Guys, guys, why do I have too use a revolver with a goddamn scope?

And other awful G.I. Joe weapons (Yet again, I'm jacking images from the website yojoe, fuck you I ain't scanning a gun I don't own)

1984 Baroness gun:


This gun is really bad, it doesn't fit in a single figure's hands, and of the 6 Baroness' that I've owned over the years, every 2nd one came with the accesory pack version. I don't want this fucking gun in red.

1985 Buzzer thing:


I don't know what it's supposed too be, but it defies physics, unlike Storm Shadow's nunchucks that could atleast bend. Miscellaneous fact: Torch the only one of the original 3 Dreadnoks not too come with another instrument of destruction, was supposed too have a Entrenching tool, I assume Torch was a big enough tool.

Monkeywrench: EXPLOSIVE EXPERT HARPOON!

This thing is awful, and what's with 86 guys being so under-accesorized. 1982 Figures came with more than a shitty gun


1990 Grid Iron: FOOTBALL GRENADE

These are hilarious, because I always imagine these being intercepted by some jerk Joe like Downtown. And then Footloose is all "TOO BAD EL BLANCHO NINO THIS JOKE IS 6 YEARS OLD"

Skypatrol guy brown gun thing:


What the hell is this?

1991 Hawk Revolver


This thing is awful, I mean Dirty Harry didn't need a scope for police brutality (SORRY FOR RIPPING U GUYZ OFF BROCA BLUTCH) but damn it's gold so I like it

Incinerator Catapult of death:

Apparently this was a Napalm catapult (Thanx Cobra Cabana) If so this is a pretty horrible thing, much like those Remco (I think) figures with "BATTLE SCENT" which apparently smelled like napalm

That's all for this week, have a happy new year.

More Goddamn ridiculous Filecards

This update 1997-2001; The fan and mail room guy years!

1997 Iceberg


Guys he's always cool--In more ways than one! This filecard tells me things. 1. Iceberg doesn't have a wife too cook for him thus everything he eats is a Tee Vee dinner. 2. He builds igloos, now I'm not a goddamn arctic survivalist or anything (I sell forged Garth Hudson autographs) but jesus christ I think the army doesn't use igloos. Because they take a fuck ton of time too build, and unless your an eskimo you can't build a structually sound one. 3. Iceberg looks hella white in his card art

1997 Destro

His filename isn't even spelled correctly. Oh and Iron Grenaiders technically came before Cobra, so the G.I. Joe comic continuity goes like this Issues 75-100 totally happened before Issue 1. Great work Tommy Wheelin' Dealin' Wheeler, this caused more damage too G.I. Joe than paintwipes

1997 Duke

Guys he's not from 1982, but he's totally cool. Like really he's better than Zap man. Jesus whichever jerk fanboy wrote this just decided too paraphrase his 84 Filecard, called him a "Man of Action" and then made graduating Airborne School to be the most important education. I guess Flint's a genius

1998 Torpedo

"That dude's weird he doesn't eat meat, let's not talk too him" I like his secondary Military Specialty "COMMAND" you could totally get away with a lot with that one.

2000 Duke

Shit, Duke was a joe before Hawk and Stalker. Take that Snake Eyes, you mute moron. Were there many EXCLAMATION POINTS! on old filecards? There sure are here

2000 Chameleon

Holy fuck, that's dumber than the dio stories about god, and anything Hawk ever wrote. How is Chameleon sabotaging COBRA missions, having them get a victory?

Crossfire and Double Blast




Two heavy machine gunner who can build guns in the dark. IN THE SAME TWO PACK. No wonder these guys have no following

that's it

FIGHT WITH A TACK

Today is the day when we look at the TALKING BATTLE COMMANDERS

These figures we're great because they we're the total embodiment of 90's toy gimmicks: Bright colors, watch batteries and SOUND EFFECTS!

Plus they had huge fucking backpacks that we're always attached unless you took a screwdriver to the figure, the backpack would cause them to fall over onto their backs and be stuck like a goddamned turtle, a turtle that had a backpack that made sound effects!

First you had Cobra Commander, who was dressed in a pastel-purple with a rag over his head that somehow fit perfectly. He yelled stuff like: "Vipers attack!" that sounded more like "FIGHT WITH A TACK!

http://www.yojoe.com/action/91/tbc/cc2.wav

Next you had General Hawk who had the worst goddamned tan ever and was dressed in "Desert" colors (ya know for killin' all those sand niggers with the PATRIOT MISSILE) who unconvincingly yelled "Eat lead, Cobra!" and had a giant gold gun, you know made from the gold plundered from Middle Eastern countries.

Then there was OVERKILL the commander of the B.A.T.S who was painted in a menacing shade of bright green with a gold head and ROBOT PANTS. Overkill was such a goddamned advanced robot that he could surf, because he yelled "Wipe out!"

http://www.yojoe.com/action/91/tbc/over2.wav

Then you had Stalker who partied so hard he was always grinning halfway between pain and the pleasure you get when you puke all over some jerks car in the parking lot of the Grand Union that one time when I was 19. He also ATTACKED and BLITZED people, he had a fucking Ninja Star, so basically this Stalker was a black guy in a 70's kung fu movie.

I think all of these molds have been used again, Overkill was in that internet exclusive set that Corey Stintson is always mad about, Cobra Commander and General Hawk err I'm sorry GENERAL TOMAHAWK came about again in 2000. Stalker came around again in that super forgettable Tiger Force set looking like some crazy homeless dude with a black jacket and orange Zubaz pants. I guess years of PARTYING and BLITZING take their toll on a guy. Or it was gulf war syndrome.

EVEN MORE absurd filecards from places not America!

http://98oldsmobiledotgov.blogspot.com/2007/07/absurd-funskool-filecards-caravan-of.html
This is part 2! again we're jacking images from yojoe. THANX E. SON



I guess Sun Ra was big in England, and why did Payload become a terrorist over there?



I like the whole spiel about Australia in brackets. Oh UK you sure are bizarre


Jesus fuck, Muskrat is apparently a guy with unstopping bullets, and the term "Crackhouse" on a filecard



Outside of the name nothing is changed, but it reminded me how awful it was too have a figure named "Skidmark" who was apparently maddenly well groomed



AKA REDBEARD, I hope he still rips jerks off


I like this Snake Eyes better than "MUTE GUY WHO NEVER LOSES"



Translation from yojoe.com Code Name: TNT
FILE NAME: Ted Nicolas Thomas
PRIMARY MILITARY SPECIALITY: Artillery Engineer
SECONDARY MILITARY SPECIALITY:�Explosives deactivator
GRADE:�M-16
He lost his father in Korea's war, victim of a booby trap. This suggested to him his future and as soon as he could he entered G.I. JOE forces, taking this complex specialty. His brave skills have saved many times�the Heroic Commands from traps that could have been deadly.

I like how is grade is a rifle, and his codename is also his initials.

God bless foreign G.I. Joe, your fun and in some ways MORE SERIOUS BUSINESS ARMY GUYZ than Joe fans would actually want

Thats how I escaped my certain fate

Kill the body and the head will die.

ALL WORLD TOY ROMANCE PART 2

The sad part is I first stumbled onto the fanfic he's reading in like 2002. There was many more hosted at some site, ranging from GI JOE RAPE FANTASY to bizarre shit like a Tomax/Xamot-Misfits crossover, I wish I could find them again.

ALL WORLD TOY ROMANCE

Aaaaah yeah baby GI Joe romance coming right the fuck on baby, toys in love, aaaaaaw yeah lets get it on:


http://www.fanfiction.net/s/1839050/1/Its_Not_What_You_Think

"Several minutes later, Scarlett stirred again, Duke's strong arms still wrapped around her. Not fully awake by any means, she started placing small kisses on his bare chest. Duke, beginning to awake from his sleep, stroked the length of her hair with one hand and placed the other hand gently on Scarlett's cheek. He lowered himself to her level and lightly kissed her lips. To his surprise, Scarlett didn't pull away, but instead, she drew closer to him and returned the kiss.

They ran their arms up and down each other's backs as they continued to kiss, each kiss becoming more and more passionate as time went on. Duke realized his hand went further down Scarlett's back than it should have. He braced himself for some sort of kick or punch and was again shocked that she didn't. "What is it with her? Surely, she hasn't been dreaming of this also," he thought.

Duke eventually found himself on top of Scarlett. He undid her sash and the robe fell open, exposing her. "Oh god... so perfect," Duke muttered very softly. He left a trail of warm, soft kisses as he worked his way down.

Duke became more and more aroused as Scarlett surprisingly encouraged him. He finally forgot about the fraternization regulations, the fact that they were just friends and that she could cause him severe bodily harm if she wanted to. Duke had been so consumed with exploring his partner's body that it took him a while to realize one of his partner's hands had left his back.

Duke moved back up and placed a long, breathtaking kiss on Scarlett's lips. When he couldn't stand it any longer, Duke lifted himself and removed Scarlett's robe so that there was absolutely nothing but air between their bodies.

At just the right, inopportune moment, Scarlett whispered very seductively, "Joey..."

Immediately upon hearing Scarlett whisper another man's name, Duke sprung out of the bed, jumping so high he nearly hit his head on the ceiling fan's blade. "


Awww yea-wait what?

1991 Grunt is still angry

"Grunt this vest is the best, it helps me dress to impress" "WHERE THE FUCK IS MY VEST


Roadblock's respect of Clutch's property pisses Grunt off



Grunt is angry at the shitty G.I. Joe parking Garage



Grunt is angry at Cliffhangers

Hey guys I made my floor look like Wal-Mart

At the end of the video he looks like he has a telescope or a camera on a tripod with a telephoto lens, probably for looking into the windows of his neighbors.

Also nasty feet.

Bootlegs

G.I.Joe was ripped off a lot in the 80's much like how we here at STS get ripped off a lot (Cracked doing a vehicle list, we did that a long time ago. General Hawk becoming a blog pfft we've been one since 1993, Joecustoms)

Here are my 5 favorite bootlegs (Images bootlegged from yojoe!)




THOSE GUYS FROM THE OTHER GALAXY That dio on the back is better than Power Struggle




COMMANDO! some jerks think that the best Anti Terrorist team was Stalker, Hawk, Duke, Flint, Lady Jaye, Scarlett, Snake Eyes, Roadblock, Shockwave, Countdown, Effects, Crosshair. Well they're jerks and possibly Chinese Communists

The real anti terror heros are: Sea Hank, Scar-Face, Tartar, Captain J.B., Ace, Ram, FOXY, Big Beard, Serpent, Robin, Dove, Grey Hound. They always won and carried suitcases



SAS Micro Force: Mainly because this guy is totally a Red Dog head on a swivel head Footloose torso, with 86 Hawk legs and straight arms.




Unknown Vehicle: These guys even put on a GI *GIANT FUCKING HEAD* Joe sticker on it. I think this is a modified TONKA vehicle. (Yeah I know this is an actual joe vehicle that's the joke!)

this article is like a bootleg it claims "SUPER WINNER GREAT 5 FAVORITE BOOTLEGS" but I only did four!

You in the wrong BLOCK FOR DEM MOVES BOY

Pathfinder went to buy bread and ended up wandering into the BAD NEIGHBAHOOD and saw Negros dancin' like miniture Tornadas (his words).

Dear jerks

We're cheap but we've got a board. http://stsforumreview.proboards.com/index.cgi you have too register to post though. (I need to make sure everyone isn't really Dr. Henry E. Miller)


Join and talk about this stuff but in real time. Also POST WHENEVER YOU UPDATE THIS IS A SOMEWHAT G.I. JOE RELATED MESSAGE BOARD AFTER ALL (P.S. GHOSTS Chapter 68 is up now!)

Bolts In Ya Bag/Candy Scam/Wheelin' Readin'

http://www.megaupload.com/?d=I650Q5OW

A interpretive read of the following post by our favorite manchild:

http://www.joecustoms.com/forums/viewtopic.php?f=10&t=13060

Should we do this?

Who Is The Ultimate G.I Joe Fansite blahblahblahTNI

We could totally ice this shit, or at least run as a good spoiler! Like Jello for major in 78.

So STS readers, should we put together a DWEEM TEEM to take on all those established mainstream jerks? Broca Blutch would you like to have a partnership in this shit if we go through with this silly idea?

Just askin'

Knockin' Dr. Henry

Dear Henry E. Miller, I totally lost my old AIM name and with that lost yours. Please remind me what it is as on the internet scale of fucks too cool dudes your #1 (1. is cool 10. a fuck [BOBBY STEELE]) I can send you any of the following 1. an e-mail I got from a former D.O.A. bassist (NOT DOUBLE U ROY) 2. The first TSOL EP. or 3. A hilarious cover of a Christmas Song by The Misfits with overdubbed Bass and Guitar. e-mail the STS email address with it if you will

Also to any of you cats who read this blog who uses AIM and wants too talk to me and maybe El Doctoroso Henry E. Miller, email your AIM screename too stsfigurereview@gmail..com

What the fuck is up with Iron Grenadiers?

I've noticed that a lot of Joe fans sure like Iron Grenadiers, but I've got to ask why? No one likes Battle Force 2000, who they were supposed to be enemies with (THANKS LARRY HAMA YOU JUST CAN'T FOLLOW HASBRO CAN YOU?)

I mean they're lead by Destro looking his gayest (Sorry to all you homosexuals, but he wears a gold iron mask and has a fucking cape on) and some dude who looks like Major Bludd just 100 times worse (Magenta suit, a beard almost as bad as Clutch's and his backpack is hella phalic looking) and I assume Dorklon was important, fuck that dude and his ugly ass green costume

The Iron Grenaider himself is okay, not as cool as a Viper or Cobra Soldier, and his weapons are lamer than Sci Fi version 2's. Then they remade him, but instead of being a dude with some Conquistador helmet (Which is odd because Spaniards aren't close too be Spanish) he's got some ugly ass balaclava bolted too his goddamn face, small hands, abnormal height and a helmet that doesn't fit. Fuck Iron Grenaider v2,3,4

Then there was a Convention one with a v1 head on a Night Viper body, someone in the comments section once claimed he was like someone's bad custom. That dude was right!

There was also the Ahnilliator, who was Orange and Purple for some reason, and he had a dumb helicopter backpack thing, I hate this guy because he's not only ugly and a goofy idea, but he's got his boss' face on his dick. That bugs me because it proves Destro has a big ego, and I swear too god I saw that waist used on a Baroness custom, that is hella weird.

TARGAT, I still am not sure on the purpose of this guy, I guess he wasn't sure of himself either. Joined Cobra

Undertow, fuck divers not named "HYDRO VIPER" and what's with the fish?

Iron Anvil I didn't think the idea of an enemy paratrooper was bad, using a goofy mold that is easily identifiable as a Viper is a poor choice, using a fucking Jinx backpack makes me think the Iron Grenaiders were supposed to be the EVILS OF HOMOSEXUALITY instead of the Dreadnoks

Nullifier, what the fuck are you supposed to be? An anteater? an armored mummy? a Cobra-La figure? good? All but that last one could be possible

Ferret. I only recognize the ATV move along

Wild Boar: True Story I had this figure for like ten years but thought he was a bootleg so I got rid of him, I still don't think he's real.

General Mayhem: Hey it's Voltar just with a mold that pisses people off and a glued on helmet. Also a russian, fuck that commie.

Also according to Yojoe.com Rowdy Roddy Piper of pro grapz infamy is an IG. Man couldn't they have gotten a Luchador or Chris Benoit (the dude who iced his family) instead?

Also Overlord and Dr. Mindbender were IG's in Brazil, and I think Overlord's filecard states he was raised by Satanists. Thank you brazil for having the balls Hasbro didn't have.

Yo Down Syndrome!

That G.I. Joe team really is a great bunch of people. They're willing to give a woman suffering from Down Syndrome a spot on the team, plus they allowed Marvin F. Hinton too change his codename from Bubba.

GI Joe= A Bastion of civil rights.


ps Smash The State will probably be left up but I dunno if it'll have any updates by me unless they're really easy like this, dr henry e miller can do whatever the fuck he wants too, same with tom jacks I don't care that much

FROM THE VAULT!

Heres something I made before Smash The State debuted on the WORLD WIDE WEB to pretty much entertain me and Mr. Turk, it's a interpretive read of a Thomas Wheeler post about him ranting about children's TV screwing up his VHS tape:

http://www.megaupload.com/?d=GR2WU2WY

This blog is boring

It really is, and I feel has lost some of it's charm. I dunno what the future lies for Smash The State Figure Review but it ain't gonna be bright if it continues to not be fun for me


Just sayin

Callin em' likes I sees thems.

Hey you butts, I know everyone is hating on that lameass site Hisstank for good reason and all, but what about all the other Joe "Hierarchy" sites who are shameless shills for the same four scalper sites that drive up the prices of lameass toys and contribute further to G.I Joe becoming just another backstabbing collectors hobby? Especially one guy from a New England state that posts his drivel on like 8 different identical sites.

The Joe fandom is selling out and becoming stale.

Hey you turkeys!

Me and Doctor Henry E. Miller are batting around the idea of a legit message board, however I'm cheap and I don't assume iEl Doctor Henry E. Miller! is gonna fork over any of his vast financial holdings so I want to know if there's any actual interest in the: ACTION FIGURES ARE SERIOUS FUCKING BUSINESS/GUY FROM MISSION OF BURMA'S HEARING DISASTER FORUM-O-RAMA" from you cool cats (Broca Blutch guys, Jaysun, Dan "Delta" Sartain, Zarr Chasm, Stu Wilson, Dude from Norway who reads this blog)

let us know, it's like democracy ya know except instead of voting, it's me making my mind up and claiming I listened to you

Smash The State Makes Amends

Dear, Broca Blutch I'm totally sorry that your Diorama pimping threat got deleted at Hisstank.policestate.info

Dear Mike "De Aco" Fountain, sorry for e-mailing your webTV e-mail address 20 times asking for an interview

Dear Corey Chump Stinson: Sorry for bringing back those haunting memories of your internet wars with De Aco

Dear readers who've noticed a change in writing styles, I'll totally review 1983 Airborne again

Dear Cobra Cabana sorry for totally not giving you credit for the inspiration of this blog. Smash The State was born out of me reading that at 3AM

Dear Thomas Wheeler, we're sorry that you have to be Thomas Wheeler

Dear Nien Nunb I am sorry I called you a "Space ching chong" and claimed that you fucked up the Falcon in ROTJ

Dear Lando Calrissian, I'm sorry that I just apologized to that Space Chinaman. Fuck that jerk and his radar dish fucking up abilities

Dear Tom Jacks Esq, You're fired

Dear Zarr Chasm, you should totally write for us p.s. are you also common tator I'll tell you Tom Jacks' more recognizeable joe name if you are

Dear Illinois State Police thanks for arresting lawbreakers and putting them in jail for Felonies and Misdemanors

1991 Grunt is an Angry Man

Yikes 2 content posts in one day, expect a Tag list soon!


Grunt hates himself


Grunt Hates better Smash The State mascots


Grunt Hates Ninjas



Grunt wants you to vote for who he tells you

Strange Rumblings In Middle Island

Today I had to get some items on the way back from talkin' serious shit so I stopped into the land of lost children (Middle Island NY Wal-Mart) because fuck it was on the way home. After wandering through the new AC/DC corporate selling out of rock and roll section I somehow ended up in the Joe isle (Muscle memory reflex from my dark dayz) and came across this shit right here:



Yeah thats right, headless LONZO right from the factory, thats some straight racist bullshit right there, all the white folk in the box had they heads attached. Thats some ol' bullshit.

Then on the way to the parking lot, I found a car (a 2001 VW Jetta with no hub-caps) with a plate that makes no atempt at hiding the fact I never want to meet the owner:


Then I left quickly in my car (my cars name is flapjack) then went to friendlys and got a milkshake then voted for a black dude.

HELL YEAH

FIGURE SWAPPING!

I've never seen anything thats pissed off lameass nerds this much since paintwipes:

"I wish nothing but the worst life has to offer for this fool and any other who pulls this kind of BS. I really hope they suffer untold misery throughout the rest of their pathetic lives."

TOYS ARE SERIOUS BUSINESS YOU UNDERSTAND DON'T FUCK WITH TOYS I HAVEN'T BOUGHT!

I bet these people also have strong opinions on the 90's batman movies, anime and eat Hamburger Helper 3 times a week.

Fucking nerds.

The most important air battle in G.I Joe history

I like how the one black kid is just standing there twirling the Rattler around, those two other kids are some racist jerks, I bet they made him play with the Buzz Boar while they had the Terrordrome and re-enacted softcore porn movies with the Baroness and Barbecue.

Also you can take down a Rattler by flying directly above it.

Reasons why we stay be hatin' on the 25th, yo.

We pretty much question every thing Hasbro does nowadays and hate (hate bloggers whoooah) on the 25th nonstop, but me and J. Turk have good reasons, so we'll list them for youse guys:

- Fake collector frenzy: For years G.I Joe was free of chase figures and variants and thats one of the reasons the hobby was great, now every wave has some bullshit that nerds get all sweaty about and stores that get shamelessly promoted on websites with dwindling content sell for insane markup. It hurts the hobby in the worst way, but it does give people we don't like reasons to be upset so maybe it's not such a bad thing.

- Figures that can't move worth a shit: Seriously, if we had action figures that could move and sit and hold guns 20 fucking years ago, why don't we now?

- Nothing original: Yeah it's cool some things like a cobra trooper never really change, but now there just making the same figures they made in the 80's and instead of improving them, they look like shit and have problems mentioned above.

- Johnny come lately: I DON'T LIKE RAH BECAUSE THEY CAN'T MOVE IN THE GODDAMNED CHEST REALISTIC MILITARY CRACKS IN THE UPPER BODY

- Shitty plastic: I don't really care if your gonna charge 10 bucks for a single packed figure, but maybe you shouldn't make them out of shit that feels like hollow plastic.

- Reusing molds to get as many figures on the market and flood it: Battle Armor Cobra Commander and the Iron Grenadier totally shop at the same armor store rite guyz. Seriously I can't even tell some of these figures apart, that shit flew in 1982 but it's 2008, who the fuck cares about getting Cutter anyway?

- Keeping making the same 8 characters in every wave - I don't collect Star Wars figures because they don't pose for shit and they make like 190 Chewbaccas a year why the fuck would I want the same in G.I Joe

- Listening to idiot collectors - This is the reason we have asshole chase figures and boring army builder repaint packs, not to mention nothing original and just the same shit over and over and over. Change hurts if you're a Joe fan I guess.

- Inferior body style - Seriously, for 25 years you had the perfect formula for a 4 inch tall action figure then you go and pay tribute to them by discarding the best template for a toy ever and replacing them with stuff that feels and looks like a knockoff or some overpriced japanese import toy. Thats like forming a Flipper cover band and then playing your instruments in tune and not doing lots of drugs.

So theres the reasons we don't like this 25th nonsense. If you don't like it go jump off the Moodna Viaduct!

An awful G.I Joe cosplay spooktacluar!

Well since it's like the best holiday of the year (fuck you Columbus day!) and the one time of year it's not totally socially unacceptable to dress up as a cartoon character. Here at Smash The State we are gonna take another special look at weirdos who do it the other 364 days of the year!














Remember folks, it's never cool to dress you and your homely looking wife/girlfriend up as a cartoon character!

And to all you neckbeards, we got your money in our hands!

No you see, it's worth a lot of money because it's in a clear plastic box and has a sticker on it that was put there by an ACTION FIGURE ATHORITY it's not a toy it's an investment item!

Just once I wish I was some rich jerk, I'd buy all of those and smash the cases and open the figures. Remember when G.I Joe's we're just some toys we bought at dusty tables in flea markets?

This is a terrible hobby now.

G.I. Joe comix

I just realized that with the new G.I. Joe continuity coming like 25 years of the good the bad and the awful shit with the comics are over. I guess life is a carnival and I'm gonna explain what I sorta remember about them.

Issues #1-20: The best written shit I sorta remember, showed how hacky Hama was after he killed off Kwinn, Scarface, that jerk in the shades and Dr. Venom. Clutch was good though.

Issues #21-whenever the fuck they invaded Springfield. Yeah SILENCE! Ripcord doing stuff, Scrap Iron killing a goddamn old fat guy with a rocket, Serpentor!

After what I described until the Civil War: Can't remember anything!

The Cobra Civil war; There was one panel with a televiper with a bullet hole in his helmet. That was cool, so was Short Fuse showing up. 

The first like 15 issues of the 100's, Jerks got killed finally, including homoerotic scientists, Breaker showing up and dying, Steeler showing up out of fucking nowhere!

The rest of the Marvel run: Stupid shit, drug dealers, Eco Force, Mindbender refrences cheers, Transformers, Wade Collins' kid,  Quick Kick cameo, I don't read this stuff like a schmo!

DDP/Image: Hey guys let's draw everyone the same! let's make shitty refrences to the cartoon, let's kill off characters, let's re do stuff just worse, Let's totally rush the last thing and call it World War 3... Well fuck that shit, the only media related World War 3 I'll deal with is:

The Baddest Card (not) On E-Bay!

Johnny Turk Is Gonna Buy This And Hang It Up In His House

Nostalgia For An Age That Never Existed

Thats right, 25th anniversary versions of figures that came out...3 years ago? Are we supposed to get sappy about the stuff that ruined G.I Joe? Knock Offs of Knock Offs?

Is there a chase version of duke with a goddamned button sticking out of his ass?

SPONSORSHIP NEWZ

BIG BAD SNAKE OIL SALESMEN ARE HAVING A SALE ON GAY VARIANTS YOU SHOULDN'T BUY OR ENABLE!

!~RARE~! CHASE VARIANT OF BREAKER WITH THE BUBBLEGUM BUBBLE THAT DOESN'T FULLY FIT INTO HIS GODDAMNED HEAD IS MARKED DOWN FROM $54.45 TO $53.00 FOR THIS WEEK ONLY!

And at SMALLSMHOES.COM we are having a sale on SERIOUS MILITARY MODELS that are made out of FAULTY MATERIALS and cost $80.00 a goddamned unit, but buy them so you can spend your middle-management tech support dollars and have a serious business shelf of nazi war criminals!

ANNND don't forget the Brains Toyuz Newsletter #267, they are having a sale on some lameass transformers toys and TOYS R US EXCLUSIVE extreme conditions set they sent their intern out to buy out from under every store in the area!


This Post was written by Shameless Shill Jushin on October 15th 2006

Posted Under: Excuses For Content, Give Your Money Away To Feed The Machine, Moderating Every Forum

INTERNET GANG WARZ

Ya know what's funny, nerds getting angry about stupid shit. The latest debacle of retardedness is that Hisstank.com doesn't want people coming and going "LOL CHECK THIS OUT @ TNI" which is kinda retarded but doesn't actually strike me as such a douchebag move as it's being made out too be. Hisstank is not on Smash The State's list of "Cool sites that aren't run by jerks" because that list is the link section, and The Cobra Cabana and that messageboard Felix De Cobra runs. However I do recognize that it's awesome at hiding the fact that it's got no content. I mean you can say it's a newz site. What the fuck does joebattlelines offer?

Anyways I wonder if the usual suspects who spam "CHEK OUT THIS THRILLING SUCH AND SUCH" at every website who seem so goddamn upset over this are gonna stop whoring their shit their. I sincerley doubt it.

G.I. Joe fandom personality templates

I'm sure I've probably said this like 4 times already (There's atleast 2 posts in which the "golden year" of 1985 is disected, but hey fuck you) but there's nothing I've got planned too yell about at this moment, oh and if we remember we're gonna spam the Joe Movie ending the day it comes out PLEASE REMIND US. Anyways there are like 8 types of jerks who are involved in G.I. Joe

1. Guy who is really positive. For some reason these types always do reviews, and they always skip a figures faults, yet they're never called out for it. Yeah well I don't care that you don't think you should mention poor paint masks and that your Comic Pack Falcon's joints are frozen because "Well everyone should be used too them by now" I don't remember my Duke having his goddamn forehead be yellow because machines twenty five years ago could do their damn job.

2. The Overly negative. These guys have two types: Wicked sick cats like me and Dr. Henry E. Miller and most of you dudes reading this (Except the Broca Blutch guys if they're even alive, mainly because you cats gave effort, real negative cats are lethargic and like the Dictators we steal really common stuff but totally change it a bit) 

The other type is someone who bitches about every thing, yet never get any grief for it, those guys are pussies.

3. Bullshit Action Figure Authorities. These are dudes who people listen too mainly because they write their stuff out like they know what their talking about, however they never actually spout out anything requiring proof. Pretty much it's dudes spouting their opinions like they're facts but they're smart enough to not say anything that could be disproven. 

4. Actual Authorities. Sometimes these dudes are cool and say things of importance, sometimes they're personality is also mixed with something else (like Really postive guy) and then you have too ignore them. I don't have any problems with some of these guys since one dude once told me that one of the comic packs was gonna have Dragonosky and the other two Ruskies no one likes

5. Guy who integrates all sorts of 1:18 scale REALISM bullshit, these dudes tend to be from places that aren't North America (Except Norway that place is rockin' because one dude from their comes here, we love you mysterious Norway homie) and just post pictures.

6. Dudes who love god. A LOT. In the Pat Robertson vein not the John Rydgren vein, Usually involves customs of Ministers or JESUS TREE FORTS WITH FLAK CANNONS TOO KILL FAGGOTS, ACTIVIST JUDGES AND KOREANS

7. I dunno you cats are pretty great so, SMASH THE STATE fans. Number 1 group of Joe fans too not marry the first chick who gave them a handjob.

8. Rednecks, some how people in the States have been so dumbed down they write things like this: "yap ran out of room cause i have so many differnt line of toy some complete some not."

So yes, I think I was probably reaching after the first paragraph but I figure you guys should jump in a lake!

G.I Joe got better once I discovered drugs

The early 90's we're awesome if you had no job, hung out on your couch and dig bong hits on a Saturday morning. Fuck you neckbeards, the 90's we're great if you took nothing seriously. This was before you we're supposed to take G.I Joe as a COLLECTORS TOYLINE THAT EVOKES NOSTALGIA, this was back when it was some shit you played with as a kid and now watched ironically because you had nothing better to do in between waking up and driving around town in a beat up car.

Stupid Shit FROM THE PAST

Johnny Turk was gonna post this but he's busy scoping out the Serbian Punk scene for bands for our puppet record label, also he has to appear in court in Wyoming for defacing a statue:

For a lark, I decided that it was time for another Stupid things said this week, however I looked at the google group and decided it was instead time for “Stupid things said like 8 goddamn years ago”

Starting it off is a star of most of our tags, complaining about someone saying his custom had paint wipes “I fail to see any reasonable comparison between what Hasbro is doing and a
long-ago customized figure which I did for the sheer absurdity of it (or so I thought).
Nor do I appreciate being mocked over a matter which is of legitimate concern 
to a number of collectors. It's juvenile minds such as yours that are ruining this hobbyI fail to see any reasonable comparison between what Hasbro is doing and a long-ago customized figure which I did for the sheer absurdity of it (or so I thought). Nor do I appreciate being mocked over a matter which is of legitimate concern to a number of collectors. It's juvenile minds such as yours that are ruining this hobby”

Man I miss the wildwest days of the internet, harassment between nerds on Ebay of all places: “Mike Fountain operates under any/all of the following eBay user IDs. 
Do not be fooled by his feedback ratings. This individual is a 
hateful, foul-mouthed, malicious liar.

De-Aco 
*untouchable* 
*brown-eyes* 
the-baddest!

He has a number of idiot friends which he lists on his "About Me" eBay 
page. These individuals will conspire to win an eBay auction 
(typically GI Joe), which is fair enough, but they never fail to send 
some of the rudest, juvenile taunts to the losing bidder(s) or 
sometimes to some or all auction participants before the auction 
closes. They also frequently pad each other's feedback ratings and 
perform questionable bidding practices within each other's auctions.”

Holy fuck, I forgot people used too take Steel Brigade seriously at one point: “I'm sorry to be reading this and to know such tactics happen in the JOE World of Collectors. That's probably one of the reasons I stay off of Ebay. I checked out this guys page and saw he has it out for Commander Lane himself (what a shock)!!! When I asked Dave about it - he told me the story of how this guy bullies other bidders and people are afraid to bid against him and his group. Seems the Commander has spared no expense to put this guy down and beat him at his own game. Now he's out for revenge....what drama, can't we all just get along!”

Man I wish Mike Fountain was still using the Internet (from his Televison):

“All that Corey is intrested in is money. A while back alot of Joe 
collectors on Ebay were getting the Happy99 virus. I asked Corey to put 
up some type of warning or information about it. Corey replied, "most 
people cannot afford my services." Like he is god or something... Corey 
you are a legend in your own mind. As far as I care, Corey you can post 
on and on about me. It shows that you are always thinking of me. We will 
call it, "The Story Of Mike "De-Aco" Fountain, Though The Eyes Of Corey 
Stinson". Write on Corey, see what other meaningless stuff you can 
write, I think you are out of ideas, but I hope you can come up with 
something. It really does not matter because your words are nothing”

Fuck, I wish that was on Youtube. Seriously, I would love too see a newscast involving Wheeler’s collection and threat of no 3/34 inch joes on the net “I've taken this to the media! I was able to get a local newscast to cover my collection AND the present problem. One of the local newspapers may do likewise”

Okay this was only 3 years ago but still, who the fuck is on AOL by choice (by choice I mean not using those 3 months free CD’s that they probably don’t make anymore) “I just got a notice that the AOL Newsgroup service will be discontinued in early 2005. " For members using AOL over a dial up connection, you will no longer be able to access Newsgroups"....sigh....They also said to try Google-but that doesn't work for me either... So I guess the party is over for me here. It's a shame too as I LOVED this site and had fun buying, selling and trading with everyone here. I've been having trouble lately getting on here and then seeing any new posts. I won't even know if this post will make it on-but I hope so.”

I think I found the first incident of a jerk using Gristle with Alley Vipers: “ But Undertow is a unique figure too, I'll be using him as the Eel commader, like Gristle is to the Alley-Vipers.”

Man really fucking creepy people have been on the joe scene for years here’s someones favorite card/box art: “Counting down...

8. Scarlett ver. 2 
7. Lady Jaye 
6. Chun-Li (notice a pattern?) 
5. Zarana 
4. Wolverine Missile Tank 
3. Scarlett ver. 1 
2. Glenda 
and finally 
1. Baroness”

Well I’m bored of this shit now so enjoy what you got, and don’t complain half assed Stupid Things Said this week is a lot better than no Stupid shit said this week. SUPPORT THE SMASH THE STATE PARTY LINE U GUYZ

The greatest dio stories ever made

Thanks/blame lies on the lastbestangryman for showing this wonderful work of action figure fiction to us.