's awesome at hiding the fact that it's got no content. I mean you can say it's a newz site. What the fuck does joebattlelines offer?

Anyways I wonder if the usual suspects who spam "CHEK OUT THIS THRILLING SUCH AND SUCH" at every website who seem so goddamn upset over this are gonna stop whoring their shit their. I sincerley doubt it.

G.I. Joe fandom personality templates

I'm sure I've probably said this like 4 times already (There's atleast 2 posts in which the "golden year" of 1985 is disected, but hey fuck you) but there's nothing I've got planned too yell about at this moment, oh and if we remember we're gonna spam the Joe Movie ending the day it comes out PLEASE REMIND US. Anyways there are like 8 types of jerks who are involved in G.I. Joe

1. Guy who is really positive. For some reason these types always do reviews, and they always skip a figures faults, yet they're never called out for it. Yeah well I don't care that you don't think you should mention poor paint masks and that your Comic Pack Falcon's joints are frozen because "Well everyone should be used too them by now" I don't remember my Duke having his goddamn forehead be yellow because machines twenty five years ago could do their damn job.

2. The Overly negative. These guys have two types: Wicked sick cats like me and Dr. Henry E. Miller and most of you dudes reading this (Except the Broca Blutch guys if they're even alive, mainly because you cats gave effort, real negative cats are lethargic and like the Dictators we steal really common stuff but totally change it a bit) 

The other type is someone who bitches about every thing, yet never get any grief for it, those guys are pussies.

3. Bullshit Action Figure Authorities. These are dudes who people listen too mainly because they write their stuff out like they know what their talking about, however they never actually spout out anything requiring proof. Pretty much it's dudes spouting their opinions like they're facts but they're smart enough to not say anything that could be disproven. 

4. Actual Authorities. Sometimes these dudes are cool and say things of importance, sometimes they're personality is also mixed with something else (like Really postive guy) and then you have too ignore them. I don't have any problems with some of these guys since one dude once told me that one of the comic packs was gonna have Dragonosky and the other two Ruskies no one likes

5. Guy who integrates all sorts of 1:18 scale REALISM bullshit, these dudes tend to be from places that aren't North America (Except Norway that place is rockin' because one dude from their comes here, we love you mysterious Norway homie) and just post pictures.

6. Dudes who love god. A LOT. In the Pat Robertson vein not the John Rydgren vein, Usually involves customs of Ministers or JESUS TREE FORTS WITH FLAK CANNONS TOO KILL FAGGOTS, ACTIVIST JUDGES AND KOREANS

7. I dunno you cats are pretty great so, SMASH THE STATE fans. Number 1 group of Joe fans too not marry the first chick who gave them a handjob.

8. Rednecks, some how people in the States have been so dumbed down they write things like this: "yap ran out of room cause i have so many differnt line of toy some complete some not."

So yes, I think I was probably reaching after the first paragraph but I figure you guys should jump in a lake!

G.I Joe got better once I discovered drugs

The early 90's we're awesome if you had no job, hung out on your couch and dig bong hits on a Saturday morning. Fuck you neckbeards, the 90's we're great if you took nothing seriously. This was before you we're supposed to take G.I Joe as a COLLECTORS TOYLINE THAT EVOKES NOSTALGIA, this was back when it was some shit you played with as a kid and now watched ironically because you had nothing better to do in between waking up and driving around town in a beat up car.

Stupid Shit FROM THE PAST

Johnny Turk was gonna post this but he's busy scoping out the Serbian Punk scene for bands for our puppet record label, also he has to appear in court in Wyoming for defacing a statue:

For a lark, I decided that it was time for another Stupid things said this week, however I looked at the google group and decided it was instead time for “Stupid things said like 8 goddamn years ago”

Starting it off is a star of most of our tags, complaining about someone saying his custom had paint wipes “I fail to see any reasonable comparison between what Hasbro is doing and a
long-ago customized figure which I did for the sheer absurdity of it (or so I thought).
Nor do I appreciate being mocked over a matter which is of legitimate concern 
to a number of collectors. It's juvenile minds such as yours that are ruining this hobbyI fail to see any reasonable comparison between what Hasbro is doing and a long-ago customized figure which I did for the sheer absurdity of it (or so I thought). Nor do I appreciate being mocked over a matter which is of legitimate concern to a number of collectors. It's juvenile minds such as yours that are ruining this hobby”

Man I miss the wildwest days of the internet, harassment between nerds on Ebay of all places: “Mike Fountain operates under any/all of the following eBay user IDs. 
Do not be fooled by his feedback ratings. This individual is a 
hateful, foul-mouthed, malicious liar.

De-Aco 
*untouchable* 
*brown-eyes* 
the-baddest!

He has a number of idiot friends which he lists on his "About Me" eBay 
page. These individuals will conspire to win an eBay auction 
(typically GI Joe), which is fair enough, but they never fail to send 
some of the rudest, juvenile taunts to the losing bidder(s) or 
sometimes to some or all auction participants before the auction 
closes. They also frequently pad each other's feedback ratings and 
perform questionable bidding practices within each other's auctions.”

Holy fuck, I forgot people used too take Steel Brigade seriously at one point: “I'm sorry to be reading this and to know such tactics happen in the JOE World of Collectors. That's probably one of the reasons I stay off of Ebay. I checked out this guys page and saw he has it out for Commander Lane himself (what a shock)!!! When I asked Dave about it - he told me the story of how this guy bullies other bidders and people are afraid to bid against him and his group. Seems the Commander has spared no expense to put this guy down and beat him at his own game. Now he's out for revenge....what drama, can't we all just get along!”

Man I wish Mike Fountain was still using the Internet (from his Televison):

“All that Corey is intrested in is money. A while back alot of Joe 
collectors on Ebay were getting the Happy99 virus. I asked Corey to put 
up some type of warning or information about it. Corey replied, "most 
people cannot afford my services." Like he is god or something... Corey 
you are a legend in your own mind. As far as I care, Corey you can post 
on and on about me. It shows that you are always thinking of me. We will 
call it, "The Story Of Mike "De-Aco" Fountain, Though The Eyes Of Corey 
Stinson". Write on Corey, see what other meaningless stuff you can 
write, I think you are out of ideas, but I hope you can come up with 
something. It really does not matter because your words are nothing”

Fuck, I wish that was on Youtube. Seriously, I would love too see a newscast involving Wheeler’s collection and threat of no 3/34 inch joes on the net “I've taken this to the media! I was able to get a local newscast to cover my collection AND the present problem. One of the local newspapers may do likewise”

Okay this was only 3 years ago but still, who the fuck is on AOL by choice (by choice I mean not using those 3 months free CD’s that they probably don’t make anymore) “I just got a notice that the AOL Newsgroup service will be discontinued in early 2005. " For members using AOL over a dial up connection, you will no longer be able to access Newsgroups"....sigh....They also said to try Google-but that doesn't work for me either... So I guess the party is over for me here. It's a shame too as I LOVED this site and had fun buying, selling and trading with everyone here. I've been having trouble lately getting on here and then seeing any new posts. I won't even know if this post will make it on-but I hope so.”

I think I found the first incident of a jerk using Gristle with Alley Vipers: “ But Undertow is a unique figure too, I'll be using him as the Eel commader, like Gristle is to the Alley-Vipers.”

Man really fucking creepy people have been on the joe scene for years here’s someones favorite card/box art: “Counting down...

8. Scarlett ver. 2 
7. Lady Jaye 
6. Chun-Li (notice a pattern?) 
5. Zarana 
4. Wolverine Missile Tank 
3. Scarlett ver. 1 
2. Glenda 
and finally 
1. Baroness”

Well I’m bored of this shit now so enjoy what you got, and don’t complain half assed Stupid Things Said this week is a lot better than no Stupid shit said this week. SUPPORT THE SMASH THE STATE PARTY LINE U GUYZ

The greatest dio stories ever made

Thanks/blame lies on the lastbestangryman for showing this wonderful work of action figure fiction to us.

One step forward, 25 steps backwards.

Aahahah what the fuck is this thing supposed to be? TRACKED COMBAT EGG?

I mean the one and only thing I give Hasbro credit for these days is the vehicles, they have done some nice remolding and redecos to classic molds. Even though I have no reason to buy them they do look nice, but of course in true Hasbro fashion they are going to ruin the only thing they have going for them. That thing looks worse then one of those Champ-Mei DINO ADVENTURE-COP-FIREMAN-HUNTERGATHERER-ADVENTURE or whatever the hell they are branded as toys. Thats worse then the JvC Tonka Truck vehicles we got for a while for fucks sake. I guess G.I Joe is going back to knockoff quality instead of slightly above knockoff quality for 2009 and that terrible movie.

Oh and Hisstank, fuck your doo-rag.

Questions get answered and shit

Smash the State Figure Review, ya know the best website on the internet (aside from the Cobra Cabana) has an in at Hasbro (Dr. Henry E. Miller's cousin is married to the secretary of the guy who says "right on boss" at all the meetings) and so we get are Q's A'd or something.

1. Eh yo Hasbro what was a better album Gordon Lightfoot's Sundown or Rank and File's Sundown?

Well  we're very excited about the premise of both albums but we have no plans too support Rank and File's due too their connection too "wishing cops were all dead" Nor can we reveal any insight on Canadian matters at this time

2. What's with Ripcord being black, you should realize that Joe fans A. dislike change and B. dislike something else, fill in the blanks we got enough lawsuits already

While we know many of our fans are upset about this change, we don't feel we can release specific information about race demographics, wait until the movie too learn more!

3.Why don't you give Smash The State the collectors club license, we're totally cool guys

We'll have too look into that one but there is no offical word on that yet

4. Who would win in a fight, Dracula or Jesus?

There is no plan to do anything but make G.I. Joe a Top-Tier brand

5. Did I make a good trade of the following "3 MOC Star Brigade Astro Vipers and a copy of Out of the Blue" for The Child Molesters first single and a bottle of Jack Daniels in 1994?

Absolutley G.I. Joe's aren't worth any cultural significance, that amazing cover of DON'T WORRY KYOKO should be in the smithsonian, however you should have hit your trading partner with a bottle of JD and taken back that ELO album back it's got Turn too Stone!

Hello Ladies

That guy looks like my old landlord, shit, he probably IS my old landlord.

Dressing up as G.I Joe's is never a good idea folks, don't do it. You embarrass us all. Yeah I know considering what "hobby" this is thats kind of an empty statement, but please don't dress up as fucking action figures, unless you're my old landlord.

Things I've Learned

Stuff I've learned about G.I Joe Since 2007:

- Action figures don't need to have the same range of movement as they did in 1983 because HASBRO IS LISTENING TO THE FANS THIS TIME

- It's totally alright if you string along people into thinking that paying like 80 bucks for a tank everyone knows is not coming is perfectly fine.

- Chase variants are totally gay

- Finally the worst elements of toy collecting have enveloped Joe.

- There really isn't any limit on how many times you can repaint that lameass 25th trooper mold, theres been what, like 30 now?

- Nuclear War is a motherfucker

- People still make awful customs and Dios

- People made better customs in 1998 then they do now

- That its possible to write the same four reviews for every new wave of figures that comes out and still be praised for it.

- That Mike Fountains WebTV E-mail address has expired. Damn!

- That the BADDEST MAN ON E-MAIL trolled Corey Stintson with his television.

- That Smash The State Never Loses

How To Post on a G.I. Joe message board

1. Always agree with everything someone else says. G.I. Joe fans are childish and dislike those with different opinions

2.Post the exact same message at every other G.I. Joe message board. Other websites need too know that your website that's based on celebrating custom action figures is having a celebration about custom action figures. Or maybe you want hits for dio story of a bad computer generated chick fingerbanging herself on a VAMP*

3.Make a poll about something. Jerks love polls, they get too see everyone thinks the way they do, there's probably been about 900 "which army builder pack do u want?" polls since 1998.

4.Use a shitty joke that wasn't funny 6 years ago. 

5.If someone is respected for something, you have too claim they're "the god of whatever it is" Are you good at making shitty playsets out of foamcore? well your not as good as some old dude who using really bad techniques makes things that look more cluttered and embarassing than a grandma's miniture hutch. Did you do a real cool dio story (is that possible?) Well you probably won't get the kudos you deserve because you didn't make a boring one about god, or drag out Hit And Run being in prison for like 4 fucking years.

6.Talk like G.I. Joe is a socially respectable hobby. Don't make mention of a cashier giving you a dirty look for buying toys, unless you think she's a liberal. Then call her a cunt and make a joke about Big Brawler

7.If you run a site, beg for money. Who cares if your a republican and belive in asking for a hand up not a hand out, you need to wear a kilt. Who cares if it's not even one that makes you look like your proud of your heritage and instead makes you look like a goddamn tourist, you've got all sorts of nerds paying for it!

8.Make weird comments that allude too you jerking off to pictures of Covergirl or something

There's probably more but fuck I rarely post on message boards nowadays, mainly because I tend not too follow point 1. oh well, if you think of them let us know!

*I totally didn't make that joke up. Thanks too the rad dude who made joke too me, Your a good guy!

Hay guyz

Hey guys Johnny Turk totally needs to buy a t-shirt with the Max Rebo Band on it that was bootlegged by a Chinaman in the loft of a garage but since we are so busy spending the mad money we make doing Smash The State (we be owned by a Russian holding company called DUFFOSKTOCK) we figure you guys could buy it for him since we love to take advantage of the people who read our site and indulge in position of power and idol worship upon ourselves.

Wait no we don't, we don't even believe in money or clothes ANARCHY MAN.

Anyway, to our readers, when some dork on a website looks for a handout for some unimportant reason such as a skirt thats has cargo-pants pockets or a brand new bottom of the line camera that has TOTALLY ADVANCED FEATURES SUCH AS A LENS say "no" and instead spend your money on awesome stuff like albums and illegal bootlegs of the Star Wars films.

Smash The State doesn't need ya money, we do this for the love of making fun of things we don't like and a way to slip in jokes about music into tags. Besides only like 15 awesome dudes and Johnny Turks wife read this (because we spam her e-mail every day) and that would only get us enough money to buy a pack of beef jerky and 2 tallboys. So what the fuck I guess we have to just be awesome guys instead.

Important moments in G.I Joe History

Cobra really never stood a chance once G.I Joe got a guy who can float-tackle like 18 guys at once. I mean how do you counter-attack against that guy. Plus hes got a football on a chain, I think it's because he kept losing them though, not for zonking terrorists on the forehead. I think The Fridge thought they we're giving away a real fridge thats why hes so excited.

Dio Story Do's And Don'ts

Well, being  better than everybody at everything I figured I should let you jerk-a-trons who don't read this blog but totally make bad dio stories in on hints and tips!

Don't: Make all of your sets out of Foamcore and print outs, you look like a jerk

Do: Make a story with jokes about Scottie Pippen

Don't: Have Clutch speak like a fucking hick. Just because Sunbow doesn't realize that New Jersey isn't beside Tennesee doesn't mean you have to have Clutch Say "Beggin yer pardin'" 

Do: Take pictures of your toys in decent poses

Don't: Take pictures of your toys with their arms behind their back in a chair too suggest they're tied up yet not have them tied up. Joe fans aren't that dumb

Do: Make comments about Smash The State being better than everything

Don't: Post the exact same post on 4 sites pimping your stupid dio. Unless it reads like "LISTEN HERE JERKS READ THIS: http://didn'titrain.biz/dio/General_Hawk_Should_Stop_chapter1"

Do: Use the Paralyzer

Don't: Stick all of your playsets in the sand and claim it's a "Pre Fab base where that gay dude with the orange hardhat was all "eh yo put those 83 HQ walls over there to cover the back. Don't forget too build the chapel. Without electricty we need god"

Do: Not make a dio

Don't:Use awful customs

Do: Listen to me

Don't: Make dio stories that read like Earth A.D./Wolfsblood

Don't: Say "The government made a giant underground bunker for the joes where they can just totally have a goddamn Mobile Battle Bunker sit their all open and shit. Seriously that bunker would be like 400 goddamn feet down. Seriously the government ain't gonna waste like 12 billion dollars making something that looks like your fucking garage"

Do: Ask me for refrences of these happening in real dio stories. I do name names when asked, Smash The State never loses!

BIG BAD SNAKE OIL SALESMEN

http://www.bigbadtoystore.com/bbts/product.aspx?product=HAS16275&mode=retail


Yes they want 30 bucks, almost 40 dollars shipped for a action figure you can't even reasonably play with, but you see these aren't children's toys they are ADULT COLLECTIBLES! So you gotta get ready to pay THE BIG BUCKS! Of course you gotta give these hard earned minimum wage bucks to the one place that has almost single handedly turned G.I Joe collecting into a terrible cesspool of inflated prices and angry nerds tossing money hand over hamfist at the snake oil salesmen peddling these mass produced "rare" goods.

Too bad I didn't buy the one I saw in the toy rack at a Stop And Shop for 6 bucks, I coulda made enough money to go see a movie and buy dinner at Wendys! Or enough to fill a quarter of the tank on my Dodge Challenger so I could've done a sweet ass burnout on the lawns of people with McCain/Palin signs, and just crashed right into the one house with the Ron Paul sign.

Wiggity-Weak!

Undeniable G.I Joe Fun Facts!

These are true and you can't refute them!


1. G.I Joe Tattoos are not cool, if you have one your a goddamned asshole prick.

2. The D.I.C cartoon is the definite basis of all G.I Joe canon, or it should be.

3. Cutters favorite band is Blues Traveler, this makes Cutter a goddamned jerk.

4. 2001 is the best G.I Joe year since the 80's.

5. Hasbro should not listen to the fans

6. Investment Merchandise is lame, instead of lame ass cutesy children's toys we should have figures that don't suck.

7. Duke watches the 700 club, what a fag.

8. The Dils are great, thats not a G.I Joe fact but its true.

9. Destros Dominator is the most useless thing ever made with the Joe name on it.

10. Big Brawler is the lamest joke ever and it's continued overuse by a group of idiots goes to prove joe fans cannot ever come up with anything new and original.

11. Asking for handouts on your website about toys is about the lamest thing you could ever do.

12. Action figures should have the same range of movement they had in 1985.

13. Devils Due is the Live At Bukokan of G.I Joe, meaning it's terrible and ruined old things that didn't suck so bad.

14. Theres only like 3 G.I Joe sites worth a damn, and two of them are Smash The State and Broca Blutch. I don't know what the third one is, but 3 is a good number and gives me hope for this terrible fandom.

15. Dio Stories are usually completely awful.

16. Johnny Turk traded 4 HAVOCS for a Casio Keyboard and a copy of Lives In The Balance on tape.

17. Smash The State is the most important website about stupid action figures ever!

Dear G.I. Joe fans...

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?

Thanks too Last Best Angry Man I have now seen a dio story worse than those ones about god and bad Grand Slam customs. Mainly because it's about Werewolves, murder and poorly computer rendered bitches. It's like a song written by Glenn Danzig, except without great melodies and was made by probably a bigger jerk




"SLURP SLURP" indeed



Okay what the fuck?




I don't know what's worse the fact someone made this, or the fact decided the scantily clad woman should lose her clothing during decapitation.

Well that was something I never wanted too see but I did, and it was god awful. Fuck you whoever made this

VACATION 08

Me and Johnny Wilks Turk are mad burnt out after writing about people we don't like almost daily for like 3 months so we're gonna be cool guys and take a break before we become jerks who don't write anything good and not know when to stop, because we'd probably have to move to New England for that to happen, and fuck that place. So Smash The State is going on vacation for a little while, in the mean time you can read Broca Fucking Blutch or Buy This Guys Records

We'll be back to posting about how much we hate jerks sooner then later though, because jerks will be jerks.

Someones gonna pay like 13 bucks for this

I really hope that pump is included to help neckbeards breathe after it hits them they spent like 10-13 bones on a figure that has less joint movements then the Han Solo figure from like 1978. How useful is a giant fucking pump in battle, is deep-six supposed to jump up and down on it and ruffle some papers Cobra has or blow wind in there faces so they get all uncomfortable? This crazyass jerk is also packaged with a Rock N Roll that can accually move his damn arms so hes weighing down a figure with an inferior body style but is a cool dude, so fuck this guy!

Economic Crisis M-m-m-megapost! (accually this shit is about the DIC cartoon)

Even Cobra cannot escape monetary problems! SIGN OF THE TIMES? Nah this shit was like 1992, Resolute could never even hope to be as brilliant as the DIC cartoon. Unless the Resolute intro has Heavy Duty ELBOW DROPPING THE FUCKING WATER:



Cartoons about toys are pretty lame anyway but back in the early 90's when I had no job I'd get up on Saturday mornings, smoke a few joints and watch the DIC cartoon, so that makes it better then the Sunbow one by default.